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Hi Sisters,
It has been a while since I have been on the S.O.S site as well as posted. I was blessed to take a trip to Kenya last month and I experienced such beauty it is beyond words.
It was difficult to return back to my home because I knew what was waiting for me. My divorce and all the crap I left behind. It took a few weeks of being filled with resentment, anger, jealousy and rage before I realized I was eroding away.
I made the decision to divorce my sexually addicted spouse last year! What was holding me back from the freedom I so deserved. What was holding me back from the serenity and peace I was creating by changing my relationship?
I believe now that it was old patterns sneaking into my mind. I was telling myself that I was not good enough, I was making a stupid decision and I was playing the part of the victim.
Those behaviors are not only bad for me, I do not like myself when I am like that, and honestly, it is hard work to be miserable.
These last few days, I have washed the gray mud off my windows to the world. I feel happy, joyous and free. I am realizing that I have made this decision because change is the only thing I can do to change. (make sense or no?)
I just wanted to share that I have a choice to be miserable and walk with my head down, or be happy and content with myself regardless of what my soon to be Xhusband does.
Hugs to each of youYeah! Good for you, zachette!
I also made a choice to be happy. And in order to do that, I had to make decisions that dealt with the things I could not control which created negative anxiety, sadness, and anger. I faced my fears about what might happen to me without this divided man in my life. And it is absolutely clear to me that he has a BETTER chance at growing up and dealing with himself, if I’m not there for him to fall back on. Because that’s what SA’s do. They use the people who love them. And they don’t stop doing it. They may pause long enough for their next acting out to be called a “lapse”, but they don’t stop. Now I feel my anger and express it. Now I am learning to ask for what I need. Now I am taking responsibility for my happiness and doing what I want to do with my life. The freedom that comes from taking your life seriously is both exciting and a little frightening at first. But it is the best decision I have ever made. I will always be sad for everything about the story of my love for and marriage with my SA (except for my sons), but I don’t have to fix it at all. I couldn’t fix it, and he wouldn’t fix it. I just have to learn, grow, and live my life honestly and with integrity. I’m a happy woman, too!So nice to see you posting again. I am so happy you are at peace. I know it must be difficult, but you are doing so well!!! Love, B. Trayed
Yes! and damn… I wrote something and did the hit something, by accident and poof, its gone. 🙁
but… basically, I was agreeing with you, Z… tough stuff, but for the best, for most of us.
welcome back! xo ~ L
Hi Zachette,
Glad to hear you are doing well. It is very scary to take that step away…BUT the more I think and learn…the more I think it may be the only way to finally have some happiness? I often think we hang on because we want to avoid the terrible pain and loss that comes with letting go? The acceptance that it was years of our lives given to someone who couldn’t value us is very difficult. We remain in pain until we accept that only by letting go is there ANY real chance at happiness. Remaining with a person who will not change (because the status quo works for them) ensures that we will get exactly what we have always got. More pain. I m so happy you are finding the courage to move forward. Karen xx
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