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In SA’s latest shenanegins, he asked (well demanded) to get together this past Thursday to figure out how to divide the household contents. My thought was to do what most rational people do: start with a list of what each of us really wants, and compare them for overlaps as a starting point. He said he never heard of such a thing. His plan is to go through the house, taking each item and essentially bargaining for them, the person “wanting” the item paying the other person a mutually decided upon price. (huhhh?) I’m pretty sure this process is meant to wear me down. When I said no, he back pedaled on paying reimbursing me $620 for a major dance competition bill for my daughter. He had held the reimbursement over my head until that night. I should have known he was lying. So I basically told him to fuck off and that I would go through my attorney. I feel defeated that I/we have to go through attorneys for furniture division, when so many others handle it without lawyer intervention, but I really don’t know what else to do. I mean, how do I walk around and play “garage sale” for several hours with a man who had called me a “fucking lying cunt” and a “whore” the week before? Twilight Zone music anyone? Am I being unreasonable?
I can only hope you are being completely unreasonable and getting away with it!
Jerk. Jerk off. See how they go together?
You made the right decision. You cannot allow him to be in control of anything. Is that clear? Remember what we keep saying…they are not normal. He will not be fair, polite, reasonable, or honest. He hasn’t been like that for your whole married life and now that the secret’s out, he hardly is going to start being fair or polite or reasonable or honest. He has permission to be awful because it’s a divorce.
I repeat. You cannot allow him to have control of anything. His penis is all he gets to be in control of, because you don’t want that anymore. YOu have much better one attached to a much better human being.
Julie, It’s not at all funny, but I can’t help but laugh at what he thinks is a reasonable way to divide up your possessions. He is not only in Crazytown, he is the freakin’ mayor. What happens when you get to your kids’ bedrooms? Bidding war for their beds? Maybe you need to hire an auctioneer and hold an auction with the 2 of you? Is this a bad sitcom or what?
Stick with your attorney. It will cost money but save your sanity.
You should never have to be in the same room with him again as long as you live. Let your attorney handle it and only give your attorney the list of items that you give a shit about.
Start moving anything out that you can that is sentimental but has no monetary value ( kids stuff etc..). If he asks about little Johnny’s artwork then tell him you have no idea where it went….
Be sure and get baby pictures out. He sounds like the type to destroy them to get at you.
Take pictures of every room with a time/date stamp and make sure you have all the more expensive items in the picture and the condition they are in…..He sounds like the type to tear up the furniture to spite you too…
I hope he rots in hell with doc e and the rest of them!!
ZG-this is another one of those situations where you have to look at what they show you and completely ignore what they say. Yes his idea of how to divide property is ridiculous but the even greater issue is that he may continue to put you in these Mindf#$% situations by agreeing to the semblance of moving through the process of divorce without any intention of it. I’ve always said you can’t argue with idiots and you also can’t negotiate with BPD or whatever he has. You may have better luck getting what you need through a proxy (your lawyer).
Seriously, I hope he leaves. Nothing good comes from having to stay in that situation for a long time. If worse comes to worse your lawyer may be able to force him out.
It’s a crap situation.
Wow, Diane, what you said about “permission to be awful” really struck a chord. Thank you. And Teri, one of my friends referred to this as a bad Lifetime movie (wait, is that redundant, lol?) Anyway, Lifetime would have a field day with all of us, don’t you think??
I’m in the process of figuring out who gets what, too. He doesn’t know it because I want control over it. I made an Excel spreadsheet and listed furniture and misc. items by room with two columns to the right with my name and his. I’ll check off the items I want to keep and he can have the rest. If he doesn’t want the rest of it then we’ll have a garage sale or I’ll donate it. If he wants something I want, then we’ll talk about it. But I don’t think there is anything I want that he wants. We have two vehicles and typically mine is the Yukon and his is the pick-up. He needs the pick-up for work, so I assume nothing will change there except for taking each other’s names off the titles. Where I run into trouble is in the garage. He has a huge amount of tools. And a lot of them were bought long before he ever decedied to start a business of his own. Big money in those tools, so I have a feeling that I’ll lose my shorts on that one, he’ll lie about what they are worth and he’ll likely hide them at his friends shop so I won’t be able to inventory them. I have taken pictures of the garage in great detail, so if he’s removed any tools thus far, I’ll be able to figure out which ones. But I really don’t want anything that is “his”. He does not value anything, doesn’t take care of anything, leaves shit out in the weather to get ruined. He’s very sloppy, his bedroom and bathroom are so gross, now that I stopped cleaning them, that I won’t even go in there for more than a few minutes to get what I need and leave! He’s gross. So I’m not sure how all this will go over when we finally have the talk about splitting stuff up, but I’ll be ready! 🙂
Then there’s the financial stuff. He has business checking accounts, and we have other accounts together with two different banks. I’m gonna suggest that he keep his accounts with one bank and I’ll keep mine at the other bank that I’ve been with for years. I’m sure he’ll agree to that since my bank is downtown, right next to the fire dept. where he used to work, where they still have a restraining order against him!
I’m just waiting for my H to become the asshole that yours already is. He’s been that asshole on several occasions, but lately he’s been super nice and that’s always reason to be suspicious!
Much love, Claire
Claire, same here in that my h has a good amount of $$ in tools. And while I don’t want them and don’t want to be greedy, I want to feel like I got a fair split, even in the value of household stuff.
I’m a little more clear this morning…Diane- that “permission to be awful” is so dead on. I keep hearing how all the problems doc and e are having right now are because of “the process” meaning the divorce. Like it’s all going to go away once the divorce is final. But there is total double standard- guys are allowed to be jerks but I feel like I cannot say anything or I am “letting me emotions get the better of me” or if I demand that he actually communicate with me about changes in visitation, I am being “obsessive.” But him being a jerk, making false accusations and treating Bat badly is just “part of the process”. BTW, I am not the only one who thinks there has been a total double standard in my case. But I am sure it’s not just me.
Claire and ZG, you hang tough. You deserve more than a fair split. Fair is settling. Who cares if someone thinks you are greedy at this point? Do they know what you’ve been through? Let the pit bull attorney do his thing.
Julie, excellent advice from Bev. Take sentimental things you don’t want him to get his hands on out of the house (wait until after the deposition so you can’t be questioned about where things went). Keep them at a friend’s house or somewhere safe. And document everything with photos and/or video so you have a record of what’s in the house and it’s condition as of a specific date. Then let your lawyer handle the rest. You’re not married to a human being much less a civilized one so trying to work with him on anything just isn’t going to be an option for you.
Claire, in your case, probably the sooner you get stuff divided the better while he’s still in this “nice-nice” mode. Right now he needs you more than you need him with the probation investigation/sentencing hanging over his head. Take advantage of that and get a division hammered out and in writing.
Oh, and WHY should any of us worry for half a second about being fair? You’ve GOT to be kidding. I feel like reaching through cyberspace and konking some self-protective sense into you.
Yeah Jules, do you still have copies of Dickhead’s Sexcapades Tapes? You should ask him how much he’d want to bid on those. 😈
I agree March.
Your goal is to have what matters to you, ZG, get rid of what doesn’t (including him), and be compensated in an amount that is the maximum you can achieve.Here’s what happens when we try to be fair: they go for everything, because they’ve never been fair, while we begin at what’s fair and lose at least half of that.
This is war, ladies. Fight to win.
Thanks, ladies. I don’t have the actual copies of video that was on the computer. At the time I was so traumatized that I was more worried about getting them off for the kids’ sake. I think he has deleted them. I did, a few months ago, however, swap out the hard drive with a copy, and the original is being checked for any evidence. It can be a time consuming process that fails, especially when searching for deleted fragments, but the cost is minimal to me, so it was worth checking. Also, if he “thinks” i have it, it can be just as valuable. 🙂
I just remember when I packed all the household, alone, for “our” move when SJ went to Texas, and left it on a carport for the movers. That never happened, and the box of my children’s handmade Christmas ornaments, from the time they were toddlers, vanished. SJ claimed he had no idea where they went. Can you say “bargaining chip”? But he never got a chance to use it. Doesn’t make losing them any easier.
Get the stuff that matters most to you out of the house immediately. Especially important papers. And let the attorney’s handle the rest of the division. That idea of his about “buying stuff from eachother” just reeks entitlement and ABUSE. Controlling assets like a dictator is abuse.
Get your stuff out, to someone you trust where he can’t touch it. That’s what I should have done. I thought since he was in TX, five states away, I had time. He has contacts, though, who will do anything for him. Pity them.
OMG was this ever a trigger for me. While we were separated, my POS came to the house unannounced. Let himself in with his key. Let himself right into my bedroom while the door was shut without knocking. Iwas watching tv. He proceeded to get in my face and berate me. I can’t remember what it was about but I do know I was scared bc he had shoved me across the bathroom floor the year before …long story. Anyway, he finally left, but then came back 5 minutes later and did it again. I called my lawyer the next day and she suggested a motion for exclusive posession. This would keep him out of the home unless he had permission from me to be there. Fast forward…he took this motion to mean I did not want him to touch and/or take anything from the marital home. So his asshole lawyer tells him to wait until I am away for the weekend and then go into the home and take whatever he wants as long as HE thinks it is equal. And he does it! My lawyer gets mad at ME for not having someone at the scene take pictures. Good lord…all I was worried about at the time was my 23 yo son who was home and had to watch all of this. My father and brother in law went to the home and picked up my son. Then asshole lawyer and POS take all the power equipment from the property. He put it all in the basement of his business. Afterwards, He took the motion for exclusive posession and x’ed out the part about leaving me power equipment needed to maintain the property. Then signed it and sent it back to my lawyer. my lawyer does…nothing. Said he took “personal posessions”. What a joke. Now I have exclusive posession of the mortgage, insurance,taxes,and second mortgage. What a joke.
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