- This topic has 82 replies, 19 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 5 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
I have a question about how disclosure works. My H just had his first therapy sessions with a CSAT. I have my own therapist. My H has told me some stuff but I’m sure I haven’t heard it all yet and in particular, I want/need to know where the money has been going. How do I set up a disclosure session? I would prefer to do it with his therapist since he’s CSAT. Do I call him? Do I tell my H and have him set it up? And how do I know if I’m hearing it all? Should I wait until his therapist has worked with him and gotten an idea of who he is/what he’s doing? Sorry, lots of questions but I just don’t know how this is supposed to work and I definitely want to get it all out there so I can start dealing with it. To me it’s worse not knowing what is lurking under the bed (so to speak).
hi daisy,
it will take some time for your partner to face himself. even a little. it may take some time for things to reveal themselves to you (hard a hard time phrasing that…) please be patient with yourself…
i looked for a good website with info on this. here’s a few paragraphs:
When spouses enter therapy with the addict, many times they feel they know what indiscretions have occurred due to either finding out about their husband’s acting out behaviors or the husband having come clean with it. But unbeknownst to the spouse (and oftentimes the addict) are behaviors that remain hidden either out of fear of disclosure or because the addict truly can not remember them.
In my work, I often have to remind the spouse that disclosure is a process and not a one-time event. I also have to brace her with the reality that in most cases, what she knows is still limited due to memory issues and acting out behaviors that obscures the addict’s ability to recall specific sexual behaviors and events. What is needed is abstinence from his compulsive sexual behaviors so his mind can begin to remember not only past sexual events but also emotional triggers that drive him to escape into his sexual addiction.
Usually, if an addict can stay “sober” for up to 90 days, and the spouse can wait and endure this process, it allows for a more complete and honest process of disclosure later on. But there are times when a spouse demands to know everything up front that this circumvents the process and oftentimes leads to more hurt as she later learns about more behaviors not previously shared.
This is one of the main points I reiterate to spouses of addicts that they must allow for up to 6 months before we (Certified Sex Addiction Therapists) can move to what’s known as the “disclosure letter”. In this letter, the addict would’ve had enough time to write down everything he can remember that pertains to his acting out sexual behaviors within this current relationship.
Details of what should be shared in a good, disclosure letter is listed below and written by fellow CSAT therapist Jerry Goodman.
Lisa, thank you so much. That helps me to understand the process. Could you share the link to the web site you got this information from? I’d like to read further.
Daisy
I have found so much on my own that I am not sure I am interested in “disclosure”. I do know that what Lisa just said is true. It takes time. IF you want one…
daisy,
here’s the link (i hope it isn’t overwhelming for you now… hugs)
http://www.samlouiemft.com/2012/06/sex-addiction-disclosure-what-women-need-to-know-part-ii/
disclosure was a fucking painful process for me, to be sure. but it was a real eye opener into the behaviour and what it means. i’m sure it is different for everyone. but disclosure helped me see the behaviour had NOTHING to do with me, with the relationship, or anything in my sah’s life…
I read that guy’s (Sam Louie) entire disclosure procedure and it was right on! That is absolutely how it should be done.
Thanks Lisa (and March). Waiting until further in the process makes sense to me although I am short on patience (always) and particularly in this case where I feel like I just have to KNOW. I am just that way. I have to confront the truth and deal with it. I’m much more afraid of the things I don’t know. Knowledge really is power. That’s probably why I’m getting my third degree right now. : )
I had to know everything right away. I knew I had a RIGHT to know what had been kept from me for YEARS, and I knew that I needed ALL the information in order to make decisions about MY future. Oh, I demanded it, and I got it. Most of it. Then, 8 months later, the two most hurtful, traumatic parts. All of those months of “trust building,” with him looking me straight in the eye, lying as usual. I was re-traumatized. I get now that that’s par for the course, that they’re not even CAPABLE of being completely honest right away (if ever), but still… Anyway, if I had it to do over, I’d probably do it immediately–again–but not be so quick to trust it was the whole truth. Maybe if you can wait for a methodical, therapeutic disclosure, that’s best. But I swear, I think the therapist should force the issue within the first month–WITH a poly for good measure. Not that I trust polygraphs, but they might sure as shit scare a man.
the same happened to me, just 6 months later…
they are so fucked up right away. (and 6 months later…)
so hard to wrap your head around that.
So glad I don’t have to go through disclosure. It sounds like being put through an emotional wringer. My STBX would just lie his ass off anyway.
I’m with Bev- I’ve found out big plenty on my own.
There’s something about the whole disclosure thing that just seems off to me. I can’t put my finger on it. You certainly deserve the truth. Maybe if the spouse was allowed to yell obscenities at the end and fully disclose how they really felt about the “whole” disclosure, I’d feel better about it.
Lisa, Thank you for taking the time to find this link. I’m like you, Daisy. I want disclosure now. What happens after the SA discloses all this stuff? Everyone just leaves the room? And how was it once you got home with each other?
my sah and i arrived and left separately. i went to bowen island and stayed in a beautiful studio in the woods overlooking the ocean for 3 days. it couldn’t be a better refuge.
i told sah minimal contact. then when i came back i was really angry. sad. but feeling healthier sometimes.
i’m completely devastated by some of what i found out. but without the formal process, sah wouldn’t have come clean on some things (the CSAT made him). and he would have been able to continue to claim his behavior had anything to do with me.
now that i know more of the truth, he can’t keep that story.
sah was in a treatment centre for 2 weeks before. that helped him be able to be (more) honest.
in a strange way, it felt like it was for me. finally, the whole thing was being taken seriously. i could ask any questions i wanted and sah had to answer them. the therapist made sure he was honest (well more honest anyway, can any of them really be honest).
part of the disclosure is calculating how much $ he spent. he didn’t do that. i’m going to insist he do that, and the CSAT supports me. steve thinks the CSAT is going to save our marriage so he’ll do whatever she tells him to. lucky for me she is a hard ass who knows what is what.
for me it was a good thing.
but everyone has their own journey, each partner and each sah is different… (other than the obvious fucked up shit they all share..)
sah and i are living separately in the house now. i can’t stand to be near him for very long, so no dinners together, separate rooms.. just trying to make plans for my escape.
some people say the disclosure gives them hope for the relationship. not me so much..
You know, now that I think about it, I am the one doing the disclosing. The STBX is still lying to his attorney, CSAT, non-CSAT therapist, son’s therapist, his family, his partners, and me.
I am the one that has had to continually find out the truth and disclose to the rest.
Maybe some of them actually do come clean during disclosure, but I bet a lot of them don’t.
Thanks for all your help. I know not to believe him, even when he discloses.. but that is all THEY want. H would love nothing more than me to accept and move on, so that in 6 months he can start again… I just feel it, he’s craving to get back out there…goc
It is so wild to go back months later and read old posts – especially the ones you yourself wrote. It’s surreal! I’m wondering who that poor woman was.
I laughed too Daisy…But, I am still a NO on disclosure. I see no benefit for me. I wish I didn’t know enough but I do.
Not to say that disclosure is a bad thing for the sisters that do need them.
I think the most honesty and information I got was the first night. I am glad my journalist background kicked in to ask the hard questions. Once they go into therapy they are advised not to say too much, which doesn’t work for me. Since that first night I’ve had to deal with my H twice screwing around. It was devastating and each instance weakened me. They always came just when I felt like I could get through this. At this point (9 months in) I would never allow disclosure. I don’t need it and it would hurt me. The only thing i would want to know would be if there were something like male-male sex or forced or child. I’d be more interested in having a polygraph every three months.
Great info from Lisak on disclosure information. IDK, all this can be very helpful for those who need one to make choices about their future. I personally could not handle one because I was already so traumatized. I’m out of the marriage and divorced, and in hindsight (of course) there are just ‘dealbreakers’ in life. My xh was a dealbreaker in so many ways. It wasn’t a healthy relationship before D day and it really wasn’t after.
If you don’t do a disclosure how do you know what your H has been up too? I was thinking perhaps this would help and starting over, a clean slate. Or at least enough information to rake his ass over the coals in court… I didn’t think a polygraph worked? I think/thought they could lie through them so what would be the point in that? To me that is no way to establish trust… but I guess it would be a start. goc
Honestly GOC, I don’t think there’s any way to get everything. If you want enough for court you can get that through the disclosure or a PI but the reality is that the sickest of these guys can beat the polygraph. Or they fail the poly and you’re left with “what now?” I think the only real clean slate comes with a lobotomy (his and hers preferably) and a castration. THEN you can be sure. Other than that? Don’t think it’s possible.
Trust and these guys are not in the same dictionary. Apples and oranges. Ying and yang. Right and wrong. Really wrong…..
GOC,
Clean slate? Trust? I don’t think that’s the way it works in reality with an SA- like NAP said. And like Daisy said, you will never know if you know everything. Most likely you will not. I think it is more that you have to decide whether you can live with what they have done to you and your family and also live with the uncertainty of whether they continue to do it. It’s more like detachment.Eliza brings up a good point. You just need to know enough, really- whether there is a deal breaker or not. And the urge to “need to know” will dissipate over time as you focus on yourself and begin to heal. I think that making us wait a year for disclosure only hurts us more- reopens all the old wounds and creates new ones? Plus you have learned to tolerate their new “identity” for a year and have a whole year more invested in the relationship. I think waiting that year benefits the SA more than the partner. Everyone has to decide for themselves, but just know that (like everything else with these guys) disclosure comes with a cost. You have to decide if what you hope to gain is worth it. For some it is, for others not so much.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.