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I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted, but nothing has changed at all. I feel so trapped. I feel as if I am in a prison. I feel as if I am on a runaway roller coaster that has no brakes. I feel as if I am drifting on a deflating raft in turbulent seas with no sight of land or even a lighthouse to guide me out of this mess. Over 6 years of torture, about 2 & 1/2 since the initial d-day, and still I’m trapped here in the 7th circle of hell.
Sorry to be such a downer and sorry I haven’t posted in so long, only to come on here and post a “woe is me” rant.Oh dear one,
it certainly sounds awful, and I’m absolutely sure it is.
What can we do about this?
What’s holding you back?
What is sitting at the pit of your stomach?
Make a list. I’m serious. If we can get the combine wisdom of this group brainstorming on your list, you will have something real to work with.And don’t be afraid to post a downer. And don’t be afraid to try something new if someone suggests it. We never know how we are going to find our way.
meanwhile warm hugs to you, and I hope you sleep better knowing we’re here getting ready for YOUR LIST!
Hurtheart,
You have been on my heart!
It has been a long time, and I completely understand. There are so many times that I want to post and just can’t find the strength. We all care about you, and we are here for you. Do not worry about posting when your struggling. Diane has a great idea. Just put your words in list form. Let us brainstorm.
Sometimes when your in a turbulent storm at sea, you need to float. Trust us to help you ride out the storm. Your not alone!!!
Hugs,Cindy
Hurtheart,
Posting woe is me posts are why this site is here. Don’t feel bad for using the board for one of it’s many intended purposes. I wish I had words to make you feel better and answers to your problems.
Hugs, KimHurtheart,
Please know that I am thinking of you today, praying for you and rooting for you.Love
JulieHurtHeart,
I’m so sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time. I know that you were experiencing PTSD and panic attacks – have those gotten any better?
Please let us know what we can do to support you. This is a terrible road that we are on.
Are you still living with your “thing”?
Deb
Dear HurtHeart,
I am sorry you are struggling so…I wish I had the advice that would set you free. I really don’t know how you are going to go on this way and stay sane. 🙁 Karen xx
Dear HurtHeart,
I am so sorry for where you are right now, and I wish there was something I could do or say to ease the burden and pain you are going through.You know, we all understand it–first hand.
I think Diane gave some practical advice. Please consider it.
It is very difficult because 2 months ago I was in that same black pit. Now Im not. I left. I want to resist being a voice that just pushes to leave. But I do think that if you listen to your own voice, it might be giving similar advice.
Im not in that deep black hole anymore. Im astounded at how “well” I am. Id like you to get the same relief–some way, some how. How can we help?
Much love
~BonnieAmen, Bonnie. Once you are out of it, it is hard not to be a cheerleader for leaving. It is such a relief to be out of the living hell.
Leaving sure is one way out of the trap.
Hurtheart, I hope you find your own way to get out of your hell.
I feel both imprisoned and grief, ongoing. With or without the SA in my life, I suffer the trauma 24/7. What I believed to be a shared “truth”, of our relationship, remains shattered shards in my heart and mind.
Learning about the double life of my SA husband, the one person I allowed myself to be the most open and vulnerable with-I loved him wide-open, like a child. I cannot “unring the bell” of such profound betrayl and deception.
I no longer trust myself-after being involved with an SA.
Looking back, I have been involved with other SA’s.
I would still rather know than not know.
The trust I’ve lost is in my ability to see SA’s and Personality Disorders coming at me. The damages has scrambled my way of “being” in the world.
Most of the time, I’m able to maintain my own center of peace, stability and separateness from his illness.
I left in 2008.
I am in the mental health profession, almost 58 yrs old. Worked with sex offenders and their families, people who have taken another’s life, mentally and physically disabled, persons with addictions, etc.
I just cannot imagine going through this again.
No matter how much I learn about SA-it is so covert and private, it remains almost impossible to recognize after years and years of “knowing” them.
Recovery means it could happen again-I don’t want to live my life on-guard!
If I can’t see it under my own roof, I certainly cannot see it in a new person.
The damages hold me hostage to ever allowing anyone so close to me again.“NightFury” is from “How To Train Your Dragon”. Not a mean name. I feel like this story could be my biography, LOL!
At least if I end up going to Hell for some reason I’ll feel right at home since I’ve lived with the Devil all this time.
Night Fury,
At least you are able to articulate some of your feelings now. That’s progress! Hang in there.I think that these behaviours, no matter how we label them, are not well researched, documented, or understood.
Everyone has been poorly serviced by a what I call the first generation MRI machine offered by the Carnes clan. It is no longer serviceable but still purchased and used to diagnose and treat incorrectly with no real compelling results to speak for it.
I remain appalled at the academic and professional laziness in this area. If not for women like us saying “no” to the prevailing winds, where would we be at all? My point here, in responding ot NIght Fury, is to say our inability to recognize these men before becoming involved with them is not because we are deficient or dysfunctional people. It is because their capacity for deception and fakery is highly developed and in some cases perfected beyond the capacity of ordinary therapists to even recognize it. And I believe these behaviours are far more prevalent that statistics on sex addiction/compulsion would indicate. And they are probably increasing.
We have to speak our truth, with respect to the sex addict/copmulsive PDh in our lives, and with respect to the therapeutic models and practitioners. We have to hold our heads up and say You have no idea what this is about. Listen, and be educated.
IMO
D.I completely get what you are saying Night Fury. I think we all do. As Diane said, these guys are masters of their deceit.
How could I have possibly known? I can’t beat myself up for not beig psychic. Living in fear of “when with this will happen again?” is not a life anyone should be bluestones with. Even if I left my husband… I’d still wonder when will this happen again. Behind what innocent facade is another SA hiding?
Inge fully recognize that my H can walk away and straight to another unsuspecting woman and do it again. Or he can walk away, become a better man and have a truly healthy relationship. Those are his choices.
If I walk away this pain and distrust will follow me. It’ll infect any relationship I could have. I will always be analyIzing and looking out for behaviors or indications. I’ll do it with my H and I will do it with the next guy (if there is one) That is my husbands gift to me.
I completely get what you are saying Night Fury. I think we all do. As Diane said, these guys are masters of their deceit.
How could I have possibly known? I can’t beat myself up for not beig psychic. Living in fear of “when with this will happen again?” is not a life anyone should be bluestones with. Even if I left my husband… I’d still wonder when will this happen again. Behind what innocent facade is another SA hiding?
Inge fully recognize that my H can walk away and straight to another unsuspecting woman and do it again. Or he can walk away, become a better man and have a truly healthy relationship. Those are his choices.
If I walk away this pain and distrust will follow me. It’ll infect any relationship I could have. I will always be analyIzing and looking out for behaviors or indications. I’ll do it with my H and I will do it with the next guy (if there is one) That is my husbands gift to me.
And once we know, what do we do with that information is really huge. We can use it to propel and transform our lives or we can sit in it and try to swim upstream, getting tired, hoping for them to suddenly ‘get it’ and love us the way we want/should be loved. All transitions in life are uncomfortable. To have the freedom to choose, is a life savor. We don’t have to accept abuse from anyone. And we shouldn’t.
Amen, NAP.
I would rather live life on my own terms and be alone than waste another minute of my time with my STBX. I may be hurt and broken. I may never trust another man again. I may be in therapy for the rest of my life. I may have panic attacks every time I see something that reminds me of him. I may never completely heal. But all that is still so much better than living with the hurt, blame, and humiliation he inflicted upon me.
Diane, I hope I am not betraying a confidence when I tell you that my therapist is talking with Barbara Steffens about developing some partner-friendly tools to use for treatment with SA’s. Baby steps. If we keep raising our voices, we have the power to be transformative for the partners and families of SA’s.
I hear that women are refusing to go to therapists who do not use the trauma model. And you know where there is demand, supply will follow. They want our money- they better learn how to treat us- with respect.
hurtheart,
I was so glad to hear from you (although not glad to read that things are still the same). I think of you constantly. I love Diane’s idea–give that a shot if you are up to it. We will do anything and everything we can to help you. And don’t ever censor yourself on what you need to post–this is what SOS is for!!Night Fury, I love what you wrote and I so relate. I can’t imagine jumping into another relationship without ongoing scrutiny, worry and trust issues. God help any future man I end up with. 🙁
And I stopped going to my therapist who told me “PTSD” sounded “a bit strong.” OK, next time she gets the thrill of watching videos, on her home computer, of her hubby fucking hookers, I’ll get back to her on that. Sorry–just calling a spade a spade! We need to be heard. Let’s not stop until we do. Maybe a special group of women ended up on SOS for a purpose. Just a thought… 🙂Love and goodnight,
Julie (ZG)ZG, FWIW, I’m pretty sure *I* have PTSD from the thought of YOU having to watch videos of your hubby fucking hookers. I truly don’t know how one could ever hope to get past a betrayal of such magnitude. I hope you can someday find a way to erase those images from your mind. You deserve so much more from life, dear friend. Love, Liza
I am with you Julie!! Until the money dries up they have no reason to listen to us. I joined this site while I was still huddled in my garage trying not to puke. I was in a complete fog and could barely function. I had NO idea what was happening to me. The sister`s advice and combined experiences penetrated my fog enough for me to know what NOt to accept from therapy and my H.
I walked out on 3 therapists until I found someone that “got it”. My H has told his therapist that I will not participate in anything that remotely blames me. He is going to an individual intensive with Minwalla because I won`t put up with any Carnes shit…. I am not saying that intensives are helpful or not, I am simply following Julie`s point about the money….
I also got both of our therapists to re-write the “rules” on boundaries. I refuse to write “If you fuck a hooker then we will be divorced.” If I write any boundaries it will involve him bringing anger into my home or failing to be present during time with me or my children… He knows that there will be NO second chances regarding any SA behavior. No separation, no discussion, No “slips”….Hello divorce attorney.
Teri, I am thrilled to hear your therapist is participating in this endeavor. We have to advocate for ourselves because no one else is going to. I hope Stacey ( Annabegins) tells some of her Disclosure story soon. I was so proud of her. I felt like a Mom listening to my child accomplish something great. I spoke with her Friday Night. I won`t tell her story but she is ok and will share soon I`m sure.
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