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I’m on vacation. I rely on sleeping pills to sleep. I ran out. My RX I’d held at CVS and surprisingly there isn’t one across the deserts spanning the entire states of Utah and Nevada. (insert sarcasm here) So anyway, I was up all night. Which gave me lots of time to think. Never a good thing anymore.
Last month it was 2 years since all this BS came to light. It has been 749 days to be precise. And not a one of them has passes without me thinking of this crap.
I feel like you’re supposed to grieve the loss of life as you knew it, the marriage that was a sham and the man you thought you knew. And then accept it and move on. Maybe it’s because I’ve always been bad at the grief thing but I don’t believe there will ever be a day that I don’t think of this. That thought is depressing.
To my husbands credit, he has gone faithfully once a week to the CSAT and twice a week to meetings. But that doesn’t erase the past nor does it soothe my fears of the future. It also doesn’t change the fact that I will never look at him and see the man I married. He can still be funny and cute and sweet. He has cracked me up to the point of tears 3 times on this road trip. He tries hard to “make it up” to me. Last night for instance he jumped at the chance to get up out of bed, get dressed and run out to the car to get medicine I forgot in there. I am confident that he’d have tried to hunt down a 24 hour store out here in the middle of nowhere to buy it if need be. Strangely, his efforts seem to make it worse, not better. It just makes me bounce back and forth from loving him and hating him. I was laying here in tears laughing with him and 2 hours later in tears over what he has done.
The roller coaster is killing my spirit. But I believe leaving him would kill it more. So I just be screwed no matter what.
I still have an hour till my family wakes up but I’ll try to stop babbling and make a futile attempt to catch up.
I wish I had something helpful to say. I have cried so much I think I have no more tears ( I do)…
I will say an extra Prayer for you ..
I do not believe there is any way to forgive what these guys have done. I hope I am wrong but …
I hear your story and think WOW 2 years later. Do I want to still be doing this 2 years from now. I’m 3 months in and my SAH is looking to be cut free. I know in my head that the smartest thing to do is just cut and run now but it’s still all messy and tied up with other feelings. I still love my H and I want healing for him. I know I can’t heal him. He has no desire at the moment to get it for himself. His solution is to just go off by himself so he can do freely without guilt what he is doing here in our marriage.
None of this is easy but I cringe to think of sitting in your shoes myself 2 years from now. It’s like looking in a magic mirror that isn’t clouded with the delusion that MY marriage and sense of self will heal enough to live happily ever after again.
{{HUGS}} to you and thanks for sharing.
~Michelle~Dear Kim, believe it or not I know exactly what you are saying. I am on a coffee break from the icu where my heart lays full of tunes and attempting to recover from his openheart surgery this am. It does not seemvery long ago I prayed for his death or something horrific to happen to him because I could not stand the injustice of my situation. Now he is truly vulnerable and here I sit……wondering how it ever came to this and knowing it is going nowhere for I could never look at him the same. There is no good choice. They destroy what is necessary for love to thrive. Then we are left to accept it cannot be fixed and wondering where in He’ll to go with that. Sooner or later Kim u have to either learn to live with less than or take the plunge for more? Lousy choices I know. Karen. X
Kim,
I truly believe that over time the haunting memories fade – replaced with other more positive ones. It’s not to say that it completely goes away – it will always be there.
I know for myself, I no longer startle when I see a woman with grey hair. I used to have a visceral reaction – for me, that tells me that things are getting better.
Have you talked to any women who are further out (e.g. 5, 10, 15 years?). I think that might help you. I re-read Barbara Steffens book and she said that she has a fulfilling, happy marriage now (at least when she finished the book). The co-author (Marsha Means) didn’t – and got out. I have come across women who appear to have happy marriages after the nightmare. I am going to start talking to them about when and if the haunting memories fade. I’ll report back here once I talk to them.
I hope that you find some meds soon! I was up until 3am last night – you should have called me! I also have a hard time sleeping….I should take meds but I don’t.
When do you get to SF? Perhaps we can get together? I’ll even bring my SAH with me if he is behaving at the time.
I completely understand what you are feeling – some days I wonder if it wouldn’t just be better to put this all behind me – but like you, I love my SAH and am afraid of the disruption of a divorce (and being alone).
Try to enjoy your trip. I wish they made a “fade my memory” pill.
Deb
Kim,
Who you are has nothing to do with your h. I know what he has done has hurt you deeply and likely opened old wounds too which makes it even harder to heal.You, Kim, are a beautiful caring person who loves and cares for her family. You have so many great qualities and you need to celebrate who you are every day, regardless of your h. We have a whole body, a heart, mind, soul, body. Sometimes we get stuck in our head and forget or neglect the rest of us. Don’t let your h actions define who you are. You celebrate yourself every day and try to move into the rest of yourself. I hope you know how special you are. Please don’t put yourself on hold when you could be living each day. Thinking of you!!!
Love, Nap
Kim, there is something so poignant about your post. You managed to say a lot in just a few words, and to paint a really genuine picture of you and your husband’s relationship. I can feel the struggle and the back-and-forth you’re going through, and the toll it’s taking on you. You sort of encapsulated the tragedy of all this when you said that you can be in tears laughing with him, and then in tears over the horrible loss of what was. Or what you thought ‘was.’ That’s one of the most difficult things about this, because we get these moments of grief over memories, but at the same time we’re not sure which moments were real. It’s like tainted grief, and I don’t know how we can find a way to go through it, because all these questions come up. I was wondering if EMDR might help you, or you might already be doing that? I did it years ago, and it did seem like it could be helpful at untangling things, though I didn’t do it for very long, so I don’t really know. I’m just so sorry for the pain that you’re in. I hope you keep talking about it here, because you express things in a very genuine way that I think we can all relate to. xoxo
Hi again girls…I meant to say my H is in ICU NOT my heart is in ICU. 😉 Yes he had a bad valve…born with it but didn’t get bad until now. My son has had his replaced 2 times and my H’s sister had her’s replaced in 2007.Is a wonder he didn’t drop dead in Africa the valve was so tight and calcified He will be fine and will feel so much better once he is fully recovered. I am helping him…though I didn’t think I would ever see the day? 😉 It is no where near as traumatic as when your child is being cut up….that is so hard? One thing it has taught me is I have truly let it all go…finally let go of the desire to kill him myself. Just being free of all those intense emotions makes it easier to deal with everything in life. No one is meant to live in high emotional gear for years on end but these guys can certainly put you there. God… what a ride it has been BUT I feel I am finally off the rollercoaster- sadder, wiser, less innocent but free of being buffeted by another’s issues. It is what it is, girls. It is what it is. Thank you all for asking after him. Karen xx
PS Bev…what is the average price of one of those bags….suppose it depend on the style? 😉 I am going to go on their website and educate myself. They have incredible purses and shoes in Singapore….makes me wish I was size 8 and 25 again. 🙂
Well, Sweet Karen… The beauty of a Coach purse is that you do not have to be skinny or young!!
hard to average the price.. Depends on a small clutch or a piece of luggage…
I would expect to spend about 350… Just a guess and depends on what your personal pref is…
Now that I know I am spending hooker money i do not even look at the price :))
Dear Bev,
Are you doing alright down there on the beach?
Am thinking a medium handbag. Am also thinking they may be alot cheaper at an outlet store in the States but i am going to go into the store here. I went into the Burberry store one day…thinking I might get a scarf. Almost had a stroke when I saw the price! BUT part of me reclaiming me…I am learning to spend some money just because I want something. 🙂 My H used to hassel me about money….these days…not a peep. 😉 I hope you are not too sad bev but looking back I am guessing you are. 🙁 It does get better….but it really takes some time? i wish I hadn’t given it so much time now but I didn’t know how to stop it.Its hard. Love karen
I am sad because my heart is broken. I actually loved the SOB and gave him my best… heart and soul…
I will be ok. I know I will. The journey is so sad and hard. My soul hurts…
But, a nice purse always makes me smile and I love Burberry…. They have a perfume ( Burberry Weekend) that I love…
Spending the hooker money is my way of healing for now….
I did too Bev. I know what you are saying. It aint no fairy tale thats for sure? But you are strong and smart….you will come out ok in the end. Karen xx
Sisters,
I tried for 18 years to get past it. It is not possible. Maybe if he would have sought help and really gave it 100%. I don’t know. I wish I would have run for the hills when I was just two years into it. It’s just not worth it for me. After these kinds of deep betrayals is it possible to really move foward and be happy and at peace? I say no.Thank you all for your kind words. It’s just been one of those days.
It’s hard to imagine there ever being a day I don’t think about this. Wouldn’t it be nice to just forget? Or to be able to just not care.
Deb, we are driving. We are about an hour from SF. We’ll be there till Saturday and then we head to Santa Barbara. I am sick of the car. Texas to Denver to SF is quite a drive. I’m so glad my daughters are really well behaved. I’ll message you my number.
Finding woman who are 5 or 10 years in is not easy. JoAnne is the only one. lol
Annie, I have no idea what EMDR is!
Not letting his addiction define me has been a huge struggle for me. As long as I was married it was who I was day after day, therapy session after therapy session. Now the divorce is defining me- it is on my mind almost every waking minute. Most days I have emails, paperwork, appointments, visitation…it never ends.
I just hope when the divorce is final, I finally get to just be me.
Me too, Teri – Yesterday, Steve called his financial planner 15″ before the planner called me acting like he knows nothing about the filing for divorce. Then, I go to his Retirement plan, and two of the four annuities are not there. I think he is trying to hide assets. I had a record of his entire retirment plans on my other computer, and it shot craps, so I have no way to go back and see them. The worst part is Steve took the old computer to his house and was trying to fix it – if he is able to do so, he will see everything I had on it. I’m hoping he is not smart enough. Toshiba seems to have a safety in place that if you open the keyboard up, you can’t get to the circuits, or whatever you call them.
Shit – I can’t wait to be me either.I`m just wondering who I really am….
What kind of a nut stays married and loves a guy for 20 years and does not realize the guy is a perv???
Dear Bev,
The kind of nut who has absolutely NO REASON to be thinking her husband is a perv?? How many victims of psychopaths realise the person is a psychopath? NONE…until the cat is out of the bag. Your husband and most of ours, are deceptive to that level…to the level of pathology. They are not normal, Bev….plain and simple. Karen xx
Weird you should mention the psychopath thing….there’s this new TV program (from the POV of a murder victim) and tonight we were watching it. It’s about a church going, conservative father who has a “secret life” (forging checks) and then kills his wife and 3 young children and throws them in the Bay. It kept saying that the wife and relatives had no idea who the guy was. Our son turned to my SAH and said “you aren’t going to kill us, are you?”. Anyway – sometimes his “hidden anger” (which I think was behind his acting out) which I’ve only ever seen a few times – is very sinister and scares me. His sister apparently has it and it led to a very dark result. I can understand why Diane in the early days of disclosure didn’t feel safe sleeping in the same house. I truly believe that what our SAH’s have done is emotional abuse to us (first covert and then overt if they don’t immediately fall on their sword). I am still shocked when I think what my SAH was capable of….and I agree with Karen – it’s to the level of pathology. (not just addiction).
Deb
OMG Deb,
“Daddy are you going to kill us?”. That’s really sad and concerning he would say this, very telling of what he’s living.Kim, EMDR is a technique.. relatively new, I think.. where the therapist simulates rapid eye movement. It’s not hypnosis, but I guess it’s sort of in the same general category. It’s supposed to help release feelings or memories, I think. An interesting thing is that several years ago when the therapist I was seeing for obsessive anxiety did it with me a few times, and what came up for me was the question, ‘Why does my h feel fake to me when he shows me affection?’ Even though that had nothing to do with the reason I was seeing the therapist. Wish I would have paid more attention to that feeling. 🙁 I think there are some sisters here who are currently doing EMDR with their therapists, so they can give you more insight than I can. Enjoy Santa Barbara.. My family used to go there for summer vacations when I was a kid, and I loved it so much I ended up going to college there. So beautiful. xoxo
Deb….my husband’s cheating was completely driven by pathological selfishness AND hidden anger and resentment…anger I knew nothing about? He smiled in my face and stabbed me in the back…for years. They are scary people….you don’t know what the Hell they are thinking OR what they are up to? Half the time…I am not sure they know themselves. 🙁 Karen xx
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