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Haven’t talked to my H about anything porn related or even his recovery and meetings since Tues. It’s been a month and not one time has he asked how I am doing, how I’m feeling, etc. Tues he called asking how I’ve been feeling and I thought finally! I started explaining that since I’ve upped my happy pills the last two days I’ve just started feeling that day I wasn’t so blue, so down, so pessimistic. He then says he meant how was I feeling about what he’s doing being in recovery and what I’m feeling about us bc of the help he’s been getting. My mind went WTF???!!!!!! I told him I don’t feel it’s in my best interest to make any decisions until I get my meds leveled out and I’m feeling better. He didn’t get it. I then said do you want me making decisions feeling hopeless or more optimistic? He said that made a little more sense but not completely. I got off the phone and text him that while I’m happy he’s making progress and feeling better I am not making any. My schedule hasn’t allowed me to see the therapist like his has. No one calls asking how I’m doing except one gf- not even my family or him for that matter. Everytime we talk it’s about HIM and what’s HE’S doing and WHAT he’s learning through this. I further told him that anytime I’ve told him my feelings on things about me it’s bc I brought it up in convo, it’s never been bc HE has asked ME. So since I feel I have nothing to contribute right now I’m saying nothing. I sent him some ideas via the counselor yall mentioned to begin repairing the damage. Not one has happened since. So I told him I’m glad at least one of us is doing so well. Then I went to bed. How fucking hard is it to ask your wife how are you? Or say I’m sorry you’re in this spot at my doing??? Something, anything!!!
Sounds like a narcisstist, they only see themselves. When they look at you, you become a mirror or just an extention of themselves. They don’t have empathy therefore don’t even know how to care how you’re feeling. They only think of their own needs. So sorry for now, I think you haned him well, don’t give him anything. (they hate that).
Yes…amazing how we all ASSUME that if they start getting help it will translate into them treating US better? 😉 Doesn’t seem to work that way girls. Now, instead of it being all about them and sex, it is all about them and their recovery. I love the part where their therapists tell you that they will have to be in recovery for 1-2 years before they might be able to show some compassion to you. What a joke. Got an entire lifetime to waste? Karen x
I’m so sorry, for-now. And his behavior is so damn typical. They’re so used to living for that instant gratification thing, so they want us to just move forward and be all on board with them again. My h still says that the only reason he’s in recovery is so we can be together again..uh, that’s not how it works, bubba. I also think you handled this well. A lot better than I would have. xoxo
Thanks ladies. He’s not getting two handed pats on the back from me right now like I did last yr. I told him too that I feel I’m still sitting at the starting gate while he sprinted when the starter gun went off. The next day he did text me asking how my day went and he hoped it was good. I thought “Damn Moron, my day isn’t what I’d like you to ask about.” Whatever…. It’s a start I guess. I just sent back it was fine.
What a messed up place we landed in. Now, we are supposed to pat them on the back for not screwing other women. No wonder I’m crazy 🙂
Sorry, For-Now, he sounds like an ass.. Just like the rest. I agree with everyone else. No attention!Somebody said it… ” whatever asshole”
Perfect !Sounds pretty typical. Mine doesn’t even ask how the kids are doing. Only talks about himself. You aren’t alone and you are perfectly justified in being total pissed.
It’s not hard to say it or ask. It seems extremely hard to mean it or care though.
Yep… no attention just like you treat the bullies in school. Both the psychologist and my psychiatrist think it’s a definite possibility that my H is intentionally trying to get a rise out of me. So I am going to try my hardest not to react and live by “whatever asshole.” So much easier said than done.
Karen mentioned the 1-2 year thing. As much as I hate to admit it… it’s true. I think the therapists and Carnes are dead on with this. Even if the SA genuinely wants to change… there is no way to make those changes easily or quickly. Basically they are supposed to fake it for awhile. It’s a hard pill to swallow. They have to “learn” how to truly care about us? How to put anyone else’s needs above their own… EVER?
I’m using the year thing because I need it to process the whole ball of wax. I may or may not make it a year…
For Now,
Narcissism is almost always a part of sex addiction. These guys feel worthless and cannot feel empathy because they are quite honestly empty inside. They have no “self”. Their trauma (usually childhood) makes them feel “lesser than” and so they hide behind NPD (narcissism) to feel like they are worth something.
For most, the NPD melts during recovery (once they get rid of the shame and find their self and their worth) – for others, it doesn’t go away. You won’t really know for while (unfortunately).
Just ignore him for now – and just tell him that he needs to work on his “NPD” (maybe he’ll google it or his therapist will at least get a chuckle and realize that you get it).
Deb
On top of the lack of empathy, these guys often can’t feel their own emotions. Which fits the definition of a sociopath.
Welcome to my world.
It just remains to be seen whether or not it is reversible. Although the way he is (not) committing to his recovery, we may never find out.
Teri,
My H has said that! That he gets confused about how he feels. So basically he has a list of feelings in his head and he chooses which feeling he thinks he SHOULD have and goes with that. For instance he’ll think, “I think most people would be mad about this.” And then he acts mad.He told me this and I was floored. That’s ridiculous.
Addiction = selfish behavior. No one is considered, only what they want. People like this are not going to suddenly wake up an be empathetic to our needs. It is foreign to them.
my therpist told me, “why are you suprised Pam” “he is an addict. It is what they DO.”
It is what they DO. DO and DO again.
yet like so many, i get shocked hurt and traumatized by it every time. when will the surprise end? why can’t I get it?
everyone else seems to get it. Like DUH already. Does love for someone make us dense?
I am going to check in to a “recovery from my own stupidity” clinic. I am a recovering stupid. stupid for believing someone else’s outrageous shit for years.
oh well. I’ve missed my own intelligence. it’s been in cyber space 10 years. really. that is how I feel today. ladies. the DUH award goes to me!!
Pam
Please stop! It is not stupidity. It is shock, fear, hurt, anger disbelief, compassion, love, and denial born from these. All normal reasonable human feelings. But never ever stupidity.
Said with love
EllenThe “Duh” award is funny though but I might run against you for first prize. I have laid claim to the Patio Queen but that also puts me in the running for DUH??
Seriously Pam,
We loved, we were honest, and we believed. There is some quote .. ” To an honest man every man is honest.”
We are guilty of being honest and nothing else:)
Love Ya.. You make me laugh ,
BevI forgot to mention that we actually have emotions and feelings that are REAL!! That does not make us stupid. It makes us human!!
Bev,
LOVE that saying. You just assume that since you wouldn’t lie about a particular thing or treat someone that way that everyone around you has the same moral code. WRONG!It explains why my H isn’t a trusting guy.
Pam,
Ditto to Ellen.I refuse to accept a “duh” award and you know you don’t deserve it either. God forbid we all expected our spouses to actually keep their vows. The ony “duh” to that is a really sarcastic one.
Our “denial” period is more about the shock of truth. We were there, in this life with them, and now we are learning that it wasn’t the life we thought we were living at all. It was full of fake.
It is very difficult to accept that this person we loved actually loved his secret life more than anything else in the world. But he did. He chose it again and again not matter what risk he took with our lives, our children’s lives.OUR HUSBANDS ALWAYS CHOSE THEIR SECRET LIFE OVER US. ALWAYS. NO MATTER WHAT WAS AT STAKE.
Of course it’s hard to even imagine someone like that in your life at all, never mind that it was your husband. How could any “odd” things ever start a thread that would lead us to discover this unimaginable place of lies, deception, disease, betrayal, disloyalty, infidelity, duplicity???? Who knew this kind of narcissism existed—really? Of course we didn’t know what it was!!!!
Pam, I still can’t believe it. I still second guess myself. And then the fucker does something else that just proves I was never on the radar screen except as “the help”. In his world I don’t deserve any consideration at all for any reason. How can this be? I don’t know, but it is. And then I cry all over again, because I have to learn it all over again. And another wall has to go up. Less contact. My fucker takes every bit of grace I give him and turns it into another opportunity to hurt me and serve his narcissism. It’s just that simple and that horrible.
Who wants to believe a truth like that?
No one. Not me. Not you. Not anybody.
I hate him. I hate his sick bitch mother. This is what they bring me to—having to believe in evil.Well, this has led to a new ‘aha’ moment for me. The trust thing. They are so deceptive, capable of such treachery, that they could NEVER trust anyone else. They certainly don’t trust their wives–not with the truth, not with their real feelings, not with their money, not with their futures…HOW COULD YOU EVER TRUST ANYONE ELSE WHEN YOU KNOW THAT YOU, YOURSELF, ARE A LIAR TO THE CORE? They will never love us or give us what we need, because they will never trust us. I don’t care WHAT the reason is–Boo boo about his childhood trauma, his shame, his critical fucking mother. My childhood was no picnic. It was emotional and physical rape. But I am honest, I am trusting, and I try to spare others pain. Fuck it.
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