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On Friday morning I found out.. after dragging it out of him.. that my h had been continuing to lie to me about his Craigslist gf. Swearing to me that he never kissed her, that it was all emotionless sex, and that he couldn’t wait to get outta there after having sex with her. But it turns out that he did kiss her, and that they went out to eat many times after having sex. This probably seems pretty minor in the grand scheme of things, but not only did it punch me in the gut yet again, but it made me realize that there’s no reason to believe anything he’s told me post-‘recovery.’ After he finally emailed me the answer to my question, where he said,
‘Fuck it. Yes I realized in retrospect that I kissed Jodie a few times. It was not a pattern, it felt fake and wrong, wasn’t a part of sex and there is no intimacy there. That’s it for the kissing. Don’t make more of it than it was which is nothing. You are going to try to assign emotional content to this and there isn’t any. I’m sorry I held that back. I really never even thought about it when we were first talking about it and then as I spent more time thinking I realized I must have,’
I didn’t respond, and haven’t heard from him since. I saw in his web history that he’s busily checking flights and hotels for school interviews, and checking football schedules, and he left one message for his sponsor, and that’s it. This is ‘recovery?’ It’s hurting me tonight that he can just go on with his life and pursue his interests, and that he can write me such a cold email and have absolutely no idea how much I’m hurting. I wish I could learn to compartmentalize the way he can. To be all heartless and feelingless and just do whatever I want to do, and damn the consequences. Tonight it’s hard. I can feel he’s moving on from me, because it’s too much trouble to deal with how I feel. He never even emailed me or texted me to see if I was ok. Nothing. Life just goes on for these guys.. I know it’s also my ego that is hurting as well. I want to feel that I’m more important than that. That I matter. I know I’m supposed to just know that I matter anyway. But tonight I don’t feel like that. Just so much pain. I don’t know how I never realized in 22 years with him that he was like this. I thought he was kind, that he cared about me. I must have been in such a deluded fog all this time. My family loves him. My oldest sister told me that I should ‘curtail my anger,’ and she still writes him friendly emails. My brother told me that I should ‘listen to the guy’s point of view about all this.’ They just don’t understand. I just don’t know anything anymore. I don’t know where my life is going. Sometimes I can keep things in perspective by realizing this is not the worst thing that could happen. But tonight I just feel so lost.
Thank you for being there. Love you all. xoxo
Hi Annie,
It’s very painful what you are experiencing. Life as you know it is all of a sudden changed; that’s very painful in itself. It’s very hard for people on the outside (your family) to understand this because it’s so hard to understand on the inside.My therapist told me once my h didn’t love himself. How could he to do the things hes doing. Your h may not be able to help himself let alone you. This monster addiction is so complex it’s very difficult. I think he may be so self absorbed he’s only able to think of himself and his own survival. It’s not right or fair however it’s the way it is. It’s very dad and unfortunate especially after 22 years of loving them and caring for them.
Thinking of you Annie and if you can, take really good care of yourself and love yourself. You’re very special and I’m sorry you are hurting.
Love, Nap
Short of something happening to our kids, I think it is the worst thing that can happen. Finding out your entire marriage is a lie–it’s devastating! It feels like you’ve been robbed of everything! Your husband, your history, your sexuality, your future…To learn that the person you would have trusted with your life RISKED your life again and again–that not only did he cheat, he wouldn’t even do it safely! TO discover that you have not been SEEN for how-many years because he was too busy “drinking in” the image of every attractive woman in his line of vision so he could fantasize about her later. To hear that behind every errand or favor–going to Publix, Home Depot–he did, there was a hidden agenda….
Do not minimize what you are going through, Annie. Your pain is REAL and valid. And we’re right here with you. Your relatives suck!Your brother and sister do suck. I can’t believe your brother would tell you to look at cheating from a guys perspective! From the average guys perspective it’s just as f’d up as it is from the average woman’s perspective.
You are grieving the death of your marriage as you knew it. Your life as you knew it. Your husband as you knew him.
He sounds like he hasn’t made any progress from where he was. It’s all about him. He doesn’t care about your feelings now any more than he did when he was cheating on you. His words are bitter, not apologetic and remorseful. It’s not because you don’t matter. It’s because for him, HE is the only one who matters. And that is a f’d up thing to learn after 22 years. Devastation is an understatement.
He isn’t in recovery. He is still in the blame, denial, minimazation. That was text book minamizing. That isn’t to say he will never be in recovery. Some guys rotate through blame, remorse, denial, remorse, minimazing, remorse. Not to say they won’t eventually stick with remorse and change but it could be a really slow process. And being at the very least separated, I believe, is truly the best thing for you in that case. Most never feel the remorse at all.
Hang in there. I am glad you found this place. You have a long road of recovery yourself. Recovery from the trauma he has caused you. The process won’t be easy no matter what but having others who do understand and will never put a nonchalant face on this as your family does will help.
Hi Annie,
I’m really sorry you are not getting the support you need from your family members. Some of our other sisters, like b-trayed, have had this trouble too. They get isolated by the addiction and also the family. Just be aware that this is another tactic to get you back into the role that is best for them. I don’t think you are going to get much compassion or care from this bunch. I forget if you have a counsellor, but I hope you do, because you need someone in your corner—besides us, that is, because we ARE in your corner and don’t forget that.
D.Be strong Annie. That sucks that he admitted it and tried to immediately cover his ass by telling you not to assign emotional content to it. HA! Let me know how that works out for you! gosh-he is clever!
Your family’s opinions aren’t right. They just want to pretend everything will be ok.
My sister felt the same way at first. I think she was treading carefully in case everything got put back together. No sense in anyone taking a firm stance in someone else’s relationship. What if you get back together and you have to deal with the awkwardness of your sister and brother calling your husband a worthless asshole.
They will be there when you need them.This weekend, in one of our long convos it occurred to me that I was being kept in a compartment too! Sure my compartment got more time and energy, but he had me and his family in our little shoe box. They have lots of compartments.
anniem, I agree with the others: this is one of the worst things that could happen. I am as lost as you are right now and feel very beaten up and abused. I don’t know how to compartmentalize things either. I’ve been a basket case since August and desperately need to find out how to do that so I can move on with my life.
JoAnne–that’s an e-book waiting to be written when you find the time!! “How to Compartmentalize Your Life Like Your SA Does… in just 7 easy steps!”
Hi Annie,
Great posts. I just wanted to add something else my Therapist told me which may be helpful, ” Never look for comfort or support from the person who is hurting you”. Makes sense to me now and wanted to share. Hope you are feeling better knowing we are here for you.
Love, NapThank you, everybody. I had thought I was getting slightly stronger, but now, not so much. Feels like I took a bunch of giant steps backwards in the last few days.
Diane, I don’t have a therapist right now. Went to one a couple of times, and she was nice, but she seemed to want to do psychotherapy on me, and I didn’t go back. Also don’t want to spend the money right now, as my future feels like a bit of a blur. I’m just a little jaded on therapists, I guess. You guys are the best therapy ever, and I’ve learned so much from all of you.
readytoliveagain, it all came down in August for me too. I like the book idea. 🙂
Kim, I’m going to copy your post to my journal, because you said it perfectly.
march, as far as a relationship goes..barring death or terminal illness..yeah, this is the worst thing that could happen. And I know my siblings mean well, but they really don’t have a clue about the underlying awful depths of sex addiction, and the personality traits, and the weird Twilight Zone it throws us into without any warning.
Heidi..yeah.. his charming little email was just full of warmth and compassion, huh? I think it’s the tone of his email that has sent me into this latest funk, not just the content. I guess I keep wanting to believe there’s a human being in there somewhere, but I’m honestly not sure anymore.
And NAP, that’s great advice about not looking to the person who hurt you for comfort. It’s like a stupid reflex I still have..definition of insanity, I guess. In a split second one’s best friend becomes one’s worst enemy, and it’s impossible to wrap one’s head around.
Thank you all so much, for your kindness.
Love,
Annie xoxoDear Annie
I am so sorry for your pain in this. It is just mind blowing the excuses that are used. I mean there was no intimacy? he put his pen*s in her Vag*na. yet he won’t kiss her? It’s not that what he told you should not hurt, IT DOES. It’s that he has the nerve to think it was not intimate. oh please. All I can think of is Bill Clinton –stating I didn’t I didn’t I didn’t, ooops he did.
As Far as family — think about a Cobra. Sing the right song (how great he is) and he will dance. Stop the music and he will strike, or better yet, use others to strike. But eventually these animals do what is in their nature. Some snakes just bite. sometimes we stand solo in our battle for what is right. You stopped playing his song. Too bad. He is what he is. It’s all you need to know. they (family) dont’ have to agree or condone. they are not married to him.
Dear Annie,
I think the greatest pain in this ocean of pain is trying to accept that the person we loved did not exist. That one small detail is enough to create a loss of such magnitude that we feel we may never recover from the blow. It impacts us on so many levels that the grief seems overwhelming. It is truly a life quake. I am so sorry you are hurting. You are not alone though. many of us are still struggling to come to terms with the fact we have been sleeping with the enemy for years and years. I think most of us flip flop around as we try to regain our footing and our perspective. I wish I could say it will be better soon but I don’t think it will. A therapist experienced with sexual trauma is needed but difficult to find. Hang in there. Every heart on here understands how your heart is breaking. Karen xx
Flip flopping is a good way to describe it.
You may take three steps forward and two steps back when a new blow comes. But as the saying goes, “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” And you will find that you slowly get stronger even with the setbacks. Don’t be fooled into thinking you haven’t gained strength. You have. It’s just a lot slower and more gradual then any of us would like. It feels like your spinning your wheels and getting nowhere but just hold on to the knowledge that one day you will suddenly realize you have come along so much and hadn’t noticed.
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