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After taking the kids to school, I sat in the garage (in the car) and cried for awhile.
Why can’t I just be happy that my H appears to be putting so much effort into recovery? When he pulled that divorce crap again 3 weeks ago it hit a reset button on a lot of emotions.
He wanted to leave both times for the exact reasons… to go do whatever the hell he wanted (sexually). The fact that my H would even entertain the idea of leaving me because he would prefer sex with random strangers makes me feel sooo… god… I don’t know the word. Second rate? Like a standby to ten of thousands of younger and prettier woman.
I think it’s normal, as you get older, to have at least some amount of vanity that makes you sad to see your youth go. But it didn’t seem “quite” as bad when you had that one person who loved you just the way you are and wouldn’t trade you for anything. I feel the opposite.. that I WOULD be traded for almost ANYTHING. Just so long as it’s not me.
Even when he isn’t expressing a desire to leave me in order to fulfill his fantasies… You know those are still his fantasies. You KNOW that you are still second rate and he’s just trying to “do the right thing.” He says all these things about wanting his family, being committed to the vows he took and he just makes it SOUND like he’s only here because “it’s the right thing to do” not because it’s what he wants to do. And suddenly it seems as if he has to do SO MUCH WORK to make the marriage work. When did I become such a burden? I feel like the unwanted stepchild.
And why do I feel like expecting and wanting to be number one in your spouse’s eyes is suddenly childish and petty? An unrealistic pipe dream. And that I need to grow up and realize that’s not how life works. When I tell my husband what my perceptions is of how HE feels, he doesn’t deny it. A part of me wishes he would lie and deny it. Just so I could hear, “Kim… that’s not true!”
And then there is sex itself. I don’t know when the last time we had sex was. Months? We tried it for a while and it just wasn’t working for me. He probably thinks I am punishing him. I WISH that was it. I wish I was just being spiteful. I loved sex 2 years ago. Now I shy away just from the thought of it. I thought it was meds so I changed them. That’s not it. I think I’ve heard the best explanation on here.. it’s just too crowded in our bed. And I feel like an unwelcome guest.
Then I worry that his sobriety is going to go to hell if he gets sick and tired of having NO sex at all. I refuse to have sex with him based on that fear. Somebody needs to respect ME and I’m the only one around here who seems to do it. But that doesn’t change my fear.
Oh Kim…every single word you wrote could have come from me. I REALLY get how you feel. Sending you a hug.
((Hugs)) Kim. You’re not being self-pitying. Just because they’re in recovery doesn’t mean it’s really any easier for us. They’re still f*cked up and we’re still dealing with both the shock of finding out, and then the weird way they are in the aftermath. And it’s not like being in AA where we can applaud their recovery. Fat chance of applauding them for not screwing other women. What do they want, a gold medal? And being told it’s a ‘long process.’ Well that’s just great. Let’s just sit here and be patient and serene while they learn wtf made them be such unfaithful lying aholes.
But Kim, he doesn’t prefer the random strangers to you. If he’s like most SAs, he just prefers not looking at himself and his own messed-up head, and drowned that all out with random sex. Which doesn’t make it any easier in the slightest, I know. But if he’s serious about recovery, hopefully he’ll start figuring that out. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re in. And it is absolutely NOT petty. xoxoThere’s nothing petty about every single point/issue you raise.
Maybe that’s a hard learning. What you describe is simply not a life at all. You cannot change his mind. He wants what he wants. His priorities are for himself. Even if he “does the right thing” to try and save the marriage, I think he’s just storing that up as justification for his next betrayal.Get of out the garage, Kim.
Well said Annie ” he doesn’t prefer the random strangers to you. If he’s like most SAs, he just prefers not looking at himself and his own messed-up head, and drowned that all out with random sex.”….
Kim, feeling your pain and sympathizing. No, empathizing, and it’s my pain too. It’s horrible. Every once in a while, someone will say a nice thing about me (Diane has done it recently), and I’m so stunned and shocked, I tear up. SA has made me feel unlovely, unwanted, less than, old and used up. When you learn that your life partner has not really looked at you–hasn’t actually SEEN you–for years, and when those years were your most powerful, sexy, vital years, well…what is left? NOW he’s seeing me?! NOW, I’m middle-aged, menopausal, scarred, and graying. Great, he’s willing to settle.
So many painful aspects to all of this SA garbage, that it is hard to say this is the worst thing about it. But I think that maybe this IS the worst thing. Im 47 years old, menopause is right around the corner. Like March said–the last 14 years were probably some of my best and I was unseen. And now….it is profoundly sad.
But somehow seeing and hearing all of you makes it easier, because you are all so wonderful. It helps me to see that if all of you are in this rotten club, maybe Im not as defective as I feel. I know you all can relate–intellectually we KNOW it isnt us, but emotionally its a very different story.Kim, I’m right with you, sister.
I think that when we have SAH’s (like ours) that hide behind “I want a divorce” to rationalize their “acting out/screwing other women” behavior – it’s a double trauma for us. Not only do we have the fear of what’s going to happen when they go on a binge, but we also have the trauma and shame of feeling like it’s somehow our fault and the fear of abandonment as a result. My husband KNOWS that abandonment is my biggest fear and he uses it to his advantage. E.g. If you don’t get over this, I’m going to walk. ughhhh….. it’s like two knives in your gut.
The truth of the matter is that the “I want a divorce” is all about manipulation and hiding their shame. They want to say (and the world to see) I left them not because I want to be admired by and screw everything I can get my hands on – but – they were a bad wife and that’s why I’m doing the above. It’s the “blame game” all over again.
My therapist keeps telling me that I need to get a job and get around people who value me for the wonderful person that I am. Then I won’t even play the “blame game”.
I’m trying to do that, but each day is a struggle. I feel that I’m getting stronger, but I’m not there yet. I do know that I’ll get there, though. Each day is a new day – one small step at a time.
You are wonderful person trying deperately to save your marriage and forgive and trust a truly messed up human being. It’s a nearly impossible task until they are stable in their recovery and don’t blame and manipulate. (geeezzz….I just got some clarity right now – amazing how doling out advice sometimes does that for you).
Deb
Dear K,
oh my goodness, you touched on so many items I am feeling at the moment also. Especially the lack of sex and how that makes me feel as a woman.
but — like someone said, it is time for us to get out of the garage, patio, basement, office, wherever it is that we hide.
what are we hiding from? life? the world? the idea that a man might actually treat us like a priority? and that so far in our married lives we are treated like 2nd rate? the person they’ll do it with if nothing else is around.
well K, you can’t be happy with his recovery efforts because so far that “recovery” has not translated into better treatment of you. that is still a problem. rejection, abandonment, and his narc behvior are still a problem. that is why you are crying in the GD garage.
if it is not “realistic” to have husband’s that love us. and put us first, the majority of the time– what is? a second rate life, where as our youth fades, they can justify more and more their “need” to hire young beauties to perform?
those girls are someone’s daughter. and our H’s are likely their Dad’s age or more.
it’s just gross.
OMG!! I am WITH you guys on all of this! (except I got out….but still…..) Pain, scars, regrets, shame, live on…. And probably will for a long time! 🙁
Like Bonnie, There was a time when I could have wrote the exact post!! And much of it still applies…. The difference for me now is- (while we are talking about vanity, sexuality, etc) – I have a new BF who tells me I am beautiful, desirable, etc. every single day!! Matter of fact, today as he walked by, copped a feel, stopped in his tracks, came back and put his arms around me- he whispered in my ear, “why are you so fondleable???” ha! Then we cracked up at the word!!
I am not trying to make anyone feel bad because I currently have all those things we want out of a caring partner- but I just want you all to know- there IS someone out there, waiting for YOU, willing to tell you and do these things for you!! SET YOURSELF FREE!!!
But at the same time, I am still sad over SA. It doesn’t change anything. We will NEVER get back together! But, as in my case, a 17 year marriage down the tubes… And like you guys, during some of my best years! But whose to say our 50’s and 60’s and 70’s can’t be some of our BESTEST years?? Well, why NOT?? They are gonna be what WE make them to be! We, ladies, are in charge of our own happiness! It’s time to look in the mirror and ask….”what do I REALLY want out of the rest of my life”?? (no SA included) And then go GET it!! I know it’s not so easy with kids and finances- but dang it- if I can do it and Diane can do it and Nap can do it and Ellen can do it and Sunny can do it and Pam can do it and Sharron (for crying out loud) can do it…..I’m sure there are others, then YOU can do it too! You owe it to your soul!!
Kim, March, Bonnie, Annie, Kmf, Liza, Deb, Debora, Jules, and all the rest of you- you are beautiful, desirable, hilarious, good hearted, fun loving girls!! PLEASE!!!! Don’t let these guys take what you have left- your self worth and self esteem!! If you could see yourselves like I see each of you- you would walk tall and hold your head high! Your SA’s would be eating your dust….. You would be so over him and so on to the next big thing!! Write in your journals all the things you like about yourselves and also what others like about you that you have heard before! Then figure out how to play up your attributes and go knock ‘Em dead!!!
I really love you guys!! Kim, this was such an honest and heartfelt post! I hope you are feeling better at this time!! He doesn’t deserve to take away your precious happiness….
I read your words and thought to myself- “YES!” I think Kim is really starting to see the bigger picture….of what “settling” really means. And why SHOULD you?? What you talkin about HIM settling!??? Psh….. In MY opinion, you’re the one settling if you stay with HIS ass!! (I understand the children thing) – but just don’t sell yourself short!!!
XOXOXO!!!
I also wanted add on something March said. Yes, our vital years. —
during the most vital and what are usually the most sexually active years of my life, my H was more active with trannies than me.
he is now 43. his libido has slowed down some naturally. so now, you want to fess up? and tell me all the horrible shit you did? even THAT is being a narc.
why wasn’t recovery important 5 years ago? why now? because they (at least some of these guys) are slowing down now also. because now, they are the grey one with a tummy at the bar– not lookin’ so hot anymore.
hell, what a good time to commit to y our marriage. no one else wants you unlees you have to pay them for it. I’d get sober too!!
this is bullshit.
cougars, are popular right now. young girls are pretending to be older it has become such a fad. Demi Moore, Ellen Barkin, Joan Collins, Raquel Welch, Madonna, Susan Sarandon.
they got greys. they cover them. they get some work done. they hit the gym. and last I checked? ain’t no one crying all day neither. I know they have money. but it’s more than that.
they just live it they way the want to. over 40 over 50 over 60– over 70–they are living their lives.
these marriages we are in– are like tombs. the rob us of our very lives and our beauty.
Oh Kim,
I understand EVERY single word you said because we have all found ourselves as the second choice, the neglected one, the one who wasn’t important enough or good enough for our feelings to even be considered?? You KNOW in your gut why you cannot just be happy with his efforts. You cannot just be happy because you KNOW to a man like him you will ALWAYS be second rate or the second choice. He is too broken to love you the way you want to be loved. We can all cheer you on, tell you it isn’t you ect ect but it still hurts. I believe this is the TRUE cost of SA/PA/PD to the partner. The certain knowledge, that in the eyes of the man you love…you will never measure up and always fall short. They can never love you like a normal man and their “recovery” will always just be about keeping the wolf from the door. I am sorry, Kim, but I truly believe your instincts are correct. You have to process all this and decide if he is worth that pound of flesh you are paying? BIG HUG, Karen xx
Hi Kim,
I don’t think any one touched on this yet. But his threats are manipulation. If you feel bad for having an opinion and being yourself…you are being abused. If you feel bad for being who you are and what you want to be…its him NOT YOU. I think this is a hard thing to identify in these relationships is the underlying abuse. Many thinkits just addition get over it. But they do not address this. And many of us have been and are being emotionally abused.Only when you stand up for yourself and say No its not my fualt, No id di not make you cheat on me. No i don;t want to have sex with you or anyone, and i don’t want to have sex with you because you repulse me. I’m tired, i’m exhasuted and the way you treat me makes me feel unloved, used, unnatracitve….and if does not change i’m leaving. Despite what you feel is best for you, your addiction and the children. This is NOT what is best for me. And the children will be happy if i’m happy. That is a true statement, if mommy feels good the kids do so much better.
Its time to stand up for yourself. Picture what you want out of life, and take the baby steps to get there. So many of us, including mysefl, wanted to stay married to my h forever. I wanted a happy relationship and felt that i had that. However we should not be linear in our thinking, we need to think global. Happiness is out there for us, if we are willing to change our views.
Love,
FloraKim,
((((Sister Hug))) I’ve read your post ten times.
This is the greatest tragedy of all.Their behavior has nothing to do with us and it destroys us.
When they said “I DO”, forsaking all others was a part of that vow. We are in it for the marraige, the intimacy, the best definition I’ve yet heard is “shared privacy”. To go through life with your husband having your back was the plan.
I never thought about how betrayal felt until it happened, then the bottom fell out. I read in one of those intimacy anorexia articles that the betrayal and neglect sometimes makes us objectify ourselves. That is what you’re doing here, hating yourself for not being enough. He put that on you but it is not the truth. I’ve read your smart, sassy, funny posts. I’ve seen your beautiful picture. You are a great Mom and Stepmom. You are more then enough! But we want to hear that from our mate. We want to know we are still the one.
I’ve thought a lot about recovering myself, listening to Dianes plan, others stories and outside world examples of strong women. I walk past the mirror after a days cry and see the age and the rage overwhelmes me…what he has taken from me. I dress up and go to town and see the heads turn and feel guilty that I have pleasure in knowing someone finds me attractive. I wrestle with the choice to stay in this pain or face the future on my own.
I know you have your reasons for staying. Love on yourself, Kim, in anyway that you can. You never should have had to put up with this.
Everything you said makes perfect sense. It’s just so sad that we all undestand it.
Go get youself a massage and enjoy that healing touch. i did and I cried and told her that my husband doesn’t touch me like that. she told me , go ahead and cry honey, this is about emotional release. She was an angel to me.
It won’t always be this way.
My Love,
Debora
SL, your post made me tear up in gratitude for your encouragement. And I love that word ‘fondleable’.. lol, too cute. Hold on to that feller! 🙂 xoxo
Kim – I am sorry you are feeling so low, it is a hard, shitty place to be right now.
From what I am seeing from my H at the moment, who is working his recovery program, he is really really self-absorbed. He is full of misery, guilt, shame & self-hate, he is very little capacity for empathy, he just wants someone to rescue him from his own hell. Trying to get some/any wants and needs met by him at the moment is difficult & hurtful. It is like trying to have a relationship with a small child, an egomanic, who believes he is the centre of the universe. I am starting to believe it may be years before he is healthy enough to think and feel beyond himself.
Kim you are walking a really hard road, please make sure you look after yourself, he is not capable of doing it, and to try to get him to look out for you only causes you more pain.
Hugs
TanyaRah! Rah! Annie!!
Amen, Flora!!!
Karen, am I on your nerves yet?? Lol….
I know I sound like a cheerleader and probably an annoying one at that!! But the truth is, I mean every word of it for ALL of you! Deborah put it better than me… Hers sounded more heartfelt and mine sounds like a motivational seminar, and for that I apologize! I am in no way trying to minimize the hurt and pain, believe me! I have been there (some days STILL there)….but once we take the proper amount of time to grieve (and that really is what we do), then we HAVE to pull ourselves out of this mess and move the fuck on!! No one else is going to do it for us!! We all know, recognize, admit, and discuss everything about this travesty and it’s horrible, mind boggling, unreal, unbelieveable, etc. HOWEVER-to use a quote that I’m pretty sure most of us hate – IT IS WHAT IT IS.
It won’t change tomorrow or next week or next month. At SOME point, (different for each of us) – we have to accept what has been done to us- (because no matter how you slice it up-the damage is done) and MOVE FORWARD. We choose whether this ruins us for the rest of our lives or if we are gonna get out there and make the world a better place because “WE’RE” in it!!!
Ok, off the soap box for a minute….but I am serious. Our choices are bad and worse, but in the end….we can still be great!!!
XOXOXO!!!
Tanya, I think dealing with them in early recovery is almost worse than the shock of discovery. I keep asking myself, was he always this way, or is it just magnified because of all the other crap? It’s like somebody sucked out his brain with a Hoover. Not always, but a lot of the time. xoxo
You are all the greatest. I’m still crying. (I did take a break from it for awhile) And of course am crying more after reading all of your words. Just one of those days. I miss the times when I had “none” of those days.
My H asked me of I was OK today. Ummm… no. He knows better than to ask “what’s wrong?” So he just said, “well I’m here if you want me to listen.” I was very tempted to just cut and paste what I wrote here and email it to him.
I want to say so much to you all. I’m too emotionally drained right now though. I’m going to take a sleeping pill and hope tomorrow is a brighter day. But I wanted to be sure to say thanks first.
Oh Kim, tomorrow HAS to be a better day. It just has to be. Maybe if just for the simple reason that you’re one day closer to knowing how beyond awesome you really are. Sister, hang in there. To quote Proust, “we are healed of a suffering only by experiencing it in full.” Sending you strength, Liza
Ooohh, Liza! I like that quote. It sucks, of course, but oh so true! If we don’t allow ourselves to completely get it over with and suffer it out… Every last crumb…. Then I doubt we could fully heal. (think patio)
I really believe it. If we half ass muddled thru it or swept it under the rug (like I did for YEARS) Then it will never really go away. Feel the fear! Feel the pain. And then, do it anyway!! 🙂
I find myself coming back to this thread again and again and feeling connected to all of you in a very deep way. I wish I could give us all a hug!
Today hasn’t been much better. My H tried to cheer me up and make me dinner last night. I think it was his daily task for that book, “The Love Dare.” The movie came up short of being good. Not sure about the book. It is so bizarre to have him claiming to find so much worthwhile knowledge in any religious based source. He was an atheist two years ago and last night he was quoting Mother Theresa. WHO ARE YOU? (although it is a quote I love)
When my H goes through his “I want a divorce” phase, he has no other explanation than sex. He tries to give some other lame explanations but HE doesn’t even believe them. Talk about feeling out of control and unstable! There is nothing I can do. There is nothing to “fix.” It doesn’t matter how good of a wife I am. I could wash his feet. Ultimately since it has nothing to do with me, there isn’t anything I can do.
March,
I could have written every word you said. Some days I have tantrums in my head about how unfair it all is. Other time I am so angry I can barely contain myself.Bonnie,
We’re going to have to try HARD not to let this ruin our dinner.SL,
You made me cry. You are such a good hearted wonderful woman. And you actually would be a good motivational speaker.Pam,
My husband is 41. He hasn’t slowed down one bit. Although if he not acting out, he is currently at a screeching halt.Karen,
You are absolutely right. I actually don’t blame myself. It would be nice to have that fantasy because then I could disillusion myself into believing there was something I could do about it. You still feel all the pain and the hurt though. I think it’s even worse when you can’t soothe the pain with guilt.Debora,
Thanks for all your kind words. You DO want to hear those things from your spouse. More importantly you want to believe their words. He could say that shit all day and I wouldn’t believe him. He tries to say it. He’s talking to the wall though.Lisa,
That is a beautiful quote.Kim–this will NOT ruin our dinner. Though I fully expect some tears will be shared between us, I am determined to have a laughter to tears ratio of at least 10-1! Planning on a great girls night out and NOT a grief fest. I think we are up to the challenge. 🙂
Kim
your post hit home with me and apparently with every woman on SOS. I feel your pain and wish so much I could change it for you
you are in NO WAY petty for feeling the way you do. You did not ask for any of this and honestly I feel guilty for even complaining about my sah when I hear a post from you. You are trying so very hard to put or keep your marriage together and when your husband pulled the I want a divorce so I can act out card I wanted to jump through the phone and slap the shit out of him. Pity fucking party or not(his pity party-I know u are always so supportive during his diff times and it is amazing to me), Id have packed his bag thrown it outside, changed the locks, hired an attorney and told him to go act the fuck out until he could t act ou anymore and then when he was through, hit his ‘bottom’ and decided he was ready to be a true partner, ready to show you the type of live, respect and support you deserve in a man, Id give him a hug, hold him tight and tell him how much hearing that was all I ever wanted. That bein loved through my faults, supported through my pain and placed in front of all others except God was the type of marriage I thought I had, and want
and then Id let him go, look him in the eye and wish him the best in his pursuit of finding that love with someone else
bc he burned that chance the moment he even uttered the words he wanted a divorce so he could do what he wanted to do. That I love myself too much to subject myself to the pain I suffered in the marriageYou are not petty to want to be seen. To want to be loved. To want to bw cherished. Yes. We all get complacent and take one another for granted in our relationships but the pain and the lonliness suffered, endured by we who are married to a sa is different. It kills your spirit, it robs you of some of your best years and some of your best memories and it sucks
you are not alone, we feel your pain, we cry with you and we pray for better days for you. With or without your sah
xxoo
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