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Most of you know the situation I am in. My “thing” dug me into a financial disaster that I cannot get out of. I have been in poor health. And I have a 2 year old little girl who depends on me. I can’t afford to pay for separation papers, let alone a divorce. I have no place to move to with my little one {parents live in a small house and are nearing 80, sister lives with an alcoholic abusive husband, etc, cannot afford to get my own place right now, “thing” can’t afford to get his own place and still pay for this one, and his parents are in denial, etc etc etc}. I am SO FUCKING TRAPPED AND I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE I CAN TAKE! I feel as if I am on the verge on a nervous breakdown. Living in this tiny house with him and his DISGUSTING PRESENCE makes me physically ILL. He’s a liar, a pervert, a mound of flesh that doesn’t have one molecule of human in him. He houses cold, blank, empty eyes, and has no soul. The things he has done to me are fucking DISGUSTING and unforgivable. He is a horrible person, an atrocious husband, and a dead beat dad. He is a selfish, self centered creature who continually does the wrong thing and doesn’t even REALIZE he’s doing the wrong thing. He’s maddening with his insane babbling when and if he actually speaks. He doesn’t know the difference between right or wrong, good and bad. He can barely function in the real world and in society. I HATE myself for having been fool enough to ever involve myself with the likes of him. I feel horribly GUILTY that my beautiful daughter who defied the odds and struggled so hard to live has to have THIS PIECE OF FILTHY NASTY SHIT as her father. I feel guilty that on my son’s grave HIS LAST NAME IS ETCHED IN THE STONE that MY PARENTS PAID FOR SINCE HE WAS TOO BUSY SPENDING MONEY ON HOOKERS TO BE BOTHERED GIVING HIS SON A PROPER BURIAL. Every day my stomach CHURNS looking at him. I detest every.single.thing about him. There is nothing like I like; nothing that I admire; nothing that I respect. His family is just as BAD AS HE IS. Constant enabling and denial. I AM SO SICK OF THE ENTIRE THING YET CAN’T FIND A WAY OUT!!! I do not want to resort to a shelter. I do NOT WANT MY POOR LITTLE GIRL TO HAVE TO ENDURE ANYMORE INSANITY IN HER LIFE. She has been through so much.
I am sorry for being such a bummer but I’m at the end of my fucking rope. Having to bottle up all my disgust towards this person every day of my life is slowly killing me. It’s not as if I have a separate area of the house to flee to when he’s home..this place is barely big enough for the 3 of us. Thankfully he sleeps on the couch in the living room, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have to see him on his days off ALL DAY LONG. I hate hearing my daughter call him DADDY.
This past weekend was our “wedding anniversary”. To me, it marks 5 years since the death of who I was. This sick fucking nutjob thought it would be a thing to celebrate and took off work to hang out with me. Even though I told him there’s nothing to celebrate, it marks one of the WORST DAYS OF MY LIFE, the only one being worse was when I watched my son pass away in my arms. I said I would rather celebrate the anniversary of getting meningitis and encephalitis and that near death experience is a BETTER MEMORY THAN THE DAY I GAVE MY SOUL AND LIFE TO THE FUCKING DEVIL. I had the most atrocious weekend, and I flipped out and wound up walking 3 miles alone in the middle of the night with a bum knee and a hurt back. Just to get the hell away from HIM. I screamed at the top of my lungs in the car yesterday just to LET IT OUT cause I can’t scream in my house {don’t want my little one to hear, and the walls have ears in this co-op}.
He lives in a la la land. I don’t know what to do anymore in order to cope. I have tried ignoring him, but it’s hard when he’s on my fucking couch every morning before he leaves for work. I have tried to be positive and get away as much as possible but how can I do that when I have a 2 year old to care for and no money and medical problems.
This guy has serious issues, ones that go WAY BEYOND sex addiction or whatever the fuck he wants to call it. Any person who will sit there and say “I make the wrong choices so I can avoid confrontation, even though I know I’m creating the confrontation” is a fucking PSYCHOPATH. Anyone who would steal money from his 2 year old little girl and NOT PROVIDE FOR her because he claims he’s “always spent money on himself and doesn’t know any better” is a LOSER LOSER LOSER. And for those who know the disgusting crap he did during the marriage, and how he exposed me and a preemie baby to DISEASES AND PESTILENCE will know that this is a guy who is NEVER GOING TO CHANGE AND I HATE MYSELF FOR ALLOWING THIS TO HAPPEN! I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING TRAPPED! I have always been an independent woman. THIS IS DRAINING ME!!!!
I’m sorry. I just needed to vent…thank you for listening.Oh Hurtheart,
I wish there was something I could do to help you. Firstly, and most importantly, you did not ‘allow this to happen’. There is nothing you could have done to stop it. It is not your fault. It is his and only his.Is there really noone you can turn to. Good friends if not family? The system in the US seems really unfair. Over here (UK) if you can’t afford a divorce you are entitled to Legal Aid, which will pay lawyers bills. Also, if you were to leave your SA you would be entitled to benefits and (eventually) a house and priority would be given to you because you have a child.
I wish I could offer you practical help. If you lived nearby I’d have offered you a room by now. Please take care of yourself and your little one…. you are doing so well taking out your anger and stress out of her hearing. It takes enormous strength to keep it in.
Thinking of you and sending hugs
Bb
xHi hurtheart-Your story is so tragic, and it made me cry just listening to it.
I am so glad we can be here and we can give you love and support. I know you are angry and hurting, and am glad you were able to get it all out on S.O.S.
I don’t know where you are from, but certainly there has to be government agency’s to subsidize you. I can’t remember what your’e husband does for employment, or if doesn’t work, but the court’s are usually quite sympathetic to a women with health problems, can’t work, and is trying to take their child out of an unhealthy situation. There may even be attorney’s who will take the case pro bono. Please get in touch with a Social Worker who can help you sort this all out and give you options.The options cannot be any worse than what you are going through day by day. My heart goes out to you.
Much Love.Hurtheart,
I am so sorry for your struggles!!!
Where do you live?
I was told that you DO NOT NEED A LAWYER TO DIVORCE. You need to look into that or let me know if you need me to check into it further.
Is there a nanny job that offers housing you could apply for?
Like someone mentioned, do you have a friend you could stay with?
There are women’s shelters in our area. Any in yours?
You could live with your parents couldn’t you? It may be small, but it is without him, right???
Have you checked into government assistance for you and your daughter if you moved to your parents? or even now? could you get some?
I have felt very trapped before, and to be honest, I wasn’t. I was in totally horrible situations, but I had more options than I could see. I pray options would present themselves that, though not perfect at all, will allow you to distance yourself from such a destructive person like your h.
All my love,
B. TrayedHoney– I gave you my number. Please, let us help you.
There IS FREE legal aid available. I googled “free legal aid” and came up with this in NY
http://www.legal-aid.org/en/probono/volunteerprobono.aspx
There are also agencies to help abused, beaten up women get help– also for FREE. And honey, emotional and psychological ABUSE is just as devastating, if not more so than a man who beats his wife. This does not mean that you would have to live in a shelter. You’re a bright extremely articulate woman and when you are free of that piece of slime, things are going to go in only one direction.
UP.
There is also free medical help. There are people out there, to help YOU. Do not be afraid Hurtheart– we are here for you.
It may seem grim right now and it is, but the help is there… keep looking for FREE help. It is out there. There ARE good, honest, deeply caring people who desperately WANT to help you– out there! Helping you, makes them feel worthwhile and needed. Honey, I know that in time, you will be able to pay it forward ten fold. But, don’t think about that right now.
BE SELFISH.
BE BRAVE.
DO IT FOR YOUR PRECIOUS DAUGHTER.
SAVE YOURSELF.
You can do this and you are not alone!
Love,
Lexie
Hurtheart, listen to what these precious ladies say! Reach out for that help. Is there any way you could crash with your parents, even just to get your bearings together? You could help them and they could help you. I’m sure no parent would want you with your “so called” husband (and I don’t even want to use that word.) Read what Lexie wrote in caps above! YOU CAN DO THIS!!
with lots of love!!
ZGHi Hurtheart,
Thank you for your honesty. It takes huge courage to see the circumstances, name them, and then just put it all out there.That feeling of being trapped is the worst worst thing for me. I used it to catapult myself out, but I didn’t have a young child and I did have a job. You have some significant obstacles to overcome. I’m not sure how well I would do in your situation, but I do know that none of us knows everything about our own situations. Just the way you poured this story out on this site, you also need to pour it out to the agencies, resource centres, social services, that some of the women named. You have to. Because one person in one of those groups has something that can help you. And you have to go and keep going until you find it. I don’t know what it is, and it may not be everything you need, but I know that it is there and will make a difference.
And one day your story will be the one that changes someone else’s story. One day your daughter will carry that story into her own life, knowing that even when every singled thing stinks to high heaven, you keep going until your find a vent you can open. You have that potential right now. I don’t know how you will ever do it or where you will start. But don’t take no for answer. Tell the story you posted here to whoever will listen. Someone is waiting to hear and has an idea of how to help you.
Again, thank you for the raw honesty that comes with you and your story of sex addiction. Thank you. I am holding you all day in the Light.
D.xoDear Hurtheart,
I want you to know how much you are thought of and appreciated. I too have felt very trapped by the system, my child, and finances. Feeling forced to live with someone you despise is truly a misery.
But here is the thing, even though we may feel trapped, we really are not. We just have very difficult choices, that feel overwhelming or seem impossible, but they are not. PEOPLE LEAVE THEIR SPOUSES EVERYDAY. WITH A DIVORCE. WITHOUT A DIVORCE. People leave. And it is ok. It is ok to start a new life, and say enough is enough. It really is. I hope you contact free legal aid. I may contact them too. For me, I feel it is better to stay, for now, but I don’t hate him as much, there has been some letting go so that I feel it is livable for me. And no it is not tolerance for fould play, but a release of my anger so I can enjoy life. I am finding I can. But I still consider divorce on the table should I change my mind. . But it is OUR life. Not just marriage. Marriage is secondary to our health and health of a child. don’t be afraid to be 1st for a change. embrace it. it will not change as long as we are passive. Don’t be a passenger to an addiction, going along for the hellish ride. you don’t have to. you do have a choice. They love to tell us we don’t. love to you
Take the journey on the bridge out…and find what lies ahead…it will be better in time, so much better. You are leaving a parched land and crossing a bridge to a better place. You can’t see what is on the other side of the bridge, the bridge that looks weathered and scary, but it will hold you and you will make it to the other side.
Much love, b
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