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Where to start… I joined here last year and only looked around some. I felt that I had a handle on what was going on at home and that it wasn’t SA and that, at the time, he really was just grieving with the loss of his dad. I confronted him with what I had found ( CL ads and other sights similar) and he at first denied denied denied and then broke down in tears and told me how it was an escape and a way to feel due to him feeling responsible for his dad’s passing (his dad had a heart attack and he felt like he should of been able to prevent it).
At the time, I should of walked away- but we lived together, had 2 dogs and he had just asked my parents for permission to propose to me(even went as far as getting my grandmother’s diamond earrings for a stone for my ring).He then started to go to therapy and had given me all his passwords- everything seemed great and I went ahead and said yes and we got married a year later (this past November so not even 3 months yet)we also moved cross country…
I really thought all was going great and then I started realizing that he was using private browsing on the home laptop. That set off red flags, I would check his email but nothing there and nothing on his cell. I then discovered he changed a password to his hotmail account(not his primary email).
I then confronted him and he denied denied denied- called me crazy,on a witch hunt,etc.
So then I decided I needed hard proof so I posted a fake ad on craiglist listing his work area and that I was looking for lunchtime fun. After about 50 answers- none being him, BINGO he responded off his hotmail account and it was via a craigslist app for his cell (which he deleted by the time he got home).
I was nauseous and sick.
I confronted him when I got home and he swears that was the only day he did it (umm BS how is it that the only day I put up an ad you respond). He then turns and blames it all on me- I complain that I am not happy where we are living and that I hate the cold- I put all this stress on him and this is how he deals with it. (no reason for that). I then logged into his CL account and the only ad he posted was on the 1 month anniversary of our wedding when he was away for a work training- saying anyone real here, i can host,etc.etc.etc.Now, he says he has never actually slept with anyone but me in the past 3 years- but how do I trust that. even if he hasn’t I can’t emotionally handle all of this constantly or think of having a family with him.
And I know- it should never ever be my fault.
So then we went started to go to marriage counseling 2 weeks ago(so we are 2 appts in). On the 2nd appt we did 30 minutes together and then split the last 30 min into 2 one on one sessions with the therapist. I was first and the moment that SA left the room, he goes to me- he has a sex addiction issue- even though it isn’t technically considered a diagnosis- it is what is going on. He then went on to say that he is still in a denial stage and is no where near being able to come clean with himself and that along with these counseling sessions he wants him to go see someone else once a week.
Ok, I’m willing to try to work on this since we have only been married such a short time. Yesterday, i ask him what he got out of his session and he told me that he makes me feel sad and he has to work on that… That was it- so I asked how is he going to work on it and i got no real answer- I then asked well why are you going to a 2nd therapist and he said to work on my communication…
I then asked but what about the addiction- and he got mad and said what addiction, I don’t have a problem- I don’t know what YOU said to the therapist when I left the room but you misrepresented me 100%.
Girls it is so tough. All he does is tell me he loves me, he is in this for the long haul, he is in it 100% and is going to make it better.But then I find out he never deleted the email he said he did and as I check it I keep seeing more and more responses from CL ads coming in (all spam responses, but they show that he answered a lot more ads then he admitted).
I then also searched his hotmail name in google and came up with him on a site called predatorswatch.com- where they take people who respond to CL ads and put up their info(sort of a scam b/c they make the people pay a monthly fee to get their info removed) but the photo was a photo of his hard dick with his first and last name and email address.I know I need to move on- I am young (29) and know I can’t have a family with him- who is to say if he goes into any sort of rehab that it will last, I can’t bring this on to kids later on and I don’t deserve this much emotional stress.
I know I need to leave but it is so hard when he puts his arms around me and cries and says he loves me and that he is in it for the long haul…
I know this is long and not very organized, sorry- just not sure where to start.
Oh sweets what a load of crap you’ve been dealt.
It is hard but if you can you need out now.
My top advice would be to get yourself sorted financially so you start to separate out your money and ask him to leave.
Honestly, I understand you love him, but it gets worse the more they try to suck you in. You should be in the honeymoon period, not in therapy.
I know its heart breaking but you really do deserve better xxThank you for having the courage to reach out. And we all feel stupid for believing them, loving them, hoping for them—so you have lots of company there.
Your situation doesn’t sound very good. He isn’t even close to the edge of truth and nothing he says can bet trusted. Lying is like breathing to someone who resists truth. And yes, it very sad to watch, especially when you gave love and thought you received it back.
Here’s my list:
1. DO NOT GET PREGNANT.
2. start your secret money acct and see a lawyer.
3. See a trauma therapist to get the support you need.
4. Our view here is that marriage counselling is a waste of money and often damaging to you until the SA has been two years sober.
5. If you don’t have a job, get one.
6. Yes, he’s in it for the long haul—but you will be pulling his load of shit while his “recovery” hasn’t even started, and when it does he will quit and stop and start again, and you will be living on pins and needles, and then you will have baby and probably genital warts too, and he will still be in it for the long haul because he gets exactly what he wants whether he’s in recovery or not, and you and your children pay the price.
7. Get out now and advise him that you cannot take all the risks. He has to risk losing you forever. If you aren’t worth more than his hard on, then you don’t want him anyways.
8. Tell a small trustworthy support group so that you are cared for professionally by your therapist and personally by trusted family and friends.
9. Keep posting. One step at a time. We understand the terrible emotional conflict. We do. But we care about you more than him and more than the marriage. It’s that simple.
And we hope you will love yourself with each decision you make, and every step you take.Thanks everyone- luckily I have a job, but I would like to move back home and not stay where we are now so I am on the hunt for a job there. Working on saving money and figuring out what to do with the apartment since both of our names are on the lease- just think too bad you deal with it or try to sub lease it out..,
I need to not give in when he turns on the charm at home (making dinner, coffee in am, wanting to go out to dinner) need to remember that he is a master manipulator and even though he likes to have this picture perfect life, there is a secret life behind it.
Just got to keep repeating to myself- it will be ok and no one will judge me for ending a marriage after 3 months.
If they do judge let them. What you have discovered is totally unacceptable to you and does not bode well and the denial in him is such that you should not be prepared to live with it. Ignore the charm offensive – its not real.
If you can – get moving. If you’re only leasing can you get off the tenancy?
This sounds nuts, but in a way you’re lucky. You found this out when you’re still so young, before having invested years or decades in this marriage. The ‘sex addiction’ is usually only the tip of the iceberg, as there’s more often than not a serious personality disorder going on. And hon, it just isn’t worth it, especially while you’re still so young and have your whole life ahead of you. I know you can’t just switch off your love, but I hope and pray that you will not stick around for what lies ahead with a sex addict. You deserve so much better. xoxo
yes he is in it for the long haul. and you will do the hauling!
you sound strong and clear. be proud of that!
thank god that counsellor was straight with you. at least some of them can see through this SA shit.
i’m so sorry for your pain and confusion. the betrayal is devastating. you can do it. love and protect yourself first and foremost.
So sad that she has already deleted her account. Her story sounded eerily familiar to mine–1st d-day before marriage, followed by another and more lies. I sank 12 years more into it and Mr. “Im so sorry” became a nasty blaming asshole. You might get judged for ending a 3 month long marriage, but it sure beast the heck out of pissing away a decade or more of your life…..
Account isn’t deleted 😉 I had previously deleted it and reinstated my membership after the new discoveries- so looks like the system hasn’t caught up yet to it.
Please stay (on this site)! Even if it is hard to hear some things, the support here is wonderful and reading and seeing your story reflected in other peoples situations can help you to clarify your own. Wishing you so much luck!
Bonnie, there’s some glitch on the site that makes sisters look like deleted users temporarily. For instance, right now LisaK is showing up on my screen as a deleted user and you know for sure she isn’t! 🙂
Hi Starwinkle and Welcome Back! I thought your name sounded familiar – sorry the whole thing went to Hell in a hand basket. First off, do not, I repeat DO NOT feel stupid about this. There’s a forum topic floating around right now about our first WTF moments with our SA’s. Give that a good read and you’ll see you’re in excellent company. Do, however, try to learn from our mistakes. Oh, for a do-over! Great advice from the Sisters about the steps to take to extricate yourself from this nightmare. I would add only the following – DO NOT have unprotected sex with the asshole. (NO sex would be preferable, of course 😉 ) The last thing you want to take away from this is a lovely parting gift of an STD. Seriously. Many, many Sisters have had to live with the consequences and it ain’t pretty. Tragically, one of our Sisters posted recently that her SAH has tested positive for HIV. You cannot trust your husband with your health and very life. Please do me just this one solid. And also, get an annulment.
Oh Starwinkle – so sorry for what you’re going through. Trust your instincts on this…get out now while you are still young and don’t have kids. AnnieOakley also discovered her H after just a few months into their marriage – I’m sure she’ll chime in but she’ll understand exactly what you’re going through. But, really, unfortunately we all do. Whether it’s 3 months or 3 years or 30 years into a relationship, it’s shocking and traumatic and sad and horrific. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. My first discovery was 10 years ago and boy do I wish my eyes were opened up back then by a community like this. I’m not sure I would have “heard’ it but the fact that you’ve reached back out to this site shows you are more in control than you think – you’re taking the first step forward.
Hugs,
FCOh girl, listen to wise Diane and others. How cruel, so very cruel the way you have been treated. I recognize the patterns. They are unbelievable. How can someone who is blatantly lying, then work so hard to prove his true love for you. How could this even be possible – except by high risk taking, unfeeling, selfish monsters.
It is like getting drawn into the most horrific web that trashes our entire reality and puts our bodies at risk. Damn am I mad.
Get out, get out, get out.
From one whose PTSD lingers for years,
DesireeDear Starwinkle,
All sound advice above. I will only add this…IF you have a supportive family at home GO HOME. Don’t worry about a job, what people will say or some apartment lease. RUN don’t walk away from this situation. Your H is very ill and you will never have any kind of a marriage with him. Nearly every woman on here hoped her husband would be different…that he would change…that he could change? It rarely works out and is fraught with all kinds of difficulties. Do not give him any more time to lie to you or mess with your head. Get yourself away, grieve that he isn’t who you thought he was and then get on with your life. You are so lucky you are not in too deep. I know it hurts profoundly but it hurts even more later on and it hurts your children too. Run for your life and don’t look back. He is a pain train. Get another ride. Big hug Karen xx
Dear Starwinkle
This sounds like titbits of my history. I wish this site was around 27 years ago and I heard others who have been there say “Run”. Your experience is tough. You hold onto anything and you are so vulnerable as you search through evidence after evidence, and you keep telling yourself that it’s OK, he does love me, Right? Trust your gut feeling starwinkle, sadly it only gets worse. Honestly. Take courage in the journey of others on this amazing site, all the best.I am in a 30 year marriage. Run Starwinkle! Run far, far away from him. Have a real life. You deserve that and he WILL NOT give you that. He will suck the life right out of you. Don’t end up in my shoes. It is hard and it hurts but you will survive. We all are in various ways.
Please God listen to the sisters. I would give anything to have known this at 29. Please please please….RUN.
Stupid??? Not stupid Starwinkle. You like me have encountered a world completely foreign to you. I agree with the other girls. You are 29 and still independent so get out now. Don’t invest any more time in this man. He will continue his behaviour and with each discovery you will have layer upon layer of horrible memories to deal with. DO NOT have children because his behaviour will probably get worse and your choices will be limited because you will be financially dependent on him, not want to take the children from him etc etc. You are only 29 and you have what could be a beautiful life ahead of you. Strive for the beautiful life you deserve.
Just wanted to add my voice of support, Starwinkle. Sisters got it right- you are not stupid but I understand feeling that way. Now play it smart and get the heck out. You cannot leave fast enough. Don’t worry about saving the marriage. There is no marriage to save.
You are very smart and courageous for knowing as much as you do hon! It hurts like hell but run like hell back home to your family!
It’s so great that you came back to the site and have shared your vulnerability with us. We totally understand and have been there. Please listen to all of the sisters and run for your life. I was 29 when I had my first discovery (gaslighted, of course). I was pregnant with my 2nd child and didn’t know anything about sa and what I was up against. 20 years later (and a third child added), my life has been cut to the quick. You are young, without children and financially independent. Lose money on the lease if you have to, but get out now! No embarrassment for you – you haven’t been the one out f-ing around. And make no mistake, no matter what he says, if he’s posting and responding to Craigslist ads he is definitely having full contact. They all lie and say they were “just looking”, but fuck that! I’m stuck in a tangled web, but I hope to see you break free of this shit before it takes away the best years of your life.
Love and strength, AliStarwinkle – man, it makes me angry hearing this start with another young and loyal woman who has the best of intentions. Your H’s lies and manipulation sound so familiar. Please listen to the advice from these wise women – save yourself. Don’t wait. I hope this doesn’t sound horrible, but if you stay in marriage counseling and give him another chance when he’s in denial, there is a 99.99% chance you will be back here a year from now, or 5 years from now…regretting your choice.
I just separated from my SAH a few days ago, after 14 years of marriage, and we have two small children. Involving kids in this is wretched beyond description. My SAH did (and still does) the same painful manipulation it sounds like yours does. Saying one thing and doing the complete opposite. Like they are two different people. I don’t think SAs are capable of honoring their words. Listen to what he DOES, not what he SAYS (I am telling this to myself too).
Please learn from our mistakes. You deserve a beautiful family and life and you can still have it. Don’t throw away years on this like we did. You can get through this!
Dear Starwinkle
so glad you are posting here. and you are so spot on to his game, you are anything but, stupi d. in fact you are on to his game, early. and you are young. and you don’t have children. oh, please find someone worthwhile to procreate with. what this addiction does to families, is cruel and wretched, and for the long haul too. it never ends. don’t do it.!!
when you feel weak, post here. no one will judge. here to help. i hope you find a job near your home. and dont’ worry about the darn lease. leases and rentals get broken all the time. it will work out.sorry you are going through this, as a newlywed. it’ s not how it’s supposed to be.
i shared something with a friend tonight. my SA that i was married to 10 years, became addicted and abusive over the years. one thingi i did not realize about the relationship, until it became really evident, was that it was abusive. for a long time, i did not know what i was in was abuse, and that i was being abused.
the deceit, lies and cheating on you, are abusive. the lies keep you trapped in something, that is not real. real love and husbands, are faithful. CL – ads, not faithful, and are a sexual health risk. also, abusive to our health. the confusion we feel, is part of the trap. love one minute, — blame the next– for their own behavior. it is all a confusing, dizzying experience, that keeps us under their control.
take control back. and go to where you need to go to be safe.
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