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I ran across all my old books that our marriage counselors had us read and went through some of them tonight, wondering how they would look to me now.
They all seem so ridiculous now that I know what was going on behind the scenes. Who encourages someone to have more “passionate” sex with a sex addict? And the assertiveness books just made him aggressive. Improving communication just meant that I always had to state “my part” in his gaslighting or he would get pissed.
It makes me sad that I worked so hard to do what was asked of me in these books and by our therapists only to have him use it to manipulate and gaslight me.
No matter how hard I tried to use Gottman’s complaint rather than criticism, he said I always had it wrong, it was always criticism. If I tried to set a boundary, I was “treating him like shit”. I was told to make myself more vulnerable to him, and he told me I was too dependent on him and distanced himself. In therapy, he asked me to meet him at the backdoor when he got home from work and tell him I was glad to see him, and he was out having quickies at lunch. I was told to initiate sex more often, and he ignored and rejected me.
The 6 years after he was identified as a sex addict and we went to weekly couple’s therapy were the worst of my marriage. He got progressively more angry and contemptuous. I was doing everything I could, and it only seemed to make him angrier. He became more entitled, and I was just wasn’t measuring up.
Of course, now I know he was faking recovery. But why did it take me so long to figure it out? Why did our therapists not believe me when I tried to tell them how angry and unreasonable he was with me? Why did they all just want to believe it was all about me and my “control” and “abandonment” issues? Why didn’t anyone question whether or not he was in recovery? How did the professionals miss the clear symptoms of addiction that I described to them? Why did it always somehow end up being about me, no matter how hard I tried to explain what he was putting me through?
Why did no one address my pain and trauma? Why was I supposed to just forget about what he did and have more sex and be more vulnerable to him? Why did the therapists assume he was being honest when he was a proven liar? No one ever asked him to be more vulnerable to me. No one ever asked whether or not it was safe for me to have sex with him.
Where are the books on how it feels to be cheated on or to be married to a sex addict? Where are the books on how to restore my trust after it has been shattered?
Maybe these books and the therapists could help someone in a “normal” marriage. But it all seems absolutely ridiculous for a relationship with an addict. What a waste.
Teri,
Our marriage therapist (also Gottman trained) did the same thing. He reconnected us last summer through daily appreciations, and all the usual Gottman stuff after my husband fessed up last year to having an emotional affair with yoganana in Feb/March (he’s 48 and she was 70 and looked like his mom). It really seemed to work and we got reconnected like never before. My husband was loving and didn’t rage. I was the doting wife. All was good. He calls it our “summer of love”.
– Then – my SAH admitted that he had been to prostitutes for 5 years because he was “lonely” but stopped a few years ago because it wasn’t doing much for him. (our marriage counselor said to me….”lots of guys do that”)
– Then….my SAH admitted that he had actually had a sexual relationship with yoganana…..
– then a week later, I found a reply to a Craigslist ad on his yahoo account from the prior Nov. where he was looking for “older, inquisitive women looking for adventure”. (yuck)
Our marriage counselor didn’t blink an eye!!!! He just said to him: “you can’t do this anymore…”.
Then….in Sept. the “summer of love” came crashing down when I found a text on my SAH’s phone late at night from a “woman friend” that said “I’m lonely – can we talk?” (he talked his way out of that one saying that she was just a “friend” – I later found out that he had sexted her for 6 months).
Through all of this….our Gottman marriage counselor NEVER referred him to a CSAT. When I asked why not – he said: “I only do that if it’s really bad”. Excuse me? Years of prostitutes, CL ads looking for grannies, sexting, 4 affairs, god knows what else and a freakin partridge in a pear tree don’t qualify as “really bad?”
I recently emailed the Gottman marriage therapist info. on a local seminar on sex addiction with a note: “since you missed it in my husband, I think you should attend”. It really pisses me off that he didn’t have a clue!! And he is supposed to be helping couples??? (sorry Terri – you hit a sore spot in me). I’m the one that figured it out after reading a few books and then he told me not to say anything since my husband wasn’t ready to face it yet. Ughhhhh….don’t get me started…..
Obviously, sex addiction needs to be added to the state’s licensing test and be part of the curriculum…..the staggered disclosures did so much damage to me and it didn’t need to be that way if our marriage counselor had been on the ball.
The only advantage to our marriage counseling and our “summer of love” and the crash afterward was that it showed me that it had nothing to do with me. I could be the perfect, doting wife and he would still have a secret life….so I guess it was was worth some $$ to teach me that (although you guys would have done that for free 😉
Deb
I remember our first session. I had NO clue he was cheating with porn, phone sex, and hookers. I had already tried to do everything I knew to fix our marriage. He had been telling his personal counselor about the SA stuff and she did try to recommend Csat. He ignored her and drug me to marriage counseling instead.
Dummy me, I sat out in the parking lot with him and gave him this long speech about how much I loved him and I wanted our marriage to work…
I was scared. I had already read a million places that once you started marriage counseling that you had probably waited too late. But, I went right in there and opened up, was honest, did everything she suggested, and basically bit my tongue because guess who sat and lied through every session?? Bingo!
I still have nightmares and cannot believe I let myself be put thru that.
Dumbass did not even remember my speech. I asked him later. All that pouring my heart out..
I will never do that again!!
Teri, the quicker you can forget about it , the better off you will be. We were all played for fools. When i burn my wedding dress then you can burn your counseling books 🙂
Deb, at least you got a summer of love! I got a summer of crazy out of it 🙂
Bev,
I also feel like I was made into a fool. My SAH blamed me for the prostitutes (he was “lonely”), the affairs (I abandoned him)…you name it, I took on the blame. I also read every marriage counseling book and worked really hard (I even took up cooking, lost 35 pounds and bought sexy lingerie). YUCK!!!!!!! I feel like such a fool. The whole time I did this stuff (in the middle of surgery and radiation) – he was screwing yoganana or sexting, or………
I just want to throw up.
Oh – I almost forgot – like your SAH and his “memory loss” – my SAH thought that we didn’t have sex on our wedding night. (I bet he conjured that one to make me look like the distant wife). I was devasted when he told me that. I was tired but we definitely “made love” (or at least I thought that’s what it was). What hope is there for a guy who can’t even remember his wedding night???? Don’t get me started…..thank goodness it’s a nice moon tonight because pretty soon I’m going to be howling at it like a rabid wolf.
Deb
I really think that March had a great idea to do away with her marriage since it was based on lies. There is a lot of wisdom in that.
Deb,
Our last marriage counselor told us we had done so well that we only had to come in “as needed”. I had done everything asked of me, and then I found out all the lies, too. And just like you, that’s when I got it- it is not about me.
Teri and Deb, I am so sorry for the atrocities you suffered at the hands of your so-called ‘therapists’. They should face criminal charges. And Deb, I truly worry about you. If I remember correctly, in another thread you said that you were giving your husband a one year’s deadline to shape up. Please know that we’re not holding you to that…
The worst thing was that after our most recent therapist learned that he lied the entire 2.5 years that we saw her, and she had no idea, she was still willing to testify that he should get standard visitation. She knew he lied, she knew that she did not know the whole truth about him, she does not know my son, and yet she was willing to put her credibility and my son’s safety on the line for HIM. And then she kept seeing him for individual therapy for 6 months even though she has no background in sex addiction. His CSAT finally told him that it didn’t make any sense for him to keep going to her.
I felt so betrayed and rejected by her. It really hurt until I saw a CSAT and told her what happened, and she called that therapist abusive and told me just forget the whole thing. Why could I put it behind me so much more easily when someone had given my permission? I don’t see why it’s so hard to just do it myself.
Thanks, Liza. I want every penny back I spend on that therapy. If not from the therapist, at least from my STBX who was faking the entire time. Plus pain and suffering.
Thanks goodness for the trauma model. It has made a huge difference in my life.
Teri
We do this to ourselves because we have been so severely betrayed by the people who we are supposed to trust the most. We have been trained, cultivated, gas lighted, conditioned to not see the truth because we have been traumatized by them to the point where we do not trust. Anyone. Anything.
Healing will happen for you and bring with it clarity and belief in yourself again.
EllenHi Teri – it’s because our sense of reality has been distorted beyond belief and we don’t trust ourselves. We don’t know what’ real and what’s not real. And – you think that those who are licensed and seem reasonable, are. You husband’s therapist was just trying to make some $$ and get referrals (since he is a dr.). She is abusive. I’m so sorry that you had that on top of everything else.
Liza – not to worry…..if my SAH doesn’t show momentum on his recovery, or if any other daliances turn up on E-blaster – then locks get changed and papers filed (I like the idea of getting them ready to go like someone else posted here). I’ll follow in the footsteps of other sisters. I just needed to figure out my love addiction and value myself before I could get to this place. I have my control back! Not over him – but over me!
I do believe that my SAH isn’t likely to go down the SA road again (he has too much to lose with our kids and his “reputation”). He first tried to blame it all on me (didn’t work), then he tried to find an purge the CL ad (which was so damning) – didn’t work, and then when I detached – he realized he better get serious. But he tried to wiggle any way he could – and probably will still do so – but I’m onto it – and I’m stronger now. It just took me awhile to get here.
I’m ready!!!!
Now – if I could just get over wanting to smack myself for putting up with his stuff last Feb/March. And the texting in Sept….and the…….. (the list goes on). But it doesn’t help to be so hard on yourself – I was where I was at the time. Heck, my abusive mother even told me that I would never find someone else at my age. What a shrew!
Deb
Tell your mother that after dealing with her shit, you would be grateful for the peace that “alone” brings:)
You are just too nice Deb. I do not need any therapist or book to tell me that 🙂
Bev is right there. It’s better to be alone, to miss them, to be happy, to live a SA free life than to be together and fucking miserable. I remember the 5 yrs I was divorced and struggled to work, take care of the kids, work extra jobs when they were at their dads and just being so dog ass tired some days I couldn’t even see straight. Looking back on that it was overwhelming and stressful bc my kids were just babies- they were 2, 3 and 6 yrs old in 2001 BUT it was easier alone than when I was with the ex. I never regretted that divorce, not one minute. Not even in the darkest times when I was depressed or trying to figure out how to pay for next week’s daycare or trying to figure out I was going to eat a much needed car repair or where the money was going to come from to buy school supplies and school clothes…..not one minute did I regret it.
Oh to have that feeling now….deep sigh….
Deb, I hadn’t thought about the referral angle. That makes sense that the therapist wouldn’t want to alienate someone in the medical community.
And, yeah, I guess I still need validation for what is real. It really feels so good, like a weight off my shoulders when someone understands. I know I need to someday not depend on external validation, but I guess I need to accept that for now I do.
Nothing wrong with external validation. We all need it or we would not be on this site. I remember learning all the correct terms in Psych 101.. somebody`s hierarchy of needs ?? I don`t remember.
The trick is to seek validation from worthy individuals! Guess I should have paid more attention in class. I missed the lecture on scum sucking assholes that marry you and fuck hookers.
Venting, sorry…
Maslow’s Hierarchy, I believe. I did pay attention during that lecture, but I missed the lecture on assholes just like you. They should teach that though- it would get the kids’ attention.
All the years that I looked to him for validation…how stupid was that? I don’t even want to breath the same air as him now.
I don`t think they actually breathe air Teri. I think it is some mixture of shit, lies, and unmentionables..
Your air is safe 🙂
A moment of funny here but…..I remember before I came here to work I previously worked with a woman who was divorced and HATED her ex husband. She was SO funny…. She went on and on one time while we were chatting about him being a jackass, a worthless piece of shit, a moocher, a job hopper, a lazy SOB…you name it, she said it. Me being just 21 and never married I was curious and said my gosh what was he doing that was so bad to cause you to hate him so much. She said with a straight face HE WAS BREATHING! I laughed so hard then she laughed at me laughing at her comment. She said “I’m not kidding, he doesn’t deserve to breathe the same air as me!”
Poor woman, she then later told me about how crappy her old big, long Lincoln sedan was and she being very tiny I giggled thinking that’s a whole lot of car for such a small woman. She said she couldn’t afford to get the wipers fixed so hooked string to them and every time it rained she had to crack her drivers window, reach out and pull the strings just to get her wipers to move across the windshield. Talk about laughing inappropriately!! I cried tears laughing at that visual.
Sorry, I’m off on a tangent I know Bev but your comment about them breathing air made me think of her story.
For-now, you are a treasure trove of funny anecdotes. You could write a sit-com.
And there’s that link between anger and comedy again. Think of all our revenge fantasies; most involve over-the-top gallows humor. I’ve always been a fan of dark humor, but it’s a life line now.
I may have put in this in a previous post, but when I get angry and start hitting my punching bag, I am usually laughing before too long. Whenever I release my pent up anger in an argument, my next move is a joke (which always pissed off my STBX; he thought I was laughing at or mocking him; everything was all about him).
I may be a freak of nature. Maybe it’s inappropriate affect on my part. But I think the humor helps diffuse the anger. I see it come up again and again with you ladies. And the darker the better- right?
I’m really sorry your therapists did that to you Teri. It is criminal. I don’t know how these people get licences. But you keep posting and finding the humor. You will be ok. Karen x
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