- This topic has 40 replies, 17 voices, and was last updated 12 years, 2 months ago by
.
-
Posts
-
“One thing that I was told – which makes sense, is that you might not get a full disclosure (even with the threat of the poly and the computer records) because these guys have their head so far up their butts that their memory fades, their shame is too great, and some dissociate during their “stuff”.”
The above–what Deb was told–is one of the biggest loads of crap anyone will ever dump on you–just a pathetic excuse to keep you sitting on your haunches for a year. If they’ve already forgotten stuff NOW, imagine how much they can conveniently forget as time goes on and recovery gets hard. Here’s what happens if you listen to this: Scenario One: Your SA never actually GETS into recovery, or stays in it long enough to make progress, and you end up with NO FUCKING DISCLOSURE AT ALL. You NEVER find out what he did. And trust me, sister, all that gnarly shit will come in handy during a divorce–all that stuff he doesn’t want his boss or his mommy to know…Second scenario: He starts making great progress, is being the model husband, and both he and his therapist start leaning on you to “put the past in the past” or YOU start leaning on yourself, believing that maybe it doesn’t really matter after all…THEN, down the road, when he relapses and the addiction accelerates (After four years of sobriety, mine relapsed and in less than two weeks was doing things he’d NEVER tried before), you’re blindsided because you didn’t know what he was capable of in the first place–and still won’t find out what he’s up to.
There’s no good reason to postpone disclosure. If they’re pressured, they’ll tell all they’re ever going to tell. In the beginning. When they’re contrite or panic-stricken. When they know they must put everything on the line. All that other stuff–the shame, the memory lapses…it ain’t going anywhere fast. You need to know what he’s capable of, what he’s “in to,” how at-risk you are, how at-risk any young people around you are…the list is fucking endless.
Having had a full disclosure myself and a half-assed one before that, I feel compelled to share. My SAH would never have been able to do a genuine, full, disclosure without the inpatient support he received. He tried – but there was so much shame involved with everything he put me through that he couldnt do it…until he had 3 weeks of intensive inpatient therapy…. And even then, he still had a few things that came out through my questioning…Now I couldnt postpone disclosure myself – it was the only way that I would even consider keeping my relationship- it was a non-negotiable and my husband was clear on that…I needed names, details, everything….or I couldnt even imagine staying…it was so very painful, and still is painful months later…but it was 100% worth it to me…
I’m with March on this (no surprise there). The more I learn about treatment for sexual addiction the more I am convinced they are all looney as the clients. For the partner…it is abuse by therapy IMO. That aside, all Trish wants to know is if he was with live people because she is going to divorce him if he was.( thats how I understand it?) That should be easy enough to get out of a disclosure. Once she opens that can of worms…well…she can worry about more detail later if she wants to bother.
Trish, I couldn’t say it better than the sisters. Get what YOU need. Do not negotiate at all. Prepare for the divorce as fast as you possibly can. Whether or not you actually file can be dependent on what you learn. And “you can’t get x or y if you see an attorney”… who said you were ASKING if you could see an attorney?” Really, the audacity is dumbfounding. He lost the right to make the decisions when he proved they were made with the little head.
Just a warning, mine really manipulated the disclosures, because he was still in denial. Two disclosures and a polygraph later I STILL did not know everything. Not trying to bring you down, just keep your antennae up and your intuition sharp and BELIEVE your gut, not those therapists or your SAH. You seem like you have good instincts and will stand up for yourself when you need to (Bravo!!).
March, if you don’t mind me asking, did your husband’s relapse come out of the blue? I can’t even imagine how devastating that must have been for you after four years. It’s also a reality check for me..for all of us probably..as far as taking any ‘recovery’ for granted. xoxo
I fucking hate the word ‘recovery’. The dictionary defines recovery: restoration to a former or better condition; the regaining of something lost. In what alternative universe does that apply to us….
Every term they use is asinine…. recovery, disclosure, slip up, act out, sober, accountable, triggers, transparency, present, authentic…..
Think about it.
Seriously. Every time I hear the term ‘accountability partner,’ I think about the fact that BOTH of them would rather be blowing each other in the back seat of a car.
“Slip up” sounds like a small fall on a banana peel. Hardly describes pretending to fall so you can grab a teenage girls boob in the swimming pool.
“Act out” sounds like a mild tantrum in a grocery store. Hardly describes screwing a hooker with the money that was supposed to go for grocery shopping.
Deb
I refuse to use the goofy words if I am talking to my H. I use them here sometimes for the sake of brevity and language…
I think I love how often we all use the word FUCK! It is my new favorite! A week or 2 ago a friend on Facebook posted “Practice the F word – FORGIVE” I replied that I had been “practicing the other F word”. Not ready at all for forgiveness – that is somewhere in my future (i hope).
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.