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I have been going over my H’s latest disclosure. It is so sobering. 18 contacts with hookers, 4 MB to Porn after the engagement and before our marriage. 31 contacts and 4 MB to porn after our marriage, and the worst 5 direct requests for hooker’s company because he was “lonely” while we were married!!!! H swears he has been with another woman in any way since our engagement. Can you say polygraph?
But really, this quote says it all and makes it all a silly waste of time: ‘I explained how sex affects me personally. I just don’t think she gets it. I don’t think she understands it’s not about relationships. It is about feelings. I know how much she attaches sex to relationships but guys are wired different. I don’t know how much to reveal.”
Is there anything more clear than that? Can you say “hopeless”?
Oops, typo but maybe Freudian slip: “H swears he has [not] been with another woman in any way since our engagement.
wow! That’s the proverbial “stinkin thinkin” of a sex addict! He’s a real piece of work, honey.
feelings?
yeah… HIS FUCKED UP FEELINGS!!!
sorry, to yell… but that’s an enraging thing he wrote.
arrrgggghhh…
yes, I think we can safely say “hopeless.”
sorry. I really, really am!
And I got your meaning. Oh, BTW, did you know that there’s an edit button, which I use ALL the time, to make corrections, etc.? You can see it at the top of your post, and it’ll bring back your typing box, so that you can make the changes.
xo
PS: men have been using that “wired differently” excuse since Eve bit into that apple…
please notice it was EVE who was the naughty one? Or was she just desperate because Adam didn’t show up for dinner, yet again???
At any rate—
ITS CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!
men are not wired as differently as they like to think that they are… just SOME men are… and its not the HEALTHY ONES!!!!!!!!
Thanks, LLL, so I don’t have to send double messages.
I have to quit fooling myself that he’s in recovery. I told Cindy, he’s in “discovery”, not “recovery”. He got caught and is trying desparately how to LOOK like he’s trying without giving up his games. Sad, sad, sad man.
Just one more thought… There was a SA who had this so-called “recovery blog”…haha!!! no friggin’ way!!! it was just acting out, in a different fashion! But, thankfully its all gone… long story.
But, my point is that he would go on and on about “relational” sex with his wife.
ITS ALL RELATIONAL!!!
And then, he would go on and say something he learned in Church which was that married sex was “UNITIVE.”
wtf???
its a cock and pussy, dude– coming together.
ITS ALL THE SAME!!!!!!!! Its just that sometimes, you do it with the woman you are pretending to love, (or need for cooking, cleaning and laundry and a date for New Year’s eve and to keep everyone from thinking that you’re gay or weird) and sometimes you do it with a woman that doesn’t mean as much to you, because she’s a throw away and dames are a dime a dozen. 🙁
that’s the only difference.
Don’t even try to understand what he’s writing.
It doesn’t sound like he’s come any real stage of self-awareness at all. It’s still diminishing and excusing and denying. I really hope he one day gets real with himself, but please consider what this is costing you.
Dxo.It’s the ‘I don’t know how much to reveal’ part that enrages me. AS IF he still has the right to decide what and how much you know…AS IF he is responsible for creating the context within which YOU make decisions for YOUR life!
I know, there’s absolutely nothing there to build on at all.
I have an intuition that there are some very interesting things are on the horizon for my life. This last disclosure, and especially that comment, hurt like hell. I cried for 2 days straight. But then, I realized, this seals it for me. There are rumblings of real change taking place in my life. I was actually concerned about making major changes and the effect they would have on H and his recovery. I will have absolutely no qualms about going forward, without H, if the opportunity presents itself. But there will be a LOT of hesitation about giving him any place in my future.
I’m not going to mess with any of this “incompatible wiring” again.
Lynn,
He definitely gets an F for originality. It’s not about relationships… It’s about feelings? Somehow that thinking makes it worse IMO. He veered from the path of normal SA thinking there. Which is “it’s not about feelings, it’s about sex.” AND that part is true. These guys aren’t about “feeling”. Their acting out is supposed to be a numbingIf I read that I’d hit my h over the head with something heavy. No doubt there!!! You’re assessment that he is in discovery” seems to hit the nail on the head. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s up to him. But he has ro figure out all the screwed up beliefs he has before he can work on changing them. You can’t fix a car till you figure out what’s broken.
Where did he write that anyway?
in the disclosure he gave to me. I know the copies are carefully manipulated, though. He keeps several sets of “books”.
Ugh…. I hope one of these days you will get tired of this horse shit and move on…. Looking back from where I am now standing…..I see that so much of it is a joke! [on US]. You don’t need this in your life. I hate disclosures anyway….I think they are all only half truths at best!! Good luck!!
I have to say…I REALLY have no idea what this dude is talking about?? I mean he brings “SA speak” to an entirely new level for me.The only part I completely get is “I don’t know how much to reveal.” He is one crazy f–ker. Karen xx
yesterday I bought a jumbo pack of condoms and put them on his dresser. He asked “what is that?” I told him that I get it now. Sex is not about relationships, it’s about hookups. And he will not have sex with me unprotected, EVER AGAIN. And then I opened the box and gave him two and said, put these in your pocket. He asked why and I said, for when you have sex with other women.” He just gulped and said “I don’t want to do that, that was never my intention.” I said, you have a funny way of showing it, 49 contacts to hookers since we’ve been together. I am not at all interested in your intentions, it’s your actions that scare the hell out of me.
LOL March!!!
You’re amazing Lynn!
When he asks what is that? It made me think that he’s never seen a condom before. beyond scary.
no, they never INTEND to fuck us over, do they? 🙁 just taking care of his “feelings.”
right.
This is something he most likely read in a book, or heard Dr. Joyce Brothers say on TV– LOL, so now, he’s regurgitating it, cause it sounded like something that you would want to hear.
If only it made sense?
xo ~ L
He isn’t a very “bright” manipulator. He gave you a written disclosure? Tsk Tsk Tsk… he must have missed the part in the “how to be an @$$hole” hanbook that says to NEVER commit to anything inwriting.
He isn’t a very “bright” manipulator. He gave you a written disclosure? Tsk Tsk Tsk… he must have missed the part in the “how to be an @$$hole” hanbook that says to NEVER commit to anything inwriting.
Oh yeah, it got through. And how I got it in writing. He’s been flashing that thing at me for 2 weeks. He said he’s ready to tell me, and I said ok. He put it back in his briefcase and started to zip it and I said “Nah, just keep it there, then, none of it matters at all, now.” He got mad and said, “Doesn’t matter, doesn’t matter, and took it out and told me all that work showed how much he wants this to work. I said, ‘Ok, so make it work, stop holding that over my head and trust me for once. Give it to me.” He did.
Then he asked for it back. I said ok, gave it back and started walking out the door. He got scared and said “I understand, you’re right’ and gave it back.
Ta dah. sigh, sick stupid stuff to have to read. Crushing, bloody end of a life, all over again. Just in brighter colors with more vivid adjectives this time.
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