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hi all,
my sah’s therapeutic disclosure is tomorrow. i’m scared, feels like the earth isn’t solid.
my sah knows i’ve been to see a lawyer. he knows i have a plan b. he knows i don’t know what will happen with our marriage… he knows i won’t keep him from our boy, and i won’t keep my sah from his son – because i don’t think he is a danger to our child, he’s a good dad. i wouldn’t want to hurt my son by taking his father away.
my sah is seeing a lawyer now. he wanted to do this before disclosure, and i think that’s fine. if he knows the laws here in BC, i think he will be less paranoid about me trying to screw him with any information i get
(BC is a no fault province). we’d probably split everything. i would get spousal and child support. shared childcare. that is what i would go for, and that is what i would get, because it is supported by the law. i would ensure my career continues, as much as possible, as it did before D day.
i’m scared. since his treatment my sah is changed, i think he is serious about his recovery for him. but i have no idea what that means for the marriage. i suspect i won’t be able to stay with him, so i’m trying to lay the grounds for us to act cooperatively if it doesn’t work out. but i’m scared scared scared.
a small part of me thinks it may work out…
but no matter what i NEED that disclosure, so i can heal…
words of encouragement would REALLY be appreciated, sisters
Lisa, you got this and we got your back! What is your plan for tomorrow? Before and after the disclosure? How are you preparing? What supports are you putting in place? What will you do to take care of Lisa afterward? Whatever you learn tomorrow, you DO NOT have to make a decision tomorrow. You may want to make a decision NOT to make a decision tomorrow or give yourself permission not to start making a decision until you’ve sat with the information for a certain amount of time. You are likely to feel any number of complex emotions and your priority tomorrow should be YOU, taking care of you. I apologize that I don’t remember if you are still living with your SA. If you are, what is your plan for who will stay where tomorrow night? Do you think you will need physical space? Immediately after I got some disclosure from my partner, sleeping in the same bed as him or touching him was unbearable for a while. even looking at him disgusted and enraged me. Is there something you can do to ground yourself BEFORE the disclosure? Are you going there together or separately? Is there someone you feel safe with that you want to just sit with after or have on call in case you need company, someone who you don’t have to talk to if you don’t want to, but you can just be numb and sit in your PJs and cry or zone out on a movie or whatever feels right to you? What do you have that needs to get taken care of this week? Are you a doer when you’re in crisis or the kind of person who needs to crawl into a hole? If you don’t have a plan for self care for the next 24 hours and the next few days, make one. In the meantime, we are all here. Call or text me anytime, i will message you my cellphone number.
GREAT advice! I can only add this, write our names on an index card and put it in your pocket. Know that we are with you in spirit. Whatever comes out of it, you have sisters who have probably walked that road, and many who are journeying with you.
Lisa, good luck tomorrow. I will be thinking of you. Stay strong, and as art said, make sure you have time for you after and the next day or days. no responsibilities will be a good thing to plan if you can so you can do whatever it is you need to afterward. I’m so sorry you have to go through this but like you said, you need it to begin healing. I never had a disclosure. It just dripped out over several weeks and it hasn’t stopped opening the wound over and over again.
Love and hugs, and we’re all here to listen (read) if you need us.
JulesMy thoughts will be with you tonight and tomorrow, Lisa. It’s strange. I am longing for disclosure, and I can see from you that as disclosure approaches, the spouse is frightened by disclosure. So many no win situations in this.
I’ll be thinking about you Lisa. With you in spirit. I’d be scared too but I guess I would prefer the bandaid being ripped off all at once to having the wound ripped open again and again. I pray that ultimately you get healing from the pain.
Lisa, you’ll be in my thoughts also tomorrow. I believe in Truth, in telling it and in knowing it. All the cliches are true: Knowledge IS power; the truth WILL set you free, etc. But that doesn’t mean it won’t hurt. It sure might. And we’re here to prop you up, just as the women here carried me through the day my divorce was finalized. We’ll be with you in spirit, which might not sound like much, but is much. And as much as the truth might hurt (and I pray you DO get all the truth), it’s not as painful as being in the dark, as having someone else hold onto the information you NEED to make decisions about YOUR life. You go and get that info!
yes, i believe in Truth too! i’m not religious, but if there is a spiritual world for me, it would be the Truth…
we will be arriving and leaving separately.
i will stay in my friends beautiful studio on bowen island for a few days. i think i can stay as long as i want. i have the phone numbers of a few friends. i will be alone, but i think that will be ok. (hope so) i’ll have my bike, and plan to ride around the island – it’s really beautiful. my husband will stay with my son.
i’m a musician (pianist and composer). there is a grand piano in the studio, looking over the trees and the ocean. i will have some work to do if i feel up to it. i will bring composition commissions i can work on, one for piano and clarinet and for a large ensemble from amsterdam. i won’t put pressure on myself to create, but i’m hoping that i will get into writing.
that will be the ultimate revenge! write some badass music!!
and one of the pieces is ‘about’ the SA, fragmentation, dissociation, the illusion of the ‘sex object.’ it will all be very abstract – nothing public, but i will know what it’s about.
i’m really hoping i can work, because i haven’t been able to for six months. at the same time, if i can’t, i can’t…
i have a recipe card with your beautiful names on it. and artemis, i have your number. thank you so so so much. you may hear from me! 510 area code, bay area correct?
i will bring this really cool rock my son found on the beach. and i may try to pick up some flowers. (or i could bring the fuck you cactus my best friend gave me!!) and try to get some good sleep tonight. eat healthy.
i had a talk today with my best friend. i’m seeing my other great friend later tonight. i’m going to a cosa meeting tonight, so i’ll let some of my feelings out there, and see some of my cosa buddies…
i was going to try to ride my bike to the ferry (it’s quite an intense ride), but i may drive and put the bike in the car…
so i think i have a plan in place…
thank you for your support
xo
We are all with you Lisa. Whenever you falter and need our support just know that we are right there, on your shoulder, cheering you on.
The truth will certainly set you free just as March said.
Hugs and love and light for tomorrow and all of the tomorrows after. ~ JoAnn
I will be sending all the good thoughts your way. Just think of us all behind you. It will be hard but you have a great plan. You can do this and you will have the truth. Love, Bev
Lisa,
I am in Vancouver right now for a funeral (my husband’s cousin) so I am sending you positive thoughts and hugs from South Granville…..hopefully you can feel them.
The truth is an amazing healer.
Love,
Deb
Hi Lisa,
Just wanted to let you know that I will be thinking of you today. I hope you get what you need and I hope your SA will choose to be honest and get this out there for your sake in order to start making some decisions for the rest of your life.
Picture an army of sisters behind you. We are here and we’re not goin anywhere!! XO!!
Lisa,
Thinking of you today and sending you strength at this very difficult time. I admire your courage and you are very wise to have a plan B in case you need it. I hope all goes well and just know all your sister are here thinking of you!
Love, NapLisa,
I am at the Atlantic Ocean today. There is such peace here, and power. Seeing this ocean, water that has been throughout time recycled through life after life in times and places I will never know, I always feel the OM connection to all. My hands are here in the waves sending you this peace and connection for your own today. You will
Lisa,
I am at the Atlantic Ocean today. There is such peace here, and power. Seeing this oean, water that has been throughout time recycled through life after life in times and places I will never know, I always feel the OM connection to all. My hands are here in the waves sending you this peace and connection for your own today. You will
Dear Lisa,
I loved Lynn’s idea of the recipe card and our names. Sounds like you have a great plan in place for an experience that none of us ever expect in our lives….Sending angels to surround you. Karen xx
Karen,
I wrote JoAnn a note about the card a while back. I wrote all your names (that I knew at the time) on a card I had in my pocket while on AC, to remind myself of two things: I was not alone, and our collective pain should NOT be dismissed as the result of codependency. You can see I was struggling not to break down into incoherent sobs. Touching that card saved me.
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