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Had quite the weekend with H. I’ll try to make it as short as possible
Had an appointment Frid with divorce attorney to get some facts for myself. It was awful. I was treated like total shit by this woman. I think she viewed me as a weak stupid woman who deserved to be shit on because I was a stay at home home financially dependent on H. Anyway, that’s a whole story for another time. H has been acting weird and so I have been suspecting he has been spying on my computer, phones etc. It was a very tense Friday-Sunday. Sunday morning I caught him hacking my cell phone email. He had changed the password. Anyway that prompted a “conversation”
Now mind you I have been trying to get this man to “talk” to me about where we stand for 3 months now and he always avoids, saying it’s a bad time. Now here we are and hour before we are taking our boys to see their 1st baseball game and he wants to “talk”. He complains about me being “secretive” lately with my cell phone and computer. So he admits he got nervous and hacked my email. This leads to the discussion of He’s not happy and I’m not happy. He’s uncomfortable in his own home, so am I. He can’t keep living like this, neither can I.
He simply walked me down the path in the conversation that we are going to get a divorce. He has Zero desire to work on anything. He wants to be a new better man and that CAN’T happen with me. He wants to keep doing is “things” and doesn’t want to feel guilty doing so. He is being kind and noble by walking away. Awww isn’t he just the greatest (tongue in cheek) I am the luckiest woman in the world to have snatched up such a great man. Then he pulls me in and starts to cry and apologize for all that he has put me through but we can’t talk further cuz it’s time to go to the game.
YEAH RIGHT! Like I can put on a happy face for my 3 boys and have an awesome time at the ball game.
Anyway, after the game he locks us in the bedroom again for another 3 hour conversation/cuddle him and make him feel better session. The conversation was all over the map, from divorce to seperation to God knows what. He claims he has no plan yet and that he has talked to nobody, not even a lawyer. I don’t know that I believe that but who knows.
Nothing was concrete or resolved during that conversation. Since then he has been delightful and whatever to me. Then last night before we go to sleep, he pulls me into the cuddle position with my head on his chest. He asks, what exactly came out of the conversations from the weekend? Where are we? I said.. I don’t know… Where are we? He didn’t answer. He remained silent until he started snoring. This morning he was all looking at me with his sad dopey eyes. I knew he had stuff he wanted to say but didn’t have time to get into before he had to leave for work. He said we will talk tonight.
Here is where I say Dear Lord help me and please pray for me. I have feeling tonight is going to be the BIG conversation where our paths will be decided. I just hope and pray that what ever happens I can handle it. If he wants a divorce that’s fine but I want what I want and I don’t want him to fight me on it.
1. I want to get a newer minivan for me and the kids before this gets final
2. I want to enroll the kids in the school for the fall the I think is best for them and not have him give me shit
3. I want his custody arrangement to be Wed’s and every other weekend.
These are my top 3. There are a few other minor things but these are the big ones.
I have no documented proof of his SA. He refuses to see any councilor of any sort for anything. I have contemplated taking his compute in and finding out EVERYTHING that is on there just to have as leverage. Right now I have ZERO leverage. If you ladies have any advice please let me know.
Thanks
~Michelle~Hi Michelle,
I see his sicko conversations with you as manipulation. His conversation where he rambles from one topic to another is just to cause confusion, on purpose. I wouldn’t have anymore of these with him because it’s pure BS, gaslighting, and a waste of your valuable time and you don’t need this abuse.Concentrate instead on finding an attorney you like and connect with and who will fight for you. Get a phone from the store to do all your calling on, one with prepaid minutes, they are cheap. Don’t let him know you have this. Get your computer to a place that can clean off all the spy crap he’s put on. Say you need time to think about what he told you and it would be best if he got his own place. If you can get his butt out! He’s pure poison and classic, so sorry you are in this position. Be strong and if you can’t act strong and move forward in your plans.
Love, Nap
Stall… do whatever you have to but stall until you get the right attorney and some leverage!!! I hired a PI.. got lots of proof. If you own the computer too then you can take it in and have everything “found”. Even if it is technically his computer ( not company owned) you can use info to blackmail him into some of your demands. ..He would not want others to know. He is paying for porn, etc.. with something. Can you get cc statements or bank records? I did and boy did I find a trail….
Get a GOOD lawyer first!!
I will be praying..
bevAt least go buy the mini van without him ( marital debt is split) and enroll the kids asap… Call the school and get the contracts signed asap!! I am assuming you are looking at a private school??
You need a camera in his office. It’s the next best thing if you can’t access his pc.
At the very least a listening device.
Get something dirty on him somehow!!
I’m really sorry for the mess he has created for you. But I agree with sisters above–his actions are manipulative and control driven. It’s also hard that the first lawyer you met was a jerk. Go meet another one, and another one, until you find the right one. And get at it!
I also agree, get the minivan and enroll the children now. Get the spy crap off you computer, change your email addres and password. Pretend you are a private detective. What would you do, and then just do it. Cameras, eblaster, whatever. If you have to do some research on how, do it. You are smarter than he thinks. I have found being underestimated is always my most valuable tool in the end. Turn it into yours. Get out there and set up your line of defence for you and your children. Since when does a stay at home mom think that’s somebody else’s job? Be a mama bear! That’s who you really are. You have what it takes. It took guts to go to the lawyer, but you did, and even though she’s a jerk, you are still able to do this!!!
sending strength and light
D.Get the computer to someone who can mine it for gold. What you need is on there. This is war. Your children are the spoils. You didn’t start it but you can win it. This is NO time to be a pussy. Woman up. You can do it.
“He simply walked me down the path in the conversation that we are going to get a divorce. He has Zero desire to work on anything. He wants to be a new better man and that CAN’T happen with me. He wants to keep doing is “things” and doesn’t want to feel guilty doing so. He is being kind and noble by walking away.”
This part (if not the rest of your story) sounds SO much like my husband. Every time I bring up the porn, he calls me “judgmental.” I wonder how non-judgmental others would be if they knew.
You have my prayers, Michelle, and I do hope you find a much better attorney soon.
I’m so sorry this guy is jerking you around and making you out to be some poor dumb girl. We know that you are beautiful, strong, articulate, and very loving. The mere fact that he can’t be a better man “with you” is the most complete and utter bullshit I think i ever heard.
I agree that the attorney shopping needs to be top priority. You will find the right one for you, it’s no different than finding the right doctor. Don’t let that first one discourage you.
Perhaps you need to do a little flip-a-roo on him and the next time he wants to talk, you should say, “you know, hun, right now isn’t the best time, lets do this tonight” or whatever. Don’t let him see that this is bothering you at all. But don’t let him tell you what to do either. I hate his control issues. Like you are some little girl that needs her hand held all the way to the court room.
As far as the minivan goes, yep, go get it. You and your children need to be safe. Safety is number one. As far as the schooling goes, yep, get them registered. If he asks you why you registered the kids at the school, tell him, because that’s what we agreed on, hun, don’t you remember that conversation! make him think that he’s going nuts.
Indeed I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Feel free to keep posting and asking questions. We have lots of advice!
Much love, Claire
Thank you all for your support here. He is on his way home. Who knows what tonight will bring or if he will chicken out of whatever was on his mind earlier.
All I know is that I have felt like a crazed lunatic today and if I could jump out of my own skin I would do so. I’ve been on the phone all day planning war. Now when he walks in the door I have to play calm and collected as to not tip my hand.
Janet~ aren’t we so lucky to have such kind hearted considerate husbands? PUKE! LOL 🙂 The worst part is that he is trying to manipulate this whole thing so he can somehow walk away with his untarnished good sweet polite wonderful reputation in tact. Lousy piece of CRAP! Anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent. Just feeling overloaded today and I don’t know what I’m walking into tonight.
~Michelle~Michelle,
Your story sounds exactly like mine was in Feb. My SAH wanted a divorce “to find his light”. Pure bullshit. He was blaming me for all his SA crap. These are sick men who will use you as their rationalization. Your story has triggered me big time because his tactics were exactly like mine. He is so sick.
Had I had E-blaster on his phone – I would have been in MUCH better shape. He no doubt has some activities going on on the side…..something that you and the family are getting in the way of. I’m certain of that.
PLEASE hire a PI or get E-blaster ASAP.
My SAH tried to delete evidence that I had of his SA (CL ads trolling for “older adventuresome women”) – he wanted to come out of everything looking like the hero. Once you have some dirt – you will have the upper hand. Now – go get some dirt! It’s there – I promise you.
Deb
And don’t “cuddle with him” – he just wants his cake and eat it, too. Go cuddle your kids. Protect those beautful children from the hurricane around them. Step out of the hurricane NOW. (sirens are going off). Hire the PI, divorce attorney and change the locks NOW.
I tried to change the locks during my SAH’s binge and divorce crap and he says that he was so into his sicko mind that he actually thought he had a right to sleep in the house, have me chase after him and beg him to stay and troll for grannies “on the side” – because it was all my fault. Sick, sick, sick.
Deb
I’m praying hard for you…..please let us know how it goes. Bluff, bluff, bluff…..and get the dirt.
Deb
Hi Michelle
Am hopeful you are feeling the support and courage you need for your convo tonight. Follow all of the advice, and although I know divorce is never easy, get on your knees and thank god he is making the decision while u take your time and make a plan for the best possible exit for you and your kids
Get what u want and what u deserve from him and then thank ur lucky stars u will soon be living a life sick free
Take care of u. And dont take shit from that mf
XxooDear Michelle,
I am sorry this guy is just thinking of himself. “he doesn’t want to feel guilty?” then stop the bad behavior. you won’t feel guilty any more. oh, if only it were that simple.
I had a control freak. he was abusive also. but a control freak sa nightmare. many many evenings– locked door conversations. no where to run and hide.
you are doing well. you went to an attorney. sorry she was a jerk. but there are caring ones out there. ones that care about the mother and the kids.
I agree on all the above posts about collecting evidence on computer, a PI or whatever you can do. you may have to do the dance between appeasing him so you don’t tip him off, and making a move out of the relationship, for a bit, until you are ready to make a move.
but it is my humble opinion, that no move is too soon. I regretfully waitied 2 years 2 long to make mine. the cost and destruction to me and my child, was high. our kids are at state in this. if he’s cheating on you, that is hurting you. and hurting their mom.
he has no excuses. if he’s not an addict? fine. he’s not. he’s selfish, unfaithful, disease risk of a spouse. who is mistreating his wife. an addict, is a word of kindness really. because the latter, well, I just don’t know what to do with that. except get it out of your house. it’s like toxic mold….
keep going michelle — get evidence, get strong, and think about your future. without him in mind. you can do it.
Ugh! The agony of the day continues. He came home. We ate dinner. After dinner he followed me to my room (that is where I spend all my time these days to avoid him) He tries the laying down holding me thing with that silence about him and the look that says he’s about to pour it all out and then NOTHING. He is a chicken shit. Meanwhile I’m getting all uncomfortable and nervous. I realize he has the upper hand at the moment and I wanted to take it back. He is emotionally terrorizing me with this weird thing he is doing… holding onto me being silent and ominous. I pull away and say I’m heading to the grocery store. He grabs me by the waist of my shorts and tried to pull me back. I resist and literally have to PRY his fingers off my clothes.
I leave, go shopping, come home, drop off the groceries and head back out the door for a walk. Trying to let him sit at home and stew a bit like I do all day every day. I come back and he is watching a movie with the boys. It should be over soon and I know that any moment now the kids will go to bed and he will head in here to the bedroom to be all creepy again. Either I am going to be in for a long night or he will chicken out and fall asleep again like last night. Either way I need a Xanax, lol.
I love you guys, your feisty 🙂
I’ll keep ya posted
~Michelle~Michelle,
What a manipulative Bas#*#! I heard a saying that I have found true with my SAH. “In any conversation, the first person to speak loses.” It has been so true, and sadly the silent treatment pries me open like a vice. But I am learning. I have held the cell in my hand in silence so many times these last two months, and my H always waits it out too, until at last he squeaks “Hun, are you there?” and I always respond “Of course, just waiting to see if you were finished talking.” Because he said his ex-wife always interrupted him and he felt it was the ultimate sign of respect to be sure the other person was finished talking before giving their reply. He can’t argue the point, at all.
I know it’s miserable, but just let your H be his creepy silent self all night. Then, thank God that you didn’t have to listen to the lies he will probably spew.
He can’t keep it up forever, and we, sisters, have learned to have nerves of steel, right?
Nerves of steel, nerves of steel (chanting to myself)
Okay, so I’m tired. That lasted until 2 a.m. Most of which was spent in creepy silence. I won’t be able to do the whole conversation justice so I’ll jut relive some hi-lights.
H “I feel like I’ve lost you” Me “You didn’t lose me you threw me away and then stomped on me on the way out the door.”
H “I was brought up that you don’t discuss your personal business with other people. I didn’t tell my side of the family about this because if we worked it out I didn’t want to feel uncomfortable bringing you around them in the future” (WTF? I’m not the one doing anything to be ashamed of here but whatever!) Me “Well in my world when someone lights you on fire and walks away so they can go decide what if anything to do about the fire they just set you don’t just sit there and quietly burn to death. You scream for help”
H “Well even if I did want to make an effort to come back to the marriage and work on it I don’t think I could because your family hates me and I can’t deal with that.” Me “Regardless of us being together or not my family wants you to get help and heal. You ARE the father of our boys and they want the father of these boys to be healthy and well and right now you’re not. In the end my family would support me in whatever I chose.”
Then comes some good ole stuff H “you THINK I have a problem. It’s really not a problem at all. It’s just who I am. You are just now seeing the real me and you don’t like it but it’s who I am. (laying on the guilt of me rejecting his authentic self) You only like the other side of me that doesn’t challenge you and that is obedient to whatever you want me to do say or be. I am having my own self discovery during all this and I don’t like THAT part of me.”
Me “So you prefer the self indulgent pervert? The real problem here is that your not seeing that there are other options if you got help. There is a happy medium.” H “yeah I don’t think so. That’s just bullshit.” Well, I guess it’s his perspective and he’s entitled to it.
Anyway, it went on an on. Plenty of lines of his blaming me for everything. Suggested the only way we could be together is if he quit he job and we moved far away to start over in a new bubble where this whole thing never happened. Yeah right! Like I’m going to move far away from my support group with this unstable SA. Cuz that would be smart!
He’s playing all gentle and tearful. He wants to leave but in my opinion he is trying his best to manipulate me into letting him off easy and taking care of it all. He wants me to tell him I love him and support him on his journey to find himself in his new outed perverted world. He wants to be able to walk away to his new life to start lying to new people and wants to make sure he’s got me under enough of his pity spell that I will feel sorry for him and not out him to his family or the next girl.
We still didn’t “resolve” anything. I’m pretty sure it was just another exercise in his manipulative torture. He says he wants to be the Big Man who calls the shots in life but he’s sitting around here sucking his thumb waiting for me to take care of all the dirty work. I fully think he expects me to call the attorney and get that all figured out, find him an apartment and set up house for him like a mom would do for a college kid. UGH!
Sorry this is so long. If you’ve read this far thanks. I’m sure there will be more to come. I just need a little more time to take care of a few more things around here. I’ve got to get some poop on him for leverage. The way he is acting now I don’t think I would need to use it but I need an insurance policy incase he decides to get nasty. Let’s face it, these guys are Dr Jekyl an Mr Hyde.
Love to you all
~Michelle~So sorry for the awful night.
I wonder how special and unique these SAs would feel if they knew how similar their tactics are? This “Suggested the only way we could be together is if he quit he job and we moved far away to start over in a new bubble where this whole thing never happened.” is what my SA has, now.
It is so similar it’s scary. Before the job he has now, SAH was considering an offer from near LA, California. There were issues with it, though, which he tried for months to overcome because, and I quote “I will be so glad to be out of this place and back in LA where they are more sophisticated and this stuff (indulging in SA activity at work) doesn’t matter.”
So, he wanted to go where he thought his indulgences were considered “sophisticated”.
It’s all in how you spin it, in their eyes.
I am glad you are not wearing the blame and guilt he is throwing your way. You are strong. I am sad for your having this experience, though.
I am a little concerned over the stress and damage this seeking “dirt” will cause you. I’ve been there, I did it, too. I thought I got enough dirt to get out and have some help. Not so.
As far as evidence, I have learned that in my state, nothing counts except a third party eye witness with another woman either actually engaged in sexual activity or in a setting where they would presumably have sex (alone in a hotel, or residence), or a picture of that same thing.
Nothing else would give me any leverage in court, I was told when I consulted an attorney, even though I produced a stack of dozens of printed out emails and texts to hookers, and a flash drive with 8gb of porn, even torture porn, and put it on the conference table. The attorney said it was ‘maybe’ enough to sway the judge’s opinion if I had a picture of him out with a woman and touching her in some way like hugging, but not obviously at a hotel or in a bedroom with another woman as they usually require to grant divorce and temporary support for adultery. Basically, the courts do not consider any of that other stuff relevant.
I don’t know what you would use the dirt for. What I was seeking was an immediate release from the marriage and some minimal financial support and insurance for my children. Because the marriage was less than two years, even actual undeniable PROOF of infidelity would not get me anything but out of the marriage faster. And MAYBE mean he would be made to reimburse me for my legal expenses during the divorce.
I don’t know your H, and maybe you can use “dirt” to manipulate the situation by keeping him scared you’ll disclose things he’s been successful in keeping secret. But these SAs are slippery characters who have been living lives of such deceit we can’t even fathom what they are capable of, so it’s an enormous amount of energy we have to sacrifice to try to anticipate and out-manipulate them. I tried for a while and that kind of game is SOOOOO tiring and disgusting when you haven’t lived a double life by choice forever.
And some of the things you might find, geez, if I could go back to NOT having seen what I’ve seen I would pay all the money I’ll EVER make in my life. Just to NOT have those images in my brain.
Concerned for you and your wellness. Not trying to be a downer.
Michelle,
How pitiful he is and so ‘humble’ abou the real him. Yuck!!!
It must of been really hard to listen to his twisted BS. I think I would be having sirens going off in my head ‘get out, get out’. I wouldn’t give him anymore time or energy, just focus on you and finding a great attorney and end his torture.
Love, NapThanks guys. I do have to say I’ve swayed back and forth about the dirt digging. As a matter of fact I had scheduled a PI to come look at his computer today but I canceled it. At this juncture I don’t want to tip him off to start playing nasty. If his computer is tampered with he will know it and that could change his game.
I feel like the H that I KNEW an married would be apt to go away quietly if I made it easy on him so he could save face with his family. The other part of me says I don’t know WHO I’m dealing with anymore and this might just be all a big manipulation tactic and if he turns last minute to fight nasty I would like at least something on him. Even if a court won’t recognize it I know he wouldn’t want his family to know. I could use it as leverage that I would reveal to his family and that might be enough to make him back down.
I hate this indecision of not know which way is the right way to go. The PI is sure he has someone on the side. I’m sure he may but I’m not sure that he’s having sex with her. He hasn’t had the best of luck in the erection department lately. All though maybe he just saves that limp thing for me and gives away all the hard business to someone else.
Anyhow, I still have more pondering to do. I have a counselor appointment Friday. Let’s hope she can help. 🙂
~MIchelle~
I hired the PI ,signed the papers, and balked for a month before I gave them the go ahead….
I had my head way up my ass!! I pulled the trigger after V`tines day and set it up for the following week… I had all info in 4 days…
Stay strong…
I have been reading all your posts, and it breaks my heart to see the manipulation and abuse your h’s pull in an attempt to get what they want. I always say that once the cards are on the table, “Let the games begin”.
Some of the SA’s may even believe they want you back, but what they want is a mature together woman with whom they can find the stability and mother they need to fulfill their 5 yr. old needs and wants.
You guys are all thinking very clearly-don’t let them wear you down. They want the power and control. You are in control, so keep it that way.
Love to you all.Dear mushric,
so sorry. it must be exhausting. PI’s can be very very covert, a good one will get the info without your H knowing it. it’s what you are paying him for.
He’s your husband. you deserve to know how and where he is spending his time, — it will bring closure to what your already know in your gut. go with it– it’s never wrong.
I am willing to be 1 million bucks, that once a PI gives you the information you need – he will suddenly suddenly “be willing to get help, because he has a problem”.
they do this crap, when they are caught. ugh.
put on your detective cap. don’t stop until he’s busted.
M
I am so sorry for your pain. I can tell you that one of the first things I said to my husband when he admitted that he had a sex addiction problem and stayed all these years because he “loved me” – I said – I wish you didnt. I wish you would have left me. That would have been 1,000 times easier then all this crap I now have to deal with.
It is clear your husband has problem. It is clear he is not ready to stop his behaviors. He needs to hit rock bottom before he MAY do anything about it. He is actively acting out and putting your life and your children’s lives in danger.
Please, dont try to change him – CHANGE YOUR REACTION – CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR….. get out of the house or get him out, stay strong, get a lawyer, and then see what happens.
It sounds like you have proof – how much more do you need?
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