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I have asked my SAH to discuss disclosing to me all that he has been doing because I do not believe it is “just porn”. I told him that I would not take our computer to an investigator if he would come clean to me. I have read that he should not disclose to me if I do not promise to work on the marriage for 1 year and that if I see an attorney that he should not disclose to me because there is no point. The way I see it, he can’t really begin to “recover” if he won’t admit to what he has done and I can’t begin to heal if I am waiting for the anvil to drop on my head AGAIN! With my personality, I need to know and I need to know now. Any opinions on this? I have appointments with 2 attorneys this week to draw up a financial agreement that will protect me as we navigate the next year. I am not filing for divorce this week. Whether or not I do file is dependent on what he discloses. If I thought I had to wait around for a year or more while he decides when it is a good time for him to disclose, I think I would fall into a black hole and never come out again. What have you sisters done with regards to disclosures?
Those ridiculous rules were made up by the recovering sex addicts who are now the CSAT’s–bunch of bastards. A therapist friend of mine (female CSAT, not a recovering SA) believes that they project their own shame–from decimating their own wives and families–onto the partners of the SA’s they treat. I believe this–and have experienced it myself–100%. The CSAT’s have re-traumatized me. They prescribe from us what they want from their wives. Think about it. A promise to stick around for a year…waiting on disclosure until THEY are ready…keeping the little missy on HER side of the street…REALLY??!!!! Fuck all of them. You get what YOU want, what YOU need, when YOU want it.
Yes Trish,
Take EVERYTHING you read by those people with a huge grain of salt. Most of them are sick themselves and they are NOT partner friendly. There are a few good ones but very hard to find.
I understand what you need and what you want but it is very unlikely he will tell you the truth. Your one chance is to say you want a full disclosure with a polygraph. That might intimidate him into telling you what you need. I say might because lots of them don’t cough up till they are at the appt and others just try to lie their way through it. These poly’s are usually arranged by CSATs and on their time schedule…..which means you have given them a shitload of money before you ever get your poly. Just the same, you are free to insist on whatever terms you want.Try calling around and see if you can find someone who does ploys. You are looking for a pretty straight forward answer. It might not have to be as complex as a full blown disclosure with all the gory details.
I still think you should have that computer searched. The answer you seek may be on there especially if you want to know his intent. Looking for people to have sex with gives u an idea where he was in all of this.
I agree with March. In this process all kinds of people have an agenda. Make sure you only follow your own. Karen xxHmmmm…you know Trish, there is just something strange about this ‘either or’ situation.
YOU need the truth, the whole truth. He needs to give you a full disclosure with a polygraph, and then tell him you will verify everything he told you with his computer records.
As long as something is with held you will always wonder.
He wrecked the marriage, not you. Now it’s up to him to be accountable and give you whatever YOU need to heal from this train wreck.
YOU tell him what you need, not the other way around. Get those computer records no matter what he says. I think that’s the only way you will get the whole truth.
Just my opinion. That’s what I would do if it were me. ~ joAnn
Oh I’m just about ready to explode!
Trish, these people do not get to make ultimatums. They are serving his interest only, and theirs secondarily.
You can tell them that to act as they demand suggest you are co-dependent, and you are not. The addict and the former addict CSAT do NOT make the rules here. You do. You are the one who did not lie, con, betray, keep secrets, waste money etc. You are not the person responsible andyou will NOT be bullied further into doing what they want when it does not respect your trauma, your fears, your experience, you anxieties for the future. You are protecting yourself and any children by going to a lawyer and also requiring what you need from him. You are NOT GOING TO BE THE ONLY ONE TAKE THE RISKS HERE. He must take his risks too, including that what you hear may mean the end of line.
I could just scream how these people think everything should always be working for them, and the partners are just left to hang out on the line.
Get what you need from him and from a lawyer and from anybody else.
How dare they judge your needs as inappropriate. They actually reveal how sane you are, and how NOT codependent you are.There is no bargaining to be done here. To make a wife promise to stay for a year in exchange for the truth about her situation is extortion.
ugh. it’s deplorable.
you could play the game. smile and wave, out manipulate the manipulator. get what you want.
the thing i hate most about the unfairness of the treatment models is the position it puts us in. we have to fucking fight for our rights. and how difficult is that, especially in the beginning with ptsd?
my thoughts are with you trish. you deserve to be treated with more respect.
So this is the e-mail I sent to him just now. I see my CSAT at 2pm – she probably won’t like that I sent this – Fuck her!
Dear XXX,
There is nothing like a long drive home to make you think. I had 6 hours of think time yesterday and this is what I have come up with. I NEED the TRUTH. The WHOLE TRUTH. You need to give me a full disclosure followed by a polygraph and then I will verify everything you tell me with the computer records. As long as something is held back, I will always wonder and no recovery can happen for you and no healing can happen for me or our family. You wrecked our marriage – not me – and it is time you were accountable. If you sincerely want to recover then I think you will agree that this is needed for both of us.
I can only imagine how scared you must be to have to actually say out loud what you have done, but that is what I need and I need it now. I would like you to schedule an appointment with your therapist or XXX here in XXX to do this disclosure. I want this done in person and not via Skype or a phone call. I can not and will not wait for staggered disclosures over the next 10 years. I am free this Thursday and Friday and can drive up for the appointment or you can come here. Next week is as long as I am willing to wait. My blood pressure is dangerously high – it was checked at the Dr’s this morning. I will be seen tomorrow to discuss something stronger so I do not have a heart attack or stroke while navigating my new reality. I have my therapists appointment at 2pm but other wise will be here if you need to call me. I could not be more sad writing this.
TrishI hope he agrees.
YOu did your best Trish. Bravo.
And if that dink the CSAT gives you grief, you bring out the extortion line.
I’m worried now about your blood pressure. I’m sorry if my own little rant set yours off. I will tone it down and just know I’m making a low growl.
D.xoDiane, I’ll bet the anger is there, the rage, bubbling under the surface, whether it pops up or not. My normal BP used to be 90 over 60, like the walking dead. My doctors–always impressed. Years of jogging, etc. But now, always high for me. And it doesn’t take outward rage to make it so. This stress is just incredible, unfathomable. Trish, I’m sorry for all you’re going through. Breathe. Good job on the email. Stick to your guns.
The sisters have said what I was too angry to say. I read your post first thing this morning and I was so angry it reduced my total vocabulary to 4 letter words.
The therapists and the CSATs aren’t married to him ..YOU are. You can do whatever you want/need whenever you want/need. The last time I checked it was still a free country and you are a free individual.
I wanted to add that since he has been less than forthcoming and caused you stress and pain and high blood pressure then just go file for the divorce and let the chips fall. I guess that isn’t very helpful but I am still infuriated..
Love and hugs and prayers to you Trish. Don’t let any of these bastards tell you what to do.
Trish, my SA told me that his CSAT (Cock Sucking Asshole Therapist) said that a condition of him taking a polygraph would be that I was in therapy. wtf.. Like the other sisters said, so many of these CSATs are so-called ‘recovering sex addicts’ themselves (including the one my SA went to), and personally I think they’ve got a whole buttload of misogyny going on. This is really a time when you have to think of YOU first, and what you need, and to hell with what the so-called professionals say. Stay strong hon, and take care of you. xoxo
Trish – I’m sooo proud of you. How in the world can you make a decision about your marriage if you don’t know what happened? Logic will get you through this.
One thing that I was told – which makes sense, is that you might not get a full disclosure (even with the threat of the poly and the computer records) because these guys have their head so far up their butts that their memory fades, their shame is too great, and some dissociate during their “stuff”.
Even the freakin affair books tell you that we need a timeline so keep going girl….you are going the right direction.
I got a dribbled incomplete disclosure and as soon as our finances get better, I’m demanding one. It’s been a year and he hemmed and hawed and I was told my one therapist to wait, another told me that I didn’t need one (why focus on the past??) and another one….well, they are all idiots! We know what we need – not them. You go girl.
It is a good idea to have a therapist or someone that you can rant to pick you up….and some questions prepared or given to him ahead of time (e.g. I want to know how much money he spent and if I knew anyone he screwed)….good luck!! And keep us posted….
BTW – I do think that there is some merit in the “wait a year thing” as I think my SAH’s disclosure will be much more truthful now (since he’s out of denial and shame) – but who the fuck cares? You need at least some of the info. NOW to make a decision.
Deb
Hey Trish, Disclosure can be very helpful because at least after its given, you have heard everything and in a sense, you can try to rebuild your marriage. I have to warn you however, it is NOT easy to hear. You have to prepare yourself and once you do, make sure that you give yourself space from him for a while to calm down.
When I heard everything, i slept in a different room for almost a month (It should have been longer!). With regard to the financial papers, that is a really good idea to prepare for the worse. I know its hard, but when listening to the disclosure, try to keep an open mind and DO not make any haste decisions. I know from personal experience that what you perceive now can change in a year or two. If your husband is committed to changing, who he turns into can change your world.
Good luck!
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