Guilt

Hi Flora – I went through the same thing. they have a way of making us feel sorry for them-that is how they keep us. We get caught up in all the good things we we see apart from the addiction. Steve’s last comment to me is how” We have it all, but the damn addiction gets in the way.”
If this helps – JoAnn brought up a really good point to me. Once the chaos of the addiction is gone, if it ever is, then the personality disorder is still there and we find the man we thought we married is not at all who we thought he was. Once the layers of the personality disorder starts peeling away, we may not even know him. As if the addiction is not enough, and then we have to start dealing with an entire new set of problems.
We just have to face the fact that our SA cannot love deeply as we do, and does not feel the pain we do with a break-up. They’re only concern is having their needs met through a life of secrecy and fantasy.
Don’t feel guilty – he has broken the marriage vows, he has lied and deceived you, and I can guarantee you his addiction will win and he will give you up for it – they do it all the time.
Don’t feel guilty – just sad for the things you wish it could have been, but make a life for yourself and the kids and leave this “loser”, as you put it behind. You and the children deserve it!! It takes time – It took me over a year to come to terms with it. You will get there.
Love to you.

Hi Sharon and Flora,

Yes, what you are writing really resonates with me. I do feel guilty. I think because I believe myself to be a very forgiving person. I try to see the good in all people. If someone makes a mistake and holds themselves accountable for it by trying to make it right, I am a pushover. If this is a big part of my identity, than why can’t I forgive this?

My husband said that he is sorry. What if he really does have pain that he is going through because of this and for some reason I am just not able to see it? If I am in so much pain over losing what I thought I had, than why am I keeping myself stuck here in this pain. What am I doing to solve the problem? Am I contributing to the problem?

Perhaps the fact that I am honoring myself is the answer to the problem, it just is not an easy answer for me. I want to be able to forgive, but something does not feel right. Have I uncovered a stubborn streak in myself or am I uncovering a piece of me that is protective of myself?

I feel like I am still waiting for him to show a level of sincerity that would allow for me to release my ability to move beyond this.

Did any of you watch the sex addict episode on Dr. Phil? I found what Dr. Phil was saying was very validating to me. He was telling the SA husband that he appeared to be very arrogant and entitled to the behavior that he was involved in. The SA husband said that the level of involvement sexually with other woman included oral and the exchange of video on line. Dr. Phil asked him to take a lie detector test for additional proof that he was telling his wife the truth to the level of involvement sexually with other woman.
This husband was so sure of himself that he would pass the test and welcomed his participation in it. This really held my attention because my husband had welcomed taking a lie detector test as well, but I never went through with it. I kind of told myself that if this man passes the lie detector test, than just maybe, my husband would have passed too. I know that this is ridiculous and just a little game I was playing with myself, but I held my breath when Dr. Phil read the results. Unfortunately, the man did not pass the test which means he was not being honest. I actually was pretty surprised that he did not pass the test. The level of conviction that he was showing regarding his ability to pass the test was so deep. I guess this is addiction in motion. Dr. Phil asked him if he would like to take this one moment and finally come clean to his wife and actually be honest and start recovery. This man continued to stick with his original story. He said that he was not being dishonest and that the lie detector test obviously was wrong.

This whole thing just made me feel so down about being in this situation. I am glad that this addiction is getting more exposure so that more people can heal.

I went to Dr. Phils site on line to see if there were any comments regarding the show. I was a disappointed in what Dr. Phil said in a small clip about sex addiction. He indicated that he was not sure that he believed that sex addiction is an accurate label for people going through this. His concern was that it seems that the people who are using this phrase are leaning on it only after they get caught. This did not make sense to me that he would say this. Isn’t true for all addictions that most people do not look to get help until they run into some kind of trouble with the behavior.

Thinking of all of you!!!!!

Hi Cindy1111 -It is okay to forgive, just don’t forget. You have to forgive for you, not for him, so you can move on and not dwell on guilt and anger- The anger will only make you a very unhappy person and destroy the wonderful woman you are.This allows us to put they’re addiction aside and work on our own recovery.
I did watch the Dr. Phil episode, and I think with some men, it may very well be an excsue, but sexual addiction is real – just like alcoholism, overeating, smoking, etc., but overall I feel at some point, after many times/years of acting out they actually develop “The addicted brain.” They become programmed to “getting that high,” and needing more and more of it as time goes on. My husband said to me many times – “I have an addiction” when I would confront him with his acting out.
I think the guy on Dr, Phil was arrogent and felt he could beat the test. I think the polygraph can play an important part in building trust if you have made the decision to stay with the SA. You may find out what he has done to date, but you will really never know if he ever tells the truth in the future. You can continue to request them periodically, but it in my opinion why do that. I would like to remind you that my husband beat the polygraph – probably because he believes his lies, or justifies them in his mind. My husband also told me he is sorry more times than I can count. Also, said he could guarantee me 100% he would never lie to me again. He may have meant that in his head, but unfortunately those are not realistic expectations.
We know for a fact that SA’s will probably lie forever – it is a life-long process, and as we have discussed on this site- so is the addiction. They can only learn to manage it, but will never be cured. Those are just the cold cruel facts. There can be relapses throughout they’re entire life – when they are sad, under pressure, life is not going right, etc. So,
my point is you just have to make up your mind if you can stay in a marriage/relationship knowing this. I can’t, because
I don’t feel the level of intimacy will ever be there – I would always be second in his life. The SA is not capable of true love, and you will have to accept that if you are to stay in the relationship. Also, the future trauma and depression – always wondering when the ball is going to fall- to me would not be worth it.
Hang in there – you will get there. Just take care of yourself, and don’t worry about him. I made that mistake, and in no way will you be able to impact his motivation for recovery.

Flora- I really don’t think it would make any difference to me if it is a true addiction or he is just an amoral slob. Either way, the statistics for addiction recovery are almost nil, and statistics for relapse are high. I still think it is a sickness whatever we choose call it. He is going to continue deceiving either way. I agree with you. I do think many SA’s enter therapy because they know what it takes to keep us. Then, we set ourselves up for false hope of a recovery.
If he is amoral and has no values, and if he is a sex addict and sick, to me the bottom line is the same – too much drama, lies and pain for me to stay with a a dysfunctional man who cannot provide me with what I need. We deserve more than that.
Hugs to you.

Hi all,
Ending a relationship is hard-even if its the right thing to do. Although Im not quite there yet, just thinking about it pains me. Its a big decision and a big step. I know I will feel guilty too. We are a very caring and compassionate group of woman…we give it our all, get very little in return, and we still feel guity. I used to have a severe fear of flying. It developed in my 30s after a bad flight where the landing was aborted 3 times and people were cying and throwing up. My job required me to fly and I would drive if I could…I just couldnt even step into an airplane. I got a new boss and she was hard core and told me I couldnt drive anymore. I would have to fly and if I didnt I was fired. I loved my job so I went to see someone about my feeling of fear. Emotions are fleeting, they come and go. She said if i could change the tape in my head of what I was telling myself I might feel fear for a bit but then it would pass. So I did that after much practice, now I love to fly and dont feel the fear anymore. I think the same with guilt, it would pass especially when we remind ourselves we did the best we could and gave them every opportunity.