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Ok – my SAH just went to play golf (even though it’s almost dark). He admitted in the past that he said he was golfing when he was screwing old ladies. (I love calling a spade a spade! – thank you sisters…). He also said that he met them for “coffee”.
Just curious (for a laugh) – what other “covers” did your SAH’s use?
My exH used to “golf” well after dark. Why would he ever think I’d believe that.
Golf does have holes, balls and poles… so it’s probably a good analogy.
Deb, honey, I know you feel like you don’t have any control over this whole mess with your SA. But, girl, you do. So you’ve written up your ‘safety list’ and where has that gotten you? I’d say nowhere. It appears your husband has decided that everything – including golf for fuck’s sake – comes before your safety. Enough is enough. It’s time to kick his ass to the curb – or at least the local Motel 6. Show those precious kids of yours that their mother will not tolerate being treated like a doormat for another second longer. I know you have ‘abandonment issues’, but in a sense your husband abandoned you long ago. It’s time to take back your power. NOW. Said with love, Liza
Deb, I know you posted this under ‘funny stuff’ and if it weren’t so tragic, it would be laughable. But this is your life we’re talking about, and I am just so sad for you. Once you’re way beyond this, we’ll all look back and laugh about it for the ridiculousness that was. But right now, I hurt for you. Please do whatever it takes to make this stop. Love, Liza
Liza – funny, I was just thinking the same thing. No time for my “safety list” but time for golf every day??? Hmmmmmm….he says that it helps him get his sanity – but really? Yup – I agree – it’s time to stop being a doormat and take my power back. Watch this space….Sharron and Pam have paved the way this week.
He did tell me the other day in what appeared to be a moment of clarity that he realizes that his covert incest and “woman” issue is serious and he is going to go to an 9 day intensive (the Hoffman Institute) at the end of March so I’m somewhat encouraged by that (if he goes). It’s on childhood trauma and addiction. We’ll see…. His brain MRI results are being analyzed so hopefully that worry/excuse will be off the table soon. I must admit, I do sometimes wonder if his brain surgery “nicked” something because his addiction really kicked in after that. My therapist (whom he used to go to for a few months) told me that he never talked about his “stuff” – just that he liked to flirt with women (now, that’s an understatement).
Liza – Thanks for pointing out the obvious here….sometimes I need a (loving) whack in the head.
Deb
BTW – my SAH did actually play golf tonight – I have the receipt to prove it. He has become obsessed with golf – one addiction for another?? (unless he’s like Heidi’s SAH and he’s found his golf soulmate).
Deb, I truly hope that things turn around for you, a ‘sea change’ as you described it in one of your other posts. You’re a Survivor and I know you’ll make it through to the other side! Proud to call you Sister! Love, Liza
deb you have receipt that says he paid to play golf. truthfully it doesnt mean he played. my partner sat in front of a councilor for 8 months and used it to protect his addiction. sorry if this is to harsh it just you can not give these guy the benefit of doubt. tell him to sent you a picture next trip from each hole he get to, tell him he needs to prove to you until you can trust him again. i dont know……..
Thanks Katt. I have a feeling that EBlaster is going to be my new best friend – I think it has a GPS on it, too. Can’t wait…. I’m so ready to find some “dirt” and kick him to the curb – or maybe be pleasantly surprised for the time being. We’ll see…
Deb, you’ve been predicting that about e-blaster for quite a while now. When are you actually going to get it? And how much more dirt do you need? He’s already proven he doesn’t care about the effect his actions have had/are having on you and the kids. And if he’s going to an intensive this month, he should have already registered for it. Has he?
deb – offer to ride along with him, like a date! Mine made up excuses why I couldn’t come along.
My h would always have to “run out” for something. Or go running because he needs to. We would be a Disney world for 12 hours with 5 kids, get back to the hotel and instead of helping get everyone to bed – he would need to go running. Drove me crazy, I thought he just didn’t want to deal with the bath line. Now I know he was running along the hotel looking for people who didn’t close their curtains.I am ordering eblaster also. I hope it is easy to install. I really do not need any more reasons. He is begging and insisting and acting sweet as honey to give him another chance. He has always acted super considerate, that is why I can’t believe him again. I just need to throw it in his face when I catch him.
Funny flashback: when dday hit, he told me it was an emotional affair with someone at work. After 3 weeks our marriage counselor told him he had to break it off with her until we got things settled between us. Sat. morning arrives and he gets up at 4:00 am. He says he is going to go see her to break up. I said bull, call her on the phone. He refused and told me he lied and she really lives in Minneapolis and he met her golfing. Whoa I was blown away. He went to the bathroom and out of no where I grabbed my phone ran down to the garage and threw it under his car seat, and jumped back in bed!! I have no idea how I even got the idea!!! All I could think was that was a lie cause he wanted to spend the whole day with her (and was not really driving 9 hours round trip)
So around noon I called the sprint and told them I lost my phone and they located it exactly, he was at a Perkins!
To this day he has no clue how I knew he was at a Perkins in MN!*funny little extra – the women I guessed he was having an affair with at work……….I found out this past Sept. that he was having an emotional affair with the year before this! Found the emails. I actually guessed who it was, and I only heard her name once or twice.
*extra extra funny, turns out he was having sex with her, and he did not break up with her then. Mr vball coach stayed to long and almost missed his daughters last sectional game before state. Her head wasn’t in the game, she was afraid something happened to her dad cause he wouldn’t miss that game for anything. He stayed too long with his girlfriend. asshole.Oh Heidi – our stories are too similar for words – and we both have a slew of kids, too. I hope E-blaster isn’t too hard to install, either. Maybe Joann will walk us through it. We are broke (commission payment comes in on Friday) so I’m ordering it on Friday). First thing I do….
These guys have it bad, huh?
Mine said he broke things off with his last “old lady” (70 year old who looks like his mom) but he was calling her while I was getting an MRI to check out a breast cancer diagnosis – and then he went to “visit” her the day before my mastectomy (he got a parking ticket that came in the mail). I don’t know if I can ever forgive him for that. Talk about kicking you when you are down. Yuck. And then, at the same time, he was also “sexting” another woman (he swears he never screwed her) that had an affair with his best friend. Double Yuck. When do they have time to work or coach sports? Or eat?
Most of the time, I feel like a single mom to four kids. You will LOVE Dr. Minwalla’s intensive. ISH is the best.
Deb
Heidi – here’s a post note: we probably don’t need any more evidence of all the pain, BS and abuse that we’ve gone through – but since we have so many kids – I think that more evidence will make the break easier (once they swear they are “clean). I know in my case, that’s what I need to get on the ladder. I actually *think* that my SAH is white knuckling it right now – in fact, this morning he told me that the pain is so great inside of him, so I know he’s going through a lot to keep sober – but he’ll break at some point, no doubt. He plays golf every day (maybe he’s masturbating in the woods like he did when he was young, who knows?) which I think gives him some relief.
Only time will tell for us, but I’m so glad to have sisters like you that “get it” and keep us sane.
Deb
deb you keep talking about older woman. how is it you are so sure this is it. this addiction gets worse and worse. to include any and every walk of life. if its his word you are taking please be prepared to know you will never know the whole truth. they will ofter give us only what they believe we can handle.
keep safe much love kattKatt – he went for older pros and CL ads. But I know that his “sexting” affair was with a woman his age. I think that he has moved beyond his older “sweet” spot, for sure. Thanks for the warning…from grannies to trannies.
My EX SAH would have to “poop” when we were traveling (in the car). We would stop at a gas station and he would stay in the shitter for 20 or 30 minutes. (Yes, while I waited in the car!)
Once my Private I skills kicked in and I had access to his every move- I would actually sit in the car and read his every word “live” while he was “pooping”. This, of course, was while I gathered evidence and well, as ya’all know- the rest is history!LOSER!!!!
PS- one time he pulled the “poop” thing at a small little dive restaurant we use to frequent. After 20 min, the owner asked me if I wanted him to check on him!?? I said, no thanks, he’s just in there texting his girlfriend. That shut HIM up. Then, I text SA and told him to get the hell out here, people were asking questions! Sheesh!!!
So glad to be DONE with that bullshit!!!!
PS- Deb,
I’m confused? I thought you had decided you were done? I’m not trying to “call you out”, I am just trying to catch up! I have been out of the loop for a few days! I read your Sea Change post! Maybe I have missed a post or two! What’s the scoop?
ok sl I got my first real belly laugh in a long time!!!!! Thank you!!!
we could write an X-rated Erma Bombeck book!
OMG, SL. I have to hone my PI skills as I really want a story like yours (I already have the grandma stalker story). The “shitter” story is toooo darned funny. I’m laughing so hard (thanks for that). I’m hoping that E-blaster gets me close to your PI status.
Am I done with my SAH? Well – I’m detached, that’s for sure. I’ve read those co-dependent books and thought that “detaching with love” was a load of crap – but I think I’m doing it. I’m protecting myself from the next bomb/tsunami by being detached and not being tied to an outcome. My SAH might stun me and get into serious recovery (he swears he’s signing up for an 8 day Hoffman Institute intensive – but I’ll believe it when he’s there)….
I’m ordering E-blaster on Friday, seeing if he works on his recovery (more than an hour with his therapist a week), and my safety list. I do love the healthy part of him (god knows what % there is in him) but life is too short to be looking over my shoulder the rest of my life. He finds out about his brain lesion this week, so once that’s off the table (hopefully), I’ll feel better about kicking him to the curb (I know – let’s hope another whack-a-mole doesn’t pop their head up again). Like Heidi (Hady’s)’ SAH, he’s been sweet as can be the last week or so….time will tell if this is real or just a cover, and like Pam, I’m doing some soul searching as to even if he’s in serious recovery, do I want an SAH?
Deb
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