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Lately I’ve noticed that I can’t seem to handle tense sitations as well as I used to. Not tense situations with SA but tense situations in life.
As most of you know, I live with my SA on a 5 acre property where we have one horse, two miniature donkeys, three dogs, and at least three barn kitties (one of which is pregnant and due any day). Well, it started this Sunday while SA was out front and I was out back, doing yard work. Suddenly the donkeys came running down from the upper pasture, totally panicked because there was the neighbor’s german shepherd chasing them. Donkeys are very fearful of dogs because they represent a threat, kind of like a coyote or wolf. I yelled at SA to come quick, and I began running after the donkeys, but they had busted through the pasture fence and were now in our other neighbor’s property. Meanwhile, two of the dogs got out because in all the activity one of us didn’t get the gate latched. Long story short, I caught the dogs, and it took us an hour but we managed to get the traumatized donkeys back and the fence mended. I had called the neighbor who has the german shepherd and he said “aw, that dog won’t hurt them, he’s very calm” I was sooooo pissed at this guy. All his (4) dogs run free and his property is not completely fenced. The often leave town and leave the dogs out. Not to mention, I’ve saved two of their chickens from being mauled by their own dogs, when they were away. And we’ve also chased local cattle off their property and saved their stack of hay from being eaten by them (and hay is NOT cheap), all while they weren’t home. This neighbor did not even come over to help us catch the donkeys.
Well, today, while SA was gone to work, my dogs started barking and took off out the doggy door. Low and behold, there was that german shepherd chasing the donkeys again. I took off running to chase the dog back home and while running up hill I tripped, skinned up both knees, scraped the palms of my hands, landed on my shoulder and my ribs on the left side landed on a rock. Now I’m banged up and I still have to see if the donks are okay. This time, the other neighbor was home and after seeing me fall, came running out with his gun, he was gonna kill that german shepherd. He asked if I was okay, and just then, my little Bella donkey walked up to me and sniffed my knees as if to know that Mom was hurt. I squatted down (because you have to in order to get face to face with them) and she layed her head on my shoulder. I think she knew I was trying to protect them. Any way, i called SA at work, he came right home.
So, the reason why fear keeps coming on strong with me is because I wonder how the hell I could handle any of this if my SA weren’t here to help me. I’m just a small lady and I’m getting old. So I’m so fearful that if this marriage doesn’t work, what will I ever do? I love my animals and I wouldn’t give them up for anything. The SA is doing well in recovery and I have reason to believe that we’ll make it, right now. But this fear is ever so powerful and it’s making me sad. 🙂
I’m okay, the dogs are okay, and the donks are okay, you’d think I could settle down. But I guess I just need to work it out in my head and we all know that takes time.
dear cbslife,
Your story just made me ache inside for you. I wish I could run you a bath with bubbles and make you some nice herbal tea to take with you. I think Bella donkey would have done as much too.
It’s hard to judge our own abilities right now because we are so worn down by the stress of the whole SA thing. I think you should give yourself more credit than you are, but also it is good to be practical. Asking what you can expect of yourself is fair. It might not be as much as you can do now with help from the SA. So adjustments might have to be made. But you aren’t getting older any faster than you were. These adjustments would be coming anyway, even with him around.
Can you try to think creatively about real options? Maybe it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. Forgive me for this, but in my line of work it is called the false ultimacy of dualistic thinking—-“either/or”, “all or nothing”, etc. You can find another path if you look for it. It will be there for you.Meanwhile, look at your picture and trust the greatness of the person you are. All will be well. All will be well. All manner of thing will be well (Julian of Norwich).
love,
D.Hi Cbs,
My heart ached too as I read your story. It ached for you and for your poor little donkeys. The neighbor sounds very irresponsible with his dogs and german sheperds can be so aggressive. I understand your fear because you love your place and animals so much. I wanted to share with you some thoughts which may or may not be helpful, just would like to share as a friend:My therapist hounds me about my self talk because I can really bring myself down if I let myself go there (and I have). One thing that is helpful is: “If it ain’t happening today, it ain’t happening”. This helps me a lot with “what if” thinking. I can really freak myself out with this type of thinking. If we/I can just focus on today, not worry about what may happen tomorrow (because often what we fear doesn’t happen) will will live today to the fullest and not be sad about what might happen.
Also, I lived on a farm until I left for college. We had an irresponsible neighbor too, and after the 3rd incident with this neighbor, my father contacted a lawyer to write a letter and send to the neighbor, basically saying any more animals of theirs on our property, the next incident would lead to a lawsuit so please in the the 30 days fix your fences, etc. We will not tolerate this anymore. We never had another problem with this neighbor. This may help, some people don’t get things until its in black and white. The fact it was sent from a lawyer got his attention. My dad was the most gentle and kind person you ever met, he did not want to do this but it was causing havoc on our farm. The fact you injured yourself and your donkeys are running for their lives, I think is just cause and an attny would likely agree.
Hope you are feeling better my dear friend, thinking of you today.
Love, nap
Hi cbslife,
So sorry about that situation! I’m the kind of person that says if you’re going to pick on me, fine, but leave my kids and my animals,and my aging Dad alone….must be infuriating for you to have to worry about your animals. I loved Diane’s and NAP’s advice….so applicable to so many situations we face. Hope you feel better soon.
MarieUgh. Just lost what I wrote. Here goes again. Any I love your donkeys, and would have shot the dog myself. In our state there are leash laws and also a law that you are not supposed to let your dog wander onto other peoples property. There dog is in fact trespassing and they are not doing anything about it. Check the laws in your state. I found this as I had put out vole poisen (mouse) as we had a bad mouse problem in our front flowerbed. A stupid brown dog as we call her was in the flowerbeds one early morning, and in fact was eating away at the mouse poisen. So i freaked, i called them, told them she was eating the poisen. Googled real quick to see if I was in trouble. In fact i was not, they were breaking the laws allowing their dog to roam. I no longer worry about to. So check the laws.
As far as worry. One day we are here, the next we may be gone. Nothing in life is guaranteed. Wether you stay or go with your SA you should have a plan of how you are going to take care of things. Nothing in life is certain. They say even if happily married, you should have a plan, you should always have your own account, keep up work skills, and keep your credit solid. I know many of us get comfy and don;t, but how much easier would life be right now if we had?? So there are no guarantees in life. Take care of what you can, put in place what plans and safeguards you can, and write it down. Its hard and i wish you luck. I love Donkeys…can they come when we have our SOS sleepover??
Love, Flora
Hi cbslife,
Your story made me feel so awful for you and your beautiful animals. I can imagine the fear and sense of overwhelm you are feeling, as I go through it myself. I agree with Flora in that we should have a back-up plan either way. I’ve been complacent in that area myself, letting days, weeks, months, and now years go by, getting caught up in day to day life. If anything, this SA nightmare has been a wakeup call in that regard. My own goal is to work on it one day at a time, and not try to look too far ahead into the future and panic.
As far as the immediate situation, I say yes, contact an attorney. It must be so stressful to worry about those beautiful animals.
Love ya and hang in there! ZGHi Cbslife,
AAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!! So frustrated for you. You have so much on your plate that you are sorting out. I am so sorry that you fell running to save the donkey. I feel like sometimes when we are experiencing all that we do, everything is so off balance. Did you just feel like crying after you fell? When these kinds of things happen to me, I do not feel like I have the endurance that I used to at allowing things to bounce off my back. This just makes me more frustrated with the fact that SA put me in this situation. I try to always back up and be gentle with myself. No, perhaps, we do not have the endurance for the extra bull shit that happens to us right now. But we are very strong woman for coming as far as we have. You are a strong person and will be able to handle anything that comes your way. Try to believe in yourself and your capabilities. You are a very intelligent woman and will be able to accomplish so much with or with out him in your life. I believe in you Cbslife!!!!Dear CBS
What a trying and stressful situation that, oh – guess what? You totally handled it. I am so impressed with your ability to gain control over the animals and pesky , irresponsible neighbor’s dog. So sorry you fell–but you also got back up. I think you have reason to celebrate a victory. If you could do that — even if it felt harder than it should–you still did it.
I too CBS suffer from the fear factor- intensely at times. How will I do xyz, what will happen if I do this, that, etc. And then I calm down. And try to look at what I have to do today. It is enough, for sure. love to you sister
Hi CBS – Just read your post about you and the animals. So sorry for you. If it isn’t enough having to deal with an SA, then something else comes along and throws us off track. I think you should really give yourself a pat on the back – you handled the situation so well. And, reading about the donkey laying his head on your’e shoulder was very touching. Animals are s-o-o-o in tune. I always say my dog is the only thing in the world I can totally trust – they love us unconditionally.
Hope the fall didn’t cause too much damage. I am still hurting from falling down the stair a few weeks ago.
Love to you and your’e strength.Hi cbs, I’m so sorry you had such a lousy time. My ex and I raised beef cattle (hobby farm)for many years, and I can remember when he was traveling on business and wasn’t there very often, and the times I had to deal with the animals in much the same way. It’s so hard!!
Just wanted to say also that I still have major anxiety and fear issues. There are periods of time when I fear everything imaginable happening, and I dream the most horrible things It’s awful, and I have to work really hard kicking that little devil off my shoulder when he whispers in my ear that I can’t handle anything that life throws my way. I hate it and I wonder if it’s the PTSD kicking in?
Anyway dear sister, know you are loved by a whole lot of people, and all those people can share your burdens so you don’t have to worry about going it alone.
Here’s some more love for you too, from me, ms lindy.Pam said it perfectly..you had a stressful and trying situation and you HANDLED it. The emotional and mental strain caused by our SA’s most certainly bleeds over into our entire daily life..I know there have been times when I feel as if I cannot do ANYTHING without having a panic attack {I have severe panic disorder} and the devastation I have in my soul right now just intensifies the panic and the “what if’s”. I am the QUEEN of “what if”.
I’m glad your animals are ok, I hope you’re healing up, and I want to smack your neighbor for you!Hurtheart – Sounds like EMDR might be the thing for you. It has worked very well for me in getting over my ptsd. I used to obsess, cry, hurt and feel traumatized over Steve’s addiction. Now, most of the time, I don’t give a shit! I might have a rare moment of ptsd, but mostly The trauma is gone.
Thank you so much, sisters. You all are great and wonderful women in your own right. One thing I realize after reading your responses is that I seem to always handle the situations when they occur, it’s afterward when the adredelin wears off that I start thinking those terrible “what if’s”. But you’re all correct in that I should celebrate the fact that I did handle it. Thank you so much for pointing that out for me. I went to the doctor today and she ordered a chest xray STAT. She said that I did not have any cracked or broken ribs, just that I bruised a couple of them. She said it will take 5-7 days, if I take it easy, for them to heal up. Other than a few scrapes and bruises on my knees, physically I’m okay. The reason I tripped and fell is because I had my boots on and they are not the best running shoes, but the water trough had leaked and the pens were muddy, so I had opted for the boots. Tonight after he got home from work we went out and hung field fence all around the areas where the donkeys roam. We worked on it until after 9 pm and we got it done. It’s a temporary fence and we’ll have to modify it abit to make it permanent, but at least now we can be sure that no dogs will be able to get after them again. The idiot neighbor with the German Shepherd has since apologized and said he will mend his fences to keep his dog in. He also said that if there are any damages as a result of his dog he will gladly take care of it. He was very sorry to hear that I got hurt and he felt real bad about that. While I appreciate his apology, I doubt that this will be the last time that dog comes in our yard. The sorry thing about it is that the German Shepherd seems to be a very good dog, but as everyone knows, it’s the owner, not the dog that has bad behavior. He needs to protect the dog and not put his life at risk by letting it run free. I hope that maybe he’s learned something through all of this and maybe now his pets will have a better life.
All your wonderful words of wisdom and caring has brought warmth to my heart. I love you all and I can only hope that I can be of as much support to you as you have been to me.
So, happy for this website. What a Godsend.
Cbs,
So happy to hear you are feeling better and that you didnt have any broken ribs. I’m happy too you were able to get a fence up for your sweet donkeys. The neighbor sounds like he’s come around a bit and I hope he is sincere about what he said.You’re a kind and sweet sister and love you sense of humor. Hope this all continues on a positive path for you.
love, nap xxooCbs,
I am so proud of you. I would love to sit at your place and see what your life is like. You are such a wonderful “mother” to your animals!
Also, I am glad your h is helping with these donkey issues. Remember, if you do choose to live without your h, we will all be here for you. JoAnn and all the sisters will give you help, one day at a time. Lots of hugs, B. Trayed
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