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I asked him, how do you do it? How can your mind just be as if we are suddenly strangers, no remorse, no guilt, no regret, no sadness, no nothing but coldness and his repertoire of trivial excuses… I told him I wished I could do that. Maybe if I know every sleazy thing as a rock hard solid fact, I will be able to do that overnight….just like him…
The more information you give him about how he is hurting you- the more power you give him. Give him NOTHING. Don’t answer his texts. Get a PI and get everything you can on him AND on her- in case she is a patient’s mother. Then nail him. And don’t change job again right now. I don’t think you are in the right frame of mind to make big decisions. Get a therapist experienced in narcissists. BIG HUG Karen xx
The quickest way back to yourself is to forget him.
I used Brewer Detective Agency. They are nationwide but offices are local. I spoke with a woman on the phone and she was so great. I probably called and spoke with about 10 times and then I finally sent in the required paperwork about a month later. I finally gave them the “go” signal a month after that. They are staffed 24/7. someone is always there that can pull your file and know what to do or where to go. They never took one cent from me until after they caught him. I offered my brother’s credit card ( obviously I couldn’t use mine). They said they would trust me and I could pay later……I certainly paid.
I literally vomited in the parking lot of Fedex after I faxed them the info they needed ( I could not use the home fax because he would know).
My last communication with him was a week ago and I said Im done, I just have to hand it over to the lawyer. That’s the last of it. He really could not have done this in a more humiliating, painful way…
You are not freaking anybody out. we have all been there. It is normal. You are traumatized and he is a psycho and it is impossible to wrap your head around the facts. You are a smart, educated women. You will survive this. I promise. I know it hurts like hell and I am so sorry.
You are not freaking anyone out. We have all been there. Three years on and I still have some bad moments.
You will never fully understand why he has done what he has done. You can intellectualise the whole thing in an attempt to understand but it makes no sense. All you need to know is that it isn’t about you he has the problem. He will never be a happy man but you will get through this and there will be happiness in your future.
You are back at work tomorrow? That will help. You will be busy so you will have a diversion from all the insanity. The demons (bad thoughts) are always with me when I am alone and have the time to let them into my head. When these thoughts come into your head they just go around and around and around and you can’t make sense from them. Just remember that you are NOT the crazy one. He is.He actually could have. Read Teri’s story,Or Nap or Cindy or Jos or…..Believe me, there are worse ways.
Going to work is a relief….but I start crying when I pull out of the parking lot, it hits me all over again….like waking up and remembering that god awful thing you got to forget about while you were asleep…
thanks for listening…think I’ve blown it out for a while….before I found this site, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it….thanks so much….
It’s going to keep hitting you for awhile. Make friends with it. It’s like a riptide, swim against and drown, let it take you out and you swim ashore….tired but alive.
I know exactly what you mean Barb. All normal, don’t worry. Every day I still wake up and it hits me. You are probably at your lowest point right now. There is no more traumatic time that the period straight after discovery and you have the crap you are getting from him and his family adding to the trauma. I am fortunate as are some of the other sisters that we had husbands who showed remorse and recognised the pain they caused. Just know that you will get sorted. The steps might be baby steps but you will move forward.
And a lot of us had men who appeared to be remorseful and interested in recovery, and we were taken for yet another ride. See: me, four years later.
Oh I know that feeling March. Mine was actually skipping his mens group meeting to meet for sex. His sponsor called and asked where he’d been the last 3 wks???
There is NO trust with these men. They don’t even trust themselves. Most are pathological liars and if we keep ‘believing them’ were the ones with egg on our face. IMO.
Agree, March!!
I know I’m cynical… But that remorseful thing is something I just can’t accept. Based on my personal experience and that of many on the site… I just don’t believe it. Liar liar pants on fire. hmmm…. If that really did happen, then their thing can burn off and all of this discussion wouldn’t be necessary!
Too many 2nd and 3rd and 4th D days I have read about from othe sisters on this site. (myself included) Then there are slips and relapses…. Sigh…. May I ask one good reason why anyone wants to be married to someone you have to have a “formal disclosure” to explain exactly HOW MANY TIMES HE FUCKED YOU OVER and you have to polygraph his ass to feel safe. Come on, people. And don’t use kids as the excuse either. We covered that in a different thread.
Maybe I woke up grouchy…. I just read this stuff and think WTF?? (not about how it makes you feel but just in general the whole “policing” our husbands concept.) Ugh. I just can’t stand it. 🙁
Barb,
I know you don’t feel this way right now, but before too long you are going to feel nothing but relief that he is out of your life. As awful as it is, he is showing you who he really is. It takes awhile to get your head around it, but when you do, you will be so thankful he is out of your life.Hang in there. You will get through this.
SL, I believe many of them do have remorse. But I think from their years of living in their own narcissistic world, it’s not the same kind of remorse that other people feel. It has a limited shelf life, as soon as something pisses them off or whatever. More inward-centered shame than outward-centered guilt, as they say. And then when they feel shame, their protective ego.. or dickhead ego, to use the clinical term.. kicks in and then the whole vomitous cycle continues. xoxo
I think remorse can be disingenuous just as easily as love can be. If you can live a secret life you are skilled at deception, ruse and manipulation. They are masters of subterfuge.
Self-pity and/or shame. They are sorry they get caught. My STBX is very good at the hangdog look when he is caught and in the presence of therapists or attorneys.
Teri is so right. I feel that way now. So glad I am moving on without him. makes me feel sick to think I was living with him. Now that he is living next door with his mum I am truly LIVING. This afternoon I heard him shout at her and say that she must see that his windows are open when he gets home because he cant sleep at night because of the heat. I thought and maybe gave a bit of a giggle, thinking right now you take it mama dear. That’s exactly and worse than that is what the kids and I had to endure. So yep I agree absolutely with what Teri said earlier. You may not feel it now, but you will be greatful that you moved on.
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