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This goes with the tears/emotions post. Since telling him I want a divorce and I want to leave- he has cried,begged, pleaded- asked for a month, made breakfast, walked the dogs with me(it used to be a few steps ahead).
I know I need to walk away, I know he will never change, I know he is manipulative.
But I feel like I am getting sucked back in and having the hardest time seperating myself.
It should be easy- I should pack up and leave, then serve him with divorce papers. Instead I sit here and listen and allow him to be nice and then when he tries to talk to me online I flip out again on him and tell him no- it is over, he has done too much and then I find myself listening and contemplating, even though I know he is manipulative and it won’t change.
just feel like I am in quick sand.
Oh sweetie, it all just sucks so bad. And it’s never easy. It always looks easier on paper, but the reality is very different. Forgive my bad memory, but how long has it been since discovery for you? xoxo
1st discovery was over a year ago but I was blind to it and believed him when he gave the whole ” my dad passed away, I just wanted to feel” speech. And I believed him when he went to therapy and that it was all better- so then I went ahead with the wedding.(I know I was crazy to do that… I didn’t want to admit to my family that I had moved for this guy, changed jobs, etc. and I was embarrassed- so I opted to believe him and not trust my insticts)
2nd discovery was about 2 or 3 weeks ago- and I learned a lot more then I did the first time around(i am also sure he is still hiding about 90% of what he has done.)This time he blamed it on me hating the cold in Colorado and that he felt that he had ruined my life with the move- and I said F you, I may say I don’t like the cold but I tell you a million things I do like and you are just using excuses for your behavior since you got caught (I caught him with no hard proof and then I posted my own ad on CL and got him to respond to it- and holy cow!! I can’t believe how many men did respond- i think something like 50 responses within 3 hours-disgusting)I sure understand the temptation to get sucked back in. And, since I did succumb many times, it extended the length of my suffering. In the end it has done long term damage that I will be lucky if I ever fully recover from.
The best way to hold them fully accountable? Not to extend them trust they do not deserve and to go on to find happiness with someone worthy of you.
I wonder what things would have been like if I had that kind of coaching? Every time I see Hilary Clinton, I think about what she is role modeling for the entire country or world for that matter. MEN CHEAT and WOMEN PUT UP WITH IT.
No MORE!
Desiree
If you stay with him then you will end up having children with him. While you are pregnant, he will screw hookers. While you are sleep deprived from taking care if a newborn , he will screw hookers. When your child goes to his/her first day of kindergarten and your heart is breaking, he will screw hookers.
Run sweetie, you are young and you have a chance. You do not want to live the life I described above. Too many of us did.
and even worse- he isn’t a women only type of guy- so they could be girls, guys, or even trannies..
thank you all 🙂 and Bev you continually make me smile and laugh.
Starwinkle. please leave. This is not the way a marriage should start. My husband wasn’t always a cheater. It started when he became really stressed with work (no excuse). I now have almost 30 years of marriage behind me, 2 children and no financial security if I was to leave. If I stay I know that I will never get over what he has done, I will have to have a polygraph test every 6 months and I know I will compulsively check his whereabouts. I will in short have no peace and a whole bunch of horrible memories. I don’t want his for you. He has done this before your marriage and at the beginning of your marriage. The stresses now are few. wait till you have a mortgage and 2 children and see what happens. You are no doubt beautiful and you are clearly intelligent and have choices. You deserve better. There is a nice man out there just waiting for you.
I agree with what the sisters have said. Starwinkle, leave! One hundred nights of tears now is better than the thousands of sleepless nights, anxious days, and the devastation that will be wreaked on your mental health, spirit, and emotional and physical well being over time.
Starwinkle,
It can seem really easy to just sink back into the old routines, enjoy when they are trying to make it up to you, stay in the fakeworld that you have been living in. Many of us have done that, hoping that maybe they would be better, they would change, we could have a normal life and family. Making a change is hard, leaving is hard, letting go of your plans and dreams is hard. But its a whole lot easier to do it now than to wait until you have kids and a mortgage and you have been out of the job market for 20 years and you have to start over at 40 or 50 or 60.No one can make you get up and pack and leave. You are going to have to save yourself. We can support you; we will be here no matter what you do. But you will have to find your own inner strength to get yourself out of this.
This is precisely what I was trying to warn you about. When we say leave, we mean asap because we know what comes next and now it is happening to you. Get out of there, run today as if your life depends on it because your future does. It is the ONLY way. If you stay you will be so sorry that you did, Starwinkle. Karen xx
Seriously??? He will sleep with men and women? Do you want to contract HIV? Run!! Please be smart. Have the do-over many of us won’t get! PLEASE!!
Oh dear….please remember this is his Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde facade and it’s only temporary until you give in then Dr Jekyll will return.
Keep telling yourself Dr Jekyll is someone to run from. He is Teri’s Dr Evil’s twin brother.
Oh Starwinkle, Honey girl, I can tell you’re mentally moving that ‘line in the sand’ of what you will and won’t accept from the freak. Correct me if I’m wrong here, but since he’ll do men, women and trannies the only sex he’s not yet sampled (that you know of) is with children and animals. (Rape and bestiality). It wouldn’t be the first time we’ve seen that kind of shit go down. I know that sounds extreme, but apparently your newlywed husband will fuck anything with an orifice. And he’ll escalate, they ALWAYS do. Please for the love of God leave before you become a poster child for the dangers of letting these perverts ‘suck you back in’.
That is why people go NO CONTACT! You are not weak, you’re human and normal but you must not forget WHO HE IS.
You are young and relatively free. Not that it isn’t the biggest shock and pain you even experienced. We all understand the pain…it’s the future pain that you are being warned about. how will you protect you precious loittle babies from their pervert daddy? You can’t imagine THAT kind of pain. Don’t go there. Don’t stay with him. Don’t listen to his lying, sniveling BS.
Go home where your family, who REALLY love you, lives. You will get over this but not if you get misled into staying. You have been burned and it will take some time to recover but you will be the wiser now.
Just get out,
Love, Debora
You are strong. You are smart. You are important. You deserve happiness. You deserve respect and a life free of abuse and manipulation. You joined this site. A huge step in the right direction of caring for yourself. Of course the decision is not easy. It is hard. But it takes as much energy to stay in a bad marriage as it does to leave. It is your choice to how to invest your energy. I don’t want you to get sucked back in because I don’t ever want anyone else to go through this pain. It’s not worth it. I’m sorry. It just isn’t. Life is too short to waste your love on a person that can’t return it. Don’t waste another minute.
Starwinkle I’m so sorry, I know it’s so hard and believe it or not, I understand why you got married. We are all so similar here and often see ourselves in other Sister’s stories.
They don’t change, it gets worse… and then it will be your children who cry as well, maybe like my little girl does when she asks ‘why does Daddy love all those people more than me Mommy?’.
Save your children from starting out life that way… an SA will put the sex above anything, and anyone.
I wish I knew the truth about my partner, and the severity of how sick an SA is and how it will typically remain (and increase) in devestation before we had our little girl. Broken hearted as I absolutely would have been, I do fully believe I would have run like hell and never turned back.
But I didn’t… and now my little one carries around an old picture in her backpack at school to show her little 3rd grade friends that she really does have a Daddy and a family 🙁
Praying for your strength and peace of mind Starwinkle 🙂
Starwinkle–if you wait, you will just be years older. You will be less sure of yourself, more insecure, finances more intertwined, perhaps children. It will only get harder and your life in the meantime is ticking away.
I wasted nearly 15 years total. In the end he forgot that I was loving and forgiving. I put up with so much and then in the end he blamed me–even though his issues existed before we even met! “I didnt want to have sex with him”…of course I didnt. He was impotent and cheated on me. I felt ugly. And in the end he went from being sorry and repentant to being an arrogant asshole.
Please, leave now. Love yourself. Be your own friend and protector.
Best of luck to you.
~BonnieStarwinkle – boy, do we know how you feel. It is so, so easy to get sucked back in. The advice the sister’s are giving you about just packing up tomorrow when he is out of the house, taking your dog, and driving away to your family is the best advice. If you postpone it, you will wind up sucked in to this hell for years.
It is so hard to save yourself. We understand the million reasons, justifications, rationalization that you go through. We’ve been there – but with you it’s like we have the chance to go back in time and prevent a tragedy before it happens. The trauma you have been through is enough. It will only get worse. Don’t let it happen to you.
It’s so hard to let go. If you can’t save yourself, then save your future children. Please don’t stay with him and have kids. He won’t be able to stop what he is doing, and I know it sounds outrageous, but it WILL escalate. My H did things in recent years I never thought possible. And I have heard other sisters talk about their children getting molested. It is horrific and seems impossible, but it happens. Trust us -save your future children. Just be strong enough to get out, and then you can fall apart when you are safe. Run, run, run!
rRUN,RUN dont look back Many of us had years even decades of living the perfect life-even if it wasn’t real.you will have only the life u read about here-it is your chance take it you are worth it
Starwinkle,
I’m sorry that you’re put in this awful position. Learn from us older sisters. You are young and don’t have children with him, so please run!!!!
Most of us would have made different choices if there had been a web site like this around when we first started having doubts about our h’s behavior. Their behavior and gas lighting is all so unbelievable to the average person that without the knowledge and affirmation that this site provides allowed the narc to confuse us. Knowledge is power – leave before it gets worse. And I know it is easy for someone to tell you, and hard to do it. I’m still around in my marriage, and it has been disastrous, but the tangle of money, kids, 2 houses that we have to sell, etc are delaying things. Plus, I just am so devastated that I don’t have the spunk to do the hard thing and just pack up and leave. I keep reading the posts on the site to keep me motivated, and I hope to keep a lovely young woman like you from living the awful life that awaits you if you don’t leave. I wish you love and strength!
AliStarwinkle – just checking back in on you. for some reason your story really resonates with me. i think because we are both young(ish, i’m 35), and i know how hard it was for me to leave. how are you doing? PLEASE don’t second-guess yourself here. and definitely DO NOT buy into the “that was the past, let it go” bullshit. That is classic SA machinations and manipulations and blame-shifting. i hope wherever you are, you are taking care of yourself right now. if you want to talk anytime i am here.
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