Does anyone out ther have a SAH who filed for divorce?

My xh filed on me when I confronted him 5 mo into ‘recovery’. His sponser called during his meeting asking where he’s been not at the last 3 meetings. H came home and I said ” how was the meeting?”. He said Ohhh nap these guys are so messed up one guy masturbates til he’s raw!!! I say oh really, you weren’t at your meeting. He said I was too I said your sponcer called and said you were not at the last three meetings. He says “I was out having sex with people”. The next day he changed the locks on me while I was out and put my few belongings (had recently lost everything to our home burning down) and I lived in a cheap hotel for 5 mo. I also found a profile on sugardaddyforme where he was looking for an 18 yo. He was 51 at the time. I knew too much obviously.

This is embarrassing to admit, but I know my ex filed on his first wife while they were still in marriage counseling, AND he was dating me. He told me she had moved to the other side of the country, abandoning him and their children, almost two years prior. Actually, she had rented an apartment in town just two months before we met, at their marriage counselors recommendation so she could work on her boundaries (what he says, I have NO IDEA what really happened, looking back, she probably caught him booking whores) and they were going to counseling every week supposedly working on the marriage.

In that situation, I was, sadly, the girl in the wings. I was clueless.

Among the things I’ve found since, in all the mess or the moving and divorce, was an email where she told him she was ready to accept their relationship and move back home. It was dated just a couple weeks before our wedding. She didn’t even know we were engaged. She didn’t know we’d married ’til my name came up as having helped with her daughter’s wedding plans.

Ouch.

I had to file for divorce from him, though, and I couldn’t get it done quickly enough. Being linked to him as he buried himself in his addiction has been a crazy financial avalanche and I had to get free. As it is, I am probably jointly liable for 8K of taxes he didn’t pay, because of a retirement fund he cashed out that I didn’t know even existed during our only 11 months of marriage before I discovered what he was.

dr e was ready to file first, and I begged him to let me file. I did not want to get served in front of Bat, and he is with me all the time. But that’s not what swayed dr e. I told him some friends of ours said it was the least he could do to try to be decent. He was worried about what “other people” would say, not about me or Bat.

Wormtongue has not filed. He tried to trick me into drawing up a $30 “agreement” without lawyers, which even through the trauma I recognized as a con artist maneuver and refused. He still hasn’t filed, probably b/c he knows he’ll be on the losing end financially and he’s afraid I’ll bring up the whores and bimbo temp in court.

The ex and I have had a few brief conversations. She always says I’m smarter than her because I figured him out so fast. Not smart enough, I say, I married him.

the book is out now: http://www.amazon.com/A-D-After-Discovery-Life-Addict/dp/1494304945

Wait, did you mean NAP’s book? Yeah, NAP, we need a series of S.O.S. books!!

Mine filed. I am sure he had been plannning his exit for a few years anyway, when our kid turned 18. I am sure he justified his whoring around by thinking “I’m checking out in a few years anyway so it’s not like I’m really married or committed anyway” or whatever. I had found condoms in his workbag and he had admitted to screwing around. I’m glad he filed. Saved me five hundred bucks and several hours traipsing back and forth to the courthouse.

Mine planned it, although he didn’t file. He timed it two months before I submitted the final documents for a big promotion. Probably hoped I’d collapse and wouldn’t get it. He later said in MC that he was waiting all these years until
I got a “secure job” to leave me, and poor old him just had to prop me up until then.

Yep, he said in MC (and had told me before) that I destroyed our marriage 15 years ago with the plan b, and we technically had no marriage since then. The shrink asked him very very politely “well then why, R, did you wait fifteen years to leave?” he said “I felt sorry for her, I stayed with her out of pity, she was struggling to find a job and I was waiting for her to get a secure one before I left. It would have been unethical for me to do it beforehand.” The shrink sat there and said nothing. I think she was totally unprepared for him. Again, it was all LIES. I had had “secure jobs” for ~12 years before this, and he staged his big dramatic upheaval exit right BEFORE I had to submit all the documentation for the major promotion. I pointed this out, he just said when he saw the drafts of my dossier he knew I would get the promotion and he knew he could finally be free to leave. What can you even say to that?

He also lied through his teeth about the plan b. He went around telling people, including shrinks, that I had “had an abortion against his will” while he “begged and cried” and that I was a baby killer. When he first told me this last year it almost killed me. It was a very hard time 15 years ago, I agonized over it and we both decided it wasnt the right time to have a child. He was actually quite cavalier, he said fine, we don’t have to go through with it (the pregnancy) if you don’t want to. He went with me to the doctors appointments and drove me to the clinics. He signed the paperwork along with me. Now he’s rewritten everything and telling people I’m a baby killer. In MC the shrink asked him, what do you want Arleigh to do after all this time? He said: “I want her to know inside that she did a bad thing, she made a big mistake and she’s 100% responsible.” I just looked at him and said you want me to suffer over this…what does that solve? He said, “I never said I wanted you to suffer over this. You misunderstand everything, that’s why I left.”

I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t be reliving all this stuff. It’s not healthy and it just brings me down. Maybe PTSD. Also he’s done a very good job making me feel like a dirtbag and although I KNOW HE’S LYING it still hurts like hell to be called a baby killer.

Nap – I sure don’t want him back the way he is, and it doesn’t look like that will change. Something very funny with his mother, too…she had 3 “plan b” and all were late term. She died earlier this year and the craziness increased exponentially after that.