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My husband has admitted to being with prostitutes six times and making dates, then canceling them with other prostitutes, and compulsively using porn and reading reviews on escort review sites. I find myself yearning for more details about these activities but whenever I ask he tells me that either he’s told me everything or that he doesn’t remember.
I’m wondering how detailed are the formal disclosures with a CSAT and/or lie detector. Do the SAs outline the when, where, who, what, why? Or is it more of a list of behaviors, eg: I slept w x number of prostitutes, had countless erotic chats, and surfed porn and dating sites.
I’m trying to figure out if I’m being reasonable about the depth of detail I’m looking for my h to volunteer.
Thank you, AnneI can’t answer you about disclosure because I did not have one.
I found enough information to know that I was done, and the information I have is hard enough to deal with.Yearning for more information like you describe can be part of the hypervigilance of PTSD. Are you working with a trauma therapist? That feeling does get better over time, but it is terrible at first and it can take quite awhile for it to diminish at all. Having the SA around can even make it worse, in my experience, especially if you feel like they are withholding which they undoubtedly do. And then often they dribble out a detail here and there which only serves to traumatize you even more.
I would not ask him for more details and I would not expect that he is telling the truth. Save it for a formal disclosure and find someone who is familiar with this process to work with you.
I’m sorry, Anne, I know this is so traumatic. It does get easier. What is your bottom line? How much are you willing to accept as far as what he has done?
I didn’t have one either Anne. For me, all I knew was bad enough and it was a lot already. Plus, my Xh is in such denial his disclosure would have been a hoax. Much like our marriage, except for my kids of course, I love them dearly.
Anne, Teri is right, you are need to know more is part of the trauma you are going through, I did not get a formal disclosure either, but he told me a lot which he afterward denied but what ever he told me about his sexual activities are now imprinted in my head forever, they are sick and damaging knowledge/memories.
The way it works Anne, is the counselor has him write out a complete disclosure of everything he has done and then he reads it to you in the counselors office. It is good if you have your own counselor there at the same time.
After he has read it you are allowed to ask him anything you like. Some counselors will want to limit what you ask, but I say ‘bullshit’. You have a right to know whatever YOU feel is necessary.
Then the disclosure is followed immediately by a polygraph where he is asked if he was truthful in his disclosure, if he lied about anything, if he left anything out and if he answered all of your questions truthfully.
The disclosures and polygraphs should be done by people who are trained in doing them with Sex Addicts. Hiring your own polygraph tester is not advisable and not usually accurate. The questions need to be specific and targeted toward the disclosure that just happened.
That pretty much covers all of it. If he fails the polygraph he may cry foul, and a follow up disclosure and polygraph is done. If he fails twice kick his ass to the curb. ~ JoAnn
Thanks for the details JoAnn. I appreciate your question Teri – my therapist actually asked me the same thing the other day and I didn’t have an answer for him. What is enough? Where do I draw the line? Sometimes I rationalize that six prostitutes over ten years somehow isn’t a big deal. It isn’t what others have faced. Maybe that is really all there is. Then I say to myself, “Six prostitutes?!?! Are you out of your mind?? Isn’t that enough? Combined with all the deceit?”
How can I figure this out?A word of caution on these disclosures with CSATS…they attempt to minimize the amount of sexual detail the wife is given. They know if she gets the whole enchilada, not only will she NOT be supporting the guy, but she won’t be working on any so called recovery with him. YOU determine what is included in the disclosure. If they try to leave out elements you want…just say My way or No way. After years of lies….no one but you should decide what will traumatize you more. Myself, I am of this opinion…. if there are details about what they do that are significant enough to traumatize you…those are EXACTLY the details you need. Karen x
Anne, where you wondered if you were being reasonable.. Over time I realized that there’s no such thing as our being unreasonable when it comes to this SA crap. Whatever we need to know, that’s just the way it is for us, and it’s up to the SA to cough it up. I went through a long period of wanting to know every damn detail..every conversation, every thought that went through his head. Was that unreasonable? No, I don’t think so, but it was unrealistic, I guess, since his little sex activities had spanned about a decade. But this shock and trauma leaves us not knowing who the hell we were with all these years, and desperately trying to fill in the blanks. As the other sisters said, what you want and need to know is a personal thing. Sending you big hugs and healing thoughts. xoxo
Anne, I had my formal disclosure about 3 weeks ago. I gave a list of questions I wanted answered to my H and to his CSAT. They worked together on the disclosure for about 5 months. His disclosure was essentially answers to all my questions and was more or less complete. I didn’t want any details of the sexual stuff. My primary interest was in knowing how long it had been going on and I was given that. My therapist was with me (it was at my H’s therapist’s office), I was given a separate room I could use any time I needed a break, and afterward I could ask any follow up questions I had. Personally, I was numb for days afterwards. Not so much from shock at what I heard, I didn’t hear anything too awful but just from the reality of the situation, I guess. My H was told to stick to strictly factual information for the disclosure – he was not supposed to apologize or bring any emotion into it because it wasn’t supposed to be about HIM and what he was feeling; it was supposed to be to provide me with the information I wanted. He did anyway to some degree and cried through most of it. He told me afterward that he was sure I would kick him to the curb immediately afterward. I haven’t done that – yet. 🙂
Annie,
I felt that my need to know was based on my desire to continue a relationship with my husband. I had made plans for my life based on what I thought was the truth, so if I were going to make new plans I wanted to be sure I really need the truth. After it became clear he was not committed to recovery, and I decided to leave, my urges to know the truth dissipated. Now there are times when I want to know about something, but it is mostly based on a memory In which there was something out of place and I wonder if it had to do with his SA. So if you need to know because you need a clean foundation to make your next decisions I think that is very fairI haven’t had a formal disclosure, but I do know it’s part of the plan. My sense is that it won’t be for a while, since the denial is thick as molasses. I’m looking forward to it, on the condition that he is honest. I don’t even care how bad it is, just don’t let it be a snow job. I don’t have a problem hearing the awful details (although it will hurt, I’m sure); if there are bad enough that I would leave him, them those are exactly te things I need to hear. I’m so sorry about the anguish you ladies had to experience as part of this process, it’s cruel and unfair. I want to get this over with so I can get on with my life.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way Jenny. The only way to “get on with your life” is to walk out and NEVER look back. If you go the rehab, therapy, disclosure, etc. route then you are in for a long journey…..
Bev: I can appreciate that, I really can. And there are very sizable odds that I’ll be doing just that: leaving him. And I’ve thought long and hard about this. I’ve reached the place where I can afford to give treatment one college try. Not because I’m hopeful that he will make some miraculous recovery and we’ll ride off in the sunset together. Unless I suffer a traumatic brain injury and am struck with amnesia. I spent years of pain, confusion, fear, and doubt with this guy. He is no different, but I am! I know my worth, and I’m not scared of a life without him. I can see it happening, and although it will be challenging to raise a son alone, it will in so many other ways be a relief. So in my current state of awareness, power, and seeing him for the messed up soul that he is, I can afford this. So when he fails, gives up, or otherwise does not “come to Jesus” then I, he, and everyone will know why. I feel pretty clear in this now, and no regrets. I may change my mind later, but it won’t be because I kept my head in the sand. I guess we all have to do what feels right in our hearts, and I can sleep easy knowing I did everything *reasonably* possible. No more, no less.
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