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HELP!
My husband has not been using a PC at home for over 2 years. After the last huge arguement we had about it, he sold his Laptop and only used my PC very occasionally and with me about.
Since I have hidden myself away in the spare bedroom, he’s brought home a IPad and I know for what purpose but it’s not really in my face, since he hides it as soon as I come downstairs. He also watches Porn on the TV downstairs and over the DVD player with his USB stick, but again, he thinks I don’t know.
Since my husbands work is with PC (he’s a IT-Admin) we have loads of PC at home but the only two in use are mine and in my bedroom.
Yesterday I noticed some installation CD’s for Windows7 and other programmes on the table downstairs. Today he brought home a keyboard and not even tried to hide it. No doubt he’s about to get one of the PC’s ready for the internet and dive right into his porn slumb and just the thought of it makes me freak out!!!Even before I moved out of the bedroom into my own room it wasn’t so much the fact that he still used porn that bothered me, it was the fact that I had to live in a house that felt more like a sewer to me. It’s making me feel sick, ill and dirty.
I have always been well aware that as soon as I leave this house he would get back into his disgusting habit full force but I am almost paralysed with dread now I realise that he’s not even going to wait until I’m gone. I feel like I am about to freak out. I want to scream and shout and smash things up…
H E L P !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear Mortified.
Sorry for your drama. Please don’t freak out, it only makes us look crazy and they LOVE that. See it’s HER with the problem kind of thing. Don’t give him reason!
On the porn thing, perhaps “confronting the sex addict” on the other site mb helpful. I think he needs to know that you “know.” Also, when “we know” that they are up to something, and don’t call them on it, we secretly “allow” the behavior to exist. I don’t believe we are responsible for the behavior, that’s them, but it must be called out, named, and addressed. It’s the only way I know to make them accountable. Why do you have a PC- we have an agreement-no PC’s? Or whatever. These guys will break every boundary if we allow them to. I am learning that as well.
Perhaps no internet in the house? only on your computer? I dunno. yes, we are the behavior / boundary police sometimes. that’s all I know. sorry, you are suffering.Hi Pam,
thanks for your fast response. Unfortunately I am not really able to confront. We have sort of split, we both agreed it’s not working, he knows I am moving on after my therapy, we both are more or less free to do what we want – which is why I don’t say anything anymore. It’s his house too, so I kind of need to put up and shut up. If he kicks me out, I have nowhere to go… That said, I cannot tolerate him downloading all that filth right under my nose, it makes me want to jump out of the window. I feel like I am living in a whore house!!! I have seen what kinda filth he’s looking at, it’s sickening beyond words.I am scared, scared of myself because I know that as soon as he has his PC in the living room all hell will break loose. I will explode!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart is pounding in my head already.
Dear Mortified,
got it. Now, what about you? If that is the arrangement, are you free to do what you want? If so, I think you should be dating and not concerning yourself with an active addict/porn junkie. Unless your a glutton for punishment. He’s made his choice- his porn, not you. However, I am concerned because you are very upset for someone who is supposed to be moving on. Mortified, let it go. Just let it go. Unless you want to be continually hurt, there’s no use checking on active addicts porn usage- Why bother? It’s like putting our head in the oven and expect not be gassed. Perhaps you can revisit some kind of no porn or pc boundary until you are out of the house, or get busy dating and put your energy elsewhere so you are not around and bothered by him so much. It’s the only thing I can think of to do. If you have agreed that you will both move on and not reconcile, moving on should be the priority, not what he does with his sick self. It’s an exercise in futility. I am under the same roof w/a non recoverer as well–I don’t bother.
Mortified i know how it feels to be trapped with no way out i maybe out of line here and i only mean to maybe give you the feeling that you have a back up i read on your post how you have a large collection of records and cds and other stuff it could be your ticket to freedom. when i filed for divorce from my fist husband he took everything and left me with 4 kids and drained the bank accounts i sold everything to get the money to pay a lawyer 4000.00 retainer and to hold my family together Maybe just knowing you have a way can be enough for you to step back and let it go
I need to chime in here. Why is it acceptable for him to have that junk set up in your living room? You have an agreement and that should include boundaries to stop his behavior from harming you. If it is indeed your home, too he should have to keep that junk in his room and his personal space. not shared living space. I think you need to have a chat with him. His behavior and addiction has harmed you enough. surely he is not so sadistic as to allow more damage to be done. i am hoping he is just being blind to the effect that it would have on you. I think as soon as he sets it up you should send a clear message by taking it down and setting it outside his room with a note asking him to respect your need for a peaceful shared area and to please keep it within the confines of his room. Just because you have an agreement to move on with your lives and you both know the inevitable is coming, shouldn’t mean causing further trauma to you and taking away the safety and peace within your home. Surely your arrangement benefits him in some way as well?
Just a thought, but I think you should definitely have some say in that matter. You cannot control what he does with his addiction, but you should be able to set some boundaries to what degree you allow yourself to be further injured.
Lori
thank you all for replying to my cry for help, it helps to just know that I am not completely alone in all this anymore.
Pam, I am only concerned because with him setting his PC up in the living room, which indeed he’s done this morning, he’s fuelling my anger, fear and repulsion again, because it’s right there in my face. These past few months he’s been trying to hide what he was doing and although I knew, it wasn’t blatantly in my face. He pretended to not watch porn but be a ‘good boy’, watching TV. I can’t leave this house, this has been my problem for 18 months or so now. Each time I left, I HAD to come back. I don’t want to be here. I hate this house and I hate him and what he does. I don’t want to even think about it but now I can’t avoid it. It’s being forced on me and that it was makes my blood boil. I feel totally helpless. Well I AM!Katt, good thinking about selling some of my stuff and I had already looked into that but I wouldn’t even get a fraction of what my collection is worth if I sold it as a lot. I have already sold some of my CDs last year, for peanutz. It’s not even worth the time I put into it and it breaks my heart too.
lori, it’s HIS house and he constantly reminds me of that too, as well telling me it’s his life and he do what he wants with his life and in his home. If I don’t like it I am free to go… yes, very funny (NOT) He knows that I have nowhere to go, he knows I have to put up and shut up. If I as much as touched his PC, he would probably go nuts. He does scare me, he’s really showing his true colours lately and I don’t know what else he is capable of. I wouldn’t put anything past him anymore. *sigh*
Guess I’m as stuck as I feel I am 🙁
Do you have a shelter for abused women in your area? If so, they may be able to direct you to an agency that has the resources to help you with housing. It sounds like you need to find a new place to live. It may seem like there are no options, but sometimes there are more possibilities than we think.
Mortified,
In Marsha Means book, she talks about learned helplessness. I think this really describes you. You are a stong woman and I would bet you can find a way out with a lot of brainstorming and some help.
Friends? Family? A shelter? Anything to get you out and empower you again.
I know you have alot of really big obstacles in your way. When do you leave for your in patient thing? What is stopping you from going sooner?
I read on another thread that he isn’t mistreating you much and he may not be physically mistreating you but the psychological and emotional torture is just as damaging, if not more so than physical.
You say you are cooking and cleaning and such for him. Could you find someone who has a room for rent in exchange for those things?
I did a phone group recently with Marsha Means Co-author of “Your Sexually addicted spouse” She described learned helplessness. A frog is put in a pot of water. Slowly the temperature in increased until he is boiled and cooked and he never makes the attempt for escape because the temperature is increased so slowly he has learned to cope with it until he is cooked. He never even realizes what is happening to him. I hear that some with you. Your water is boiling and you have grown so accustomed to it that you can’t see a way out.
There is a way. It may not be able to happen tomorrow, but I am thinking it could potentially happen sooner than you think it could. Look for other women that are in a similar situation and see about a roommate situation. A nanny. I live in house keeper until you can be on your toes. A woman’s shelter.
Hugs to you. You are in a difficult situation,
Lori
Thank you Sunny and lori for trying to help me.
Yes, perhaps I am like that frog in a way but it’s not that I never tried to jump out of the boiling water, I have been forced to keep jumping back in it.
I went to woman’s shelter about 18 months ago, might even have been before, I don’t exactly remember. It was horrible. Totally crowded, many foreigners, 4-6 people in one room, mixed adults and children. Lots of noise, people even having to stand in the kitchen to eat with their plates in their hands, because there was no room left to sit. Nowhere to retreat, noise and voices everywhere. I was going insane to even think I would have to stay there. I got some advice and left again.
I got in contact with another woman’s shelter in another town via email. I poured my heart out and even felt ashamed at explaining my situation – I never even got a reply to my S.O.S. mail.
I went to a Charity Orginisation, made the appointment via telephone. When I got there, the woman couldn’t even recall making the appointment with me. Luckily I had taken the email with me in which she confirmed the time and date, because it had the address on it. Until I showed her it, she almost shoved me out of the door again. She made it very obviously that I was a inconvenience to her as she ushered me up the stairs and in a very unfriendly tone of voice told me to sit in the corridor and wait until she finished what she had to do. I sat there at least 45 minutes, wondering even if she had forgotten me again. Then a woman walked past me, straight in to her office. The two of them were chatting like old friends, laughing and joking. After listening to them for 30 minutes I got up and left. I felt totally deflated and humiliated, after having such high hopes before I went there.On one occasion I left my husband after another big discovery of deceit. I went back to my hometown and registered with a few employment agencies. I also went to the unemployment office and explained my situation there. They told me that I could get benefits if I leave my husband and I was given a list with the max. amount they would pay for accomodation. I drove back and forth on many occasions looking at flats, they were always either gone before I got there, or they wouldn’t rent them out to unemployed people. I spend what little savings I had on them trips for petrol and the odd night in a cheap hotel.
I spend many nights sleeping in the car. I had to use toilet and wash facilities at places like McDonalds or Burger King. I went days without hardly eating or drinking anything, because I was short of money.
I went back to the Unemployment Office when I really hit rock bottom, broke, a bad back and cold from sleeping days in the car. She phoned someone at the town hall who was in charge of arranging accommodation for the homeless, allocating beds on a daily basis. She asked him if he had a bed for me for the night. He said he would have to make an exception, because the hostel was men only… at that point I broke down completely. I realised what had become of me. I refused to go there. I cried buckets, she said she wasn’t going to let me leave her room, she wanted to phone an ambulance and have me taking into hospital because she considered me to be in no fit state to be left alone.
I managed to calm down enough for her to let me go without phoning anyone. It was a NIGHTMARE!
I went crawling back home- I felt I had no other choice.Please don’t think I haven’t tried to get out of here. Believe me I have, endless times! I just keep running into walls or doors are being slammed in my face. I have only written a bit of all I tried, there were so many other occasions I wasted my time and ended up feeling more ashamed and more down and depressed afterwards.
I have no friends in this country.
I can’ get a job now, because I am going into hospital soon but have no fixed date yet. I am still waiting for a letter to come through. Even then, I have also checked the box with the 24hours notice admittance, so even if they say I will get admitted in a 4, 6 or 8 weeks time, it could be tomorrow.I do actually realise that no one can help me. I just hope that there is some purpose in my suffering, that something good will come of it in the end
I am very new to this site. I have been going through this for 1 and 1/2 years of my 2 year marriage and I am at my wits end. I feel for everything that you have said, even though I am on the other end. My husband lost his job over the summer and even though it wasn’t a part of the dismisal I know that his porn and masterbation usage at work had a large part to do with his being let go. I am the money maker and always have been but not by such a large margin. But now everytime I try to get him out I get the guilt trip of him not having enough money, and his family won’t take him in. I feel like I can’t win with him. I do know one thing, I need to work on me again and finding another man is no where in that. I thought after my past relationships and I had worked so hard on me being me and knowing who I am that I had actually found the love of my life. Damn was I wrong. This is the worst hell that I have ever gone through. I may not have words of wisdom on how to get out of your situation but I can say that you need to spend all of your time learning who you are and being YOU! No men involved. That means even if you are still in the same house together and being roomates. Do what ever it takes to figure out who you are and what makes you happy!
Hello lissamae,
I am sorry that you also going through all this pain and heartache but glad that you came here to find and give help and support. The Sisterhood is a blessing indeed.As for your situation I can only say KICK HIM OUT! I wished I was in a position to call the shots, I would have kicked him to the curb long ago!
Don’t let feelings of guilt influence your decisions. He has been selfish all along, without guilt or thoughts for how that makes you feel. Why should you do what he never did? If his family won’t take him in – TOUGH! that’s really not your problem anymore. He made his bed, let him go lie in it – if that means a sleeping bag under a bridge.
Don’t let him manipulate or fool you anymore. The pron, finding a new job and somewhere to live are HIS problems! He’s created enough for you to work through and come to terms with!I do agree that life now should be all about me and I am no longer afraid of starting again on my own. I do actually like myself enough to keep my own company. A man most certainly won’t be featuring in my life at the moment, I don’t have the necessary trust.
I have had trust issues all my life and now they are really HUGE, so I can’t see myself in another relationship ever really.You look after yourself, put yourself and your needs first and kick that loser out! I would make that my priority if I was you.
Hugs for ya
lissamae,
My Sa is the same, does not make a whole lot of money, and is all his doing. He is lazy and expects everyones to take care of him. So he is living at this parents. So like mortified said yes, he made his bed and he can lie in it. Its not your problem that he got fired from his job. This is a consequence to his own actions, let him feel it!flora and issamae mine is the same i pay everything,i do all households duty’s,i chop wood, i fix,rebuild,am always by his side to remodel this house i use drills,chop saws,i sheet rock,tape, mud,sand, i gut and take down walls, i clean up his messes,i shovel snow…….to no end this year. the funny thing is his ex did nothing he cleaned,cooked,worked and handed her the money,he did the wash when i say everything i mean everything i know this first hand i saw it she only did what she wanted to do shop and spend his money.she would belittle him in public,at parties, I just told him today that he tried harder to make her happy than to save our relationship.i asked him today is he BSing me or is he BSing him self because ive come to the conclusion its me 6 months into recovery and i see nor feel anychange so what is it???????
Katt,
what I have come to realize is that whether or not the addiction is cured or whether they are in recovery, the underlying selfish ass is still there. In other words the user (meaning him using you, while he eats bon bons) will not go away. The lazy ass that sucks the life and soul out of us, will still be there.I am same as you although almost a year later, and it has not changed.
I have told him several times that I need or did need his help, and got knowhere. It is as if he knew eventually I would learn and do it all myself. Well I will, its just we will be divorced. I am no longer playing this game.
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