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Starwinkle, i love your name! I am so sorry you are in this mess. But I’m glad you posted and reached out. You sound strong and clear. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. I’m 35 and just got out of a 4 year relationship with an SA. If I can do it, and if the women on here with 10, 20, 30 years and kids and grandkids can do it, you can do it. You are going to be okay but he is not okay. He’s not even ready to admit he has a problem. I believe that change is not impossible, but it is difficult and takes a lot of commitment. People can’t change until they are ready. He sounds pretty far from that, and from my vantage point, it is hard to see a scenario that doesn’t do a lot of damage of you along the way here- emotional, mental, spiritual and physical. I became unrecognizable to myself in a short amount of time. I am just starting to reclaim me. Prepare yourself, and get out. We will be with you all the way.
That said, I want you to know that whatever you decide to do, we will support you and be here for you. If you are still figuring out what you need, at least give yourself some space from the relationship, so that you can see & feel it more clearly. Go away for a little while. Spend time with people who make you feel safe and valued.Thank you everyone! It has been a huge huge huge help. Without these boards I would of put it back under the rug and pretended it wasn’t happening (I didn’t want to be embarrassed to my family that I just spent their money on a wedding and moved across the country with someone that allowed this manipulation to occur). I have now reached out to my mom and my sister and I am sorting out financials, where to go (looking for a job back home) and who will take the dogs(hopefully me, but he might fight really hard for them..)
He keeps saying how he loves me and we are working on communication and this is all a lack in communications problem, but I know it is all BS. boy will he be shocked in a few weeks when I leave and serve him divorce papers.
Bravo Starwinkle. You will make it.
I know it’s tough, but your life is worth it. It’s the only one you get.Also on a note to those who have SAs who are into trannies, bi,etc.- I found CL ads from a year ago looking for all of those and a photo of him in women’s lingerie (which he swore he didn’t even remember buying- but it was just something to “feel” after his dad passed away). SO yeah,another one who wants that perfect life on the surface- great athlete, great business guy, wife,2 dogs, but man a f*cked up secret life lives under it all.
You got this! Head up high – don’t look back until you are safely back near your family. Your REAL life awaits you!
Good for you, SW! I was going to say to make sure you tell someone – for me, it helps to know I have a friend who knows the whole story so I kind of feel accountable to her. She’ll support me no matter what I do but she’s a voice of reason in the times when I’m wavering (just like the sisters on this site are). I hope your family is supportive and proud of you for recognizing what a sick bastard he is and getting out now before it’s even more difficult.
Good girl. Bravo. Men who dress up in lingerie do not make good husbands. Your family will NOT judge you. They will know he duped you and will want you to run away from this abomination. How I wish I were you, Starwinkle. How most of us wish we were you. Now RUN home as fast as you can. Karen xx
Not to make light of this horrible, tragic situation, but, Karen, I think this is my quote of the day: “Men who dress up in lingerie do not make good husbands.” That made me laugh out loud, at the absurdity of this all.
Starwinkle, I don’t know you, but I am so proud of you for grabbing the reins of your life and getting ready to leave him! Reading this thread has been empowering. Somehow seeing you make this discovery, seeing the advice you got to “RUN!!!” and seeing you post that you are getting ready to do just that, is just so heartening!
I just got this powerful visual in my mind of all of us in a concentration camp, slowly dying, but we are staying and trying to tolerate the insanity, hoping our tormentors will get better and see the pain they are causing. That’s what I’m doing, anyway. But you are escaping this prison, and we can all rejoice in that! You go with the blessings of all the sisters, I am sure.
Please post more and share your journey with us all, and get love and support here.
anony
I couldn’t of done it without all of you. we had a horrible blow up last night- I got into his old secret email account (which he stopped using in august after I started to get a grasp on things) and I really went into it( I had never done that before). I found a video of him and 2 others guys all getting each other off that he was emailing out to people. I found hundreds of ads that he responded to.
I found 10 ads that he responded to on my birthday- the birthday where he was going to get me a cake(b/c I love carrot cake) but then he got too busy at work and forgot…. I found hundreds and hundreds of gchats in the chat history.
So I have now discovered that he did cheat on me- with women and with men.
I found out he had sent photos of his dick to joint friends (people I didn’t like due to the fact that they are swingers- but we know them through sports- we are road cyclist and it isn’t a huge group of people). I feel horribly embarrassed that he did that.He then went on to yell at me for bringing up things that were in the past and over with and that I knew about this(but I didn’t b/c when I discovered that email account he very quickly got defensive, pushed me away, grabbed laptop and shut it down). Last night he tried to do the same- he tried to gab the laptop, push it down, etc.
There was one girl that he had talked to on his private email that I had seen in his normal gmail acct before- I asked him about her he said I don’t know her. I searched her on FB- she lived locally, he was her friend and she had a mutual friend.
I went on his gmail and she was on- i started talking to her like I was him- she asked why are you going backwards, you have been trying so hard to be good since you got married- i have been cheering for you to be successful. I then wrote back and said but why- it was fun we had fun,etc. etc. and she went into being yes but i’m sure your wife isn’t ok with you doing it while married and then I said- but what is the difference and she responded- I thought you had an open engagement. You were just scared about being married.. (which does not explain months of online searching and reaching out to whores and apparently cheating).
But boy oh boy, that was even more of an eye opener since I am the one who slept on the couch last night- he says I can’t leave b/c of our lease I can’t take the dogs. etc. etc. and goes on and on into why am I dwelling on the past- that was then, now is different.
But it is all lies. lies lies lies. and due to his ability to lie I can’t ever trust him.
I came to work today without my rings on. I am going to stay in a hotel this weekend.
I am depressed and constantly want to cry- but I have to remember that there were days when I didn’t need Ambien to sleep at night, when I wasn’t so stressed. And I will get back there.
I am so so sorry you are going through this Starwinkle. I will tell you that whole “dwelling in the past” thing is a classic SA defensive ploy. Straight out of the SA handbook. Don’t bother listening to that shit. You are not dwelling in the past – this is your present and very much your business. He’s a selfish ass. I so hope you take the dogs with you when you go! They deserve better than him. And whatever you do, don’t let him tell you what to do. Ask anyone else who you trust for advice on the lease and the dogs, etc., but don’t listen to a word he says about ANYTHING. Oh, and take back your bed too. Put his ass on the couch. God, I hate these fuckers. I’m so glad you are getting out ASAP.
ClareK said something to me that I keep going back to…”there is no statute of limitations on betrayal”! The SAs – straight out of their handbook as Daisy says – want to keep changing the line in the sand – “but after X day, I was a good boy”, no “after this day, I was very good”…blah, blah, blah. It doesn’t matter before or which date, the fact is they were and are – and more sadly, always will be – sick bastards. SW – sorry for more discoveries but consider it more evidence that you are doing the right thing. Did you print any of it out? Or send it to yourself? Gather any and all evidence now while you can.
Dear Starwinkle,
You have already stayed too long. Too hell with the lease and his twisted email. I know it is hard Darling but you know enough and you cannot listen to anything he says.He will ake you feel crazy and trap you. Quit your job but don’t let him know. When he goes to work take your dogs, any paperwork you need and go home. Let the pr-ck take you to court. I am certain you can have this marriage annulled. Its a travesty. Karen xx
@liza LMAO exactly.
He logged in and deleted the email and changed it so any recovery of it goes to his cell phone… he grabbed the laptop out of my hands and he is real good at deleting it.
He called an emergency appt with the therapist today- so now all he is going to hear is me say – I am protecting myself and my self worth and I am getting out now. I will no longer deal with any of your baggage, your BS,etc.
Emily
Take those dogs and skip down. After all, possession is 9/10ths of the law. (I’m not a lawyer, but I do watch Judge Judy every day.)
Liza – you crack me up!
Karen’s advice is great – I know it sounds like a drastic step but DO NOT let this MFer suck you in with his “emergency therapy appointment” bull shit. I’m afraid the longer you stay, he’ll keep trying to suck you back in. You found video of him wanking or sucking off two other men..at the same time. Gross!
emily,
stay strong girlfriend. don’t let him use the dogs as pawns. don’t let him intimidate you in any way. you get yourself safe and sane. everybody else comes second.
Starwinkle if you were my daughter I would command you out of there asap. Pack it up, take the dogs and any proof you have. Take the lap top with you. Send proof to the land lord and ask him to please take your name off the lease. I am a landlord and I would take your name off if you called me! Some landlords are human. And the one left living there is really the one who will have to pay. Do everything to take care of you. Strength and hugs to you
Heidi
Starwinkle/Emily, my daughter’s name is Emily. If I could, I would come to you right now, pack you up (and the dogs of course) and take you away from there. That’s what I would do if you were my Emily. Actually, I’d murder the cock sucking (literally) bastard who treated my daughter that way. And send all the wedding bills to his estate.
Hugs to you dear girl,
DaisyTell the landlord your husband has been engaging in gay orgies and that you aren’t safe there. That should get his ass kicked out of the apartment too.
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