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Those of you that have left or are in process of leaving your SA. How did you deal with the anger / grief?
Oh. I am just so pissed off. pissed pissed pissed. I mean I am not a danger to anyone, I don’t want to hit or break things.
But i am so pissed off at this guy. that brazil and trannys and his precious male entitlement and OCD / control factor– are all so much more important than the love of a woman who has been beside him all these years.
Every decision was based on what would be good for the marriage. for all of us. for him. I mean me too, of course, but I embrace us as a unit. what was good for one, was good for all. If he was successful, I was successful. If the business made money, I made money.
all the while I was conned. thousands and thousands of dollars thrown away. mis accounted for. on dangerous behavior. at my expense. my job? took it to help the family during a recession. i hated it at first. but I sacrificed and did it.
all the while my income whittled away on whores and drugs and his selfish needs.
I never knew someone could be capable of such deceit or selfish behavior. it never even occureed to me it was happening, because I never knew those things were even on the menu. or could be on the menu.
i am generous to a fault. boy, did that card get played to the hilt. what an asshole.
anyway — the anger thing? does this subside? or will I be “Carrie” and SWF combined forever? I hope not.
This anger is different. It is Grief ridden. like the anger you have when you lose someone you love. relate?
((Hugs)) Pam. I haven’t left my h totally, but we’ve been separated since August. And I can relate to the crazy anger. Though you’re way more in control than me by not wanting to break things. Last night I shoved all his nice dress shirts and jackets into a big ol’ Hefty bag, and could have happily thrown china at the walls if I didn’t have three kitties who would have been scared shitless.
And it is grief-ridden. I think it’s a feeling of utter powerlessness in an upside-down world dealing with our men..our best friends, our confidantes.. who turned out to be total strangers. It.just.can’t.be. And what makes it all even more farked up is that there are times when we can see them as scared little boys and then we feel sorry for them. And then we’re raging again. I’m no expert on when the anger will subside. At the time it feels like it never will. But it has to dissipate eventually. Sometimes what helps me is if I’m in a calmer moment, I think back to when I was raging, and realize that for now, at least, I’m not. But it’s a day by day thing. Sometimes an hour by hour thing. If you’re a praying person, that can help too. I have to learn to get out of my own way when I pray though, because my head is racing so much. Hang in there, Pam. You’re not alone in what you’re feeling. And I think you are very courageous. xoxo
Pam, I left 18 months ago and the anger comes and goes. I find somedays that I am still incredibly angry and other days still desperately sad. I still am mourning the marriage, i still feel stuck sometimes and want to get back together with him and then other times I still wish he had died before discovery of all this shit.
Im guessing that its years and years away for true peace to come. I really have no idea.
I guess this is where we have to do the one day at a time bit and where we have to sit with the feeling and let it go. I love how that sounds and sometimes I can do it. Sometimes I cant. As annie says – I think we are quite normal.
xI can comment on this as I was the angriest wife of a cheater EVER. I thought the rage would NEVER end. I thought it would kill me…it almost did. It took all the joy out of life and tainted everything. It would dissipate for awhile and then return with a vengence. I allowed myself to do whatever I wanted when I raged. I said whatever I wanted. I ranted and raved and then felt drained until it built up again. It was an incredibly unhealthy way to live but I couldn’t seem to stop it. I now believe it’s purpose was to hold a huge wall of grief and sadness at bay and to let me think I had some control in a situation where I had little. It hasn’t been away that long and it occasionally still comes to visit…but I can say that it is no longer my constant companion. To allow such rage to overtake you is to allow yourself to be a victim because no one can really live when they are that angry all the time. That is not to say that anger cannot be a good thing, because it can. Many women here should have got good and angry a LONG time ago and then acted on it. Anger can be a warning that something is wrong and it can be a short term motivater…like an adrenaline rush? I think some anger is normal and healthy… after losing our marriages and years of our lives to such BS. But living with rage is a trap of its own and no way to go forward. I think your anger is well warranted Pam and falls in the healthy category. I do not think it will be your constant companion. I think it will fade when you get this behind you and begin to live fully again. It may come to visit as a normal part of grief and mourning but it will not stick around. You are going to be ok. Karen xx
thank you Karen. that actually made me feel better.
I feel less angry this evening. as all of you mentioned, it comes and goes. in good moments — I can forgive.
I am so glad that some of you shared your experience with revenge and getting even. As you all know I am at the beginning of the divorce process. If I wanted to, I could be a nightmare. liquidate all. force sale of half of business. push through litigation. in the end it still has a chance of going that way if it gets ugly.
My approach? reasonable–attainable–plan to have 2 independent households that can run on their own. we have come up with our own written a greement and are submitting to counsel to advise and get started.
I have decided to buy my freedom, essentially. he loves money more than anything. I even think that by showing no real vengance, other than the split itself, within reason, it actually points to who the culprit is here. and makes me look like the classy lady I am. I believe I will get it all back, and then some.
but in the bad moments, I want to sink the ship, bring it all down. get justice. but you are so right, it is like drinking poison and thinking the other person is going to die. they’re just not. at least, not now.
funny– he went to therapy today. this is new. asked me to make sure not to leave check books around they trigger him. i said ok. what’s he gonna do when I am not here? best talk to therapist about that one. ya think??
I am new to this forum. I’ve been separated from my SA and soon to be ex husband for a year – I finally filed for divorce a month ago. I have cycled through more emotions in a 12-month period that I think I did in the previous 46 years but anger has been a close companion for much of the past year. Even after a year of separation (and lots and lots of therapy and support and the occasional glass of wine or two) the anger remains fresh as I struggle to extricate myself from the wreckage of my marriage.
Anger can be good as it has emboldened me and protected me when I was at my most vulnerable.
When I discovered the betrayals, prostitutes, affairs, tens of thousands of dollars wasted and the life of lies.…I was already beyond unsafe. I had been emotionally mowed over so many times I think that you could read the “Firestone” label on the back of my soul.
For me, after the initial shock I actually dove in and not out of my marriage (super stupid and crazy, I know – hence the need for lot of therapy). I kept trying to find some kind of elusive connection and recognition and solve this “problem” even though this “problem” was not my own. I think that is why my SA chose me. My perpetual search for this connection is my drug of choice, and in the past this has been my quest – to forever seek a connection wiith a man that cannot be found (as my SA has no real soul or conscience to connect from).
My anger woke me up. It was a cruel wakeup call but it pulled me from a pathetic and dismal place that I had let myself descend to and it gave me resolve and energy to get out of my pathetic situation, before I had any.
Recovery from my SA and narcissistic husband has been an exercise in creating first a physical distance and then a mental distance. As I create a safe place for myself, I can let the anger go and start to process the other feelings – especially the profound sadness at the realization of the loss of what I thought I had and who I thought I knew.
So Anger can be helpful. Just don’t let it take over. Let it help you get to a safe place.Welcome my dear friend Julie! You will love it hear, no doubt. Lots of support, words of wisdom and laughter through the tears. I’m so glad that we got to know each other despite the terrible circumstances.
My SAH’s latest thing is that there are things in life (e.g. his sister’s baby in a coma) that are “terrible beauties” (there is apparently Irish poem about this). That’s what I think about SA – good does come out of it. We are all stronger and wiser from it, and hopefully our children won’t experience the cycle of abuse that brought us here.
Deb,
I honestly have a difficult time finding ANYTHING GOOD about the SA situation in my life. The only thing I can think of is the wonderful women and friendships I have found through this site. (yourself included) 🙂Hi Julie and a big welcome to you! I swear you could have been married to my SA as I related to your every word. Kudos to you for finding the strength and resolve to free yourself. The best gift you could ever give!!
Jos- love what you said about “sit with the feeling and let it go”! Perfect! (Remember my MONTHS on the patio!) There is no way around it! Don’t run from it, don’t hide from it. Feel the fear. Feel the pain. Feel the grief. And then for the love of God- DO IT ANYWAY!! (Free yourself!)
Karen- you are getting there…bit by bit! You have been through SO MUCH, I am still in awe! You, my friend, are going to be ok too!!! XO!!
Dearest Pam,
I am so glad that you are posting these thoughts as they are going through your head! It is therapeutic for you whether you realize it or not! And everything you are feeling is so completely normal! Yep, I’m sure you’ll have a Carrie day or two….but that’s ok!! Anger actually was my friend. I operate much more effectively when I’m mad instead of sad! Get mad girl! It’s good for you! Let it out and let it go! We can’t fix this mess and that’s where some of the anger comes from! But we can make it BETTER by setting ourselves free of this nonsense. And that’s exactly what you are doing! I hear your desire to be in a loving relationship. I know you don’t want to be a SWF forever! And you won’t! You will get what you want in the end….it just won’t be with who you thought it would be with! Sad, BUT- when you find your REAL soulmate, you can begin to see why things worked out the way they did. It will be like an aha moment! It won’t erase the tragic past, but it might change your perspective on it! And, After all, isn’t everything about perspective?
You just take these random emotions….one by one…and let them be. They too, will pass. Feel what you need to feel as you wrap up this journey. Get it out and get it over with. It will be done soon enough! 🙂
My college student son is on spring break in NYC. He is literally having the time of his life! We had a nice long chat on the phone tonight and somehow the ex SAH came up in conversation. (Sam’s stepdad). There was a couple pieces of juicy news that I had just heard from SA today and I was sharing it with Sam. Typical, stupid, SA shit. We had a good laugh about it and commented how much nicer and healthier it was to view SA’s latest escapades from our current vantage point (as in long gone-out of SA’s life!) It actually didn’t even hurt to talk about him. The stupid tricks he continues to be up to didn’t even trigger me at all. I’m not saying that something that may be discussed tomorrow or next week or month WONT be a trigger, because who knows? But what I AM saying is – it DOES get easier!! A little bit more every day! Have faith. Be patient. As Karen said, you are gonna be just fine!!!
Love,
SL
I just wanted to add my opinion to SL’s that there is nothing “terribly beautiful” about this. Not one bit. “Terrible beauty” is having the privilege of being in the room, touching your 24-year-old sister’s body as she dies from cancer. It is watching the paralympics. It’s seeing a veteran who suffered so badly from PTSD that he couldn’t leave his room out for the first time with his new therapy dog. It is NOT the pervsersion and nastiness of SA and anything that comes of it.
re: the terrible beauty thing.
My SA’s also needed/wanted to make something “special” out of his compulsive secret masturbation and God knows what else, his cruel and constant critique of me, blaming his porn on our oldest son, the devastation of our family life, and the loss of our family home. This is a classic tactic of narcissism. They are really “great artists” of human pain and longing. Mine had these delusional perspectives as well. I was someone who might be able to “make something” out of this, and be grateful for his muse. Don’t fall for it. Whoever wrote that line about “terrible beauty” was not thinking about genital warts.Diane – I laughed out loud with your “genital warts” comment. (I think my SAH gave them to me, too).
The “terrible beauty” thing that I talked about refers to what we make of adversity in our lives – but that is “god given” adversity. I don’t think that SA is “god given” – it’s pure evil.
Deb
March – I think I need a therapy dog to get me out. Seriously – I was just thinking about that. I know that the best thing for me is to go out, get a full-time job that I love, meet with friends, and stop focusing on my SAH. But I’m stuck. Maybe I should up my Lexipro dose? Force myself to go to the gym? I’m definitely in a rut this week (it’s pouring down rain so that might also have something to do with it).
I am NO expert and very knew to the whole SA thing… But for 2 years I have been dealing with H trying to pin everything on me which did result in depression. I went to my therapist and asked specifically to avoid drugs if possible ( my mom a pill junkie and bipolar). She directed ne to exercise. I hate gyms, I hate exercise but I did it. It reallydoes help! My therapist told me when the panic/ stuck/ fill in blank hits then stop and do jumping jacks or run in place or jump rope or walk the dog….. Get your body moving and blood pumping!! It works. Just do it (Nike )
Hello
Dear Julie. thanks for your insightful post. And I agree, there are positive aspects to anger. It actually gets us to DO something. It can move us into action mode/from fence mode. Sorry for your past year. And I have to say, I agree, talk about emotions all over the place and then some. perhaps it has been like a drug of some sort. always in crisis mode. cant live like that.
while i have not done anything legally until now, since D day it has been on and off separate rooms. it has been like a seperation of sorts. I really relate to what you are going through. And I commend you on filing for divorce. it is a BIG step. but a necessary one. Do you work Julie? do you plan to go back if you don’t? just curious. My job has absolutely saved me in many ways. psychologically, financially.
SL — as always I so appreciate your support. YOu are such a success story to me. And I know, I am sure you have your moments, but wow, how nice to have a 360 degree view instead of in your face everyday. Gawd what’s that like? must be heaven.
btw I am having a really good day today. Feel good about my decision to move on. feel good about me. H leaves me alone at night. I go to my room. he goes to his. he knocks before he comes in. something in my heart keeps saying– the next few months before I go, are going to go by fast. before I know it, it will be here.
Diane
Could you please explain what is meant by narcissists are “great artists” of pain and longing? Does that mean they create drama or they somehow enhance, distort painful experiences into drama that serves them? Sorry for the questions but I am just curious what this means and what an example of this behavior would be because it may explain some things I have seen and heard.
Thanks so much,
EllenYes, thank you march. I meant that a narcissistic can’t think of themselves in any ordinary, pedestrian way. They must believe they are very very special indeed. So they manufacture delusions for themselves. Their heinous deeds and the consequences are not the simple acts of selfish, unfeeling, cruel people—they prefer to imagine they are “great artists of pain and longing”.
Thanks for setting me straight on that. Sometimes things just are not obvious to me. That could explain a lot!
EllenLove this quote: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounding yourself with assholes.” ~ William Gibson
I have been in and out of anger for the last year, but anger had been my savior, it had saved me from my manipulative h as he was constantly using his old charming ways ( which he used in the beginning when we first met but then when we got married went quickly by the sideways) to wow me again, to drag me back into his defective net, and I would sometimes see my self slipping into that hole, into his trap, but I would use anger to pull myself out of his world to the light again. I thought I should fight anger and not let it fester into my soul but I am just giving myself break I am letting my own body heal on its own base, after all I believe that god had provided our bodies with great healing ways, and anger is one of them but we should just trust in our own body in our instinct and let the healing takes its time, and I really believe for beautiful healthy women like you are here in this place, anger is one way your body uses to heal from all the abuse we were enduring.
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