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So if you have First Right of Refusal in you divorce decree and your X emails you to tell you that his new Live In will be transporting your kids and her kids up to a cabin for the weekend (5 hour drive) alone, without your X because he has to work (he’s driving up alone later) how do you respond? This is happening to my recently divorced friend…all the crap her X is putting her through regarding the Other Woman/New Mommy Figure with regards to her kids is giving me pause about my own exit. What can you do in this situation? She emailed back that she was NOT okay with the girlfriend driving her kids…that they could stay with her and drive up with their Dad when he gets off work. Does anyone have any experience with this one?
I do not know what First Right of Refusal means. Is there no end to this BS? I would not want my children riding with the OW. So painful what everyone is going through. I am sad for the mothers of younger children that have to make these kind of decisions. It is terrible for everyone.
So sorry.I don’t know either, I’m with Cindy. I would rather drive my kids myself than let the OW drive them. At least I would know they were safe.
Wow. Stumped the SOS. That is hard to do! First right if refusal means when your X is “on” (parenting duty) and can’t be there, he needs to call you and give you first dibbs on your kids before he pawns them off on a sitter or The OW. I think you may ne able to get the Police involved if this is in yoir dicorce decree and your X violates it. It is amazing the extent of dumb ass things these men will atoop to and WTH is wrong with The OW? Allthough, the X probably has her snowed. If only women could be loyal to other women….deep sigh.
You should refuse. Your ex has visitation, NOT his girlfriend. She has NO legal rights to your children.
You would not send your children with any other stranger in that situation, would you? The courts will back you up on that one.
~ JoAnn
HE should be spending time with them. If HE cannot spend time with them, then they should have that time with you, not with some stranger. They are confused enough without adding even more stress.
He is a total asshole for even suggesting it. He’s taking advantage of her as well as you. ~ JoAnn
Has your friend heard back from her ex? Hope your friend’s attorney is in town if he puts up a fight.
Yep, the crap doesn’t end even when you divorce them, Helen. My SA father did everything he could to make my mother miserable, even showed up when my mother was dying of cancer and made an ass of himself (they’d been divorced 25 years). But I don’t think my mother ever regretted the divorce.
geez…Teri, that would be just my luck.. Dying of cancer in 25 years and have asshole show up..( probably with a hooker).
No, even worse- he showed up with my brother, wanting first dibs on her stuff. Walked into her hospital room and said loudly “Someone needs to pull the plug!”
OMG!!! Teri, I have a new respect for you as a Survivor! What did your Mom do right? When did you come to see the light? I want to read your story….you are second generation SA Survivor?! I’m so impressed!
Good God.. I have no words… Un fucking believable comes to mind. They say ( I always wonder who ‘they” is) that resorting to profanity means you have a limited vocabulary…I say it means you just know when the F word is really appropriate. This would be one of those times…
I am keeping my marriage on papers for these exact same reasons,
These idiots ( the fathers of our children) not only are immoral and sexual addicts but also lack any common sense, we have to protect them from that legal father that they haveThe way I feel about it, that I made a poor choice by picking this man to be their father, now after I discovered who he is I can not leave them under his control for anytime to screw them for the rest of their lives, I have to protect them in my own ways since I can not get the judges to throw this man in jail for his immorality and for destroying the family house
We are alone against them, and my small children have no power to stand up for their tyrant immoral sociopath father 🙁Well put Harmony. When your kids are old enough to report things back to you and as your SA progresses (as all addicts do) you may feel differently….but I stayed in 2005 for that same reason. There was no way I could leave. I was nursing a baby and pregnant with #4. As you kids get older, they will notice and pick up on his odd SA behaviors and think they are normal, because they love their Dad. As these behaviors progress into even more immorality, disrespect for you, checked out behavior, outbursts of anger, finacial ruin decisions….as the SA gets deeper into their insanity, they will take you down with them, unless you detach and divorce. I hope that doesn’t happen to you…but I haven’t read any post so far where the SA actually got better. I even offered an inhouse lega sep to my SA in hopes that I could protect myself financially and still keep Dad in the house for the kids. He said NO WAY IN HELL would he EVER agree to an inhouse legal sep-it had to be a divorce or I should “act like a wife in the bedroom.” Then in last stop marriage therapy he told me, he would consider an in house legal sep, with the understanding that he would be dating other people and if he was sure him “assuming all the risk” was something he could live with. !!!! I burst out laughing. WHO is going to DATE you when you are living at home with your wife and 4 kids I asked??? 🙂 And the Therapist asked, “What exactly are you talking about when you say you would be assuming all the risk??” Good Luck Harmony….I really do hope you make it work!
Helen, thank you for sharing your story, yes I am hoping once the kids are older and able to at least report back what is happening to them when I am not around I think I will have more leg room to move around,
so far we are separated I even had documents drawn by a lawyer separating us financially and spelling out where and when and how the children are spending their times, but we just did not file in the court.
I am sharing this for everyone else to learn that you can sometimes design your own solution that would work the best for your own situation.
Helen, I agree with you 100% about the progression of the disease and how it makes staying impossible. I would have agreed to a separation (out of house) until my son graduates with some very strict rules and boundaries, but as it turned out I was racing to file for divorce before the STBX did.
And I think I am more than 2nd generation SA survivor. My mother was molested by her father from age 5 to 12 when my granny finally gave him the boot. He was a well-known philanderer, and she had finally had enough. She never knew about him molesting my mom.
Harmony- I am so glad to hear that you have taken some steps to protect yourself legally/financially. Why legal sep versus divorce if you don’t mind me asking?
Teri – You sound like the strongest branch of the tree…the one your Grandma and Mom prayed for. I stand in salute of you.
Thanks, Helen, but I don’t know. My kids have been so hurt by their dad that I worry about their ability to have healthy relationships. My daughter is scared to death of physical intimacy and my son has a near breakdown when he sees Victoria Secrets commercials and he’s a 13 year old boy.
I have said this before, and I will say it again- staying with an SA does not protect your kids. They are going to be hurt no matter what you do. Just remember you did not hurt your kids- your spouse is responsible for that.
That is SUCH a good reminder. I worry the most about my youngest, concevied during disclosure. He’s only 6.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I do think the 12 steppers teach that living with an addict makes the whole family sick. Now I object to the calling us innocent bystanders sick, but I do get the point. The whole family becomes dysfunctional for a variety of reasons because they are trying to deal with someone with a mental impairment who does not admit they have a problem.
If everything is hush-hush and secret, it’s hard to realize the effect it can have on your kids because it is not overt. But the family dynamics will definitely be off. If it’s covert, kids won’t have an explanation as to why things are off and may end up blaming themselves, acting out, or just learning dysfunctional patterns. Kids of SA’s are at higher risk of becoming SA’s themselves even if they do not know about the SA (I read that somewhere- wish I could remember where).
Have your kids gone to any teen 12 step programs (for family members, not addicts), Helen (or anyone else)?
I have read through some Al-Ateen literature with my oldest, the only Teen, but I plan to do 12 step work with them once I’m through the divorce and my SA is out of the house. I agree with the trauma model for wives of SA’s….but the 12 steppers do have something to offer, because we ARE dealing with ADDICTS and everything you wrote about the family system becoming “ill” is what they teach at “the 12 step tables.”
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