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hey girls, my DA only did part of his disclosure, and as you may know i didn’t get a copy. i can’t remember some of what he said, so i’m going back today with some questions.
the sheet that our CSAT uses has 15 points, DA did the first 10. he also neglected to tell me how much he spent on this shit, he is going to do that today. and we’ll set up an account with that amount (yes, i know it will probably be less than he actually spent, but at least it’s something).
here’s a link to the format our CSAT uses: http://www.samlouiemft.com/2012/06/sex-addiction-disclosure-what-women-need-to-know-part-ii/
i’m not happy with how DA has treated me in this process… it’s more of the same, him putting his needs before my safety and feelings.
please bear with me girls, i’m going to list them here so that i can tell the therapist about it before we begin. forgive me for using you all as a sounding board…
1. DA didn’t tell me how much he spent, before the first disclosure, right up to the night before, he was waffling about whether he was going to go through with it. stressful for me! a manipulation tactic too, i was just relieved he did it at all. i think he planned that…
2. he only did the first 10 of the 15 in the disclosure work sheet
3. the first disclosure he agreed to come back to clarify things, the CSAT told me i could write down dates. DA made an appointment in sept. (without asking me what would work). i told him i had deadlines in oct, and after oct would be better. he cancelled the appointment, but didn’t make another.
4. oct 10 or so, i asked why he hadn’t made another appointment. the next day he did, for an hour. he has always known i think we will need two hours, the other appointment was two hours, he left it so long she didn’t have a two hour block left. his response – ‘well it better be enough because i have to go to work’
5. he made the appointment for today. i didn’t notice the appointment is the day of a really important performance tonight and tomorrow night. not at all ideal. when DA made the appointment, he didn’t ask me what would work for me.
6. i asked DA to stay somewhere else tonight (before i remembered my performance, i’m so busy right now, i don’t really know my schedule in advance…). he said ‘i don’t have anywhere to stay’ dumbass liar. then he pointed out that i’m playing tonight, so we would have had to get a sitter, and it was too much so i allowed him to stay here
7. he offered to be gone today until i leave for my gig, and tomorrow from 9am till i need to leave. i told him 9 am is too late, and that 8 am would be better, i don’t want to be triggered or feel trapped in the morning. he says that 9am-8pm being out of the house is ‘reasonable’ i didn’t argue with him, i’m learning there is no arguing with a gaslighter, i just said ‘i know you think that’. i’ll speak about it with the therapist today, and get what i need.
8. the therapist office called to let me know they had 2 hours available. the CSAT obviously also thinks we need 2 hours, this was after an appointment with her, she made a point of having them call me.. i let DA know, he teaches recorder in my sons class (SUCH a good father!) from 11 – 12. i asked if he could leave 20 minutes early. i’m sure the teacher would say that would be fine. he refused. then i said, ok, i’ll take the first half hour on my own, you can be there by 12:30. ‘that means’ i’ll miss lunch” was his response. yeah motherfucker, you might miss having a leisurely lunch. pack a fucking sandwich and eat it in the car. so sorry you disclosing all your dirty shit to me is inconveniencing you.so…. this information. i can use this to see how this man, even in an important an event as this, is still primarily concerned with his own feelings, his own agenda. this is valuable information for my assessment of how worthwhile this relationship is to me. (it is not worthwhile, and this supports my decision to prepare to leave).
i can also try to see how much i can prevent him from neglecting my needs, by paying more attention. i don’t want to micromanage or have a trained dog in my DA, so this is a delicate balance…
jesus, and all this is BEFORE i find out a bunch of new shit.
i just shake my head at the selfishness. narcissism. all hidden under good guy and glamour gas lighting.
enough to make you fucking crazy!
but i’m trying to remember that i have the power to decide my fate, right now i’m gathering information. and learning how to stand up for myself against someone who will clearly take quiet advantage whenever he can.
it is so so so sad. what a tragedy for me and my son.
sorry this was so long, i know with ptsd it can be hard to read long posts, so i won’t feel at all put off if you just skim this, or pass over it!!
love you all
sure hope i can perform well tonight!
AND…. he acts like this when he wants a relationship with me! god help me when he is no longer being ‘good’ to try to keep the marriage together!!!!
part of the reason i’m listing this here girls, is i do NOT want to argue these points with DA. i do not want to give him even the slightest impression that there is any negotiating these points, he is fucking up, pure and simple. if i vent it here, and with the therapist, i can find a way of maintaining my integrity while i figure out how to deal with all this…
I’m sorry Lisa. You deserve so much more than this.
And this behaviour is just more of what we know about these guys. We are never going to be a bigger priority than their penis. We are never going to be more important than their egoic interests.
I’m sorry,, but I hope your music goes well.
Lisacay,
I’m sorry- it just sounds so typical. It’s all about him and what he wants/ is convenient for him.Good luck tonight.
Off the top of my head Lisa…
He doesn`t sound very “remorseful”. And it does not sound as if you are going to get what you need from this disclosure. If you want to go thru with it then I can`t see that it would make anything worse but just make sure it is what you want and need.
Your integrity will remain intact as long as you do not actually kill him ( and that`s iffy). These guys fuck around on us for years and they get a “formal disclosure” with a therapist with guidelines??? Whose bright idea was that? Maybe this is my redneck, beer drinking, southern side rising to the top but I`d just as soon hold a gun to his balls and ask what I wanted and shoot if I didn`t get it…
I`m so sorry you are having to do this. Please make him do anything you need to feel better. I kicked my DA out twice. The last time he pulled the “I have no where to stay” story. I told him that was not my problem. I didn`t even let him come home and get any clothes…Told him Walmart was open 24/7.
Good luck…I will be sending good thoughts your way.
Lisa,
It does help to put it all in writing and get your thoughts in line. I do not mind at all reading and am glad you can do that.
All this sounds like dragging feet and hoping it will just be too much of a hassle/stress and you’ll drop it. To me.
Of course your mind says, what about when … he isn’t so motivated, I lose the energy to keep up with him, etc. etc. It’s a fact, this is the hotseat and he’s either going to find a way to slide off, or just plain get acclimated. They are chameleons extraordinare, after all.
You are wise to note complete lack of either remorse or concern that this experience has to happen AT ALL. He should be doing everything possible to make this easier for you, really and honestly, because it’s HIS FAULT you have to suffer through it. But does he see it like that, no. I agree with Diane on that one. We are never going to be ahead of their needs. Well, only if we are MEETING their needs in some way they see as essential, and then only for as long as it takes to get our complicity to their desires and then we’re on the bottom rung again.
Sounds like you are so busy with your work, I am glad your work is there, to give you an outlet. And your son, as blessing.
Bev – I love “Walmart is open 24/7!” Best I did was pack my STBxSAH’s suitcase and leave it on the front porch with a mapquest map to the hotel I’d already paid for a week at on his charge card. That was too kind, yours was way better.
Dear Lisa,
I followed the link to the disclosure thing and read it. It made me feel sick. I hope this is going to give you something you need. I prefer to think of you in Amsterdam… Sending strenght. You will need it as he is as engaged as a lamp post.
bev,
at the very least, i’m going to get that fucking monetary amount (even if it is way under what he actually spent). i will promptly spend that on things that i can use/need would stay with me in a divorce.
and i imagine, this amount, witnessed by a therapist, will help give me bargaining power regardless of what happens. he is going to have to SAY OUT LOUD how much fucking money he spent on this. that he spent money. i will enjoy that.
as for something that is going to make me feel better about the relationship… unfortunately, because of his behaviour, i doubt the disclosure will help in that regard.
i believe more precise knowledge will empower me. and make it easier to decide my own fate.
thanks lynn, i will gladly share this with you instead of him!
teri and diane, you hit it on the nail. it always remains completely about him. (i mentioned his t shit will say ME! on the front and ‘is there anyone else?’ on the back)
Oh, Lisa, sounds like another cluster fuck ahead what with your asshole husband and his clueless counselor. That said, I think you got this… You are going in with eyes wide open. I might suggest you take a calculator in for the $$$ spent disclosure. For when your husband starts minimizing. And whatever amount he lists, double it. Then tack on a Finder’s Fee (for having to find out this shit in the first place). I hate the fucker. Good luck, Lisa, and remember we’ve got your back. Love, Liza
I think was is the real tragedy of it all is : how MUCH they think of themselves and how LITTLE they think of us….
As Diane said, Lisa, you deserve much better. I think so too!
We all do.Love, Nap
I’m with Bev. I don’t see why we aren’t allowed to be pissed off and angry at these guys. They always start crying if we are mad, like they are victims. I think part of Barbara Steffens’ treatment for partners should be that we get 15 minutes alone in a room with them tied to a chair- no rules. I think I’d feel a whole lot better if I could actually take some of anger out on him- even if I just yelled at him and told him exactly what I think of his cowardly asshole behavior.
I’m with Bev. I don’t see why we aren’t allowed to be pissed off and angry at these guys. They always start crying if we are mad, like they are victims. I think part of Barbara Steffens’ treatment for partners should be that we get 15 minutes alone in a room with them tied to a chair- no rules. I think I’d feel a whole lot better if I could actually take some of anger out on him- even if I just yelled at him and told him exactly what I think of his cowardly asshole behavior.
I think I would feel a whole lot better if the entire treatment model was scrapped and someone developed a treatment plan for partners that recognized them as the targets of narcs, borderlines and other abusers…..and THEN let them have 15 minutes in a room with no rules! Instead of sitting women down so they can compassionately listen to this shit for an hour or two.
hi sisters,
i am ok. it went ok. i showed up at 12, DA at 12:45 (he could have been there at 12:30, even with the recorder class volunteering). we went till 2:00. the CSAT got frustrated with him showing up so late, which was good to see. i told her about him not wanting to leave the house early the next day, and she let me know she would support my request that he leave the house. and also support me asking him not to Skype his parents anymore when he is looking after my son. the stupid dumb wads were talking about his recovery, i could hear every word. luckily my son was downstairs. so now DA is going to call them when i have my son.
the weirdest thing for me was how suddenly cooperative DA got. freaky dr. jekyl mr. hyde. i know the CSAT must have noticed, because in the first half hour i told her all the things he was refusing to do… then in the meeting he suddenly agreed! i think she may be seeing through him a little now. the most important thing is that she knows i’m afraid of him, and that he has been using intimidation to manipulate me.
it was validating. we did number 11 – 15 on that disclosure list, basically behaviour that isn’t sexual that was caused by SA. of course my DA doesn’t think that behaviour matters, but i think the CSAT got through to him that it does. so he disclosed his anger, his intimidation, his flirtations and inappropriate friendships. things like that. he rewrote his atonement letter, and read that. the first 3rd made me sick, but the last bit was better, so he is making progress to being more human. a better x husband…
i think it is a step towards us learning how to negotiate co parenting, if he can be even a bit better, that will make things better for my son.
i saw a lawyer today, i think i found one i like. she was recommended by a friend who is a super smart lawyer. i told her of my plan to leave in the spring. she was amazed i have that much patience.
that was difficult. the hard facts of my reality when i file. how hard it will be for me financially. what the law supports and what it doesn’t. empowering in one way (if he doesn’t cooperate i know what i can do) but so hard in another (all the acting out and spending means diddly twat, i’m going to have to prove i’m doing the best to improve my situation, i’ll need to find more work….).
so today was a super hard day. a difficult week with a lot – IUD, disclosure part two, lawyer… two really important performances (last night went well by the way). i have to finish some music for a concert next week that should have been done a week ago…what a lot.
i lost it today, felt like i couldn’t do it. it is too much. and it sucks that i didn’t do anything wrong, and my life has come unravelled, and i’m going to have to struggle because of DA dumfuckery.
but then i talked with my friend, we laughed a bit, and i realized that i will be able to do it, it may be hard, but i’ll make it.
thank you sisters, for thinking of me, it means a lot.
and pretty soon, off to play another concert! me and this singer will deconstruct, mangle, turn upside down, berlin cabaret tunes (most of them are about debauchery), then an ensemble will perform schoenberg’s 100 year old pierrot lunaire, (from albert girauds poetry) which is about a crazy ass clown and his surreal adventures.. perfect!
lisa,
Glad you made it through today- it sounds like it was a really hard one. But you are moving forward. It is so hard to hear- how much they have screwed up our lives and how hard we will have to work because of it. You just have to have hope and faith that somehow things will come out okay. You are smart and strong and talented. You will make it.
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