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I was thinking last night about how torn in half I feel. It’s like I’m two people when I think about what my h has done, and how his behavior even in so-called recovery is so bizarre, and is even more disorienting to me than learning about his secret life was.
There’s a part of me that thinks I clearly see, and another part that pipes in with, ‘Yes, but, what if you’re wrong? What if you’re making a huge mistake, and misjudging him, or connecting the wrong dots?’ I’m used to second-guessing myself, but this has taken it to a whole new level, where I feel like I don’t even know what I think in the first place. I guess a lot of that must be because our SA’s are two different people? Or maybe they’re not, but I haven’t fully wrapped my head around all of this.
The odd thing was that earlier on after discovery, after the initial shock had lessened somewhat, I felt more hopeful, felt like I could separate the addiction from the person. But then as a few months went on, and his behavior was so strange and so unpredictable, that was when I really really felt as if I didn’t know this person at all. But the torn in half part comes from the times when talking to him when I felt that feeling of relief, ‘Ah, there he is. That is him, the man I know and love.’ But it just didn’t stick. He would come out with something that made my jaw drop, and make me think, ‘Did he just say/type that? Did zombies just take over his brain?’ But then he would say, ‘Bear with me. I have so much to learn.’ And I thought maybe I could bear with him. But it’s been about three and a half months since discovery, and it’s felt to me that he’s been getting worse, self-awareness-wise. Even typing that, that second-guessing voice pipes up in my head with, ‘No, you’re too judgmental.. too impatient.. too whatever.’ It’s like I have no firm basis of common sense to come from. Like my brain has evacuated itself from my skull.Thanks for listening to my muddled ramblings..
Annie xoxoI’m always sure I’m wrong about something. So that’s how I begin. But the sheer volume of evidence means that I’m likely not wrong about most of it.
When you describe your feelings, you are describing mine in the early days too. I was hopeful because I thought I saw glimpses of him. But in the important moments of recovery he was more the other person—the self-centred and protective SA who had little interest in my feelings or my experience.
I just don’t want to live with that person at all. It’s like a whole job. I already have a job. I can’t do this one too. I prepared to work hard in marriage—-I worked bloody hard for 30 years, but this is something else entirely. Some of the sisters seem to be able to make peace with their situations and a part of me always wishes I could have done that too when I read their stories and their approaches. But I need to come home to a safe place, to a safe relationship, to a safe partner, to a safe future unfolding. That’s just what I need in order to keep going. And my SA just could not give me any those things.Annie,
I know it feels sooo confusing. You said you feel as if you have no basis for common sense. Probably because this all makes no sense. We don’t think like our H. (thank god!)
It was very hard to reconcile the man I had been married to as the same man who had been lying to me all these years. You flip flop back and forth. You want to believe the man you love is as loveable as you thought. Completely deny that he is capable of what he has done. But once it becomes impossible to deny any longer, you want to believe it is totally fixable. I think a lot of the flip flopping is going back and forth between what you want to believe and what you DO believe.
It’s been 17 months since my initial d-day. I have gone through so many phases of thinking that I feel as if I’ve lost my mind. I also feel completely emotionally unstable. I still have periods where I feel positive and periods where I feel negative. Not only is my husband not who I thought he was but I sometimes feel like I am not who I thought I am. There have been so many days I have been so confused that I don’t know myself any more than I feel like I know him.
My H used to try to make a distinction between the addict and himself. Like, “that wasn’t me talking, that was the addict talking.” Or, “I’m not a liar, I just lied.” Huh??? His CSAT says she thinks that is all BS and told him he’s not two people. He and the addict are one and the same. He also likes to talk about the addiction as a separate entity. He’ll say, “It (the addiction) makes me think crazy things.” The psychologist always has the same reply, “It? What is “it”? A mouse in your pocket? There is no IT, there is only YOU.” Likewise she tells me not to think in terms of, “his addiction is destroying our marriage.” But rather, “My husband is destroying our marriage.”
They say not to make any major decisions (like filing for divorce, moving, etc) for the first year. This applies to any traumatic experience. For instance after a death. You need to sort out how you feel before you can sort out what to do. They also say for the first year, consider your marriage on pause. Go see a therapist and get yourself together and see what he is going to do with that year. My H has gone through a lot of phases as well. You’re not going to see any stable changes in him for a long time if ever. I’ve also read that it takes 2-5 years to move beyond initial discovery depending on how bad it was.
Go easy on yourself. No matter how crazy you may feel, we all here think you’re perfectly normal. And THIS being “normal” sucks ass!
Hi Annie,
I really like what Diane and Kim wrote you. What you are going through and thinking right now is a normal response to something very horrific and it is.
Just remember to use yourself as a point of reference. What are your morals, values, what do you believe to be true, trust your true responses. Stay close to who you are and what you believe. Try to stay clear and do not deny or rationalize what you know to be true.
Annie if you do this you will be just fine, I think its not easy however I sense you have what it takes and much more.
Much Love and support,
NapI appreciate the honesty we are bringing to this issue. It’s not easy for anyone.
I would like to put a “hold” on the advice about not doing anything for a year. If the person who is traumatizing you is in your space, you may well need to move out or have him move out in order to establish safety. I lived separately in our home with my SA for just over 4 months. I couldn’t sleep because I was afraid he would kill me in the guest room—the rationale was simple—it was the only thing he had left to do after destroying all the pieces of my life that mattered. This was PTSD, of course. As my exhaustion multiplied, so did my PTSD symptoms. The job I need so desperately began to suffer. I shudder to think what state I would have been in if I had allowed this living arrangement to continue. He left. After he left I realized that the house itself was not safe—he could come and go and I never knew when, and also our home was part of what he had violated with his addiction. Everywhere I went there were panic points. Our children were gone and the house was not needed. We sold it and thank goodness we didn’t wait as the prices the next year were much worse. I found a townhouse half the size that I felt safe in and bought it. Only to find that my husband got my son to give him a key, and he entered my home without my permission—he couldnt’ stand the lack of power he had over my ability to feel safe. So don’t be naive and think that he doesn’t have a vested stake in you staying in that house with him that is ALL about the addiction and his narcissism. We had a real humdinger over that event and his therapist stepped in to reprimand him and I have not had that trouble since. So all of this was done in the first year, for my well-being. Every single decision turned out to be exactly what I needed in order to survive and recover. So bear this in mind.
The “wait a year” is mostly designed by the treatment models for the sake of the addict and the successful co-opting of the wife into a codependent caretaker role. It is based on an assumption that the wife is NOT traumatized by the SA or what he has done, so her needs for safety on every level are ignored. It also ignores the controlling narcissism that marks so many addicts.
Now I don’t think anyone could co-op Kim into anything, so there are some who can wait safely for a year. But some of us need to look after ourselves, because ain’t nobody else doing it. And that may mean making decisions in that first year that include living apart and moving.
So I agree with NAP—use yourself as your point of reference. Do what you need. Know why you are doing it. Trust yourself.
Oh honey, honey…
When your h says:
‘Bear with me. I have so much to learn.’
translation:
“I have so much to learn about how I can whip you back in line woman. And this situation is something that I’ve never read about or saw in a movie, so I’m so lost and confused, but I’m getting there.”
That’s what he means, but we are using our normal logic to infer that he’s REALLY trying to be that man we “thought” he was.
That man is a fake. He’s a cardboard cut out. He’s a cartoon character. There’s something that just doesn’t ring quite true. We couldn’t quite put our fingers on it, but now we are beginning to see the light.
Again, this applies to both predator and the composer; not my h who’s just a depressed miserable slob.
I suppose there are at least two sub-types of sex addicts.
1) The narcissistic egotistical controlling sociopath
2) The depressed, no self-esteem, whatsoever, controlling passive-aggressive slob.
With possibly some overlap of the two, to greater or lesser degrees.
Oh, the learning curve here is so steep.
I have come up with the conclusion that its never a mistake to leave.
how could it be worse to be free of someone who would claim to love us and at the same time, be so phenomenally humiliating and disrespectful?
its one, or the other; it can’t possibly be both.
***
I love you Diane. You’re my heroine and the coolest, wisest minister on the fucking planet!!!
I have a fantasy about one day, (no, I haven’t found the real you!— yet! lol) just showing up and sitting in your congregation and in the middle of your sermon you will recognize me, as I’ll be the one wearing bright red lip stick and a huge grin all over my face…
Then, you’ll just say “amen” mid-sentence and we’ll go out and have that drink together. (that is… if you don’t have a hot date!)
just a fantasy. 😉
And one day when I have chased away the last scraps of fear about this whole experience that haunt my life, I will tell you where you can find me and be waiting with bells on! But I’ll probably finish the service first. I’m just kind of like that.
love, D.Kim, my h says the same thing about how it wasn’t him, it was the addict. I’ve said some choice things back to him, ‘So if it wasn’t your #!*& in their %!$#%, then whose was it?’ It’s not like they’re drunk out of their skulls when they go off and do this, which at least might be just a little easier to wrap one’s head around.
NAP, I hope I get to the point where I feel like I know anything to be true. Right now I feel like a sponge. I go back and forth like a yo-yo, trying to get some sort of basic footing that eludes me.
Diane, we’ve been separated for going on three months. When I first found out, I told him to leave, but ten days later I said to come home. I don’t know what planet I was on at that time..I guess Planet PTSD. Then I ended up hitting him one night after he’d been back in the house about 10 days, and at that point I told him we had to separate. I’m not a violent person, and I’m only 4’11, but there I was, giving him a belt to the jaw, and I was scared of what I was turning into. He’s showed up a couple of times unannounced, ostensibly to tell me that he’s had some sort of epiphany or something.. which seems to last all of ten minutes.. but he hasn’t showed up lately. I’m not worried about him physically hurting me.. It’s the other way around! Diane, how did you manage to find the physical and mental energy to sell the house? I can’t even fathom getting it together to do that any time soon. I feel so dead.
Lexie, that’s what scares me.. that he is a cardboard cutout. And that he can’t even help it. What also scares me is how did I not know this 22 years ago? I used to tell him that he seemed detached, but I just shrugged it off because I figured I was no prize either with my neuroses and anxiety disorders out the wazoo. But now his detachment and his ability to compartmentalize and minimize is just too surreal in the face of this. He was my best friend.. Sometimes it’s all just too much to take in.
Thank you so much, everyone, for everything.
Annie xoxoI slapped my H too. I wish it would have been a punch. I may yet.
Anyone who has concerns about safety, I suggest a fingerprint lock. They really aren’t that expensive. And a vindictive ex/spouse is going to need to chop somebodies finger off to get a “key.” I’ve had to do this. (nothing to do with my current situation)
Kim, I love your csat. They all need to HEAR her. I actually slapped the —- out of my h. He had to tell everyone he fell on his surfboard. He’s a big guy and could easily restrain me, but chose not to. I know I should feel awful, and I did immediately after, but I don’t now. (?) An adult daughter was home and had to clean up all of the broken glass because after I left the room I went upstairs and smashed a glass against the wall. I feel worse that she had to hear it all and get me to go on a walk to calm down.
Again and again I hear all of us lament the same thing: ‘he wasn’t who I thought he was’. It’s still mind blowing.
I regard the 3-5 yr period as the approximate amount of time it takes for US to realize we are married to very sick people who do not value our feelings or our lives. Their so called love is actually need and NOT the healthy kind.They want to do the things they do and they want to use us up as well. It is a terrible shock…first finding out what they do and then understanding what their actions really mean. No wonder we grab onto recovery like a life boat? In the end it isn’t a lifeboat we need. We need a better ship! Karen xx
Hi All,
Diane, you said what i was going to say. I do not condone the 1 year period, and i 100% agree with diane about the role they expect us to play. The whole plan for them is to get wifey back in a corner, cover it all with spacke and tape, and it will be flawless again. In no way do they even expect us to be able to be angry, upset, anything. And its …when are you going to five it all back??? No how are you feeling, how has this affected you, what do you need? Its all about him asking what he needed to get back in?? Really truely coming from SA’s therapist. And this was a few short months after i found out that he was viewing porn in front of our daughter. Soooooo, my body said no f-ing way, and also as time further went on, i could not even be in the same house anymore. I do not regret splitting before that one year mark, we split at about the six month mark, and i have to say i would probably be mentally unstable at this point if he stayed. Theis one year mark, is forcing co-dependency i think. and if you were not before you would be after they, the addict and the therapist, are done with you.Because what are we supposed to do…listen to ourselves and our feelings. If we are dying inside and cannot do it anymore why should we stay? We should not. To not honor your feelings is co-dependent.
Love,
flora
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