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I don’t live with him and yet…..he still has this ability to make me absolutely insane. At least he doesn’t know what effect he has. His latest is that I need to see Dr. Minwalla for a 6 day intensive with psych testing just like he did ( as per Dr. M’s recommendations, not mine and definitely not something he wanted to do on his own). He ( my husband) has decided I don’t need the trauma intensive after all, but I need to demand that Dr. M see me for this testing/intensive. He actually used the word “demand.” I asked him what specifically he thought would show up ( I know, couldn’t help myself) and he said “i’m concerned you may be a borderline personality because of all of your issues.” I got out of the conversation, ( he says that’s what he means, change the subject when I an’t handle the truth) didn’t really know what that was, except in general terms, I thought it means they threaten or attempt suicide and cut themselves and that sort of thing. I looked it up, and took a quiz (I know, I let him in my head AGAIN), and the only question that pertains to me is the rocky relationship that I was in and thought was stable for so long, and there are a lot of extenuating circumstances to explain this relationship other than me being borderline! Uh…sex addiction, women, porn, lying, blaming, etc. Borderlines usually go from one relationship to another, apparently. Honest to gosh, I am so boring, and was such a doormat. And borderlines, from the reading I did, are neither boring or doormats. I have to work at getting him and this out of my head now. AARGH! I’m angry, and he would probably say that makes me a borderline for sure. And I mean no disrespect to anyone who is, this is all about my husband.
Courtney, when I saw the subject line of your post I expected to see it in the “funny stuff” group. Because that’s what it is, just funny in a pathetic way that he is once again trying to make this about you instead of owning his own shit. C’mon, you know and we know that his “diagnosis” of you is a bunch of bullshit. Laugh it off Twinie. It’s not even worth your anger. If he brings it up again just laugh at him and say “Oh you…such a kidder. Or a delusional asshole. Take your pick.”
I’M not borderline so you can’t be either ’cause we’re twins. 🙂 Love you girl! Just get that mo fo right out of your head.
Given what I know about your H, I bet the absolute WORST thing you can do to him is not take him seriously. Try laughing at him. He will REALLY hate that. And he’ll know his power over you is gone. A win-win.
Subtrafuge my dear! Change subject, switch crazy, out of control asshole behavior to you and VOILA! YOU are the crazy one. They are frigging experts at this. My therapist calls it crazymaking. YOU are fine. HE is totally fucked up. AND he trying desperately to transfer this to you. DO NOT let him do this to you. What an asshole. I swear they are all exactly the same.
Courtney,
I think he’s projecting himself onto you. Did Dr. Minwalla find him to be a borderline? Borderlines are everything you described plus they thrive on DRAMA. Your not one but he may be. Keep taking good care of you!
Love, Napwhat daisy said. i had a similar reaction. hahaha! i thought it was funny. and i was also pissed off at him. the fucking nerve.
I might be a borderline, full blown, alcoholic, drug addicted, anorexic, bulimic, food addicted, fat, skinny, neat freak, ADHD, hoarder, love addict, kleptomaniac, narcissist, bi polar, suicidal, homicidal, serial killer,and full blown psychopath……BUT I would not take advice about any of it from my H.
Consider the source Courtney dear…..
I promise that if I see anything you post that makes me think you are crazy then I will tell you 🙂
Courtney, you are not borderline!
Every man I dated or might have dated on match.com blamed his divorce on the fact that his ex was borderline.
Must be the new buzzword for assholes who want to rationalize why their marriage failed.
Or, it’s the newest addition to the SA playbook.
Don’t you love how they try to pull this crap “I’m worried about you”. My h. tried to say that he thought I had “anger issues”. I’m like – the only thing I am angry about and at is you so I don’t think that means I have “anger issues”. It’s another way to blameshift and as Monique so aptly put it, it’s crazymaking. Don’t spend one more second on this, Courtney. Draw up another one of your infamous lists but don’t think for one moment that you are anything but a normal once-loving wife who has been dealt a shit load of shit from her h. Fuck that!
I imagine the wad of them, sitting around in their little 12-step meetings, bitching about their crazy, unforgiving, Borderline wives–commiserating, egging each other on, giving each other pats on the back…tongue kissing…
I love all of you guys. Thank you, each one of you, Daisy, Monique, NAP, Lisa, Bev, JoAnne, Christine, and March. I cherished every word you wrote and could feel it start to leave my head. It’s not gone yet, but it’s started. Before all I could think was, I have a husband who cheated on me, didn’t support me, covertly attacked me, and now I’m a borderline, too? “Funny” hadn’t occurred to me at all, but I laughed out loud when I read a lot of this. I was particularly glad to know that my husband isn’t the first one to say this, and it certainly does keep the focus off of him. Thank you, xxoo
Courtney, don’t listen to a word he says about you. When has he ever been right about you? Take a shower and get his shit off of you.
It’s crazy making manipulation to the extreme. Not one word of that bullshit is real. Designed solely to get the onus off him and on you, and to get you to doubt yourself. Been there, done that. I confided in my H about my dad being an alcoholic and he kept hammering away in MC about me thinking ppl are out to get me because of that. Another tactic is to keep hairsplitting down and down into irrelevant details so the big picture gets obscured. All just diversionary tactics.
Ok, out with a list:)
I think this is what he’s basing his diagnosis on
1) Last November when I lost it when he asked me if I was ever going to “get over it and get back to normal, and he stormed out of the house and I didn’t apologize and he stayed out. He STILL brings up how angry I was if he gets any chance.
2) Last January when my Dad died, h said he “didn’t want to die alone” and I didn’t say anything. He told me later my silence was “cold and heartless.”
3) twice this summer, he has triangulated our daughter THAT I KNOW OF, ( last time told her “Mom was manipulative with emotions, but he’s sure I don’t even realize it.” and I went ballistic, told him on the phone that he is never to do that again, and if he does, I will get Maddy and he and I together with a therapist and talk about it in their office, everything all out in the open.
4. a month ago, he asked me if I would go on a “date” with him to a play. I said no. Very. Calmly. And he said that I traumatized him with my response.
5. Last week, he asked if I would be willing to meet with his therapist and he and me and mine, so that he could “talk to me about issues he has with me”. I said no. Again. Very. Calmly. He said he doesn’t feel safe talking to me alone without therapists present. I repeated no, I would not be willing.
6. Last weekend, when he brought Maddy home, he came into use the Bathroom. I was gone, but I saw that someone had messed with my computer, which is right outside the bathroom, because the history was up and I didn’t do it. (The laptop I use for SOS is in my closet, he doesn’t know about it, thank god). I texted him and told him to stay away from my computer. He didn’t respond.That’s a lot of anger over things that really matter to me. And a lot of refusals to talk to him over things that don’t matter to me. I thought those things were okay until he threw the borderline thing at me.
7. Oh, and he called me paranoid because I think “people” are talking about me behind my back. I said, “It’s not paranoia, it’s reality, you do all the time to anyone who will listen, INCLUDING our daughter!”This is how in my head he is right now, FUCK THAT, hadn’t thought of it til you wrote it, Trish:) Thanks, Trish and Jo and AB. this really is out of the play book, isn’t it?
Borderline list? NOT, not even remotely, criteria for borderline.
Only thing this shows is how hard you are trying to cope with an SA who doesn’t know a thing about the real courtney. So sorry- labels thrown at you like that are dangerous. Don’t listen to him. He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s talking about. Out of the playbook? Yep, he’s got it down- as does my h- in the “poor me, don’t be mad at me- if you get angry at me, it means you’re bad, mean, diagnosis X” chapter. You might need a power wash to get all that bullshit off.Normally I adore your lists but that list was all about him so it sucked. Time to stop letting him into your head. He’s a douche bag and he’s trying to mess with your mind. Fuck That – in the immortal words of a beloved Sister. 😉 You need to wash that man right out your hair (and your mind). He’s not worth all the brain cells you’re devoting to him.
Courtney, I wish I could give you back the time you wasted making that list.
But here’s a list of the things he’s bound to eventually call you or say you have:
Cold/unaffectionate
A bad parent
Codependent (they don’t learn nothing at those SA meetings)
Man hater
Anger issues
Father issues
Untrustworthy
Unforgiving
Hysterical
Bipolar
OCD
Alcoholic/drug addict
Liar
Hypocrite
On and on and on and on…….
Courtney,
That’s a playbook move. Gaslighting in the extreme. Laughable. You do not need to defend yourself against that bs.I am…borderline, mentally unstable, and have rage issues, according to doc e. He requested that I have a psych evaluation for the court for visitation. How do you like that? We said okay and let’s expand it to include YOU, jerkwad. March, I think you recently pointed out the stupidity of these guys?
Courtney, ignore him. He is full of shit. You are fine.
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