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My therapist used to say this to me all the time: “Don’t deny what you know”.
What does this mean to you?
I guess I will start. I used to (and still do) talk to my therapist and tell her something that would be totally unacceptable in my relationship and just kind of “smooze” over it. I think these unacceptable behaviors were happening so often they became a way of life for me. She got me thinking that these behaviors would not be tolerated at work, out in public, at someone else’s home. Why would I tolerate them??????? (she’s good) Any thoughts????
NAP, I read this question yesterday, and it struck such a chord with me that I couldn’t even answer right away. I really had to let it sit with me. I think for me, I find this question really difficult because it brings up enormous feelings of guilt. After my first d-day in June 2009, I thought my husband was getting better. I was so ignorant about SA. I have come to realize over the past couple of months (since d-day 2) that I ALLOWED myself to stay ignorant because I was so terrified of the implications of this addiction. It was like I lifted the corner of a box, peeked in, and slammed the lid shut out of fear. I bought books that I never read, I became physically intimate with my SA fairly quickly (in an attempt to “reclaim” my territory, as I think JoAnn put it). In essence, I did so much that was wrong out of my own fear and ignorance. And when I caught SA looking at porn a couple times over the past few years, he said he wouldn’t do it again. I believed him, and thereby let MYSELF believe that it was not a big deal. So I am struggling with this and trying to figure it all out: the idea that while his lack of recovery is not my fault, I do have to take blame for letting myself continue to live in the dark. Hindsight is 20/20, and I’m not sure if I would have done anything differently–that’s the place I was at 2 years ago. But it is certainly a lesson for the present and the future. Thanks for the post, NAP! (and ps, your therapist sounds right on the ball! You are lucky!) xoxo, ZG
For me, it has meant accepting terrible truths about the person I adored–truths about how little I mean to him, how cruel he actually is, how sick he is, how incapable of loving me he is, how unsafe I am when he is around. The acceptance has ripped my soul out and now I’m stuffing it back in as best I can. And what I know now about my life is that the most important part of it is knowing how to love yourself.
Hi ZG and Diane,
You are right, once we are aware and not in denial, we are left with the raw truth. This raw truth is the harsh reality of what we have accepted and may still be accepting in our relationship. Only, when we act accordingly, in a healthy way to this hard raw truth, can we begin to heal and move forward with our lives. My XH sounds much like yours Diane, very cruel, sick. selfish…mines love for me was a sick love. A sick love I don’t want anymore and hope never to experience again. It is so healthy to not deny what we know, however, it is a harsh truth.Hi All —
To not deny what we know…for me is listening to that internal monitor– you know the one, and believing it, no matter how ugly. Like many of you, I long before D day suspected his activity–almost kind of new–but questioned it. Yet, somehow wanted to beleive it was not true — nah he wouldn’t do that sort of thing- he would not do that to me or us. But yet he was.
When he disclosed to me last year, I was shocked and devastated, traumatized, all of that. Yet it confirmed what my gut was saying all along—but I had no idea the extent of it. no idea. But like others, I learned to accept so much of the unacceptable as the norm. When it was / is so over the top–this I regret deeply for myself- I did not take care of myself- I should have. But hindsight is 20/20, sometimes as young brides we overlook a lot. I certainly did. Yet, I long to be that trusting innocent bride again—I feel I have had it all taken away to such a jaded place, that is not my place to be at all, it is his. relate?
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