Disclosure

Different people do this different ways. My h’s first “disclosure” was just with me alone, and it was not complete. He left out the most egregious behaviors. The second disclosure was just with me also, but this time under the threat of polygraph. I found out more. he will be getting a polygraph next month and I keep reminding him that he should review what he’s told me to be sure it includes everything, because everything is coming out one way or the other. Some people here have had counselors present for their own support. That your h is not forthcoming with his confession or disclosure is not a good sign, in my opinion, but standard operating procedures for these guys. My h put both of his disclosures in writing and I copied them for my records. He read them out loud to me, and at first left some things out in his oral recitation. Then I asked to see the list and asked about the things he left out. Then I copied them, and good thing I did, according to the lawyer I saw today.

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Robin light my disclosure was last week. I had dribbles before that I already knew most things and it was bad. Years of seeing prostitutes and fetish for older women. I always felt that I knew enough but over time and after reading Milton Magness book I decided I wanted a full and formal disclosure. This was for my benefit mostly but i also felt that if my husband was really going to get better he had to fess up. It was hard to hear and one particular event was very devastating for me. My husband prepared in 3 weeks. I put the timeframe on it. There was no way I was going to wait months to hear it after I decided it was something I needed. The disclosure was done in the rooms of our joint therapist. He is wonderful. I asked him to keep the disclosure documents. I am 4 years on from the first d day and as I already knew there was lots if sex involved I didn’t feel I needed the support of anyone else. If this is new for you or you feel you will learn a lot from the disclosure it might be best to take a therapist or friend in with you.
Yesterday I sent an email to our therapist apologising for the 400,000 expletives I used during the 2 hour session.

Robin, I can hear the resolute grief in your descriptions. I’m so sorry. About the disclosure, I think its really dreadful for the SA to have control of this event. Mine never told me everything, and I didn’t want to know everything. I knew enough. But if you know marriage is over, think about the purpose of the disclosure now. Is it about a better settlement? Curiosity? Do you know why your want this?

And I just want to say that Jomard should win a prize for the first use of the word “egregious” on SOS. It’s like getting lexically bumped up from coach. And your posts are always interesting, vexing, thoughtful, provoking, etc. I sense you are going to be an excellent influence on me. Thank you!

Hey Diane, there’s still a kid inside me, so I love prizes. 🙂

And by the way, I bought your ebook on spirituality and really loving reading it. Thank you for writing it.

Egregious is what Dr. Minwalla calls what our sah’s have done to us. He uses that word a lot. It is a great adjective for what has been perpetrated against us.

I’m sorry for sounding stupid but is disclosure an actual part of the 12 step? My SAH has disclosed quite a bit over the past 5 months ( it’s dribbled out with threats of me going bobbit on him and the fact that he can’t out argue me). I’m sure there is more considering we’ve been married 29 years as of August 17th and he has cheated the entire time. We have been in therapy together for the past 3 months until he admitted to more and the diagnose of SA was given. That’s when the therapist decided to find him a new therapist and keep me. He starts with the new therapist this week and will dig into SA therapy. Is disclosure something formal ?

I spent three hours yesterday with my former therapist trying to plan out our support group. We got heavily into the disclosure event and she really asked some helpful questions. As a trauma specialist who also spend many years working with sex offenders, she believes disclosure events should not necessarily require the presence of the traumatized women. For true narcs, it becomes a secret party event celebrating a climax event for humiliating and beating up the woman. Some SA should NOT have an audience that includes people not professionally connected. The control should never be given to anyone but the woman, or those representing her.
This is exactly how I have felt all along. I find the models of disclosure we’ve discussed on site are abusive, inappropriate, and damaging. IMO.

Diane I guess mine was different to most because I knew a lot anyway. The worst of the disclosure process to me is the length of time some men are given to prepare. I’m an impatient person anyway but if someone told me I would have to wit months for a disclosure I would go mental. I didn’t want an event by event detail. I did however want to know when the behaviour started, places he went, money spent and how he accessed it and explanations for things that concerned me. Nights he got home late etc, I also wanted to know who knew of his behaviour and if he was with others on any occasion.
He gave me further ( devastating) details of a relationship he had with a filthy whore.
If I had not known already that there was no skin on skin stuff the process would have been more devastating to me. That said I am less frightened about the truth than I am not knowing it.
I always felt I had control. Some models do not allow for the partner to step in and say something. I was trying to work on that and I listened for the most part but I couldn’t help but let fly at the new and horrible piece of information. The therapist did not try to stop me either. I’m guessing he probably knew there was no stopping me anyway.
I hate it that men are permitted not to answer any questions due to a promised disclosure which could be months away. This is partner abuse.

Never had a formal disclosure but increasingly feel this is something that should be done in a court of law under oath.

FFS should be punishable by immediate financial recompense and judge awarding custody of children to the mother with limited, supervised no overnight visitation and the option for all property to be immediately transferred to the wife as it will no longer be required as they will be leaving immediately for the SA island for ever.

I have totally missed a Margaret from Australia here. Is she still a member? What’s your co-therapist like? Does your husband still see the other therapist? I hope you will be able to speak too, Catherine.