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Today is my mothers birthday. No triggers, no emotions just another day for me. A friend suggested, because we should strive for peace with all people, I said even my mother how??? They said I could send her a card saying “sorry you don’t like me, Happy Birthday!”. I really tried to grasp the concept of it however it didnt feel right and I sent her no card as I have for the last two years. What are your thoughts on this?
Nothing about your mother makes sense. You will not be able to get it right no matter what you do. She is an abuser.
YOu know perfectly that if your mother ever stopped being an abusive person, you would work towards a new relationship in some form. You are ready for peace. She is not. “They also serve who stand and wait”.
Ahhhh, Nap. The complicated question of whether or not we should make peace with shitty people in our life because we’re related to them? There’s certainly a lot of social pressure to do so. From what I’ve seen about your mom I am sorry. You deserve sooo much better. No contact is still the best thing. The only way I would say to ever send the card is if it truly served you in some way. Would it be beneficial for you? No? Then eff that! We appreciate you here!
Here also is a little excerpt from Out of the FOG. Basically they’re saying that when dealing with crazy people it may not be socially popular to cut them out of your life but not only is it justified, it’s necessary to protect yourself.
Examples of Situational Ethics Applied by Non-Personality-Disordered Individuals:
Situational Ethics can also play an important role in a non-personality-disordered individual’s responses to typical personality-disordered behaviors and the crises which result. In order to protect themselves and prevent further abuse, injury or damage, Non-PD’s sometimes have to break cultural protocols or social taboos.
•Going “No-Contact” with a parent – to avoid emotional or verbal abuse.
• Forcing a person against their will – into a mental care facility to get treatment.
•Divorcing a spouse – to escape abuse.
•Removing a parent’s custody rights or access – in order to protect children.
•Avoiding family gatherings – out of fear that a family member will repeat past bad behavior.These kinds of actions can sometimes lead other bystanders to misunderstand the motivations of the Non-PD. For example, it is not uncommon for distant family members to scold adult children for going “No-Contact” with an abusive parent, or for religious friends to look down on a Non-PD who divorces their spouse.
Dearest Nap, no. You have had so much pain from her there is absolutely no reason to set yourself up for more. In my view, she truly is not your mother, merely your egg donor. She does not exhibit any of the normal behavior of a mother. Your friend is wrong and Teri and the other Sisters are correct. No contact = peace. There will be no other kind of peace from her, anymore than there will be peace with the egregiously depraved SAs we know. We all know that. I will forgive your friend because she doesn’t understand this dynamic they way we do.
Love & Hugs Dear Nap,
DaisyLove you, NAP. Maybe your friend was supporting you in the best way she knew how. I agree with the sisters, though. With these abusers, no contact = peace.
Katf: I love that quote that “in order to protect themselves,…Non-PDs have to sometimes break cultural protocols or social taboos.” I wish that was part of every partner’s first session, because those very things were so helpful in keeping me entrapped with the children’s father for far too long. When I found out about SJ, I did not concern myself as much about those things. I just swallowed the hard truth that he already broke our vows, his (and my) stated moral code, and tons of ethics. I was just doing damage control, no matter who knew it I was not going to make it pretty for anyone. It stunk, and he stunk, and I didn’t have time, or the will for that matter, to make it socially acceptable.
Nappy, the only thing your “mother” ever did right was bring you – our precious NAP – into the world. So to celebrate her contribution, eat some delicious cake (is there any other kind?) vacuum to your heart’s content and then dial up George for a booty call.
Thanks sisters and mommy Trish. I’m very ok with my decision to remain no contact because I would be setting myself up for more abuse from her and I’ve already have had enough, especially thinking of her last letter. This woman doesn’t want a daughter she wants a scapegoat for all the things she hates about herself. Well, this scapegoat has retired….
Kat I like the information you share about dealing with the kind of people. It was reassuring to me that we have to let some people go and although others may not understand I sure as he’ll know why. Sad but true.
Thanks again all,
Love you, NapClaire and Liza,
Yes! NAP: maybe I will send your mom a thank you note for bringing you into my life and to all of our lives. xoxono contact is the best strategy with narcissists. it doesn’t mean that you don’t have any feelings for her. you just know that you are better off distancing yourself from toxic people. maybe send a card or an email to a person in your life that is loving and kind to you. someone who DESERVES a card from you! maybe make that a tradition when you are tempted to reach out to your mom. reach out to someone else instead!
I “excused” my parents from my life because it was not a healthy relationship for ME, over 20 years ago. I have not been sorry one damn day. My child abusing father is dying of cancer, I don’t care. It’s his karma. My life has been the better for it. It’s not easy, there is grief to go through, but it passed.
Dear Nap, I think if your mother ever reached out to you in some heart felt way, you could consider re-establishing contact with VERY firm boundaries in place while you see what she wants. But while she remains completely nasty and unhelpful in every way….she simply makes your life more difficult? It must be very odd to have a Mother who is a narc….though a few here seem to be able to relate. Just the same, she hurts you and you have been hurt enough already, as you probably married your mother.
Hugs KarenDearest Nap,
I want to say I am sorry for any pain you have of the deep disappointment and loss you have suffered from your own mother’s sickness. Maybe in your heart you could send her a letter to the woman you wish she was and could be and a birthday greeting. No matter how damaging, abusive or sick your mom is she did bring you into the World and that is a pretty awesome thing! You have every right to protect yourself and by doing so you are helping her.
You seem like a very kind and sensitive person.
Thinking of you and cheering you on from afar- Your doing the right thing!Hugs,
AliceOh and I thought Lisa had a cool idea too. I guess only you know though what it is you need to do. Maybe on her birthday you could reflect on gratitude for your life 🙂
Thanks sisters,
I was fortunate to have a wonderful father who loved life. I really believe he saved me and I think I’m so much like him and am grateful. I think I did marry my mother by marrying my xh. I do appreciate my life and respect all people so I do struggle at times about my mother. I just don’t want to put my hand in the toaster again and again. It burns and I do feel better having no contact with her because I have MANY reasons not to trust her. I’ve read where a Narc mom gets worse as they age and I believe it. She’s ruthless….
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