Disclosure

😉 😉 😉

Right on Teri.

I want to make it clear that the comment on my H’s CSAT’s web site about taking the time to fix the mess is directed specifically at the SA, NOT the partner! There is no blame/co-dep. nonsense from this guy.

“time to prepare the disclosure”
I’m with those who believe it’s part of the manipulation of the partners, as well as something they say in order to avoid saying it takes them forever to get the SA to stop lying.

It also allows the SA and the dumb ass CSAT to keep control of everything on their terms. No one asks how it affects the partners. No one asks what they need most. Okay I’m winding up here again, so I’m going to stop before I explode.

In my phone conference with Minwalla with H on the phone he asked me whether I had ever had a formal disclosure – I said “no” – H then proceeded to say yes we did when we had our first couple intensive. What I recall is the male therapist (it was with a couple male and female) asked him to use the word prostitute and admit that he had slept with male hookers and had lied to me and our family. That was it. When I first found out about what.bhe had been doing I confronted him about what I found out on my own – he is calling that disclosure. the best part of the phone consult was when Minwalla said “if there had been a disclosure then I think she (me) would know about it. All of the information I have he has managed to filter through to me in his own way – he doesn’t know that I hacked into his email at the first discovery so I know what he continued to lie about then. I will admit that over time he has admitted 90 percent of that but that was only the previous 12 months. I want to know the rest, which I know he was doing when we were dating so goes back 30 plus years. I don’t especially want the details but I want him to own the full extent of his betrayal and understand that I am not accepting him dribbling out info according to what he thinks is appropriate. min walls called him out on that on the phone , not in a confrontational but matter of fact way – that was a first – the disclosure for me at this point will support my decision to face the reality of what I need to do based on how much he continues to withhold even in an environment where he says he is ready to be honest. I think he thinks he is going with me to Minwalla so I can get help for my trauma so we can be Ok so that part will be an eye opener. I want Minwalla to ask us both the hard questions because I want him to truly hear my answers….Meg

The reasoning behind the wait was not explained to me, ours happened farily quickly in comparison to many here, but I think his CSAT botched the whole thing terribly, anyway. There were two, the first rescheduled after it was apparent the SA was mocking the process. Three weeks later, at the second attempt my SA completely manipulated again, Then, when I wouldn’t “snap out of it” after the second attempt, the SA threw the book at me (his 140+ page “journal” that read like playboy forum or worse) so that’s how I learned a lot. I was blamed for that because I picked the CSAT from the insurance book and his behavior was my fault. I was still relatively new to this and couldnt believe my SA blamed those ridiculously painful experiences on me and the CSAT. Not all, but a lot of the rest of what I know came in dribbles and discoveries after that. SA withheld all the really ugly and relevant stuff in all three “disclosures”.

Later, the second psychiatrist he tried said it was supposed to be held longer to have a greater potential of the SA remembering and being truthful, and that ours was really a disaster. Yep, I told them that when I walked out on the second “disclosure” six months before that. The manipulation by SA was so obvious, and the CSAT was shaking his head like it was unbelievable, but not stopping him. Basically letting me suffer, so I left.

I do believe it has a lot to do with ensuring the partners are “ready” and that’s a load of bull. Whether it’s a discovery, or a carefully scripted disclosure, no woman is ever ready for this vile betrayal. The whole process is inhumane.

Did any of you who have gone through disclosure get a chance to give your H a list of questions beforehand? Because that is what I did, as well as discussing the level of information that I want to hear (no penthouse forum details for me, thank you very much). I honestly don’t think that in my case the delay has anything to with manipulating me. The disclosure will either be in my therapist’s office or she will be with me at my H’s therapist’s office. I was told that I can stop the disclosure and take breaks whenever I need to. There will be a polygraph afterward if I choose and I will. At least PRE disclosure, we’ll see how I feel afterward, I feel that my needs are being considered and the process is being handled carefully to make it as easy on me as possible. I had the option of saying no to the whole idea but there was no question in my mind that I need to do this either way, staying in the marriage or leaving. I have to have some sense of what was happening in my life that I was unaware of. If it takes 8 months to craft this document so that it unambiguously reflects that all the fault lies with my H, then I’m okay with that.

I did have a list of questions, had the sisters help me with it. Had the CSAT go over it with both of us, and then gave SA two weeks to ‘prepare; with them. So, I guess the CSAT did try to honor them, and tried to address them at the first disclosure. BUT… he was unsuccessful, my SA had created another “format” that he thought addressed things more “succinctly” in the first disclosure. It was a table, half a page, with columns for his whores and rows for the dates he contacted them (gag) and the blocks contained his “reasons” for contacting them. Things like “update on labor dispute”, “sharing updates about his daughter’s wedding”, and other absurd statements. The CSAT got a little snide at that and said, “What, your whore friend is a wedding caterer on the side?” I asked to stop after the first four lines and told the CSAT I would not sit through that. My SA was just doing a switch to control the situation and keep things he wanted silent. The CSAT said he could uphold that opinion from his experience with my SA. He asked my SA if he could agree to that, and the response was “maybe”. I left that instant.

So they rescheduled and gave him another try three weeks later. That’s when he pulled out the 140+ page document that was his OTHER way to avoid answering the questions. Take 10-15 minutes per question and spend it making me so uncomfortable I would leave. I did after 20 mins. The CSAT suggested another attempt and I said “I won’t be treated like this ever again. No.”

From the other thread about Minwalla, he could probably handle that a lot better. BUT… seeing the level of complete self interest my SA had in deliberately smearing my nose in the 140+ pages of whore dribble so I would be so disgusted I would back off, I don’t care. Any man with that level of hatred for me, who could use whores like that, for whatever freaking FOO and childhood abuse reasons he may have, is dangerous for me and my children to live with. Especially now that I learned, months after disclosure, the level of sadism he found necessary to meet his “needs”. I don’t want to know any more, and I don’t want to stick around for the demolition/rebuild process.

I have known him a little over 3 years, 16 months of it post discovery. I’m not spending the rest of my life helping to clean up the mess he created in the 51 years prior to meeting me, and knowingly led me into like a lamb to slaughter. That’s his job.

Have read some of the first posts here. This is all godawful. Now, let’s compare the COSA approach of our “knowing, enabling and denial” compared to the reality of this thread. I feel nauseous.

And, compare all this with the reality that our children were mes lead as well. Did they have a role in enabling SA to have a double life? Do they need to go to COSA for tots and teens? Where are the rationale thinkers?

My 3 adults sons were so misled over a 20 years period that they are shock, stunned and I believed traumatized just like Minwalla suggested during Trish’s time with him.

Nightmare material.

Lynn, I’m so sorry. The wedding caterer line was pretty funny though. What a piece of work he is. Sheesh…I am left speechless.

Annie, your “fucking questions” – was he too dim to see the irony there? Probably so. Unfortunately, I already know too much about those little details you wanted to know once upon a time. I read an email that he wrote to his first “girlfriend” (and saved to his flash drive for posterity) which waxed poetic about how they met, all the good times they had laughing and talking together, how pretty she was, the cute little tank tops she sleeps in, how much fun they had together, etc. I also found the pictures they took of themselves all snuggled up on a loveseat in her apartment, on vacation together, her in a bubble bath, her on a bed wearing the lingerie he bought her, etc. So basically I know FAR more than I need to and even though he burned the pictures right in front of me, I can still see those images.

And don’t worry dear Auntie Annie, we are separated so we definitely won’t be going home together after the disclosure. The only question in my mind is whether I should be going home afterwards, since my son still lives with me. He might be traumatized seeing me come home in tears, all covered with snot. Not a good way to see your Mom. 🙁

Thank you Annie, mine too. 🙁 I saw the pictures back in 2008 when I discovered that he was having an affair. Back then, I thought that was all it was. Just one lousy affair that I, of course, believed was all my fault for my many failings as a wife. He had initially told me that he just met her for dinner when he was out of town, that they were friends, not lovers. Then I found the pictures. That was not a good day. I didn’t find the letter he wrote her until just before the most recent dday last August. The letter was worse in many ways because it was clear that it was an emotional affair, not just a physical one. There was also a whole long fantasy he wrote out about what they would do when they were together again. I couldn’t make it through that part at all.

Nah, Daisy, that’s not how we roll.