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i just wanted to share, that after a binge of partying and breaking all rules–and admitting to being an addict, and needing help– My SAH informed me to day “he was only going to rehab in January, as discussed to appease me.”
Naaw, he did not come home high on coke, mix valium and alcohol, off the wall behavior, not come home until daylight on several occasions in last few weeks. Naaw, that was no cause for alarm. I am making it bigger than what it is.
Uh. no. an elephant is an elephant. He is now playing team “normal” wants a christmas tree, and calming down after days of raging. no real problems here.
Why the rage? I told his mother he’s using substances to an excess and his behavior and health are very disturbing.
His reaction to my “telling” was outrage. I stand by telling. HIs mother ought to know. So she can attend his funeral and know why.
Also, I am done keeping secrets. If you don’t want it told, don’t do the behavior.suddenly he doesn’t have a problem at all, he is perfectly fine. OH what a tune.
Ps- he threatened to call my father and say ugly things in retaliation. He threatened to call my employer to defame my character so I would lose my job. I told him go ahead. He did! But My dad told him to F off and not call him. At the word “hello”. Go Dad. As for my employer?? well I told him I would quit to avoid the embarassment. hello stay at home mom. support ass and I will do thing. that did not appeal to him.
I am exxhausted from days of raging ridic behavior, my poor daughter is seeing so much ugly. I am so tired of the addict, psychopath merrygoround of abuse. I want off. I need off just to function normally.
He threatens if I go to an attorney to file for D., he will do unthinkably sick crimes until my life is ruined and he ends up with custody. threatens he knows how to do it, has connections and can falsify me as abusive and dangerous so that I am on the defense in custody, not him. the druggie abusive sex addict, and me being on defense! I know he is smoke screening. but i know what he is capable of. I have married a monster and I can’t get free. He is vicious when provoked. I am not safe. any move I make toward freedom will be met with adversarial punitive malicious treatment. am too exhausted to do so. Yes, he is that bad. And then some. I don’t have the fight in me. before I even start. I seriously have a possibility of never being seen again if he stands to lose too much financially. yeah, its like that.
I feel so defeated. I could cry. I can’t find my way out. I cna’t find safety. for me, or for my daughter. I just don’t know wht to do. I feel like I will never win. even an ounce of peace. even an ounceif you are divorcing, and your SAH is reasonable and overall cooperative– you’d better thank the heavens above. I am going to have an all out adversarial war, that will cost me aeverything. even risk my life as I know it.
tonight I go home with my tail btw my legs instead of meeting with an attorney. say yes dear to this ahole. who if I leave, has threatened my position, my ability to mother, that he “will constantly plan and scheme ways to ruin my life” “I have no idea of how vicious he can fight, and I will do the unthinkable”. he literally said that. he is malicious, has too much time on his hands. sorry people. but i take my life seriously. I feal if I file for D, I will end up dead. or lose my child. or have heart attack for his constant non stop threats and harassment. how many women get attacked even with restraining orders? happens every day. he will never let me go. never.
Police? he said, she said. I say he’s threatening. He says I make it up to make him look bad. so I can win custody.I wish his threats were not real. they are. IF I pull any money to get attorney, he will retaliate. I am no match for sicko. or a man. I am just a woman and mother. who wants out. pray for me. I feel no hope. pray for my daughter.
Pam,
First, be careful, don’t discuss anything with him anymore (no fuel for his rage). Secondly, you do need to file some type of report with some authority regarding his threats. He doesn’t need to know you’ve done that. Document everything, and give it to someone. Honey, is there a women’s shelter you can turn to for advice regarding his threats. Is he also doing meth? Sounds like it. I’m afraid for you.
Love, LindyDear Pam,
I am so so sorry that you are in this situation. I implore you to please seek some help. If you are that afraid being with him is not safe either. I dont know where you live, but there must be a womans shelter, or perhaps family? Please be safe and hold your cards close.
Will be thinking of you…
~BonniePam
you mentioned your dad. Is he near you? Can you stay with him? I agree with the other ladies. You must document everything and let on to nothing. Absolutely nothing
I know first hand of monsters and what they are capable of Especially those who do not appear as monsters to the rest of the world the way they do to their spouse (for once not my sah).
I believe you when you say you are afraid for your life and that you want out. You need to get out and most importantly get your daughter out as soon as possible
I understand leaving doesn’t assure your safety but hopefully it will improve the chances of your safety. Please look for a womans shelter as soon as you can
god bless. Where are you???? I am so worried Pamsorry to worry everyone. but as long as I go home and play wifey. it will be calm. it’s when i make move that i need to fear. my family is 3000 miles away. I cannot just take my child out of state and move. I am stuck in the home with him and his behavior. but as long as I play along, I will be safe. I will play safe. avoid rage.
Dear Pam,
Phew…this is serious stuff. It isn’t the same as advising a woman not to pay heed to some idiot’s antics because that is all they are. I just want to say I don’t think you can keep yourself safe longterm by appeasing him. His abuse will escalate and combined with substance abuse that can be a very volatile combination. Play along for now and when you feel stronger and calmer try to look seriously at what options you might have? I am worried about you. I wish I had something more useful to say. 🙁 Karen xx
Me too pam. Glad you feel u will be ok for now and wish we could offer more than our thoughts and prayers for u and your daughter. Xxoo
I know it goes without saying but If you are staying and playing along for now keep his hands off of your private computer or however you are accessing this site. Please stay safe! Xxxooo. Prayers coming your wayOh Pam, I’ve got the chills just thinking of the horrors you’re enduring. I echo annabegins regarding your computer… make sure he can’t access it or put tracking software on it somehow – no doubt he’d try that if his warped mind thought of it. Please, please know we’re all holding you close in our thoughts and prayers. Love, Liza
Get a tiny digital recorder and tape his threats. Take them to an attorney and ask what you should do. You need to have things documented along the way, before you file for divorce, so it does NOT look like you’re just trashing him for custody/settlement. Also, get evidence of drug use/drugs in the home.
I think your plan is a good one Pam. Appear cooperative, all the while doing every thing you can do to end this nightmare. Your h sounds very unstable and that is scary. I know you are scared, I can here it in your post. Make a plan and start to work it for you and your daughter. The best thing you could ever do is get away from your h. Your fear doesn’t lie, please let us know how we can help you. You are very bright however insanity trumps it and is dangerous. Please be safe and keep posting.
Love, Napand why can’t you have your father book two plane tickets and just plain go? Call in sick. Pack the suitcases, drive to the airport and board the plane with your daughter. What does your lawyer say? There just has to be a legal way that you can use to protect yourself and your daughter!
honey, I am scared for you. this dude is a hand grenade with the pin pulled out. I endured a childhood, filled with crazy and it only escalated over the years until he was threatening to kill us.
Did you get the watch with the recorder in it?
(((hugs)))
I wish I had more to add the. Everyone has. I was in a quite similar situation at one time. The coke makes them very unpredictable. It’s no joke. Not to mention the other substances you mentioned.
I like March’s idea.
Do you know if you live in a one party state? Meaning, can you record conversations when only one party knows about them. Some states both parties need to consent. If its across state lines… On a phone for instance… It’s federal and a two party issue.
If you live in a two party state, recording is useless. 🙁
Try to find out if you don’t already know. The way I see it, if you can get him recorded making these threats, he’d be dead in the water in court. He can follow through with his threats but see how much a judge believes him when they hear him threatening to do it.
There are tons of devices to record undetected. Perhaps your family can assist in purchasing them so he isn’t financially suspicious.
I know this doesn’t solve or even address your safety. But maybe a step in the right direction.
PamC,
Perhaps you could tell us what state you live in. There are many of us who would be more than happy to look up resources and find out what kind of help you can get in your area, please allow us to help you.
It’s probably a good thing that you are just being the “good wife” while biding your time. Wondering though how much time you have, because all his addictions will continue to escalate and he will become totally unpredictable at some point. That’s why you will need some kind of exit plan in place so you’ll be ready to go when the time comes. If you have a camera on your cell phone, take pics of anything that you can use as evidence against him. Do also record conversations, though you may not be able to use them in court, you will be able to let others hear them so that they know you are telling the truth. The more people you can get to understand your situation, the more help you’ll have in getting out safely.
Is there anybody nearby that could take your daughter for a day or two in the event you and your SA have a knock down drag out fight? You need to protect her from seeing and hearing any adult arguments.
Again, please feel free to ask us if you need anything. Even if you need us to look something up for you on the web. Be careful, because if he is smart he will look at your computer history to see what you’ve been searching for.
Much love, Claire
This is from an article written in 2008. So I’d still check urder laws. But it says the following states are two/all party states: California, Connecticut, Florida, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, Pennsylvania, and Washington.
In those states a person can bring a civil suit against anyone who records a conversation that can be reasonably considered private. So if you are in one of those states and record for reasons other then court, since it isnt admisable, be extremely careful who you let know about the recordings.
Hi Pam,
I am going through stuff here at our home. I did call DCF and they are insepcting.
Some of the questions they asked are am i suffering emotional abuse…think about that one pam. sounds like you are. You and your daughter are suffering emotional abuse, as well as his drug rages and alchohalism. He does not come home at night??
I think that you have been living in the crazy sooo long, we forget how bad all of this really is.
For the first time when i said h looked at porn in front of our daughter for two days that i know of for sure…someone took notice. Everyone around the sex addiction just says, well he is in recovery now, he won;t do it again. Crazy. And not right.So when you tell your friends what is going on do they say hey pam thats okay…no big deal….or do they say hey pam this is crazy you need to leave?? That is how bad it is.
You may want to take pro-active precautions at your work. Let them know what he threatened to do. I think you should also call the police or DCF or soemthing that he has threatened your life. You feel threatened. These guys do not need to say “i will kill you” because if they did, you could call the cops. But they will make your afraid for your life, and make you think…i am making a mountain out of a mole hill. This all means something. This is how these guys keep you, and as it gets worse he will resort to worse “punishement” for you. If you lose your JOB!!!! you are sunk. And by doing so, he is threatening to put you from a bad situation to a horrible situation. He is not playing games anymore. These are serious threats. You think you are stuck now, wait a couple of months while you are there, and he still systamatically destroys you. Just because you appease him, means nothing. If you lose your job, your goose is cooked. Do not quit your job.
Please be sure to document all of this is a diary or something. You want to have all of this prepared before divorce. A log of incidencies means something.
This situtation os not childs play anymore.
You are an abused women, and your daughter lives in an abusive household.
Call your states version of DCF.
Love,
FloraI do have to say there is no going back after all of this. You will need to leave if you notify authorities. He will im sure blow a gasket if you do anything. But this is your life and well being he is threatening now. And this HH is not safe for you daughter nor is it a safe environment for her anymore.
FloraPam,
Dear God in heaven send you clarity in each moment. I have so much to add. Basically, you are wise and strong and working this out with all the resources you have. More are on the way via these beautiful sisters. Just visualize that, pieces coming together, built by hands that care for you, building a bridge to lift you out and carry you across this.
Have to take my daughter to school. Will write more about practical concerns later.
Lifting you up today.
Dear Pam,
The is a very scary situation. I think our sisters have done well trying to clarify some facts of it, and suggest possible safe steps. I’m going to try and make a list because it might be easier:
1. be proactive at work—go to your HR dept or supervisor and report trouble at home with an addict, and the threats against you. Make a note of the date and time of those conversations.
2. Play it safe at home. Try not to antagonize him. All the while, however, you are working outside on developing a plan. Don’t tell him.
3. Check to see if you are a two party state. If you are not, and it is safe to do so, try to have threats recorded.
4. Go to a women’s shelter or agency for abused women. Tell them your story. THEY KNOW what you can and cannot do, and if the time comes that you need to go there to stay, you already have a relationship started.
5. It is holidays season. Remember that taking your child to see family would be a plausible reason for having taken her out of state. Who in your family can float the money for tickets out? Don’t assume that if you get out, he’s going to be able to get his shit together enough and stay sober enough to try and bring you back.
6. Start a secret bank acct if you don’t have one already. Start putting anything you can in it. I still have mine even thought I’m out of my mess.
7. Go to a lawyer only if you know why you are going. You don’t want information on leaving the state, for example, if it suggests you shouldn’t do ti.Flora is correct. YOu are now living in an abusive home with an man who is threatening you. Any agency that can help you with that is one to contact.
You and your daughter are now surrounded by Light. We are holding there. Be careful. Be wise. Know what outcome you want. Walk carefully towards it.
I will be calling in all the angels today for you.
D.Pam,
On a practical note, send your important documents somewhere safe that you can access but he’ll never guess and can’t get to. private PO box, friend he doesn’t know, etc. Things like: Immunization records, social security cards, birth certificates, deeds, diplomas, tax documents, real estate deeds, car titles and registrations, etc. You will need them to start over, and he may destroy them as part of his ‘war” tactics.
When I left my first H years and years ago because of behavior similar to what you’re now struggling with, he even cancelled my car insurance, then called the police and told them I was driving without insurance in an attempt to have my driver’s license pulled. So, consider getting car insurance in your own name.
And a bank account.
Maybe borrow a laptop to do your research on, or go to the library and use their computers. That’s a great calm place where children can be quietly busy while you pull all this together.
As far as your job, it would be hard to lose it. I don’t know what you do, but i wouldn’t let that be my anchor if being there is risky and H has contacts there. You can find another job. Start looking now. Just knowing you have that option can be freeing.
OMG, I’m so sorry that you are facing this.
I have a little house in NC, in a town an hour away from me now, close enough to Charlotte to have access to a good job market. It’s vacant. The neighborhood is not the best, but not the worst, either. It’s where I regrouped when I left my first H seven years ago. It’s been on the market for sale since I married my H and moved in with him. Maybe I’ll go there, but not for a while. It would take a week to get all utilities on and get it freshened up, but it’s furnished and it yours if you need a space to detox and plan.
MY God…..I stand in awe of the kindness, strenght and wise counsel of you ladies. I think those angels have arrived Pam. God Speed Karen xx
You are all so resourceful. And honestly, its nice to hear validation of how abusive and sick the situation is. I live in California it is a 2 party state. I would need consent.
However, he was dumb enough to threaten me via text twice. I believe I could go to the police with that. Also, I hve to find out about this, but if someone is being abusive, and I catch them on hidden camera, I think it may be legal. If he pushes shoves and threatens, that is abusive. My hope is that I can submit as evidence.
I ordered a mini camera watch to be worn on my wrist. So I have something in place.You prayers I think have worked. This morning I feel clearer, stronger. Last night he came to me and said “sorry for all his threats, and that if I want to leave, as long as I am “fair” (wtf) he will be reasonable.”
Now, you know that apology doesn’t mean sh*t because he is a sicko and addicted. However, some kind of light went on him. This is touchy touchy touchy—We once had an agreement that I would move out – get an apt–he would buy me out of the house “at some point” he won’t commit to buyout date. And I receive salary from business each month. I was unwilling to take it, because he probably will never buy me out, or buy they time he does the prop value will go up so far that he wont’ be able to carry mortgage. OR, the way its going, he wont’ be able to hang on to the home at all and I face mtg lates and/or foreclosure. At first I thought, hell no, I move no where until bought out properly by him. However, that is a fool’s bet. Perhaps I just take the exit and go. Do a legal seperation, for starters, see how the arrangement goes. File for D down the road. keep it flexible, modifyiable.
Or not. File for D. go to the shelter. give the texts to the PO PO. and say F it.
As far as leaving the state? I am going in January with my daughter for one week. It takes 3 mos to establish residency in MA. Also, SAH sicko, will file kidnapping charge. If I try to stay/live there. It can stick. I do not want to risk any criminal charges.
Pam remember when they show you who they really are believe them. It’s a good sign that he is feeling some remorse right now and playing nice, I think that is a gift and you should use this break in the action to get your future set. I think all your goals should be immediate ones. He is a ticking bomb. If you call a shelter they will be discreet, and know exactly what order you should do things. I think I would start there.
wow, I am always amazed at how smart our sisters are.
be strong
Heidi
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