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The link didn’t work but you all can figure it out 🙂
We tend to dismiss a lot because we are so damn convinced that our guys aren’t cheaters, they are SEX ADDICTS…..
They aren’t anything special or different … They are straight up cheaters. I don’t care why. I don’t care if they stop. I don’t care if they end up being Cannonized by the Pope and sit on the right hand of God himself in Heaven… They are CHEATERS.
You know the saying. “the best predicter of future behavior is past behavior”. People simply do not change who they are at their core. The sex addict title gives them a way out…Oh, poor me. I am sick. Nope, I don’t buy it. Everyone has choices. There are consequences for every choice we make in life, good or bad.
Yep, they are dime-a-dozen douchebags, thousands, no, millions of others just like them out there. Nothing special about them at all. Drooling horndogs, out for a cheap lay anywhere, anytime with anything that has a hole and a heartbeat. Eeeww, no loss, those ho’s can have ’em.
lol, liza! I can only fantasize about that! I hope someday he gets busted in a massage parlour raid or gets that crap kicked out of him by some ho’s boyfriend or husband.
I love you Liza… I truly do.
I have been up since 2:00 am ( couldn’t sleep… Looked at old photos yesterday…. BAD idea). Although I had a purpose, making a collage for my parents of all the kids, it was really stupid of me to think I could look at them. Back in the day ( before all digital) , I painstakingly put all pics in albums and took the time to write in them each month … Words to my precious babies…. What was going on, what wonderful thing they had done, how much I loved them etc….
Now, it makes me vomit.
Note to self: Do NOT look at old photo albums unless dickhead is dead 🙂
I totally agree, Bev. I did the same thing for Halloween photos. My daughter wouldn’t believe she had dressed up as Jasmine one year and wanted proof. It just about killed me to look at the photos. Pisses me off that he has done this to me, too.
i dont miss the 5 nights a week therapy and support groups… i miss his willingness to do that.
i dont miss looking at his hands and face that used to make me melt and those feelings turned to nausea thinking how could he?!! those are my hands, my face!
i dont miss looking at the trace on his phone holding my breath, i miss that he offered to have that done.
i dont miss being a warden and getting receipts for every cash/non atm purchase, i miss that he would voluntarily give them to me to show where and what the cash was being spent on.
i dont miss hyperventilating crying that came along every time i passed one of the spas or hotels, or visuals, i miss his support, (seemingly so) sincere compassion, remorse and promising he will never hurt me like that again.
i dont miss the text messages having to check in, i miss the “im thinking of you my love, are you doing ok today?”
“im getting the help, thank you for not giving up on me, i’ll deserve you one day, i promise”
i dont miss reminiscing about the times when we’d be having such good moments occasions and then coming to know he was lying the whole time, i miss the new beginnings, the new memories “better ones” we were creating.
i dont miss feeling like a pathetic fool completely getting taken advantage of, i miss how we would express that no, we’re not married, no, we dont have children, we’re (here at this couples retreat) fighting for this relationship because its worth fighting for, we want to.
i dont miss needing tools to help communicate rather than it coming naturally, i miss using the tools we learned in group, and poking fun at ourselves at some of the stuff in the workbooks and the confidence we had that one day, this will always be there, but the ugliness will be behind us.
i dont miss the begging and pleading and awful serious fightingg, i miss the vulnerability showing, the strained difficult opening up but jumping out of the comfort zone to do so.
i dont miss the silence due to resentment, closing off, hatred, anger, i miss the calm afterwards the lengthy kissing, embraces that doesnt come along often, in this world at all.im a mess, i know.. and now im crying.
we, i really, put my heart and soul into all of this. ive battled w bouts of depression for many years, had a horrible side affect from a medicine that landed me in the hospital, my oarents divorce was brutal and i was the only one living at home at the time (youngest if five)my dad passed away from cancer when i was 25. i found my mom passed away in her bed, unexpectedly dec 2007 and two weeks later found my brother after being missing fir two days, in his truck passed away from toxins in his blood, potential overdose of psychiatric medication he was 55.
some other instances too, i have a long list if traumas that ive survived, this is such a different kind, tho, it feels unbearable surreal to me at times… how could anybody do this to somebody, but to me??!! im the strongest person i know, ive HAD no choice, ive had to be… i feel so broken, i got so ugly w my rage. i so desperately wanted a rewarding outcome out of all this, and he truly made me believe that there will be one.wow, that was a powerful post Rita. I am so sorry. I feel the same way right now and I am in the middle of the storm. Only found out after 21 years of marriage, in mid April, what was really going on. It was like an Alien had stolen my real husband and there was a monster standing in front of me. I am still wrapping my head around all the stuff he has done. It makes no sense.
When we took those vows….I meant every single word. If he had become sick or disabled, I would have never strayed, I would have taken care of him and loved him….IN SICKNESS AND IN HEALTH.I too have break downs and fits of rage, and moments of disbelief. I will have panic attacks driving past certain places. Its horrible.
Last night I was finishing decorating the tree. My H was at his meeting, my daughter was with her boyfriend, our son is away at University. Just me and the furry babies. I had the fire going….I got all my pretty ornaments done….then I opened a box of special ornaments that have real meaning. My heart sank when I saw the little gingerbread men we bought at a craft xmas sale on a snowy night, our very first xmas together, I was pregnant with our son….and it was truly out of a movie night. I teared as I looked at those gingerbread men. We were soooo broke back then, we couldn’t afford too much and these little gingerbread men, were adorable and cheap. I just couldn’t put them on the tree last night. So I boxed them back up and put everything else away.
On the weekend I had a breakdown about what has happned and I threw my simple gold wedding band out in the woods. I never want to see that band ever again…..it means shit to me.
I’m so sorry sweetie but this is no fairy tale. That may sound brutal after you poured out all that pain but please know for a fact that we have all felt that debilitating pain. We have all thought we would not and could not survive. Most of us weren’t even sure we wanted to survive. We were all sure our husbands were different and our stories could be different and WE weren’t like those others….
Some are different but it’s the same basic plot and we do NOT go riding off into the sunset with prince charming SA…
Find someone else to love and touch and hug and kiss and laugh and stuff…. The one you are crying over does not exist. He doesn’t even really know his own self, so there is no way that you know him either. It is impossible to be truly in love with someone that does not even exist.
Grieve and give yourself time and then go find that real guy that has all those qualities that you love….
shattered dreams, the big point in my post, is, I DONT WANTTO MISS THAT STUFF ANYMORE! ya know? it sucksss this pain has to end.
we had been talking about giving it another try… its like ok, well, either we’re fully into it and see one last time how things go, or we dont do this. AND thats it! if we decide not to try again, pain has to be gone! and if we do decide to try again, and it, doesnt work, thats it! this pain has to gooo!
ya know?? enough! i want to move forward. i want to love again, obe day. i dont want to wake up every morning w it on my mind and go to bed at night the same thing… and throughout the day be consumed by it mostly.. i hate to admit it, but time is true, while im no where near where i want to be in terms of healing from this, i have simewhat improved, slighttttly but signufucantly. i just want to look at an asian, a pretty girl, drive down a road and not feel the nausea, anger, start to cry or all three anymore….And FYI, all those nice texts…. Let me just tell you so all the other sisters won’t have to ( I’m in a mood today anyway so what the hell)……
I was never one to need or want a text and 5 million phone calls a day. I’m not really a needy, clingy, gushy person ( shocker 🙂 )
After he said we should go to marriage counseling ( before I knew anything was even wrong), I suggested that we could perhaps text a couple of times during the day to just say “hi” or “how’s your day going?”….. You would have thought I had asked him to cut off a limb. Oh hell NO… We can’t text, that won’t solve anything.. Blah blah blah ..
Once I busted his ass…. Just guess who sends me texts every day?
Okay, now guess how much I care?
Rita, I swear you are going to be okay. You are not okay right now and you won’t be okay tomorrow. But as God as my witness…. You will be okay honey.
i didnt need that stuff/texts before either, it was helpful and encouraging, tho, when he’d do it, after i found out… even before i found out, like i said it wasnt a necessity, but it was heartwarming a form of romance, i dunno, im broken damaged for sure.. i had gotten into desoaration, but that isnt who i am… and prince charming is not what i expect thats a for sure, not even w someone new…
God, Rita, you have been through so much. And yet you sound still strong underneath it all. I am so sorry for everything you’ve gone through in a short amount of time, but I have a feeling you are going to be way way more than ok. Big hugs. xoxo
thanks anniem, great name! i’mdoing the best i can, these setbacks are just so brutal… how are you doing?
Liza you crack me up so much. I was laughing so hard my son asked me what was wrong. I have a book I keep of Liza Quotes. You are really something 🙂 Thanks
hugs
MoniqueOh, my gosh, the text thing. Me, TOO! After d-day, I desperately wanted attention and practically begged him to respond to my texts once or twice a day, and he was ……”too busy.” This is a man whose affairs were primarily text communication, mixed in with some emails. When I checked the phone records, I could see that he texted the “her” of the moment ( actually it was several months, but I like the phrase “her” of the moment better, so I’m going with it) at least a dozen times EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. and he initiated way more than half. I didn’t have the self esteem to suggest he should text me, I would have been happy to have him respond to my text. Just another way to keep the “wife that he loves more than anything” in her place. Fuck that.
Bev, I’m surprised you don’t see yourself as gushy:) You are delightfully warm and gushy in a tough Southern Belle kind of way. Love the combination.
Rita, I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through right now. It really won’t be like this forever, but I wouldn’t have believed anyone who told me that then. You just have to take what comes and keep moving forward.Also, Liza, I think you are amazing..athletic, undoubtedly beautiful, and brilliant. I , too, have a journal full of Liza quotes.
Thank you Courtney…
I just feel like vomiting up the whole mess today over and over again….normally I do okay but not today. I have thought of things today to say to him ( you know, the fantasy conversations you have in your head that you are so eloquent and he just curls up and dies on the spot)… Anyway, you all have been great listeners and supporters today for me. And I have NOT had any idiotic conversations with him!! Yay me 🙂
Liza, you are just the bomb darlin’…. Some day we will go shopping together and put our SA’s in the poor house ( that is after you get your beach house!!)
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