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I’m looking at the graphic that present the addict’s cycle, and I’m wondering whether the SA spouse/partner also has a cycle after d-day. Sometimes, as we follow each other’s stories, I think there is one. Some of the things that might be included: shock, weighing options, forgiveness, new boundaries, disappointment, grief, new options, failure, acceptance, loss, rebuilding/recovering/renewing
Hi Diane,
I think we most definately do. Carnes I think writes about it is one of his books, but everything he writes is so centered around the addict, i am not sure about what he writes for us. But I think it would be similar to any other devastating thing in life. I think it would be similar to the seven stages of greif. Because in reality we are mourning the relationship and the loss of someone dear. Even if we stay, that someone dear will forever be changed in our eyes.The seven levels:
Denial
Fear
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
Re-birth
Creating a new life
Snagged from this website, has a good write-up. http://www.diy-stress-relief.com/stages-of-grief.htmlAfter reading it, i very much think it is true. I think it isvery easy to get stuck in the fear phase. I think i was in that the better part of the last year (like a dear in the headlights). I think i may have started on acceptacne, and looking to start a new life. But who knows really!!
Diane, yes, we do go through stages but not really cycles. Cycles are repeating patterns (remember the podcast talks about that, repeating unhealthy behaviors over and over), like the cycles of abuse that I talked about in this article.
Is Sex Addiction Just Spousal Abuse In Disguise?
But I think what we go through, in addition to the trauma, is grief. We grieve for the lost relationship, the lost time, the lost love, the loss of innocence, our lost youth, money, security, friendship and sense of self. The unfortunate part of grieving over our losses when we are involved with a Sex Addict is that there is no real closure. When someone dies we eventually have to face that very sad fact. But, when we are involved with a Sex Addict there is no finality. They cling to us desperately, confusing us with empty promises, while trying to convince us that it was somehow at least partially our fault, and swear that they have changed.
All this does is interrupt our grieving process and makes us feel crazy all over again.
So, what’s the answer? If we stay with the addict we may never complete the grieving process. A period of separation helps, but not if there is constant contact. We must allow the fantasy to die. We must grieve our losses and move on with a renewed acceptance that what we thought was real never was.
Then, and only then, can we make a decision about our future, with or without the addict. When there are children involved we will always have some connection with their father even if we leave the relationship. But, after the grieving process is complete we can find healthy ways to deal with that situation.
Here are two articles I wrote about grieving. Sorry, I never completed the series, I only addressed the first two stages of grief. If you would like more info I can certainly complete the series here.
Thank you so much, JoAnn,
for these links and for your insightful comments about the grief. I find it very unnerving to be face to face with the grief as fresh as a daisy when I thought it was well behind me. Today my SA husband delivered the signed separation agreement. He was upset with sorrow and anger, which makes me upset and angry. Then I second guess myself, but I know in the fibre of my being that I have to remove the burden of the false marriage from my life. I have to get free.I’m going to reread those links now. Love to you and all my sisters.
Diane.Diane, you offer so much comfort and wisdom to others. I will pray for wisdom an clarity for you during this difficult and painful transition. When we marry it is so difficult to imagine this scenario. Not to project some unwanted ambivalence into your situation, one comforting thought a friend offered me at the beginning of my journey was that I should move on realizing that divorce decrees are not written in stone any more than marriage decrees are. Our futures are wide open and our eyes are now too.
Hi Diane,
I found that the seperation was one and then recently over the past couple weeks was another when I realized I definatly do not want to be married anymore to him. This brought about the emotions all over again. Evertytime I see him it brings back the ohh feelings; but then he says something or does soemthing that reminds me…he is not good for me. the pity cards gets played often.
But I think we just need to remember why we are here, or why you are at this point. It is because you want more and you and everyone else here deserves love and to be resptected. With our SA husbands that is very unkiekly if ever will be the case or a true reality. We need to follow our path, and be happy with what we got. If what we want in our life is a sex addict husband who may never change…then yes you have every right to stay. If what you want is a normal healthy relationship then you have to do as you have done, and have already planned to do.
JoAnn,
What you said makes so much sense. I think the phase we get stuck in with staying is bargaining, and we never really see the reality, when we are trying to fight to keep things the way they are. It is really never excpeted. And like you said there is never a death or a finality, so we continue to on occassion doubt our thoughts and our choices. It is all so very hard because so many people and kids are involved.Thanks everyone,
I do need the “end” of it. And when he gets upset and angry and sorrowful, my frustration is that he still doesn’t actually understand how abusive the relationship has been to me. And I get distracted for a moment by his real efforts to get better, his practical help given (as he puts it) because he owes this to me, and his co-operation in the decisions made thus far that I wanted. But the relationship as husband and wife started wrong, proceeded in lies, and well, here we are.
I guess I have let go of everything though, that one last bit of letting go of the whole myth of our love and our marriage. Then it’s me who forget for a moment how emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and sexually abusive the relationship was.
Thanks for being there when I lose my way.
love to all,
D.Hi Diane and Flora – I got a call flash acrross my TV screen yesterday from Steve – It came from his cell phone. I called him back thinking it might have something to do with signing papers. He told me he was riding in the car, and apparently a button was pushed on his phone by mistake, and it called me. More than coincidence, I would think. Anyway, later, he told me he called because I have to sign some income tax papers since were are filing jointly this year. Two different stories. I will have him drop them off andn pick them up after I sign. I will put it in the screen door and not see him.
Anyway, we had a long talk, and he made the remark he doesn’t understand why God brought us together to have me suffer so much pain. I told him maybe it was because he would never have faced his addiction if he hadn’t met me and I was on to him. Also, told him I have to accept part of the responsibility for staying in so long. He went on to tell me he is having a very difficult time – lost ten pounds, and is only sleeping 4 hrs. a night. I told him it is difficult on both of us, but something that has to be done because I never saw a change in him. He agreed with that and said he is going to get better, and if a year or two down the road he can achieve his goal he would like to come back to me. The guy is still in denial, but I didn’t let him think anything different, because he is having such a difficult time.
I found my emotions didn’t plummet, and talking to him just re-enforced how sick he is. Am still meeting with the attorney on Wednesday to sign the papers.
Then, my date of Saturday night called to tell me he ran into his old girlfriend, with whom he was very serious, and he spent the day lieing on the couch in a mess of a state. Sounds like he is really on the re-bound, so won’t go out with him again – would just be more drama.
Anyway, that was my week-end.
We all go through the phases, as JoAnn expressed, and some take longer than others. But, like me, you will get there. It gets easier as time goes by. Diane – I understand where you are coming from. It is difficult when they are really trying to get better, but in reality what I said to Lori is so true – everytime we have a soft moment, we just have to play the old tapes of what it was like living with them, and that helps us come to resolution.
Hugs to you both.Hi Sharron,
And sometimes god brings us together to show us a lesson. That we have value and should be valued. That we learn that lesson ofr ourselvves to never expect less. It does not necesaarily mean we are to stay together, it just was a challenge for us to grow. I have really learned so much from this, i never knew. And sometimes when we replay the tapes of the past, it is to finish the business so we can then cope, not repeat, and move on. They have a chance to be just as succesful as we are, but a much longer and uphill battle. You are well on your way and have taken i think the biggest and hardest step, which is to make ourselves priority number one. Not only just to say it but do it and live it.And as far as getting back together, who knows time will tell. Two years+/- is a long time. But whatever happens happens. Same for me and Diane. Someone posted that the the divorce is just as binding as the marriage certificate. We can always go back if that is truely what we are to do. But I think as more time passes, and we move farther and farther away from the trauma and event; our views may very well change.
Sharron,
…and if a year or two down the road he can achieve his goal he would like to come back to me.The guy is still in denial, but I didn’t let him think anything different, because he is having such a difficult time.
You are much too educated and experienced to think that this was a good thing. This is enabling. You are allowing him to hang on to that hope that you say is no longer there. I see that as quite cruel. If it’s over, then it’s over, and you should tell him that and let him move on.
Just trying to keep you in reality. We all fall into that ‘nice’ trap, not wanting to hurt them. But, in the end we wind up hurting them even more and, worst of all, hurting ourselves.
Don’t string it out. A clean break is always better than dangling hope in front of him because you don’t want to say those harsh words that you know will hurt him.
Tell him it’s over and that you wish him well, but you don’t want to see him in two months or two years.
You need to make that clean break more for you than for him, but it is necessary for both of you.
Advice given with love,
JoAnn
JoAnn – Thanks for the reply. You are probably right, but I was thinking in terms that Steve is well aware of how long it will take him to recover – maybe never, so I just agreed with him to soften the blow. He has even made the comment he may never be able to change. and he knows if he doesn’t I would never consider going back to him. I was very explicit with him in saying it will take a minimum of 5 yrs. for him, and maybe a lifetime. He has also heard that on Recovery Nation. I also told him yesterday he is still in denial.
Was it really cruel? Maybe, but he has so much therapy ahead of him I am not too concerned he will be contacting me in the next few years. Besides, I also told him his therapist would have to give me a 100% guarantee he has recovered from his addiction before I would ever go back, and he said, yesterday, he agreed with that. I told him that purposely because I know that is not going to happen.
So, did I give him false hope? Maybe short term, but he is very well aware a reconcilliation will probably never be a possibility for us. I just think, as you said, he is in denial right now, and and I told him so yesterday. Knowing him as well as I do, it will just take him a while to come to terms with it.
He validated his therapist gave him a diagnosis of Schizoid Personality disorder, and we all know they are very dependent go from one relationship to another – I know him better than anyone, so don’t think he is going pine away for me for 5 yrs.? Did I say the wrong thing, and did I know better – ya, Guilty as charged.
It takes a long time for Steve to come to terms with things, so I just didn’t want to hurt him anymore than he is hurting right now. If he wants to think we might get together years down the road, let him hold onto that right now-he is grieving, and he will have to work through it. I know his therapist personally, and I am sure she is working with him on weaning away. So what, if he hangs onto that that false sense of security right now.
Anyway, I said it, and hopefully made the right decision taking everything into consideration. If I didn’t, I will have to live with it.
Thank you so much for your advice – I know you have my best interests at heart. Love to you.HI again,
My goodness it’s hard to let go. It’s just so hard. And I don’t even want him. I want the idea of him that wasn’t real. I want the myth of a shared life that wasn’t real.I actually think that when the divorce is done and I have no utilitarian value any more, he will not be wanting me back. Then I will just appear to him as I feel— a horse rode hard and put away wet. So maybe that’s the final loss I’m wrestling with, the idea that someone out there still wants me. Good God I sound so tragic, and I know I’m not. I have a life. I have good people in it. I have work that’s meaningful and lots of ideas I would like to see through. But 30 years is just a lot of time in one lifetime to set aside as “done, but with much pain”.
I hope I pull myself out of this funk in time to keep my supper plans with the man that invited me out. I only said yes to him becuase I’ve been trying to do the opposite thing to what I would usually do. I do like him, but I normally I would have just declined because I’m tragic. So let that be a lesson to my sisters—if I can say yes, you can too.
love,
D.Hi Diane, you are not tragic. You are just having a bad day. Satuday i did not do much of anything either. And if I had had dinner plans i would have had to drag myself there. But you will pull it together to go out. And once you are out you will have a great time and you will be distracted from all of this.
Dear All:
Joann would love your fb on something. I was reading (wish I could remember where), that as partners of addicts, if we are continually being manipulated by the addict, false recovery promises, etc, and the addiction is continuing in the relationship, our “niceness” or “cooperation” or naivity, actually interferes with the addict’s recovery. They could be getting well sooner with out us. My understanding is that we can actually exacurbae their recovery be softening the consequences from their addictive behavior. Bottom is different for all, but if we are the pillows and buffer their poor immature feelings all the time, they will never reach the maturity and responsibliy they need to stay clean and sober. By them being forced to lose something of value, perhaps, they take “stock” of their sad selves and commit to change. I found that intersting. What do you think?
To personalize, I think if I pulled the plug right after my SA returned from Brazil, he would right now be in either foreclosure, a 30 day rehab (which he needs for substance as well) or have been convicted of a DUI. He needs all of the above to happen. He has moments of sincere sorrow, and makes efforts to change, (some progress has been made) but the compartmentalizing of it all, allows him to return to his addiction so quickly. It never permeates the system as a whole. thanks
Hi Pam,
I’m not sure where you read the information you are referring to, but I did have an article on the married site about how nurturing always has a negative effect on the SA’s recovery, here is a link to it:
http://marriedtoasexaddict.com/nurturing-a-sex-addict-has-negative-results/
I think it all comes down to consequences and boundaries. We need healthy boundaries for what we will or will not accept in our lives. Without those boundaries we cannot complain–we only get what we expect.
And, if we do not enforce realistic and consistent consequences for bad behaviors from the SA, we are sending the message that whatever they do is okay–kind of like the all loving ‘mother figure’ that all Sex Addicts are looking for.
If there are no consequences from us then the addict thinks he has every right to go out and do it all again because–well, nothing bad happened before. You are in essence giving them permission to act out. This is enabling.
We do not set boundaries or consequences to help them, we do because it is a healthy thing for us to do for ourselves. Consequences and boundaries show that we care about ourselves and what comes into our lives.
I hope this answers your question. It’s a difficult concept to understand because we are caring, loving and forgiving women. But, if we care about ourselves as much as we care about others we will not allow abuse into our lives.
JoAnn – You are so right about sticking to boundaries. Remember how many times I said lieing would be the deal breaker – only to separate from Steve x2 and reconcile. He never got the message I was serious about leaving. This last time, my boundaries included things I would have to have in order to prove if he was lieing or telling the truth. I sure got my answer, and I don’t think Steve ever in his mind thought I would end it – let alone file for divorce.
So, it is so important to enforce those boundaries with consequences, as you said, or they think they can go on forever with they’re lieing, manipulative and deceptive behavior.
Steve never really got it until I said I was divorcing – probably part of the reason he is taking it so hard.
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