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Hey Cat, count me in! As I’ve failed rather miserably at giving up alcohol. (I mean REALLY – would a ‘loving God’ truly want that for me?)
We’re only a week into Lent Liza……
Throw down with an Our Father and a few a Hail Mary’s and you’ll be good. 🙂
I love you guys.
Only thing I’m trying to give up for Lent is worrying…how am I going to get the house ready to sell? What am I going to do with all this stuff? Where am I going to move? How am I going to pay for college? How am I going to take care of Bat?
Doing my best Scarlett O’Hara:
“I can’t think about that right now. If I do, I’ll go crazy. I’ll think about that tomorrow.”Liza, yep, it’s Lent. And I realized on Ash Wednesday that I was scarfing up Cadbury Creme Eggs that I’d bought to send to my son. I shall go to hell and fat camp. 🙂 xoxo
If eating Cadbury Cream Eggs lands you hell, then count me in.
I’m thinking there must be something far worse than hell in store for dr e….!
I’ll be the short brunette with the Reese cups
🙂
Really perverse, but I’d bet he’d be more miserable in heaven, he already acts like he has keys to the other eternal address
teri, you have so much on your plate. even without an asshole to deal who acts like a child pretty much daily. breathe sister. it WILL get easier one day.
seem to me that there should be a strict time for pick up. and it seems reasonable that dr. e would have to be on time, not early, not late.
is there any way to enforce this?
and i’m so sorry to ask this, because maybe it isn’t possible, but is there any way to make sure that bat is ready at that strict time? that would be my take, it would involve two difficult obstacles
1. dr. e being on time
2. bat being ready on time.if there was a way to make sure bat was always ready on time, then the simple answer would be
1. dr. e, you are early. pick up time isn’t for another 20 minutes.
2. dr. e, you are late. bat has been ready since the agreed time
3. dr. e, you are on time, bat is coming right out
idk, just trying to help. if you and bat are following the agreement to a T, then it’s on on dr. e…
and i don’t know what it would be like to try to make that happen with bat. but if it were possible, seems it simplifies things when dealing with a madman
Bev, where are you…
Transitioning is very difficult with kids on the autistic spectrum. That’s one of the characteristics that Bat has. If something is very stressful, it takes him time to process and get his head around it before he can do it. Trying to force things makes things worse.
This is one of those things that people do not understand if they haven’t had experience with kids like this. It would be like telling a normal kid- well, Bat can do graduate math so why can’t you? Bat can sit and do one math problem for 2 hours, so why can’t you? You have to deal with the kid you have and not use a metric for other kids.
You wouldn’t tell a kid in a wheelchair to get up and run because that would make things easier, so why can’t they just do that.
Just because you can’t SEE something wrong with someone, doesn’t mean that they don’t have limitations. Just because they are very able at some things mean they are able in all areas. Somethings are not about just wanting to make it happen. Believe me, if Bat could do it, he would. He is the one that suffers most with all this. The best thing dad could do would be to cause Bat as little stress as possible during transitions. Only through the very slow process of repeated success does it get better. Every time dad creates a 2 hour stand off at the front door, we backslide.
I don’t know it that makes any sense. I guess it’s like telling a stutterer to just spit it out. The more pressure you put on them, the more they will stutter and the longer it will take them to say it. The more you ease off and give them time, the quicker they will be able to say it.
Here’s some more info that might help you all understand. I start helping Bat transition an hour before dr e is supposed to arrive. That is the amount of time that Bat says is most helpful. He is ready and everything he needs is by the door before dr e gets here. It’s the actual getting himself up and out that he can’t do. When dr e shows up, it triggers a bunch of emotions for him. He’s afraid, he’s stressed, he’s anxious, and he doesn’t want to go. His emotions are overwhelming and he needs time to calm himself and so he feels like he is in control of himself and his emotions.
There was a period where Bat was able to get out right when dr e showed up. Then we had some standoffs and multiple phone ringing episodes over and over. And so we are back to this again.
The poor kid has been so traumatized by Dr. E. And that’s the last thing a child with autism needs. God, he’s such an emotionally abusive prick. Does Bat’s therapist legally have any input as far as professional opinion that Bat is suffering from trauma from contact with his dad? Something is so wrong with this system. No child should have to deal with that, let alone a child with autism. I am so sorry. I feel like we should all make anonymous calls to the hospital where Dr. E works, and have him investigated. Makes me want to puke. xoxo
The problem is that Teri is the only one considering the child in the equation.
Autism is a large spectrum and Bat isn’t diagnosed with “full blown” autism. I understand some of this from working win a variety of kids and my son has some of the same tendencies that Bat exhibits. My son is not as smart but smart enough that the “unknown” or unexpected does not work with him.
I’ve sat thru many teachers telling me Ryder doesn’t listen ( he’s never disruptive but they perceive he isn’t listening ). I’ve learned to tell them “give him a pop quiz on whatever you just said”. He has an uncanny memory and he is always listening. He just doesn’t listen like a “normal” child. The most important thing to any child with any of these characteristics is to know their schedule and feel safe. They are very particular about who they feel safe with. Deep down they have self esteem issues. To look at Ryder or Bat you would see normal, handsome, intelligent young men and would never think they are insecure. They are.
They have an incredible ability to spot bullshit. When they spot it then they are pretty much done with that person. Bat would exhibit this more so than most kids because he has such high intelligence.
Bat would be okay ( not ecstatic but okay) with doc e IF he was secure in the plan of what was going to happen during the visit and IF he could depend on doc e to listen to him. Nothing frustrates an intelligent child more than a disregard for what they need to say. My daughter is perfectly smart enough but she lacks that “edge” to her intelligence. If she got stuck doing something she didn’t want to do then she would just suck it up and go along and then vent to me or her friends later. That’s considered normal and it is normal FOR HER.
Teri, you cannot control doc e but maybe you and Bat together could brainstorm a few coping devices that Bat could use to deflect the obvious triggers. The phones ringing needs to be addressed. Maybe you and Bat could practice having al the phones ringing while you both just breathe through it and realize that while it’s annoying as hell, it can’t actually hurt you. Have friends dial them all at once continuously for 5 minutes on a Monday and again on a Wednesday…..
Work with Bat on some kind of “talisman” that he can touch or feel or smell to remember to breath end be calm. Some kids use bracelets or charm necklace or even wear a particular scent on their wrist. Another good thing is to use times. Tell Bat that every 15 minutes past the hour that you will be focusing on him and he should focus on you. If he can look at his watch and know that in 15 minutes mom will be thinking of me then it helps calm anxiety. I have also used complicated riddles. Ryder has made it thru school days by having a riddle to solve by the end of the day and there is a prize for it ( a pack of sweet tarts 🙂 ). Bat is so smart that one May be difficult but you could probably find something on the internet that’s difficult and he could use that to occupy his thoughts while dealing with doc e…..
That’s all I can think of and I’m sorry if you’ve already tried them all. I hate doc e and I just want to grab Bat and tell him it’s all going to be okay. Just what his dumbass father should be telling him…
Sorry it’s so long 🙂
Intelligent children also tend to rail against injustice far more than “normal” children. They can’t let it go. To them it’s wrong and everyone should plainly grasp that fact. There isn’t a lot of “gray” in their thinking. It’s composed of mostly black and white and it should be understood without explanation that something is wrong.
They don’t do well with long explanations of things that are so apparently simple to them. It’s why Bat won’t go along with just saying NO or turning off his phone or secretly recording doc e. Those things are wrong and Bat knows it ( aka being rude and disrespectful). He isn’t wiling to compromise his own integrity. To him, wrong is just wrong.
Teri, have you and Bat tried yoga? It sounds silly but it’s something you could do together and do at home using a DVD. It might help center him and and it’s healthy anyway …..
I rambling mat this point. Just skip the whole thing if it’s too tiresome 🙂
Thanks, Bev- and could you come talk with the custody evaluator, too? Bc he totally does not get any of that even though he’s been told.
We actually do several of those things. Bat has a little squeezy with a smiley face that it supposed to remind him he is going to be okay and he can squeeze to work off extra energy if he wants. And his reward afterwards is having a friend over about an hour after he gets home (so he has time to decompress first). I set it up ahead of time, and tell the friend that it’s not for sure because I can’t schedule anything during Bat’s time with dad, but if he is home by whatever time, then he would love having a friend over. I’m sure dr e would object to even that, saying I’m using it an enticement for Bat to come home early, but that isn’t how we set it up at all. I just base an estimate on his usual time getting home, which has been very consistent for the last 2.5 years.
And I run everything by Angela to make sure she understands and is on board.
I haven’t tried the time thing. I can see where dr e would say I was using that to interfere, too, so that would def be run by Angela.
Bat can’t think when he is with dad. We’ve discussed all kinds of little distractions (kind of like your riddle idea- a math problem, something to read, rubik’s cube, etc.) but he gets really upset about it.
Noises have been a problem since before he was born- he would react to sounds even in the womb. I have carried earphones that muffle sound like you use with heavy equipment for YEARS. We were at live performance this week, and Bat covered his ears during the applause. I think I might just put all the phones in another room with the door closed next time. I don’t think anyone can find fault with phone being in another room- that can’t be restricting access.
I don’t know if anyone remembers the time dr e took Bat in the car and said he was going to keep driving until Bat thought of something to do with him. Bat told me afterwards that it felt like he was being kidnapped. So a couple of weeks ago, Bat and I were driving home a different way, and Bat suddenly got really upset. He said it looked like the way dr e had driven him when he felt like he was being kidnapped, and he insisted that I turn around right away (which I did). When dr e does not stick with the routine and is not reliable, it really upsets Bat. Bat also was very upset with dr e sitting there reading while he had a panic attack.
All these instances have lead to Bat panicking when dr e shows up for visitation. And gifted as well as autistic kid often have very intense emotions (sometimes called supersensitivities or overexcitabilities). Coping with those emotions is not easy. Kids need a safe, quiet place and time to manage themselves. If people interfere, it makes it worse.
And boy, Bev- yeah, wrong is wrong. He won’t even let me proofread his college applications bc he says that would be wrong. It doesn’t matter if everyone else does it, and it doesn’t matter to the college people. To him it does. No way can this kid lie or do something he believes is rude (not that he isn’t sometimes rude, but he figures it out right away “That sounded rude, didn’t it” and he is profoundly apologetic.
We did yoga when he was little. At some point, he decided it was too embarrassing, so now we just walk and breath. Personally, I LOVE yoga.
You can ramble anytime, Bev. It’s really just sad that here you are how many states away and never met Bat, yet you understand him so much better than his own father. But at least for me, it’s good to have people who get it, especially when so many of these therapists we have involved don’t get it which is so crazy making.
I have found that most people do not get kids at all. They are so intent upon making themselves heard or right that they completely miss whatever it is the kid is saying ( or trying to say).
You’re a great mom Teri. Bat knows you have his back and he knows you “get it”.
Phones in another room sounds like an excellent idea and maybe something more simple and repetitive for times with doc e? Maybe just very simple like ‘when you get home we are going to see how many flavors of ice cream we can name. Whoever wins has to buy ice cream’….
I HATE people that abuse children in any way. Children aren’t here for us to take our shit out on. Even people in the helping professions get it wrong most of the time. My dumbass H wanted my son to see a shrink and I put my foot down. My son didn’t have a problem ….. My H did/does.
Thank God for Angela. Between you and her Bat will be okay. He shouldn’t have to battle his own father but he does. He has good support.
You’re doing a good Jn Teri under horrid circumstances ……. Don’t ever forget that.
That’s the way Ashley felt, too- dad had a problem, not her. Unfortunately, the persistent exposure to dad led to her now having a problem (PTSD) as well as Bat. It so pisses me off. Because my kids didn’t originally have problems. They had problems with dad, and he wouldn’t back off.
I hope your kids do better. I know you are doing everything you can to protect them from this shit. Thank goodness your H is towing the line for now, anyway.
The courts are particularly lousy for getting kids, at least here. I was told to tell Bat that he couldn’t go to math class at Rice unless he went on visitation with dad on the weekend. These are the people who are supposed to be looking out for BAT’S BEST INTEREST. It makes me sick.
Teri you and Bevs information has been really helpful in understanding Bat Jr. I guess where I’m confused is when you mentioned in another post that Bat Jr would be on disability when he is 18. What specific disability does he have that he would qualify for disability? Or maybe I misunderstood about the disability?
ah jeez teri, i’m sorry. i hope i didn’t seem insensitive, i was just trying to help.
you’d think that his own father would know this. sigh.
NAP,
He would qualify for disability for being on the autistic spectrum. My attorney says I have everything I need to show the problem existed before age 18. I still need to go over with him how to document everything as I go so it’s ready for court when the time comes.Lisa, Don’t worry. People ask questions like that all the time, and I was responding in general- it wasn’t directed at you. When I get those questions, sometimes I immediately think “Like I hadn’t thought of that, and we wouldn’t be doing that already if we could!”, but I realize people usually aren’t being insensitive, they just don’t have the experience and information. And you are right that being on time would take the wind out of dr e’s sails.
Even my attorney will tell me to offer extra visitations to dr e so that he will be more likely to work with us in visitation. Unless people live with this, I can’t really expect them to get it. I have to keep informing and educating. And because he is doing so well in college classes, people just assume he can lots of things that he can’t.
He can’t go into a store and buy something even if I am there. He rarely can order in a restaurant. He has a hard time stopping an activity and starting another. If I left him alone, he would sit and do math all day. He wouldn’t eat, he wouldn’t get dressed- I have to stop him to do all those things. If I leave, he won’t do it on his own (this from experience) and if I send a friend, he often won’t do it either UNLESS they bring along another child. He doesn’t like most public places- he has to be really motivated. He can’t pack a suitcase or his backpack on his own. He gets lost even places he has been numerous times. He doesn’t look both ways when he crosses the street. He can’t find our car in a parking lot unless I park in the same place every time. He won’t use a urinal in a public restroom. One week a friend brought over Halo, and he almost had a complete meltdown (it’s wrong to play Halo to him). He refuses to watch anything on TV or movie that is rated above his age level. He has a very hard time carrying a cell phone bc it upsets him to do so. He gets very upset if anyone mentions how tall he is (6′) or if anyone mentions learning to drive to him. He has sensory issues- smells and noises in particular REALLY bother him. When things upset him, he gets dizzy and has even passed out.
I could go on and on. I am working on all these life skills with him, and he had made a lot of progress before dday. But after he found those pictures, it was like someone hit “reset”. His therapist said he regressed almost to an infantile state. Before he was gaining confidence in the world. Now, I only see that confidence when he is engaging in math and with people about math.
Right, March?
Here’s some others:
Bat cannot pee outdoors bc it is “wrong”. He’d rather go in his pants.He cannot answer personal questions, like “What’s your favorite TV show?” or even “How are you?” He says it feels too intrusive. He just shuts down and says nothing. People love that…
College admission essays that ask for any experience and how it affected you are killing him. It is wrong to him on so many levels. So I told him just to write about some math-y thing he loves. He wrote a parody math research paper about Doctor Who and said that it shows how much he loves math and humor. He is who he is. Hopefully someone in admissions will be able to think outside the box.
I think Harvard only picks people who think outside the box Teri. It only accepts ~ 10% of people who apply. I think they would love to have Bat there. I think his assay shows originality, creativity, and intellect. I’d love to read it.
Well, I vote you on the Harvard admissions committee, NAP!
I posted his paper on the new site under “Children” just for you, NAP (be careful what you ask for! 🙂 ).
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