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Hi everyone,
I always love getting everyone’s very wise input here and once again I have another question.Since finding out about my H’s SA I have been out in public with him a couple of times where he has blatantly looked at other women and then lied to me about it. I realize that it’s not always a great idea being in public with him, but it’s hard staying inside where it’s safe 24/7 especially with a baby. I also realize that I cannot depend on my husband to make me feel safe (he thought it was safe to boink hookers) so how do you all keep yourselves safe? How do you remind yourself that these men are IDIOTS? Also, how do you express to your husband that you will not tolerate this behavior, that it is disrespectful to you?
Thanks so much!
Bailey.
Bailey,
I love that “boink hookers”. You have got a way with words. I’m not the person to answer your questions- I threw my SA out, and I still don’t feel safe.Any time I did try to tell my STBX (when he was my SAH) that I wasn’t happy with his behavior, he just told me I was wrong, too emotional, trying to control him, yada, yada, yada. Maybe I should have tried a knee to the groin? Expressing is one thing, getting them to listen is another.
What does yours say/do? Did he admit he lied? Is he supposed to be in recovery? Do you all have a decent therapist you are working with- one that will listen and validate you?
Bailey,
You are a new mom with a baby and young? I`m so sorry honey but please get out. I would give anything if I knew my idiot was boinking hookers when I was still young. Now, I have wasted my young and pretty self. And, make no mistake, my idiot was boinking hookers when I was young.Said with all kinds of support,
No judgements
Just cause i appointed myself Pope, you do not have to listenBev
Dear Bailey,
The problem with this kind of man is…you tell them what you need and they 1) ignore what you say and keep doing what they are doing, 2) hear what you need but try to pretend they didn’t or did not understand what you meant, 3) try to convince you that what you need is unreasonable, or 4) try to convince you that they are meeting your needs and it is actually just your imagination that they are not. You have to understand that they know EXACTLY what you want from them…they simply do not want to give it to you.
That leaves you with 2 choices. Go in public with them and be humiliated by their disrespect and lusting or don’t.
I wish it was more complicated than that but it simply isn’t. So you express that it isn’t acceptable by removing your self the second he does anything that violates what u have made clear, you will not tolerate. Karen xxHi New Mom and Welcome.
It’s always personal choice. You know how you feel. If you do not want to go out in public with him because of the way he acts…then don’t. You need to honor your thoughts and feelings. And as you do you will feel better.
When i first read your thing…i thought don;t fo out in public with him. leave him home with the baby. However you can go out with a baby. I have three kids, and have done it multiple times with all three kids. You can do it.Love,
FloraWelcome New Mom,
My H has that same problem with his porn viewing. We would go out somewhere and he would eye fuck attractive women while I was next to him and he would deny it!!! I’d be watching him watching THEM and he’d still lie!! Talk about feeling worthless. “Oh I thought I recognized her from somewhere.” One night it was so bad I said “Do you want me to go get her phone number for you???”. Recognized her my ass!!!! I thought yeah, from where? A porn movie??
He learned in group and from the book Every Man’s Battle a technique called bouncing his eyes. Instead of staring they tell them that once they notice attractive women they are to immediately look away. This sounds great as far as learning some self control but he even fucked that up! He’d just shorten his stares a bit then look away. Well hell, that’s not bouncing his eyes but getting just a long enough look to do the same thing as a long stare.
It kept me from wanting to go out in public with him. Who wants to be that disrespected by our husbands??? None of us do. They’re just fucking selfish jackasses who objectify women by eye fucking them in our presence. Lying about a simple thing like staring just perpetuates our belief that they continue to show us where we stand with them. I’d love to cut my h eyes out if I could!! There were even times I did it to men to give him a dose of his own medicine. He’s so used to the taste of it tho it did absolutely nothing. I HATE summer because with it brings scantily clad women in the Texas heat.
Hi new mom,
I wish I had better answers. than yes to all of the above responses. going out in public, wasn’t much of non safety feeling for me. i worried more when he was out alone.
but for whatever it is that they are doing, that is addict behavior, denying our pain and hurt over it, isn’t going to get us anywhere. it just stonewalls.
perhaps you could not go out in public with him for awhile. let him know he makes you feel uncomfortabel and disrespected. so you’d rather go solo. and then follow through. go solo. perhaps he’ll get the picture. perhaps not. but at least you set a clear boundary for yourself and what you want. and that is essential to your happiness.
congrats on your new baby!!
for-now
I went through the same thing. Everytime we went out in public, I had to worry about if he was going to start his ritual. Started out with looking at an older couple or two, (totally nonsignificant) then BOOM-here came the trigger. It was always someone in their 20’s to 40’s. Hell, he just admitted to triggering on highschool girls singing for the Celebrate Recovery Service. (An SA group).
He pretends to have started disclosing everything now. He said he has only triggered twice since I moved out-hell, that
was only a month ago.
I can relate to Pam when she says she is feeling extreme anger. Now that it is all over, I am finding more anger coming to the surface. I think it is because he says he is going to be totally honest and start disclosing. How many times did I hear that??? If he says he only triggered X2, he probably did it X10. I am so glad I am out of this fiasco.
I wish I could wipe him out of my memory bank, because anger is not healthy. It will take a while, but this too shall pass. I think if I had no contact with him at all, my anger would decrease. Unfortunately, because of the post nump having to be updated, I have to walk on egg shells.
The damn lawyer is taking her time. I’m gonna send her a nasty E-mail tonight and push her buttons.Sharron, yes yours did the same as mine. Reading your post caused me to snap on one thing….anyone else catch it as well??? High school girls singing for a SA group????? WHAT THE FUCK????????? A man’s idea no doubt!
That sounds so ridiculous and really creepy… Having high school girls sing to a bunch of SAs!!!! WTF???
new mom when I caught him having the “one” affair, it took months for me to get to the sa part. But during that time I caught him cranking his neck, eye fucking, scanning everywhere. I did not notice before. He denied it and we fought like crazy everytime he did it. Now he admits that he was eye fucking and putting most of the women in the room naked and all over each other.
2 things. No more sunglasses. and a dog zapping collar so you can push the button everytime you see it happen.
Ohh! Love the dog zapping collar! Can I put it around his penis or would that just be too sadistic (wait, he’d probably like it). I thought making his penis into a balloon animal. I only know how to make a dog, but I guess that would be appropriate.
NewMom,
I agree with Bev – you are young. Although with a new baby it must seem impossible to leave. I’ll never forget when I found love poems on my husband’s computer (from his secretary) soon after we were married (before kids). He talked his way out of it and I so wish that I had been smarter and run for the hills (he said that she was “obsessed” with him…yeah right!). But sometimes it takes a few “indiscretions” (=boinks) to finally understand the depth of their illness.
RE: the gawking. I agree with Karen. If you see him do it, then leave. Call a cab, whatever. He needs to know that you value yourself and that you won’t put up with it. Don’t let him minimize it or you’ll end up with a real mess. (and you might anyway).
Welcome to SOS!
Deb
I had a 3 year old and an infant at home. I was struggling with the whole overwhelming mom thing…
I found a porn site pop upon our computer. I called him at work crying and he laughed at the whole thing… Used all the regular excuses amd made me think I was being a crazy bitch.
I would give anything to go back in time and have a do-over!! I could have saved myself and my kids a lot of pain.
Point being: You are young !! Get out NOW!!
Don’t let the years go by and turn into me. Trust me, it is no fun …
BevI had a brand new baby, too. First time I found him and porn sitting just a few feet from our sleeping daughter. I remember thinking what a mistake I had made marrying him- I didn’t know him at all. I felt so trapped. That was 21 years ago and it has been one discovery after another every few years ever since, escalating in the last 6.
I wouldn’t wish what I’ve gone through on anyone.
New Mom, my SAH used to do this all the time also. Then he seemed to be doing better with it the last couple of years (ha- jokes on me) 2 weeks ago we went to a funeral for his uncle and he absolutely fixated on an attractive woman there. I was so pissed, sitting there through the funeral and lunch afterward quietly watching him… since then it’s like I’ve become obsessed with not trusting him again. I told him about it and of course he apologized profusely but wtf every few days he’s either apologizing for being and ass or something sa related. Get out now while you are young. I have been going through discovery after discovery for 18 years now. it’s hell and I am tired. Tired of even feeling the need to police him.
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