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Hello all!! I have missed you very much and have thought of you often. I have been so busy this past month that I have a lot of catching up to do!
The ISH intensive was the best thing I have ever done for myself. I feel like a new person. So much of the week was about me, and the other ladies. There is talk of the sa, but mostly it was about dealing with the trauma and learning how to deal with it when it hits. I feel a different sense of understanding. And ultimately our situation is as crazy and fucked up as we all perceive it. He blows the codependent model out of the water completely. He believes it is completely wrong. He is a sex therapist who started working with sex offenders, and then sex addicts and never expected to work with partners of sa’s. But along the way he discovered that partners weren’t co dependent they were traumatized, and that is how he got into this field. He even has science to back it up.
Some of the ladies in the group heard about him from their therapist, so their is hope that the trauma message is getting out there. 3 of the ladies in the group had their sa go first to an intensive and were impressed. I am sold and when I decide to talk to my h again, I am going to make it a condition that he go see him. From what I understand Dr. M doesn’t pull any punches and puts them in their places right away. He has several workshops, but he really has a passion for his work and is incredibly flexible. He also will work with you if you have limited resources, he would rather see you get help than not come because you cant afford it.
~ I believe he is going to be huge in this field, he is on a mission.The week included work with 3 other people. A meditation therapist, and art therapist and a csat. all who were excellent at what they do.
Deb and laurenbutterfly also went to his 6 day. I am so glad I got the heads up and went. I dont know if their sa’s went or are going, but I know mine needs go. Dr m actually told me the current csat my h is seeing is going to do more damage then good if he keeps going!
joann posted a link to one of his articles a while back, that’s how I got the idea to call him. The first time I called he talked to me for over an hour (no charge) and offered to speak to my therapist to “clue” her in so I would get the right therapy!
Wow, I’m so glad, Heidi. And look what you did—you went and got yourself the help you needed and worked hard on it all. There’s nothing wrong with you that love and support and time won’t heal. Bravo for being a woman of action.
It’s exciting to think that we could be past the first steps of establishing a new normative approach for our care and treatment.
I hope your guy is open to Dr. Minwalla’s therapeutic options.
and welcome home!Dear Heidi,
So happy to hear you had a positive and affirming experience. When you catch your breath, I would be curious what he thinks is behind that the way we can get so “stuck” with them…knowing in our logical mind that they are crazy but emotionally still hooked in? There has been quite a bit of discussion about that here lately. Karen xx
kmf-For me getting hooked, I thought I was the all time fixer. After all, if I could fix him everything would be the true happy ending. I think Steve was smart enough to feed into that and make me think it was working.
What a fool I was. Guess that was the Nurse in me. How stupid could I be??Welcome back Heidi,
My SA did go to see Dr. M. as soon as we could get him in right after discovery. He was gone for 3 weeks, though the normal is 2 weeks. Dr. M. kept me posted on his progress all along the way. He emailed me to tell me when he would call, so that I would be sure to be available to chat with him. Don’t you just love his voice? Something about his tone and the way he talks is very soothing to me. I was impressed, though I never got to meet him, I feel like I know him after speaking with him several times. He told me what to expect when SA came home and made sure I was aware of post intensive instructions. He also made sure that I made a list of my boundaries with the consequences and he had me email them to him. The last phone call I had with him was the day my SA was leaving the facility and he placed the call on speaker phone with my SA in his office. We went over every single boundary and consequence and Dr. M. made sure that SA knew and understood them completely and understood the reason for them. SA broke down several times (crying) during that phone call and while this was going on, Dr. M. would tell me what SA was doing and how he was feeling. It was the most intense phone call I ever had.
My SA, to this day, praises what Dr. M. helped do for him; he managed to pull some deep rooted secrets out of him from his childhood and on-going through adulthood. Things that SA had never disclosed to anyone, ever, in his life. Just getting all that out of him physically and mentally exhausted him, but Dr. M. didn’t let up on him. Continuing to go through his life history of his behavior and how it affected others in his life. The man I used to know is gone, this is a new man, but he still has so much work to do in order to become the man he wants to be. I don’t think he would be having the success he has in recovery had it not been for the intensive with Dr. Minwalla.
I sure hope your SA decides to go. You could make it conditional. Make it your first boundary on your list. And thank God your insurance covered it because ours did not and we are still trying to get back on our feet financially. But it was soooo well worth it.
Much love, Claire
Claire,
I am so happy for the success that your husband had with
Dr. Minwalla. I think your story says it all.First, that most of these men have deep dark usually childhood secrets. That these behaviors are coping-reinacting-escalating behaviors. That they are full of shame and self loathing. We are the collateral damage of their compusive behavior.
Second – Only the men who want to get well will go for help. The men who refuse or fake recovery to placate keep us on the gerbil wheel until we die of exhaustion.
You sound grateful for his recovery progress and I know you have been very gracious to him through all this but….How are you doing, Claire? How has this experience impacted you?
Love to hear from you!
Debora
Hi Heidi!
Yes, you have been very busy! After you take a cat nap and grab a cuppa Joe, tell us all about it.
Karen wants to know how we get so stuck and I want to know how Dr. Minwalla tells us to get unstuck. And everything else you can share.
After all that little prick put you through, you sooooo derserved some help for yourself.
Love ya, Debora
Welcome back Heidi!
I felt the same way when I came home. I wanted my SAH to go to Dr. Minwalla’s intensive. He wasn’t ready for that – I hope that yours will go. Seems like it really helped Claire’s SAH – very encouraging! Debora – I think you are spot in – unless they want to get well, they will just keep us spinning around in our gerbil wheels til we pass out, or get off like many here have.
My SAH decided last week that he doesn’t trust the local CSAT (Dan’s friend) that I like to do the disclosure so I told him that I also trust Dr. Minwalla to do it. He really is the best that I’ve come across. He definitely knows his stuff. Luckily LA is only a 6 hour drive from SF, so we could make it a weekend thing. I’m not holding my breath, though. Heidi – maybe we should both jump off the cliff together and hold a spot for our SAH’s – and tell them – no ISH intensive, no marriage. Sound like a plan?
Regarding “getting stuck” – you will all know that even after ISH’s intensive, I still get stuck. I realize that this is from my childhood stuff which I finally figured out and I’m working on. Dr. Minwalla’s partner intensive goes through the 12 ways we are traumatized to make us aware and recognize what we’ve been (are going) through – and then he uses things like group talk therapy, somatic (body) based therapy and art therapy to help heal it.
The comraderie is healing – and the therapists were all top notch. The cream of the crop, no doubt. If any of you can swing it (our insurance covered most of it) it’s a great experience. He also has a one day partner trauma intensive (more educational than therapeutic) followed by a one day for SA’s (focused on their partner’s trauma) – and then if both parties are ready, one day with the couples to help heal. I have put that on my “wish list”.
Deb
That sounds wonderful. I am glad your were able to get away and do some healing. It is encouraging that there is a new paradigm beginning to emerge to help us.
Was the program aimed at spouses still in the relationship?
I wish I could find family intensives. My kids could use it as much as me.
Hello Heidi and everyone. This is my first post as I have only joined 10 minutes ago. Heidi described the 6 day intensive beautifully and I had the privilege of getting to know her and 5 other beautiful women there. I am having quite a hard re-entry and wish I were back in Los Angeles. So many questions…… Well it is 2:21 AM and since I did something positive for myself I guess I can go to sleep now.
Hello Melissa and welcome! I am just curious what the cost of the intensive is if you do not have insurance and did u have to put yourself up in a hotel ect? Karen xx
AHHHHHH I want to spend time on here but I can’t right now!! Melissa I just got my happy wiggle when I saw your post!! Welcome!! Teri I glanced over your story and need to reply ~ I am sooooo sorry you landed here, but you will find lots of love, support and answers
I forgot that the Lake conference I work at was this week (I exhibit for my family’s business convention is in my town. I have to run and set up the booth. I also have bunco at my house tomorrow cccccrrrrraaaaapppp. Lots of thoughts, See you in a few days!
Heidi
Karen and Teri,
I can try and answer your questions since Heidi and Melissa are in the decompression chamber right now. There were four women in ISH’s Partner’s Intensive in January. My friend and I paid $3,000 for the week and the other two paid $2,500 (since they traveled from TX). My insurance paid 70% of it. I stayed with a friend in LA while the others stayed next door at the hotel Avalon (great boutique hotel).
Here is the link for ISH: http://www.sexualtreatmentprograms.com/
The ISH Partner Intensive along with the Pia Mellody childhood trauma intensive were the BEST things I did for myself.
All the women in my Intensive were all married – but some were not sure if it would work out or not.
I hope this helps.
Deb
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