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Mush,
Diane and I can attest to the fact (from experience) the panty hose etc. points to a “mommy issue” and he’s being the insolunt teenager right now making you the “bad mommy” – there’s definitely a “good adoring mommy” out there just waiting for the PI to find…..esp. when he says this: “….You only like the other side of me that doesn’t challenge you and that is obedient to whatever you want me to do say or be. I am having my own self discovery during all this and I don’t like THAT part of me.”
The panty hose and this kind of crap, points to a real sicko mommy issue. I think the PI will find a “granny with panty hose” on the side – but that’s just my prediction. Hire the PI and tell your SAH that he can come and go as he pleases while he “finds himself”. You will have your answer soon enough – and I agree – a good PI will leave no tracks.
You are frozen in never never land until you have proof – please do it! I don’t want to see you become road kill.
Deb
Holy crap I think it’s too late! It’s 4:52 a.m. right now. I’ve been up since 3 a.m. tossing and turning.
Yesterday H and I got into an argument over the phone at work. Long story short I said I had a Dr appointment to go get some xanax or something cuz I can’t handle living in this state of mind all raw all the time. He agreed and said tonight we would have a BIG talk about REAL things. Well when I came home from the Dr. H was up in his office on the computer. MInd you this was @ 5:30 and he is NEVER home before 6:30. He knew I had a Dr appointment so my guess is that he came home early to start cleaning shit off his computer.
The talk began around 8 p.m. and lasted until about 12:30 a.m. I’m still in such a haze from it all I’m not sure I could do the re-telling justice. It started off with me being hostile that he wouldn’t even consider for a moment to fight for his family. Then the blame game of well he can’t fight for our family NOW because I have gone and told some people about our business (my family) and he can NEVER show his face to them again. He is forever labeled with Shame and he can’t live like that. So BAM! I single handedly destroyed our family by reaching out for help.
Then there was the confronting about his phone. I tried and tried to get him to let me into to see whats in there and he REFUSED. I’m sure it’s loaded with tons of shit and texts and chats. I’m sure it’s a goldmine. He even sat there torturing me with saying that he really wishes he could trust me to tell me the things he wants to tell me but he doesn’t trust me because I have hurt him so much by telling others. He is afraid that what he has to say would be hurtful to me and that I would become vengeful and use it against him. WTF? Then why have me held down here on the bed making me listen to you say these things? Torture!!! Mind Fucking!! Power!!! Guilt!!! Punishment!!
Anyway, things came around to a totally different place at one point. I don’t know weather to be stupid and believe it or what. I chose to reach within myself and try to act from a place of who I am and not of a place of reaction to my pain, hurt and anger. Not an easy thing to do but I still do love this man even if he is a F’ed up shit bag right now.
He was still blowing off the whole SA thing as even being a problem. I pulled up a web page about living with a SA in denial and it listed out the makeup of denial and it was ringing so true. He tried to claim BS on the whole thing and say that any many that like sex is trying to be put in that category. blah blah blah
He was obviously trying to shut me up on this so I showed him love, kindness and support. (UGH!) I started to ball. I told him I’m sorry his mother fucked him up so badly and didn’t love him the way he deserved. I look at our boys and can’t imagine doing to them what she did to him. Many times I look at him and I see that poor hurt little boys who’s mommy never loved or nurtured him and how painful that must have been as a sweet innocent child to be so unimportant and not loved. My heart breaks for that boy….that boy that looks exactly like all 3 of my sweet precious babies.
He broke down into hard core tears. The ugly cry. I told him he deserved better than the life that he was living. The shallow stressful loneliness that is his life. Who would choose that for themselves. Weather we are together or not I want the father of my boys to be happy healthy and well. I cried and he cried and said “I don’t want help. I don’t want to fix it. It scares the shit out of me to think of NOT having my sexual identity. I know that it’s awful for you to hear that THIS is more important than anything but I would rathe DIE than fix this.” Then he went on to tell me that he has thought several times of doing just that…. killing himself. He thought it would be easier on the boys to just mourn the loss of their dad and move on with life than to watch him be an example of a fucked up looser.
Needless to say this whole conversation was WAY Heavier than I had set out to have. I held him while he sobbed and sobbed. He admitted that he did recognize himself in all these reading I read to him about SA and that his biggest fear was that I was going to try to use that as a way to keep him from seeing his kids. His dad only saw him for 2 hours on Sundays and that killed him on top of having the wack job of a mother.
I was honest and expressed to him that I can see this is going to be a divorce but I don’t want lawyers stepping in and putting things in our head to make it a war of the roses. Honestly we don’t have much to fight about. Our house is being foreclosed and was discharged in Bankruptcy so theres no debt there. Both our cars are paid for. We have no Credit card debt. There is not arguing that I get half his 401K. Child support and Alimony is a mathematical calculation that has nothing to do with debating. The only big item on the table is the kids.
We both agreed that we wanted the kids to come first. He agreed that the school I’m choosing is the best option for them. I told him I want to walk away from this with as much dignity and respect that I can. I want to show our boys a GOOD example. I have no desire to attach berate or flame their father because in the end it’s just as hurtful to them. I told him I was thinking of every Wed and every other weekend arrangement. He thought that sounded fair and good.
I then asked him about when he wanted to move out. Now here is where I see a possible challenge. We are in this house while it’s foreclosing. We have another 6-9 months that we can live here rent free. We are both of the mindset that it would be wasting money for him to go set up another household at the moment. If we can just stick it out here and behave ourselves and not get ugly it will financially benefit us both when we part ways. Now the tricky part is going to be the next few days and weeks as we start talking more real facts about real numbers. You know when you talk about your kids it’s all love, tenderness and good intentions. When it comes to your money it can start to get ugly.
Please pray for us that we can have the grace, dignity and respect for each other and our family as a whole to navigate this in a decent manner.
So what do you think. Is this going to be the quickest closure to a SA marriage or is this just the beginning of and even bigger roller coaster?
Either way, I went to the Dr yesterday and got some meds to help me through and I have a councilor appointment set for Friday.
Thanks for reading. I know it’s long.
~Michelle~Deb~ I my husbands case he has a pantyhose fetish that he developed around the age of 12. He started masturbating at age 7 chronically to ease the emptiness he felt by not getting love from his mom. She was a working mother so around the age of 12 his brain did a thing where he associated pantyhose with his working mother that refused to love him. He then took the “drug euphoric” feelings that he got from masturbating and place them on the object that represented her… pantyhose. This was his substitute/replacement for getting the “good” feeling he was lacking from the person he was lacking it from. It’s crazy how the brain works. So now after 30 some year he is still masturbating to pantyhose. So Sad 🙁
I’m having a really rough day. Can’t seem to pull myself together. Overwhelmed with path before me 🙁
I can understand that Michele. Your H is one sick puppy and he wants out….naturally he wants you to make it easy for him ie. don’t tell anyone what he is up to? You cannot talk to them when they are in that mindset because EVERYTHING out of their mouth is self serving. If they cann’t get what they want out of you by bullying you then they use the pity play. I don’t see where you have much choice in any of this. He doesn’t want help and he doesn’t want to change. It really leaves you few options. Very sad and difficult BUT living with him sounds like it has been a complete nightmare. It is natural to feel overwhelmed too. Try to take care of yourself because he isn’t. Karen x
Just pick one think to do today and if your mind starts to loop say ‘stop’ and do some physical like clean or vacuum. Use both your left and right hands while working. This will help to balance both sides of your brain so it helps not to get stuck in the loop. Hope this helps!!! So sorry you are suffering right now.
Michelle – this is tough stuff that you are dealing with. And then to try and put a brave face on for the kids – it’s nearly impossible. I would tell your husband to find a friend or some cheap place to live. You don’t want him around you right now. Please do that for yourself. I’m telling you that he is screwing woman (and so did the PI). You are not honoring yourself. You are being hurt left, right and center. He is sucking the life out of you. You need to start healing yourself.
If you want to help him – set him free to figure it out himself – or he never will. He needs to have consequences. Get the dirt and kick him out. I know it’s hard but if you want him to have any chance of figuring this out and even have a chance at him being a healthy father for your kids – then you have to do it. Call the PI – and get going!! At least you need to know what you are dealing with. I have a really bad feeling about what he might be doing.
Mine said almost exactly what yours said about “you ruined any chance by telling anyone”……wow! Your story sounds so similar to mine it’s not even funny.
Find yourself a COSA or an Al-Anon meeting – you need to shift the focus to yourself and stop trying to help him. YOU come first.
Deb
You are up til all hours of the morning/night having crazy discussions with him and are taking meds…. I cannot imagine any of that being helpful to your children..
Screw the money and get him out.
Sorry to be harsh but I am really sorry you are going thru this shit and it is not yukky, it is fucked up.
Get to that attorney and get him out. In the meantime FIND THE DIRT!!!! You do not have to use it but having it is a big plus…
Love,
bev
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