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I posted a story about an experience with one of my husbands counselors on the post called “therapist question”.
Marie also responded with a story about one of her experiences. We all probably have some weird accounts of what we have been through as a result of looking for help with our troubled relationship and marriage.
To go to a professional looking for help regarding the SA that has invaded our well being, and to have them add to the “crazy making” of our situation, just adds to our trauma.
What kind of situations have you been in where you are trying to get support, answers and clarity to this problem only to be further discounted?
I have so many examples of this, and realize how this has impacted my ability to accurately view my reality.
Hearing what others have gone through might help me to understand that this is just another component of the process of healing.
When my husband and I were in counseling in the beginning, he would act so different during that hour and half weekly session than how he would act at home.
At first when I observed him showing what I thought looked like a beginning of emotional empathy I was so relieved. I was so encouraged that perhaps he was “getting it”. Several sessions down the road I realized that he was only able to provide this nurturing side during our hour and half meetings. At home, he was still being an arrogant, self centered, victim. Blaming me for our marriage problems and being unresponsive to my tears of sadness. During our meeting he would talk about how sorry he was and how he is so sad that he did this to me. The counselor would look at me with encouragement and want me to respond to this grief stricken man who was with us. Obviously, he is trying to make amends to me. I remember at first thinking “Oh my goodness, I have to respond with gratitude and support this new found person that is emerging from within my husband”. I finally called an ace and ace and said that I am questioning the fact that the only time he seems to be showing this nurturing side is when we are sitting here in this office for an hour and a half. Something does not seem sincere if he is really feeling this way that he does not continue in that same frame of mind when we are home. How can he be saying he is so sorry in her office, but when we are home accuse me of trying to punish him with my tears. The counselor responded that the reason he did that was because he felt safe in her office to expose his real apologetic self and that he did not feel safe at home.
I remember trying to let that answer sink in. I finally realized that as good as this therapist was, he had really pulled the wool over her eyes. He knew what she wanted to hear. He was willing to play her game.
I told them that this was not OK for me. First of all “What the hell are they talking about?” He needed to feel “safe” from me? He is implying that somehow I am an “unsafe” person. Are you kiddin me? We have been married for 25 years, and all of a sudden he does not feel “safe” to show me compassion? He had been in SA therapy for 7 months in addition to the therapy that we were having with her. I told her that after that much time had passed, I am needing more than an hour and a half per week of him showing empathy.
I said, “NO, this does not work for me.”Of course, the fact that something did not feel right to me, it is my fault that we could not get our marriage mended with her. How convenient!
Hi Cindy,
My therapist made a good analogy. This helps me not only understand my husband; it also helps me to understand other difficult family members. She said people are like a story with chapters. They may have one chapter which surprises you and makes you hopeful, but the rest of the chapters fall in sync with the same story. Their story…I have one atleast that I can think of right of the top of my head.
My SA (then boyfriend) went to counseling. It was because i was having trust issues and wanted to go the a bachelor party on monetreal for a weekend. It did not matter how much it upset me, nothing i said mattered and he went anyway (this was him showing me who he was, should have dumped him). But anyway this was the reason for going to the therapy and it was prior as he explained and explained that he loves me and does not see what my problem is. i expalined and explained that it hurts me, quite frankly causes a panic attack which i cannot explain. So we go to therapy for weeks and weeks. Final summary is SA proclaims his love and how much he cares for me in therapy, and i must have trust issues because of my dad. short of the story was after this I was so truamatized and distraught that I did go on anit-depressents. Little did i know nor the therapist know we were both being played. My feelings were discounted, he latched onto my past, and played that card. When in reality i was right, he was ditching me, and showed no regard for my feelings. Now given what I know he could have easily slept with a stripper gone to a massage parlor you get the drift. I will never know. But the therapy was sabatoged.Here’s one….when we were first in marriage counseling after d-day #1 ( didn’t know about sex addiction)….she told me that his affairs were 50% my fault, that if we had a good marriage where his needs were being met, he would not have done that. I told her that my needs weren’t met, either, and that I chose not to go outside the marriage, that if I had, it would have been my choice and my responsibility. Why should he be different? …..she ignored the question and just reiterated that the affairs were 50% my fault.
LOVE this thread, Cindy:)
MarieCindy,
You are telling my story of therapy! I’ll write more later. I have tales to tell,too. Good thread, Sisters.Polly
Oh yeah, Flora and Marie. Trust issues cuz of Dad and marriage problems are 50/50. That last one is pulled on every woman that has a cheating husband, SA or not.
I know that therapists have to build a rapport with their clients, but I thought that this was taking it a bit far. I had finally convinced my husband to go for therapy – though it only lasted 4 sessions. After one of these, my husband and I were discussing my issues with him having cybersex. He said his therapist compared it to how some women don’t like their husbands playing golf! Really? Cybersex is like playing golf?
Hence I wasn’t too disheartened when he stopped going for therapy.
-Laya
The wrong therapy is worse than no therapy. On the site sexualcontrol.com there is a guide to selecting a therapist with the necessary experience.
Considerably less traumatic than the kind described above but a kind of bizarre incident happened with a therapist where we were going and paying our customary co-pay. At the end of one session, he turned to my husband and asked for double that amount. My husband said that wasn’t correct and the therapist sighed and said ‘Now he we go. This is another integrity issue for you isn’t it?’. My husband said absolutely not and he was sure that there was some confusion somewhere, gave him additional cash, and we left. When we got into the car he was furious. I said i thought that i must have missed something but i know what our copay is and didn’t get what had just happened My h said he had been painfully honest with this man about everything for weeks and it was totally wrong for him to throw out that card even if we had been the ones mistaken about the copay. We felt like the dr-patient relationship was compromised at that point
one of the first visits to see his councilor about 3 months [oct 2010] into his recovery i told this man that my partner raped me. he turns around and says to him do you hear what shes saying you did. then asks my partner how do you feel about that. not another word about it. months latter i was at his office and brought up his constant lying about cash receipts and charges on card, this guy thought i was way off base and had no right to question this. though we had agreed to his money being one the table at all times. but this is the best on feb 1,2011 i sat in this mans office and pleaded that his was not in recovery at all and his councilor looked him straight in the eye and said well i believe you are in recovery. 4 weeks latter i found out he spent 500+ in a strip club. i called this councilor and he tells me well i thought he was stuck, WTF and then tells me i should just leave him. i was involved many times with him and his councilor each time i told this guy that my partner had some sort of pd. after 6 months of this he finally gave him some tests to shut me up. when he finished the councilor say to him i feel you have major anxiety and depression. he seemed shocked by this.
My experience with Steve’s Therapist is similar to some of yours. He has been seeing her for 21/2 yrs. Every week, she never got down to issues with him-just says pretty much the same every week, but never actually dealing with the addiction. I have never thought she had the expertise to treat an SA.
She told me the same thing – I was having difficulty resolving the ending of the relationship/ marriage because of childhood trauma. She also told me I was sexually molested secondary to my revealing I took a nap with my Dad around age 8 and threw my leg over him and cuddled up to him. She also told Steve’s sister she was sexually molested by her dad based on one incident of feeling uncomfortable leaving children in the family alone with her dad to go get an ice cream cone, and didn’t know why she felt that way. I have never heard of a therapist telling a patient they have been sexually molested based on one incident that could have many logical reasons for the incident.
Steve does not feel his Therapist is really benefiting him, and is going to a Certified Sexual Therapist referred to him by my friend/colleague. I think he is seeing, since he has been serious about working on his recovery, that his hasn’t done that much for him. Feels that Celebrate Recovery and Recovery Nation have made more of an inpact on him than she has.
Granted I had childhood trauma, as many of us have, but feel I resolved it a long time ago. My therapist is going to do EMDR or hypnotherapy to make sure I am not holding on to an old trauma, therefore having difficulty resolving Steve.
I don’t think she will uncover anything, but the experience of hypnotistm or EMDR should be an interesting experience in itself. Will let you all know the outcome after my appointment tomorrow night. Appt. is @ 6pm.
I think the SA and spouse have to very careful when selecting a therapist for addiction. Ask questions. Check credentials. I think Steve’s therapist was good at Family Therapy, but totally clueless in dealing with sexual addiction.Incredible stories friends,
Reading these stories makes me feel stronger to stand up for what I know is right.
I know what has happened in these cases is NOT right!
Thanks for sharing.
Of course it is not only in the professional arena where we have had to face obstacles and be discounted.
People who I know love me and want only the best for me have also contributed to my questioning my reality. I am sure you have stories for this as well.
For example:
My parents just wanted my pain to be over. I remember my Mom saying to me. “Cindy, just invite him over for dinner. Be nice. Give him a chance.” I said “Mom, did you hear what I just finished sharing with you?”
At other times she would say, “Well, can’t you just bring him a cup of coffee in the morning. If you are not talking with him, he will not know where he stands.”
It was only after many conversations with my parents trying to inform them about what I was dealing with that they finally understood the depth of the situation.
What was happening is that it was really just to much information for them to process. It was as if they were not hearing the whole thing. They were protecting themselves from hearing it all, so in their minds they were only letting so much in at a time. Sounds kind of like what we do as the spouse trying to process all of this information. It really is to much.
Hi Cindy,
My mother was kinda the same. But then she was going to a therapist for herself and was able to talk to her therapist who said the same things that are said on here. Most of these guys do not recover and its really a no win situation. Then since she heard it from another source it seemed to really sink in.My SA’s parents however def. glazed it over. And its my fault because i do not love their son enough. As I have always said it does not matter how much i love your son, sex addiction will still be there and he is not meeting my needs.
And then there is this old mentality if you provided more sex for your husband he would not have to look elsewhere. I know for a fact there were times when we had sex that day or the day before and he was still looking up or having other hook-ups. So I know it had nothing to do with me, and nothing to do with me regardless!!! Ugh. Someday everyone will understand and they do about drugs and alchohol, but it is long way off in the future.
So oh well. Nothing I can do about it.
Sisters—there is a whole book to be written here. Good grief, you are an amazing group to have lived through the SA and then the therapist experience too.
Honestly, someone should write a book.
D.today was a good one, i went to see his councilor with him today, unannounced. my partner has been using me to act out with, so i brought it up and his councilor said that i am like a open bar to my partner. i damn near feel over, i said the whole world is a open bar to a sex addict. this guy has no idea what hes doing. this guy also told my partner that what he is doing can be considered normal between partners. trust me this is not normal behaviors most times i am sleeping and wake up to him/it.
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