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Jos, I like your list 🙂
After all this lesson we learned was a bitter one, so we can not take any more chances, we are done for a life time with screwed up men.i’m not sure about dating right now… i’d like to try to avoid it. at least my head says that. but when i see a good looking guy, my body takes over ‘he’s hot’ and i pretty much have to hold myself back… :). DW and i didn’t have sex for about the last ten years. WTF!!! – so my body is ready to make up for lost time. but i want to be cautious, or do i? … argh! 🙂
That is too freaking unbelieveable, March. Now if you talk to my dearly departed CODA cohorts, there must be something about YOU that attracts these nut jobs 😉
Joking, obviously, but it makes me think that there may be so many more of these rejects running around than you might imagine. Just sheer force of numbers that you would bump into another one, and that is scary! If I ever date again, I’m going to keep a polygraph examiner on salary.Yeah, he sent me a long email saying that he learned in Imago workshops that we attract (and are attracted to) certain types of people and that I would be safer with him, since he’s done so much personal work and he’s honest. “How many men do you know who have The Betrayal Bond on their bookshelf and have actually read it?” he asked.
I told him that if I wanted to take my chances with a sex addict, I’d stick with my child’s father.
March, I’m pretty sure we have more choices than settling for the one who’s honest about lying. Sheesh!!!!
But he also can’t stop thinking about you. HAHA. It’s the luminosity.
SOT, I’m not naive enough to think I’ll find a man who’s never used porn, but I think there’s a big difference between occasional use and compulsive use. For me, it’s like the difference between a social drinker and an alcoholic. That’s at the baseline. Then, of course, I have to add the knowledge I have of the damage porn does, the exploitation of women, etc.
As a recovering alcoholic, I have no problem hanging out with moderate drinkers. I’m not triggered, and I don’t find people who drink repulsive. As a POSA, I can’t personally tolerate porn use in my relationships. If a man who used it occasionally couldn’t give it up for me, that would be a deal breaker. I’d prefer someone who never used it to begin with.
SOT, call me a cynic, but unless your husband could pass the porn question on polygraph, I don’t believe that for a minute.
Yeah. I did catch him in 98 twice. Since then I haven’t caught him and he hasn’t had it in the house that I know of but it seems to reason they start of with porn before jumping to illegal activity.
I am sure u are correct Courtney.
I also think there is a difference between a single mans occasional use of porn and a man in a relationship using it.
Oh Bonnie, congratulations on your wedding!! Big hugs to you, lovely newlywed. xoxo
NAP, my son’s best friend met his wife on eharmony. As far as I know, things are good with them, and they have two beautiful little girls now. I just find the eharmony ads to be a little creepy, but then I’m easily creeped out these days. 🙂 xoxo
p.s. Trish, I am laughing so hard at your post.. ‘I see enough flaccid penises at work..’ Oh man, that’s a keeper. 🙂
OK, I am going to get a little personal here and reveal something I have found refreshing. My partner of 2 1/2 years (61) said he has used porn but he does not now. He has said he has nothing to hide and does not act cagey at all. He appreciates women’s looks and especially mine (54). He acts normal around women. He is extremely respectful of all woman regardless of there looks. He sees them as people.
Here is the cool thing. Sexually he is so responsive to me and basks in our togetherness and connection. It is about the love and closeness we share together. It is an expression of our love for each other. It is for us and us alone because we love each other. It is so refreshing. His physique is not great but his touch is so sincere. I feel very lucky. He is a keeper for sure.
Because of this, I believe he does not continue to use porn. I have not grilled him about his past history. I see that he is transparent about his whereabouts, computer, emails, iphone, etc., etc.
Anyway, I find him refreshing and VERY different from EX SA RAT.
BONNIE! You just dropped that bomb out there like you were talking about the weather. You KNEW we would say it was too soon didn’t you?? 😉 Sooner or later… I believe in caution, but we are not 20 and we are not stupid??? As you said…it is SO EASY and that is the answer. We hear that relationships and marriage are hard work BUT they should never be as hard and painful as our relationships have been??? a relationship should be easy, respectful and even keel most of the time. the intensity of a relationship with a loser is a key that something is wrong. Trying to drag yourself to work, trying to drag yourself to do anything enjoyable, trying to drag your head out of a bottle of wine every night and trying to drag yourself out of bed to even face your life….that isn’t a relationship… it is a bloody prison
sentence. A healthy relationship doesn’t feel that way. I want to send HUGE congrats to you and to let you know I am THRILLED for you. Carpe Diem. Guess you took that to heart. 😉 Love KarenOMG March. He was like something out of the SA playbook!!!! You make me laugh right out loud. I can tell you right now, if I were a man and I met you on a dating site, I would be sending you a manifesto for our life together too….as quick as I could, before some other guy clued in to the fact that sexy redhead was the WHOLE package. You are going to be beating them off….just make sure you use a sledge hammer for the P/D’s and SA’s. The rest you can handle fine just with your killer intellect and razor wit. Some lucky bastard is going to go to lunch one day soon and not even know what hit him. I know you have to kiss a lot of frogs but I’m delighted you are putting yourself out there. There is no risk of you ending up with a worse choice…can only be all up from here, girl. I love you March. LOL. You do make me laugh. No doubt you will be able to tell us a few good stories…. Karen xx
I think online dating is the way of the future and maybe more so for people our age? I keep telling my best friend (she got rid of last husband-porn addict) she has to get on a dating site. She says no way. Now….I would be scared shitless myself but more about the whole dating thing than where the dates originated? I still trust my intuition and if anything, this experience has sharpened it. I mean whats worse? Putting yourself on a dating site and admitting you would like to spend some time with a sane member of the opposite sex OR hanging around the produce section squeezing melons all day hoping MR right strolls in because he needs some tomatoes?? I say go for it Nap. Use your good judgement, take it slow, and keep it light. Have some fun and you never know who might show up. I mean you are thinking about it and look how wonderful you are??? Love karen x
It’s been 17 mo since my divorce was final and I’m just now kinda thinking about it. I really have no strong desire to find a man however I think I would enjoy dating around not with just one person. And as far as sex goes I can’t have sex with someone I hardly know. The only inkling of desire I’ve had is I do have a crush on my internal medicine Dr. He’s divorced now about three years, very nice, very handsome, and I feel some connection. However it’s awkward because hes my Dr (and also Mommy Dearless’ Dr.) and he knows my weight and cholesterol level. IDK how I would approach him without it being awkward. Any ideas sisters???
Karen, thanks for the kind words. You made my day.
Nap, maybe you could say, “Would you give me a referral for a new doctor so you can give me a different kind of check-up?”
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