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Hi,
I am sorry that this happened. I am working a lot on boundaries. With my spouse, and with my little kids (give an inch, they take a mile 🙂 I really hold true to the consequences of the violation of the boundary. Otherwise what’s the point of having one. If you agreed on a boundary and the consequences, and he violated the boundary, then it’s your turn to implement the consequence….which can be incredibly difficult.xxLila
I’m so sorry, Lynn. Now I get why I was muddled about his airport story.. He was muddling it up himself. When I first read your first post, I found myself in the mode of giving him the benefit of the doubt, that he was trying to be conscientious by keeping you in the loop. But the loop is so convoluted, and now with the additional info about his phones and his ‘accidentally’ deleted emails.. eesh.
And about dropping the classes.. do you feel more relief or disappointment about doing that? Putting myself in your shoes, I’d feel relief, but I don’t have one fraction of your energy. But it seems like you have so much going on in general, that I think like the others said, maybe it’s a sign. xoxo
About the classes, I feel ANGRY that H has taken that away from me.
When we married he kept saying that he wanted to support me so that I could complete my degree. Now when it comes down to it, HIS BEHAVIOR AND FINANCIAL INSTABILITY AND IRRESPONSIBILITY are preventing it.
Last night when he told me again he had no idea where the tax records were, I told him I was dropping because of all the financial things required that we don’t have. He begged me to keep going and said he’d get a loan (yeah right, with HIS CREDIT as I’ve discovered stinks and a negative bank balance, right.)
I said there were other reasons, the stress and instability of our current life might meaning ending them badly which would negatively affect my great academic record and hurt my future chances. H then said (get this)
“It won’t matter, I’ll help, I’ll do the work for you.” I laughed at that and he said “Are you mocking me?”. It was too strange. Who would do that, who would LET someone do that? What would THAT do to my academic record if he “accidentally” disclosed he was doing my work? Who would want a nurse who never even did the work, her husband did? He’s loopy.What a CROCK!!!! All to convince himself he is doing everything he can and it’s MY FAULT I don’t have a degree because I’m not disciplined enough.
Lynn, I am just SO FURIOUS at your husband for this latest round of betrayal(s). So much so, that during my kick boxing class this morning I used ‘him’ as a target. I’m pretty sure he’s dead now. Hope you had a big fat life insurance policy! Taking names and kicking ass, Liza
P.S. Should anyone else need my services, just let me know!Ugh! He definitely sounds like he is right smack in the middle of full blown SA. All the lies and inconsistencies and THEN pretending to be on your side!! I have seen it over and over in my own sham! I know it sucks- but I am SO GLAD you “get it”. It took me YEARS!!
I know not all the sisters agree about the classes- but I still think you are doing the right thing at this time! There is NO WAY you can put your best foot forward during this mess! Just don’t let too much time slip by or you will never do it! Keep planning your strategy until you get it right! We can help!Gawd…I don’t understand the divorce laws in your state! WTF is up with the evidence thing? Maybe your extra money needs to be spent on a PI right now so you can get what you need and then get the F out!!!
Heidi- that was an awesome post! Right up there with one of Karen’s best!! You are so right on all accounts! These guys are such pieces of work! Thank you for your super post! I can’t wait until you are longggg GONE!!!
Cold and Snowy here in Indy! Love to all!!
SL
Deary Lynn
I stand by this and this alone. Improving yourself is AFTER the divorce is final. The more dependent you look, the better the outcome. If there’s no negative consequences to your GPA, perhaps dropping not a bad idea.
If there is negative conseunces, other than financial, give it your all. Otherwise he interferes with your future.
In my mind, divorce and going to school need to be seperate occurances, perhaps. Give the divorce, your all. every record, anything that will improve your settlement. It’s for your kids.
Liza, I laugh to think of SA kickboxing dummies. Thanks for the chuckle.
SL and Pam, you are both right. I appreciate your perspectives so much. That’s why I’m so thankful for this place to ask questions.
All you ladies share such wisdom that it makes approaching these difficult decisions with my jello brain so much easier. I am so thankful for you all.
Wow!!! Just got a call from the bank. Cringed because I thought it was about an avalanche of NSF fees. No, it was a “thanks for your business what services can we add” call. Turns out H deposited a check from his retirement account on Wednesday, and took $880 cash back. That’s when I didn’t have money for school and had to drop. So the $880 cash was for? Wonder how much of that is left in his pocket now after his Thursday away from the office. Jesus.
Lynng-We all have had jello for brains while trying to sort out all of the lies, deception and manipulation of our SA h’s.
There will come a time when it all starts to make sense and we finally accept the reality of it all.
Then, we have the challenge of trying to decide what to do with it.
In my case, that has been the most difficult. I think the most important thing for us accept is that an SA is an SA for life. If, and just if, they decide to stay motivated and do the hard work required to learn to manage their addiction, then there is a ray of hope we might be able to live with them. But with that comes accepting there will probably always be slips and relapses down the road. If we can accept that, then we can stay, if not – fly the coop.lynn when he offered to do your work for you, doesn’t that just scream cheater! You have a problem, he wants to help, first solution he goes for is cheating. Its a little thing, but add up how many times he takes the weasely way out of things.
Liza could you kick my h’s ass tomorrow?
And I think I have an idea for a new business!! Which states need proof for a divorce? I will go get you that proof! in fact, I was wondering if I could get someone to temp my husband, so I know if he is sincere or not!!
hmmmm I could sell my services on craigs list!Want to bust your cheating husband??? HA!
lordy that probably already exists on craigs list!
OMG I knew his airport story was BS. Mine would get $500 at a time. If you search his car, you’ll find a stash of cash; old SA trick. One time I found $1000 In my h car. It was for his hookers.
As far as his doing your work for you???? He’s delusional….Nurse Ratchet
This guys a pro (just like mine) so sorry Lynn. Once you get out it will be liberating.
Love, Nap
Dear Lynn,
I feel sick about you dropping your courses BUT if leads to you getting away from him then maybe it is necessary? I have to agree with Pam on the divorce front. The less you have the more you are likely to get. I truly believe your H is scary insane and I also believe he is still doing his thing. You should focus on getting the money for a PI or just forget about money and get out. Hope the judge gives you some kind of a settlement for what you gave up. I think March really nailed this situation. If you cannot even get ahead by staying with him ..he has no worth to you. And if he knows you need evidence he is going to make sure you don’t get it…just for the fun of it, Lynn. If your husband isn’t a full blown NPD I will eat my shirt. God….he is such an asshole!
Love and light to you though. 🙂 Karen xxDear Heidi,
What can I say? You have come a long way baby. 🙂 I have to say I agree and this is probably one of the most difficult aspects for us to grasp in dealing with our H. THEY ARE NOT WELL INTENTIONED. They do not care about us, they do not respect us, they do not love us and they take pleasure in hurting us. If they cry it is for themselves, if they beg it is for themselves, if they do anything kind its because there is something in it for them and if they change in any way it is because they have been forced to.I truly believe this and I deal with my H, with this belief as my armor and shield. Heidi is so right that they need us to complete them. Somehow, it all falls down without us…or at least another victim in our place? Their entire platform is one of resentment and blame and we are their target. I don’t think they fall apart when we are gone because they suffer remorse though. I think they fall apart because they cannot keep their focus outward and they drown in their own pity party. As Liza so wisely put it…we, their partners, are all having “An abused adulthood..” 🙁
Dear Kmf
Yes what an insightful post. Until they are sober, the self centred manipulative beast will roar. It is the addict in them. That is what we loathe. But there is also a man in there. One were attracted to and fell in love with at one time. But the addict is the driving force/personality—their Mr. Hyde. Addicts are the most self centered people evah!! And SA is so hard to know if they are sober—I mean we know if someone is high on drugs. But sex? How can we ever know if sobriety is really being worked on practiced to the degree necessary? I think they will act like human beings. Addicts are sub human, possessed individuals. They are not in the drivers seat.
Many of us fell in love with a persona that was created to protect the addiction. That good father/husband/man does not exist, and we were manipulated by the addict into giving him our lives and our children in order to front for him. Who knows what’s really on the inside. He’s never shown us.
How do we KNOW they are addicts? How do we know they are not just nuts? I think they are simply insane but I know not everyone agrees with my position. I suppose I feel the way I do because of my own experience with my H. I KNOW he is not out of control. I KNOW he simply chooses to do as he likes.For him, I believe drinking and womanizing are symptoms of his insanity. I don’t believe drinking and womanizing are the insanity. I am willing to allow that a porn addict may be a sexual compulsive. But these guys running around with young pretty women…hookers or otherwise. No chance. Not in my mind. Lack of conscience is the addict in these dudes. Some think they are protecting their addict. I think they are simply protecting what they are…and what they are isn’t good.March, well said. Though we may not agree on the root cause…we can both agree on the outcome for us. Karen xx
I think I read this in the gas light effect book or deceived
~ If your mate is pretending to be something he’s not, then that relationship has always been a pretend relationship.
I agree, we married a facade, most of them don’t know who they are (unless been in serious treatment, is sober, and lives recovery every day). Not all, but most of us married an active addict, hence the false persona. Explains why after the wedding another personality shows up. What happened to the charming guy I married? This was is very moody and not very nice.
Love, NapI don’t believe I married an active addict. I believe I married someone with a mental illness who was able to disguise it UNTIL he was in a position of power. Karen xx
I am thinking maybe borderline. He certainly seems to have an abandonment issue. I wonder if you can be a shy narc AND a borderline at the same time. I found a book tucked away in his suitcase.The title was “I hate you, please don’t leave me…understanding borderline personality disorder” I could NOT believe my husband would walk up to a counter and purchase a self help book but he did. The title pretty much describes what he did to me.It seems like the kind of thing you would do to someone you hate (at least at times) and yet he has also said throughout ALL this drama…he will never leave me…that he cann’t? I just know something is wrong, Nap and I KNOW it isn’t addiction. Karen xx
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