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The changes were not about what he liked or didn’t like at all. I had to have constant reminder that this was NOT The same relationship and I did NOT know that man. I had to have constant visual reminders, so I can be alert to my own tendency to downplay what is obviously the end of life as I know it. I made changes to my appearance to look harder than I was to be able to put that in play. I am a marshmallow, with rose colored glasses, who sees the best in everyone. It’s a blessing and a curse. I am sure my H is not only aware of this but using it daily. I just had to make it questionable, like everything he does and says now.
Lynng, just yesterday I found myself saying out loud, ‘Life as I knew it is over.’ You’d think after three months that that sentence wouldn’t be a shock, but it somehow was. And I’m a marshmallow too, and my h has been playing on that. And it’s only very recently that I am starting to realize he’s doing it. Even post-discovery I was still buying into some of his pleas for sympathy, not realizing I was being played. To be honest, I still fall into that trap sometimes, and still wonder if he consciously is doing that or is just reaching out in pain. But something seems to be shifting in me a bit. It’s disorienting, and makes me feel like a stranger to myself, this whole thing of having to harden myself to someone I love.
anniem
I wonder if hardening is an answer. This rollercoaster is certainly exhausting, though. I feel like I have to step off for a few days. My H always says I’m “punishing” him when I get quite and withdrawn. Honestly, I just can’t take the drama for such extended periods.
I was wondering about disclosure. I brought up the fact that some people use polygraphs in treatment yesterday in the car. I saw H gulp. He didn’t say anything. I Left it open. But would I want to go that far? Would I do that, in an attempt to know someone who obviously does not want to be known? Maybe, if I feel concerned that something he has done has impacted one of my children. That is a real concern, I think once porn addiction gets very bad. What I’ve been told is not what I’d consider dangerous. But what I’ve been told is not the whole thing, in any case.Lynn, it sounds as if a polygraph could be helpful for you, to establish a baseline. But I don’t have experience with it as of yet, so hopefully some of the women here can give you more advice.
And I hear you on being told you’re ‘punishing’ him. At one point my h asked me, ‘At what point will you decide I’ve suffered enough?’ And he tells me it upsets him when I use ‘that sarcastic voice.’ oh , the poor dear. Gee, honey, you were *&$%^(* whores all over town, and now you can’t handle a sarcastic voice? oy vey..
Once he got over the shock of my filing for divorce, my SA started whistling around the house. The other day he said, “Do you know how nice it is to work late and not have to worry about checking in with you or answering questions?” FINALLY, he can be happy!
He’ll be happy with it for a little while, maybe. They need someone whose chain they can yank, I think. Just my opinion, but I think it fits in with the humiliation factor, and just plain fear of being alone with themselves in the silence where the only thing they have for input is their warped minds. We are a distraction and a scapegoat, I think.
For the life of me I can’t explain why my H wanted to get married to me. He was free to live however he chose, and yet he chose to bring a woman, with two children, into his nightmare. Thats what I’m having the hardest time fathoming and what paints the darkest colors on him, in my mind. If you’re a man with those proclivities, it’s bad. But the whores are already there, he didn’t make them do that (though he is supporting their bad choices.) It’s not for him that the porn is on the web (though if he and every other man ignored it, it would die out). He chose to throw us under the bus, and he insists it is because he loves me so much. Now THAT is perverted.
In a real relationship, the H would be not “checking in” with his partner, because he has to be babysat like a child. He would be checking to see how their day is progressing, what they look forward to for later on. What a fantasy, eh?
“Hi honey, just called to see how your day is going and if it would be better to go out or eat in tonight? I’ve been thinking about you and can’t wait to put my arms around you tonight.” BlissLynng,
What you described in your last post is so true. They are addicts. They are married to their addiction. 80 percent of there thoughts are on their ‘next fix’. They don’t really care what our days like or really anything about us because their life is consumed by sexual thoughts, planning, ‘shopping’, prepping, and dping. Our role to them is so they can ‘look like’ they have a normal life. An active addict just wants to pacake all oUr needs so well leave them alone. Of they don’t use their own initiative to get sober then recover, the marriage is toast……unless you want to stay with one then o think that’s a cause for concern and self discovery as to why.yeah, that image is everything, isn’t it? We had that discussion last night. We were out, and my H was making a big point of opening doors for me. I told him it upset me he would make such a show of this gesture, supposedly one of honoring, when he refused me the much more basic respect of simply being honest with me. He really bristled. Then he said “it’s a common courtesy’. I said, spare me the courtesy for strangers. I dont’ want it. I want to be treated like a wife. He was so mad. I was so mad. I hate my mouth sometimes, but I really meant it and I’m tired of swallowing all these lies to build images.
I told him last night to stop it, all of it. opening doors, pulling out chairs, standing when I enter the room (only around other people mind you). I told him I didnt’ want to be part of that charade anymore.
I have read to a point that they make us their new mommies. Someone to resist their pull, all part of the game. They like it because they can blame us, and then all is well. Thats how i see it too. i think some of them also get off on the lying and the secret life. When you really look at the addiction and all that surrounds this …its really bad. It really is.
Sometimes we like to think that it is so simple, that all he has to do is stop acting out. But there are so many other very disturbing personality traits that are part of this addiction to make it go. I think in many ways it is much different than any of the other addictions.
Love,
FloraFlora,
I agree. I’ve heard it’s one of the toughest of addictions to get to recovery. I have also read the high they get is 10 tiimes that of heroin. And heroin is really a strong drug !!!Lynng – it must be part of the playbook. My H will rrun to open a door for me. You lie to me but’s all better now because you opened the door???
He sat here picking apart and analyizing some scene in a movie the other day. For an hour! All I could think was,
If only you’d have used even a portion of that intelligence of yours to figure out that lying to your wife is a bad idea.Another commona SA trait, and just typing it seems such an oxymoron, intelligence. My H prides himself on being such a sought after consultant that his company now bills $250 an hour for his time when he presents at other companies (we don’t get that, sadly, they do). I found a CSAT and H visited him for the first time yesterday. H came back saying “Wow, this guy is smart!! That’s kind of scary, because I think he’s right up there with me (?!?!) and will see through my smokescreens. He listened to me a while, and then cut right through to the chase and told me “don’t even bother with all these qualifiers, if you do… 1,2,3,4,…8 at all, you are an addict. What you have done to your wife is a betrayal. This is real, the damage you have caused, and you may not be able to repair it.” My H said, I never looked at it like that.
I bet.
From my current vantage point, it was so arrogant for H to say “he’s right up there with me.” I thought “Oh, so he’s been successful in pulling the wool over his wife’s eyes, too?” It was cruel to think that about someone I’ve never met and I prayed for forgiveness immediately. And then, later I prayed for protection for this man, and his family, that none of the smut he listens to day in and day out will attach itself to him or his family in any way.
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