Does SOS support marriage?

Lovely post Cindy! Thank you. I agree with everything you said. Staying or leaving, this is the only place I have where I can share my experiences with people who have had the similiar experiences. I learn something here every day. Does everything apply to my situation? No. But I would be lost without my sisters to help guide me.

I don’t think that anyone here is anti marriage. I don’t believe any woman on this site, after first discovery, simply threw up her hands and walked away from her relationship and morphed into an anti marriage,
man hater. I think, and please anyone correct me if I am mistaken, that the woman here pulled out all stops to work with their partners. I would guess that every book ever written on this subject has been read by at least one woman on this site. Every therapy alternative, intensive program, support group has probably been investigated ad nauseam by the sisters here. There is knowledge here, either from first hand experience or by the devouring of any thing ever written on the topic.
Sometimes the posts here do have an edge. But when you see someone walking into the same minefield again and again and you have a pretty good idea where the mines are you just want to warn them. And sometimes a shout is necessary to get someone’s attention.

I am a new member and wanted to weigh in on this. I have been an alternating paralyzed and hysterical mess for the last couple of months and in the 2 weeks I’ve been reading here, sometimes knowing that i am going to log on is the only thing that gets me out of bed. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve laughed out loud through my tears. I’ve been reading old posts and new, and I love every one of you for the authentic, real, and honest women that you are, whatever you are saying. I have searched for posts about women who were doing well and happy in their marriages, figuring that we come here wounded and uncertain, and choose different paths, but some of the women here are working on true marriages, the things Diane talked about recently, with their SA’s and perhaps the relationship has evolved over the course of their time on SOS and I can find those posts. I haven’t found any of those yet, but as JoAnne points out, the odds are dismal and I see that SOS is a fairly young site, a year and a half or so. It seems obvious to me that the women here are supportive of a sister who is working on her self and her issues. The women here seem very supportive of a marriage in which the SA is in true recovery.An it is unikely, as already pointed out, that a woman who has gotten to the other side and is happy with her recovering SA and marriage would find the site and start posting. So, eventually, there should be one or two women here who stay with SOS and share their successes and their real marriage and intimacy stories as they evolve, based on the 5% number that keeps popping up. Maybe they wouldn’t read every day, but would pop in every now and then to tell us what life on that side looks like. I believe that the women on here would support that marriage, but I do wonder if there would be some underpinnings of “she’s in denial, or she’s settling for less or she’s not really happy”. Then I read more posts and I think, Hell no! Recovering from this horrible mess means that each woman gets to decide for herself what makes her happy and when she is happy, and I believe every one here would celebrate that with her. let’s see one of those marriages and then answer this question. I think for me it’s hard to support a marriage that isn’t a marriage. I realized two months ago that my 17 year marriage…wasn’t. I’d be disappointed if anyone supported that.
Thanks again for the courage to be yourselves everyday and share that with us. Sorry this is so long, my head isn’t working right, it takes me at least twice as long to say anything.

Marriage takes two people who love and cherish each other and only want the best for the other. I got short changed in this deal so I would admit I do get a little upset now and then, kinda fleeting moments where I’d like to ram into his ‘brand new’ car or cut off his nipples he loves to rub so much when he’s masturbating. Yeah, just little thoughts of tieing him to a chair and screaming at him for about 4 hours what I really think of him just after I cut his junk off. Other than that, I think marriage is a beautiful thing, just not mine but I’m okay, I’m over it……..

I have said some of the meanest man-hating, SA-bashing shit on this site. But anyone following my story knows how hard I’ve worked/fought to keep my family under one roof…Discovery was 4 years ago…he stopped going to meetings about 18 months post-D…After seeing a lack of progress in the development of empathy, the ability to communicate, and the capacity to control his rage (despite his “sobriety”), I eventually gave him an ultimatum to get back into meetings and therapy, or I’d divorce him…I filed for divorce and he started back into recovery…I went through with the divorce, which shocked him into promising he’d make things right…at which point I let him stay in the house and we continued to be a couple…When he STILL did not make sufficient progress or provide me with the things I needed to feel safe (as safe as possible with an SA) and be MARRIED to him–not shacking up, I finally kicked him out…At which point he relapsed.

And now…now…he’s living a couple of miles away and as contrite as a person can be. Today, he’s seeing yet ANOTHER therapist, one who specializes in attachment issues. He is willing to sign ANYTHING re a pre-nup, and desperately wants what he wants, which is NOT to meet members of the Yahoo strap-on group he joined, but to have his family intact. I know in my heart that it’s true, that he doesn’t want to be that monster.

I’ve seen–along with all the horrible things he’s done and is still capable of doing–the incredibly damaged, suffering soul that was the child abandoned at birth, who lived in a foster home for the first three months, who was raised by a narcissistic/borderline nut job who never allowed him to HAVE any feelings that did not serve her. I have been PUNISHED by him for 13 years for the sins of his birth mother and his adopted mother. I have endured nothing short of torture at his hands. But I have also loved him and been loved by him (as he was able), and I have watched him grow, ever-so-slowly, from being someone who denied his pain to someone who searched for and found his birth mother, to someone who has owned his problem and his pain and is trying to take responsibility for fixing it. I do NOT know how this story will end, but I know I’ll be fine. Because, I have disconnected my “okay-ness” from him. I have claimed my autonomy, my responsibility for myself and my own happiness. I have FINALLY stopped “going to the hardware store to buy bread.”

He is a sick, sick man. I cannot fix him. But I’m rooting for his better self, and I am by-god his greatest cheerleader. If he can one day live with me and not cross my boundaries, there may be hope yet (perhaps it’s malignant), but I’m clear on my boundaries and know that I can love him and cheer for him from afar if I have to. Until I know, I’m going to enjoy having my own home, doing what I want when I want, making unilateral decisions, and being ME.

All that said, I do NOT feel this site is anti-marriage. Or even anti-sex-addicted-man. I feel it is anti-abuse, whether that is self-inflicted or otherwise. A lot of what we see on here are examples of women taking it up the ass. Not establishing and abiding by our OWN boundaries. Accepting the role of victim. It is hard to watch. I know it has been hard for some of you to watch as I have waffled and suffered. I’m GLAD you have said so, and I’m fully prepared to hear your truths now and forever. I DO NOT expect you to hear someone say, “He won’t give me his passwords”….or “I don’t have access to his”…or “He stopped off at a strip club”…and watch as you tell her it’s ok. It’s NOT OK. It’s not ok to live with their shit. We have to take the reins of our lives.

BUT, the shock of it all…the unbelievable trauma…it’s so hard to recover from. I truly believe it has taken me these four years to stop spinning, to regain my footing. So we MUST be patient and kind with each other, even as we’re warning and truth-telling. And when we make it out to the other side, whether it is WITH or WITHOUT our SA’s–and find happiness again, yes, we need to check in here occasionally, to let others know the possibilities.

Much love.

I really don’t see SOS as taking a stand either pro or con on marriage. I see SOS as being pro partner. Whatever it takes to support and inform partners, that’s SOS. The marriage is actually secondary and only one factor in the partner’s healing and moving on.

What SOS offers, in my experience, is a place where partners can do some processing of those deciding factors out loud when they have been so traumatized that decision making is naturally a scary prospect. It’s a tough, tough choice. But I have been both on here, pro and con my own marriage, and always felt it was 100% my choice.

That was so perfect March. I am crying too.

🙂

I love you, March.

I never thought about this place being pro or con either. I looked at it as a trauma center where I could safely come to share and learn. I have benefitted so much from the truth telling (calling a spade) and the loving support spread around to those who those who needed it when the bottom falls out.

It truly is women helping women and a sisterhood of support.

I have been in a support group before. When my 4 year old son died after years of medical problems and illness, his sweet soul moved on and 15 years later I am here with out him. I have been through worse than this. What irks me about the whole situation is that I did not have a choice in my son’s situation. And I do have a choice to be with my husband. So for me to “choose” to stay with my husband for our kids and the hope that we will someday have a solid marriage is something I have to put my trust into. How do I trust someone who has been so unfaithful for the last five years? I am still trying to answer this question. I have mentioned that we are in an intensive out-patient program. The program lasts for another 7 weeks or so. Then we can expect years of therapy ahead of us. It is daunting.

I like what Debora said about the trauma center. I used to work at a trauma center and the people I saw were so physically broken. I am emotionally broken and trying to repair myself and stay strong for my two beautiful children.

This site has shown me that whether I stay or I go, I will be fine. My kids will still be amazing no matter what. And maybe, somehow, hopefully, my marriage will stay intact.

Stephanie, I’m new to knowing too. I think you will be asking the question about trust for a very long time. With me, I think I will either be struggling with trust or be in denial.

March, thank you for your story -truly appreciated.

This whole thread is absolutely beautiful….I love you all.