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Having a bad day today. This SA of mine is doing everything right. Disclosing, honesty, trying to be loving-really tugging at my heart. I walked by him a while ago and he patted me on the butt. Now, I know this is all manipulation, or a desparate attempt to get me to change my mind. Some of it is sincere and some is not.
Anyway, somewhat tearful. Is this normal at this point in
time? I should feel anger-I’m filing for divorce. Instead, it is just having feelings of saddness.
No way in hell would I consider changing my mind
(Pure insanity), but am just expressing the feelings I am having. It helps.
Then to top things off, last night, my sister was talking on the phone with Steve before I picked up. When we start talking, she says, “I feel so sorry for him-he is just so sweet.” “If I were you, I would just have to figure out a way to live with it.” GOD HELP HER.
It is things like this that make a time like this so difficult.
Love to you Sister’s.Sharron…how many times have you said this?
“This SA of mine is doing everything right. Disclosing, honesty, trying to be loving-really tugging at my heart.”More than I can count. A zillion. Every other month, every other week.
I don’t know how many times you have said that he is doing everything right…I really cringe and get a sick feeling in my stomach.
Sharron he is not doing anything right. If he was doing everything right..why are you in misery, why does he like 600 pounc crushing, why does he do what he does…where is he doing everything right? Where do we begin to see these guys for who they are, rather than who we hoped they be less their addiction? Because that is who they are. If they choose not to get better, that is all they will be. But truth be told, it will always be lurking.At what point do we stop taking this? at what point do we say we deserve better? At what point do we decide not only do we deserbe to have a good an happy life…we deserve to have that and never be abused, tortured, made fun of??
Steve has made an offer for you to be SAFE. For you to be able to have a life. Why do you not take it. Why do you fall for it time and time again?
I don’t mean to sound harsh. I just have heard you say this so many times. Is he really doing everything right. Really? My guess is he is not. He just is hiding it better. Because he cannot be one way, and then another the next week. All are one in the same.
sharron you have been here before, and you do know the drill.im so sorry it happens this way but you have to hold your ground. just say its all real in a year or so hes still getting it great then it was meant to be. what i would do get divorced have the paper and your security what happens after that just is. you dont have to be married to be together but you need all the security you can get and have. once you have it its yours.
I will add a smiley face. I don’t mean to yell. đ
But i just want to put your post into perspective. I hope i did not step out of bounds.Dear Sharron,
Among many things, one of the most difficult to live with is their inconsistency in their behavior. Â It’s like the wind, like trying to grab smoke. Â You can’t count on it and you know it. You may be enjoying it right now however you know it’s not going to last. Â People who are truly kind and loving don’t throw curve balls. Â They don’t pull the rug out. Â PLEASE DO NOT play into it Sharron; you’ll get burned, again.
Love you, Nap
And, you do not have to be married to be jerked around by them either.
Sharron, you have finally overcome the ONE obstacle that you have said for the last year and a half that was keeping you tied to Steve.
Finances. You couldn’t make it on your own.
Now, he has agreed to give you enough money to allow you to live comfortably for the rest of your life.
You should be jumping for joy.
So why are you still toiling over his crazy behavior instead of happily planning your new life? One day of phoney nicey-nice and a pat on your ass does not make up for what he has done to you, or change what he is.
If you stay in that house with him he will do everything in his power to make you stay–he’s sick and he’s terrified of abandonment. But, as soon as you let down your guard–you know all to well what will happen. You know the drill, you’ve been through it way too many times.
Get your divorce agreement written and get out.
I think you all heard me wrong. I am going through with the divorce, in fact we are seeing his financial planner in a.m. to make arrangements to have his monthly annuity alotment sent to me. After that is settled, my attorney is adding it to post nump and divorce decree- she will file.
What you did hear me say is he is tugging at my heart. There are still feelings and it still hurts. I can’t help that, but I can help what I do about it and I’m doing it. What I meant about him doing everything right is that he is pulling out all strings. I didn’t mean it in a good way.
Cut me some slack ya all. I know you all care, and I know you are afraid I am not going through with this – I AM! I was just looking for a little support today when I am down.
Love ya allWe love you Sharron, that’s why we are not going to let you slip down that rabbit hole again.
We are holding on to you with all our might.
Sharron,
I’m sorry for your pain and I only wrote my post because I care about you. Leaving someone is painful and I apologize if my post upset you because I would not want to hurt you. Care about you!!!
Love, NapHi Sharron, I support you as well.
But maybe i am wrong in my thoughts. When i divorce my husbands, i was done with them. And being done with them i did not allow myself to have warm and fuzzy feelings for them, i did not allow myself to feel love for them, i did not allow myself to fall into that trap. I was done. and i needed to get used to my new done state. I needed to let go and move on. Fleeting moments are acknowledged, but no more. I think to do what you are doing, may cause more trouble for you. My cause more confusision, as you have not shut the door, your heart and head are still open to see hope and i think this will do more harm than good. My htoughts are now replaced with, you are doing the right thing, it had to be done. You cannot allow others thoughts and feeling to pull you around. This is not good for you. Not in one bit. It will cause more pain and sadness for you. I know you can’t flip a switch, however at some point we need to do what is best for us. We can’t continue to dwell on something with a man who is bad for us because we feel close and loved…we need at some point to take the upper ground and acknowledge that these thoughts are not healthy. And serve no good purpose. To wile away your while life pining for the one that got away…even though he was a loser. At some point we have to do what is better for ourselves. I don’t know if this makes sense or not. I could be entirely wrong.
Love,
FloraAlso for instance. My h always held my hand and hugged me, kissed me etc. I miss that most right now. I could memorialize him and say he did those things he is so kind and wonderful, maybe i should not have left him. Rose colored glasses. But i do not forget the bad.
Your choice is yours Sharron, whetehr you stay or divorce. But i just don;t want you to forget what is going on. Forget about the bad. The bad is the abuse, and we tend to glaze it over for the good that we get. The merry go round of emtionsions. This is it Sharron. This is why women stay hooked in bad relationships.
I support you, as you know no matter what, but as a friend who has been here along time, through all of this, i don’t want you to forget.
Love,
FloraFlora- You are so right. I am working on the detachment, but when I love-I love hard, and it will take me a while
to turn the switch off. Unfortunately, for me, Steve has been the only man I have ever truly loved and it is hard for me to turn off my feelings so quickly. It has been a merry go round of emotions, but I am doing well with the reality of my filing for divorce. It makes it difficult living in the same house with him, (Different bedrooms) but the alimony will not start until divorce is final.
I will be fine, and just knowing the divorce will finalize things for me is a feeling of no longer feeling or being trapped.
Love you Flora for caring.Forgot to say, Flora that there is NO hope left in thinking he could ever change-that is why I am filing. Just takes a while to turn off emotions for me.
Forgot to say, Flora that there is NO hope left in thinking he could ever change-that is why I am filing. Just takes a while to turn off emotions for me.
Sharron, you can ask for maintenance money while the divorce is in progress. This is standard as most people separate as soon as they file.
Give it a try.
I think JoAnn has a great idea! I think you should look into it Sharron!!
I have been away for a week and have literally sat up ALL NIGHT catching up on posts!! (I couldn’t stop!) Sharron- when I read your “divorce in the works” post- I thought, “LET FREEDOM RING!!” I am so HAPPY that you have chosen SHARRON!! That is the best news I have read so far in all the catch up posts!! (And believe me, dear sister, I know your decision comes with a price!) đSharron- I understand why the sisters have posted what they posted- especially since it was YOUR post, of all sisters! We have all waffled, tried to justify, triple analyzed our own situations, what-iffed it TO DEATH!! But YOU, Sharron, have been the Queen of Flip Flopping this past year! (and I say that with love) We know your patterns! We are just scared to death that you may cave in and change your mind and we just believe in our hearts that it would be a HUGE mistake for you and a giant step backward! (I know you KNOW all of this).
All that being said, I just want you to know that I sympathize with you and how you are feeling. Unlike Flora, even once I had made up my mind to FILE, that man could STILL get to me if he turned on his best charms. It wouldn’t have changed my decision- but it DID make it hurt more when he started being nice!! Maybe my head was “done” but my heart still had to work through some things… And truth be told, (and you KNOW how far I have come) – if that man showed up on my doorstep today, or called me on the phone and started saying everything “right” again, It would STILL get to me!! Hell no, it wouldn’t change anything!!! But hell yes, I bet it could produce some tears, sadness, regrets, etc. And I honestly believe that in some small (or large) way- he could ALWAYS tug a little on the heart strings. But damn, these are our husbands we are talking about! The man we loved with all our heart and chose to MARRY for God’s sake. We had an idea in our mind of what our life would be like with them and they shattered those dreams for us. Poof!! Gone.
Sharron, as you surely know, it’s not so much stupid Steve that is making your heart break at this point – it is THE RELATIONSHIP THAT NEVER WAS, THAT NEVER COULD BE that makes you cry. The senselessness in it all. The crying shame of it all. The bitch of it all. We mourn a loss of something that never existed. Not really, anyway. Perhaps for a day or two? Until the next crisis…. Like Nap said- we can NEVER count on these guys! They’re too messed up! Yes, it’s SAD. A tragedy, really! They are very sick and we cant help them. We can’t fix it. It’s frustrating….it’s heart breaking….
I just want you to know that I hope with all my heart that you stay strong and go through with this because that is the BEST DECISION you could make! But, I also understand the pain you are experiencing and will continue to experience until you get out of that house and maybe even beyond…. It’s gonna HURT for awhile. Let’s face it ladies, this ain’t fun! IT FUCKING SUCKS!!! That’s why it takes so long to gather the strength and courage to do it. Who WANTS to?? I didn’t!!! đ So, back to JoAnn’s suggestion- I hope you look into it! There is no reason to drag this out. Sure, you can hang on to the “pleasantries” you are experiencing for awhile longer….but it will only hurt you! Trust me! I DID it!! Don’t make my mistake!
You have an army of sister’s behind you! Let’s get this done! If you need help moving/packing/whatever….say the word- I will come and help you and I mean it!!
Wishing you ALL the very best, Sharron!
SL
SL-Thank you for all the time you took to write your post and put in your ideas and opinions.
I am glad to hear that someone else went through the “tugging at the heart” thing. I honestly don’t think we would be the loving caring women we are if that didn’t happen. I feel much better about that then if I could just coldly turn off the feelings.
Having said that, I am and have been remaining very strong.
I am still in the process of Steve and I talking to the financial planner to work out alimony. (Should have an answer today). My attorney will then add that decision to the post numpt and then file the divorce with the court. That should happen within 30 days.
I have elected to stay in the house for a couple of reasons. 1. Steve has not sold the other house yet and is paying double house payments. Because he is offering to pay alimony to me for life, after only 2 yrs. of marriage, I feel like I should not move out and start collecting until divorce is final and hopefully his house is sold by that time.
2. I simply do not have the emotional energy to pick up and move everything back and set up housekeeping again at this very moment. This will be the third and final time in two years.
I may have a few down times, but Steve and I are getting along on an amiable basis, and he knows my decision to go through with the divorce is firm.
He is in denial and thinks he will turn this all around in the 90 day’s it takes for the divorce to be finalized. Wish it was that easy for him. He has so many years of therapy ahead of him, that the therapy probably won’t be completed before he passes on. Ha! He does know my belly is full and don’t want to live like this anymore. I think as the finality sets in it will be more difficult for him, but in the meantime it is getting easier for me.
Much love to you SL-You have always been there for me and I truly appreciate all your support.Sharron,
I think it sounds ânormal.â Divorce needs grief just like death. One of the many emotions associated with grief is sadness.When I divorced my ex husband, âsadâ was the exact word I used. I didnât feel angry or like my heart was breaking (as I had previous times I considered leaving him.) I just felt really sad. Sad to see all my plans and dreams for the future ending. Sad for LOTS of reasons. I had loved him tremendously once. I felt sad for that âgirlâ who had stars in her eyes and such hope for the future with this man. When we divorced it wasnât because I no longer loved him. It was because of his actions. No longer loving him took a long time. We divorced almost 16 years ago and I still feel sad if I give it thought. (which is rare) I donât regret the divorce. I think I did he right thing.
Kim – I think you explained it so well. Just because we can’t live with someone, because of whatever, that doesn’t mean we don’t love them. Sometimes love is just not enough.
It will take some time for me, but time does heal all wounds. I also think the things the SA has done to us is with us forever. I doubt I can ever forget the saddness and trauma Steve as brought to me. My theapist told me, “You can forgive, but you will probably never forget.”Well, I can live with never forget more than I can fathom going to my deathbed stuck in the same situation and hating myself for not having the courage to choose ME!! đ
Sharron,
I can’t stand my exH. He has put me and my children through hell. He was determined to make me more miserable not married to him than I was married to him and he was quite successful for about 7 years. He always dangled over my head the very clear message that I could end all the hell if I simply âtook him back.â One day 6 years after I left, I asked him when he was going to stop torturing me. He said, âYouâre serving a life sentence.â
My point is that when I look back at photos of us together with our children.. I STILL get sad. Even though the man is a total asshole! The family in that photo is happy. The husband isnât an asshole. The wife doesnât cry herself to sleep at nights. The children still have a father in their lives. And that family is long gone. Dead and destroyed. The little boy in that photo, named after his father, is gone. He legally changed his name.
I have no idea how to not allow myself to feel the way I do. Iâm pretty good at detachment but itâs never severed neat and complete.
Hugs, Kim
It reminds me of the phenomenon of ‘phantom limb pain’. When a person has a limb amputated, they often have the sensation that it is still there and may even feel ‘pain’ in the limb. Some researchers theorize that after a limb is damaged beyond repair, the brain is âused toâ feeling the pain. Even after the limb has been removed, the brain continues to sense the same kind of pain. It is like having a memory of the pain because the pain is wired into the brain. Sound familiar, Sisters?
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