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What about writing out everything you think and feel to get it all out there? To get it worked out of your system? He stole your life by being a liar and an abusive asshole. Get it out of you!?
Don’t send it. Do it for you. The depth of this type of betrayal is just massive. And, healing is possible….just not fast..
I LOVE Diane’s responses here. Diane, are you going to write another book or 3?
Arleigh, I hope you realize that all of our responses – the ones you like and the ones that make you mad – all come from a place of real caring for you. I was thinking about you for the last couple of days and I wanted to share something my therapist said to me last year.
I was “needing” to tell Tim a lot of things. I was full of hurt, anger and despair, and broken – really broken. I had been told here on SOS not to bother because I wouldn’t get the response or understanding I wanted from him. I was told the same in my women’s group by the CSAT and psychiatrist that led the group. But, my own therapist told me to go ahead. She told me to write it and send it or call him, but to have no other expectation beyond getting it off my chest. She said to do it for me if I thought it would help ME. So I did. And I felt better. In fact I have done it when ever I have “needed” to.
If you need to write to him or call him to tell him off, then go do it. Just do it knowing that it changes nothing. He still wants a divorce, but perhaps getting it off your chest will help you. You are carrying around so much anger and venom, that I think it might actually benefit you to scream it out at him, to purge it, but only if you know you are doing it for you, to help you move forward. In fact, don’t wait to hear what he says back to you – walk away. And remember to never put into writing what you don’t want the entire world to see. A good scream session is highly under rated. I am so sorry that you are still in so much pain. I’m still rooting for you Arleigh.Hi Arleigh, I am thinking about you. I respect your journey and timeline on this. I think it is a process and not everyone is on the same part of the process or journey. I think it is very hard to not feel hurt and mad and all of the emotions that you are talking about.. I am keeping you in my prayers. Things will get better one way or another. This forum is for voicing how you feel and for voicing where you are at on your journey. What feels right for you, is right. Be at peace Arleigh… spring is coming and it will get better .. much light and love
Thank you all…I am tired because so much time has gone by, and things are only getting worse for me. I tried all year to live my own life and not communicate with him, while he went about his merry way and was evidently happy with my silence, which he interpreted as compliance and a reprieve. Is he trying to break me with the emails & texts? Idk. He may just be having conversations with himself over and over, surrounded by mirrors everywhere, feeling fabulous about himself with every “kind” text he sends.
Spring and summer don’t hold promise for me anymore. This May would have been our 20th anniversary. We always had trips, activities planned etc and now my big activity to look forward to is finding a place to live and moving out.
I’ve done everything I know how. Distraction, focus on job, post here, spend time with friends, focus on “hobbies,” take trips on my own, see my counselor, see a new MD for meds, get meditation CDs, get a lawyer, talk to my family, talk to HIS sister in law, etc etc. no change in anything.
I have the bad feeling that he’s upped the emails because my lawyer told his that we had drawn up papers and were preparing to file. Rather than riling him up, this may have relieved and cheered him, because he can spin it in his own head as compliance with his wishes to divorce, and that he’s pushed the hard part off on me, as usual…so he can tell himself & others that I divorced him. That’s why he’s been sending me these “grateful” emails thanking me for “following up.”
I like the idea of doing something for myself every time I find myself focusing on him. I will try to do that. The next two months at work will be crazy busy…
I understand the “focusing on me” part. I guess sitting and doing nothing about the biggest pain and problem in my life just goes against my nature. It’s like watching a house burn down and doing nothing to even try to stop it….sitting on the sidelines doing meditation etc while it’s burning…when what I want to do is get a fucking fire hose and STOP it. I tried, kept trying in so many ways, but it’s burning anyway…
My counselor also suggested a “not work friends” note. I put one together and am debating whether or not to send it to him.
Yesterday was the 4th anniversary of my dad’s passing. Wt sent me a condolence text with more “xoxo”s. As usual I ignored it. I know full well he doesn’t give a flying fuck about my father.
Arleigh,
If dr e were in my life as much as wt is in yours- you see him when you are out driving, he is part of your prof life, you live in the same apartment complex- I would probably be struggling a whole lot more, too. It’s very hard to heal with him always there tormenting you and triggering you.Out of sight, out of mind.
Thats a very good idea March. Arleigh…you are in a city. There is likely someone who offers it and it might help you process what he did. You know we are all on your side……
Yes I know you are..and thx again for listening to my venting. .the emdr is a great idea. My counselor (who I see through skype) walked me through the “tapping” technique. I tried it and it doesn’t seem to do much. Belleruth Naperstak’s CDs for PTSD and heartbreak are really good, his evil voice kind of sabotaged one of those techniques but I am fighting it. Is there more to emdr than the “tapping”? I don’t know much about it.
That’s just it Teri, I drive by his two bachelor cars every fucking time I go in and out of the garage. I’ve disconnected from him. as much as I can at work. We were a fairly prominent “team” at work and of course he would be happy to keep that going, just with us divorced and him fucking around as much as he wants, with me legitimizing it all by being friendly to him and helping him save face professionally. No way in hell.
Im am so sorry this has been so difficult for you. I am just recently going through a lot of the same things. However, and this is just for me, I have had no contact. I was initially upset that he was not calling or communicating with me. I think it was Bev who set me straight. She told me to get on my knees and thank God that dr ahole was going no contact. She was right. If he was continually contacting me like wt is, I think I would have lost my mind.
I could be wrong, but I feel like this has turned into a game for wt, and he is intent on winning it. He is using you as a pawn. You, on the other hand are a feeling, caring person who is affected by his communications with you. By the way, I do think he knows what this is doing to you even though you have had NC. He knows you well, arleigh. He knows what buttons to push and he is trying damned hard to break you.
I hate being so forward when you are in so much pain. Its just that I care about you and when you are on the outside looking in, it is easier to see what is going on.
Like Trish said, go ahead and send him the letter or whatever you want to do. Just don’t expect anything from him. He will hurt you every chance he gets.I know we all think in the beginning that these guys have the same thought processes as us. The truth is they do not think the same way we do. They think and plot about what is the best for THEM. They do not care if they kill us in the process. THis is why you need to be an advocate for you. He will take you down in an instant and not think twice about it.
Hang in there girl. Think long and hard before you do anything. Think ‘what is my motive’? If your motive is to simply get this off you chest and walk away then fine. If your motive is to get him to see what he is doing, to try and get your relationship back on some level then you better think hard about contacting him. I went to 2 years of MC with dr ahole. He sat and cried and carried on like a wounded little boy. As soon as I realized he emptied our accounts, I called him and told him I was filing for divorce. He thought he held the trump card…his fantasy woman. He ran to his lawyer quickly and filed first, then moved in with the girl. I havent seen him, but I hear he has aged 15 years. I am now the one on the outside looking in. Instead of pain, I only shake my head and realize how sick he is. I am grateful to have gotten away from him with my core inner being intact. He could have systematically ruined me if I let him.
I’m with Trish. You haven’t confronted your abuser like many of us have, and holding it in is haunting and eating you alive. It can be cleansing and a good way to reclaim more of your power, but only if you expect nothing from him in return — all they’re capable of is inflicting pain. If it were me, I would put my needs first and get it out of my system. At the end of the day, you matter, not him. There’s also symbolic ways to do this if you choose not to send your note.
We’re all primed for survival — it’s natural to be highly aware of incoming danger and feel threatened by hostile interactions, especially covert abuse like wt’s text. He’s not the postman — he’s the man who single handedly blew up and decimated your life, so you’re going to react accordingly. What happens in trauma, we essentially enter a state of high situational awareness and it’s driven by the most primal parts of our brains. It doesn’t mean you’re nuts or obsessed — it simply means your brain’s doing what it was designed to do in profound threat environments. Narcs are like missiles — walking, talking, breathing weapons with sophisticated homing systems and a purpose to destroy. When we fly, they shoot us down. They hit us in so many different ways. They know exactly which wounds to lock-on target. For our protection, in survival mode we watch our six, anticipate, sense, and assess threats. We gain knowledge of the environment and terrain, and recognize and “read” predator behavior. The risk from doing this for extended periods is exhaustion, not insanity.
He wants a divorce, yes. However, the psychological and emotional realities of your story matter as much as the factual aspects about wt. We don’t get to choose our trauma reactions, and they unfortunently don’t come with in-built stop buttons. What we do get to choose, however, are our responses to them once they occur in order to help us cope better. Writing here and releasing your thoughts, I gather that has been helping you cope. If that’s true for you, please keep doing what helps you. It doesn’t equal “solution” but venting sure lightens the load and it’s a lot better than intolerable suffering alone. The source of a lot of strength is vulnerability, and I see that in you.
He is living by his narrative and it’s okay to acknowledge that. They hijack the truth of our stories and it’s certainly abusive. It’s their nature to blare the bullshit loud even if we never dance to it. They live in their own twisted fiction and push their screwed up versions of reality upon us and the wider world, regardless of our reactions or responses. It’s infuriating, painful, and can make us feel powerless because we have zero control over it. You have faced this “work friend” devaluing nastiness from him for a long time — this shit is cumulative, and being unaffected by abuse doesn’t come immediately.
My SA’s narrative was that ‘he was doing everything he could’. He reframed our story to everyone as him being the heartbroken dedicated hero and me as “difficult, stubborn, crazy, sex negative”. I saw his conversations in the first year and he said to everyone: “My problem is I care about her too much”. So funny considering his cruelty and abuse. Human of the year, I tell you. They are delusional. Utterly delusional. He’s been writing another new best seller in the fantasy genre — I found out that for the past year he has told everyone at his work that we live together, are happy, and is even regularly updating them each week about what dinners I apparently cook. Pathetic. I think all I feel at this point is pity.
I remember March’s literary lesson, and it’s a must read.
Yes there is more to EMDR Arleigh. It was developed to help treat soldiers who suffered from PSTD I believe. Often therapists use a machine that has blinking lights. The idea behind it is to separate the emotion from the traumatic memory and the whole eye blinking thing is part of how the brain processes some of the traumatic memories we get stuck in. March knows more about it but it has been used for natural disaster victims, soldiers, children who have been sexually abused, rape victims ext. Supposedly it can help you process traumatic experiences quicker than years of talk therapy can.
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