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thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
well i’m off.. love to all.
Holding you in the light, Lisa, here in Muskoka.
I hope it isn’t too awful and you leave in one piece.
ps love Bowen Island!D.
Hi everyone,
I had the card of your beautiful names in my purse, the fuck you plant my best friend gave me on the table. The rock my son found in one hand, a rock from my other friend in the other.
There were a coule of hurtful surprises, I feel so sad for that young innocent trusting girl….
I heard how crazy thie affliction is, saw the escalation, in each new city, on trios, or with new technology in our house…
What an ugly beast.
It is also clear that this had nothing to do with me…
I also think of my poor young son. He was 2, 3, when his dad began taking huge risks. His mom had PPD and was sad confused and lonely. and was not supported.
So much shame. Such a shame.
I think I know most everything. I will absorb it all, rework my life in my mind (22 years).
And build my new life.
No matter what ANYONE throws at me, I will never never be fooled like I was again.
Hi everyone,
I had the card of your beautiful names in my purse, the fuck you plant my best friend gave me on the table. The rock my son found in one hand, a rock from my other friend in the other.
There were a coule of hurtful surprises, I feel so sad for that young innocent trusting girl….
I heard how crazy thie affliction is, saw the escalation, in each new city, on trips or with new technology in our house…
What an ugly beast.
It is clear that this had nothing to do with me…
I think of my poor young son. He was 2, 3, when his dad began taking huge risks. His mom had PPD and was sad confused and lonely. and was not supported.
So much shame. Such a shame.
I think I know most everything. I will absorb it all, rework my life in my mind (22 years).
And build my new life.
No matter what ANYONE throws at me, I will never never be fooled like I was again.
“I feel so sad for that young innocent trusting girl….” Lisa, exactly. I was still that girl, 13 years ago, even at the age of 36. Even after one failed marriage–and that one to a sociopath. I truly believed in this man who took on raising three children who were not his own. I trusted him with everything in me. I will never trust like that again. That girl is gone. Maybe it’s ok; maybe it means I’ll take better care of myself, expect more of myself, BE more for myself. I’m glad you got that over with and that you sound, well, okay. Now, you start building from the ground up, yes.
Lisa, I’ve been thinking about you all day. Hope you are doing okay. I hope it helps to know how many thoughts and prayers and hugs are coming your way.
Daisy
I feel sad too for all these trusting innocent girls,,,
but you are a strong mature woman, and you will make it,,,
love you lisaI didn’t get to wish you well before you went but I’m glad you sound like there is some direction for you after disclosure, even if it’s to process what you heard.
Sending hugs and strength
Lisa,
Thinking about you and hoping you can find a moment of calmness and peace and know that you have a sisterhood of support and love.
DawnTake good care of yourself. You may react after things begin to sink in and old memories come back and start to make sense.
So proud of you to have the courage to go through that and I wish you well.
Much love, Claire
here i am sitting in a beautiful little studio on bowen island. i put everything away, opened the windows and doors and let the forest air in. i can hear sea birds squawking (and a lawn mower!) and the wind just picked up, wind chimes.
i’m going to go for a bike ride today – wish me luck the hills are going to be nasty!
i’m calmish. but… it’s as if i’m outside myself, doing all the things i know i ‘should’ do.
my sah has had the cover story that he acted out with prostitutes because we weren’t having sex. somehow my body was wise, and i couldn’t have sex with him for the past 8 years. so sad, but at least my intuition was protecting myself. i’m ashamed i was in denial that that was somehow ok, and that things would get better someday… but, i knew, and part of me is proud of that and reassured by he power of my inner spirit, even if my mind is often two steps behind…
i found out yesterday that he was getting lap dances for an hour every saturday for a year when we lived in san francisco. that they were a dollar each and he got 5 – 10 each week (meaning 10 each week). then when we came to vancouver, they were $35 so that was the end of the lap dances. good thing he is a cheap motherfucker, otherwise he would have done a lot more damage to himself and to our bank account.
so now it’s painfully obvious that ‘its because we weren’t having sex’ is such a lame ass addict stupid dumb ignoramus pitiful disgusting addict justification. no one can even pretend one iota that that has any any any any bearing on any of this.
it is liberating for me to see so so so so clearly that the escalation had NOTHING to do with me.
at the same time, my heart breaks for my 30 year old self liviing happily in SF, drinking martinis, riding my bike, getting in great shape, enjoying our cute little apartment near the park.
and he was having women grind his groin every week. and when he wasn’t doing it, he was thinking about doing it. all that time.
somehow, this hurts more than the prostitutes.
i was there for him then. obviously it wasn’t enough for his fucked up brain. obviously it’s not me he wanted. or its separate, fuck, i don’t know how to reconcile this. i don’t know how to not take it personally. my brain does, but my heart…
And doesn’t the physical world offer us consolation all along? Those deer WERE a gift, just like I had the gifts of muscadines, wild kittens, abandoned shacks deep in the woods, and maypops when I was a child who was sexually abused, lost among people. Now, I find comfort in mountain biking and paddling on the river. We can all find such comfort, and acknowledge it when it finds us without our having to try. Thanks for that reminder, Lisa. And thanks for keeping us updated with what’s going on in you as you navigate this difficult terrain.
Lisa,
Thinking of you and so sorry for your pain and confusion. I was 30 when I unknowingly married an SA. I am now 49 and just divorced him after 17 years of pain and confusion. I hope things don’t work out that way for you. Oh, to be 30 again!! You have our support no matter what, but please take care of yourself and REALLY think about all of this. Loving someone, especially YOUR HUSBAND, Shouldnt be so hard. 🙁
Enjoy your ME time!! XO!!
yes, to be 30 again… i’m 44..
yes, the deer were a gift! and the sun, wind and forest. i think i’ll go look at them instead of my computer screen!
Lisa,
Just catching up on what you have been going through. I am proud of your strength as you process everything that has happened. Continue to validate your feelings and know that his issues had nothing to do with you. This is all just a very painful process to go through, and you are doing all of the right things.
Know that I am holding you in my heart.
By the way, deer are always a sign of good things to come for me. I hope they are for you tooo!!!
Hugs!!!
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