- This topic has 12 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 14 years ago by
.
-
Posts
-
This question is heavy on my mind with so many others. My SA does seem sincere now. I don’t question his acting out in my mind at the moment . He is regularly attending meetings and intensives. seeing a psychiatrist and therapist. he is being sweet and kind. humble and loving. seems truly remorseful and patient. understanding.
I do still love him, but I am not sure I can ever forgive and forget. He has some so much to hurt me. He has lied so often and so good that I don’t even know if I will ever feel safe with him again. I know it is likely too soon to decide for certain because he hasn’t been in recovery long enough. six weeks now. as opposed to my leaving him 7 months ago and several “relapses”. I put relapses in quotations because he was only seeing a therapist. not truly doing all he could. now he is, but i am still having a hard time and even at some points angry at him for doing so well. Why couldn’t he have done this when I caught him the first time and was so heartbroken. When I took him back then, I begged him to never do this to me again because I thought it would literally kill me it hurt so bad. Then he did it again. and then a third time. I am not sure I have a 4th time in me despite his good efforts. Now he is doing good. He feels great. He feels like he has control over his addiction. is facing his demons from his past and is becoming the man he wants to be. he feels more free than he has since a child and this at time angers me. he is feeling good but my sleep is still interrupted by nightmares. my thoughts still so scattered it is affecting my ability to be a mom. it seems so unfair that he can feel good and i feel like crap still. wondering if i will ever feel at peace again and wondering that even if i walk away i will never be in a great relationship because i am so damaged and my trust so shattered.
I am going on a trauma intensive next week and I am sure that will help bring me a level of clarity, I just feel so torn.
has anyones husbands successfully done their recovery and got better and yet you still chose to leave?
Thanks,
LoriDear Lori,
While I can’t really answer the question you are asking, I think I can say this with hope. The decision to leave is purely ours to make. even if they are in recovery doing well and stay that way, they have broken marriage vows and hurt us so bad, repeatedley, that we have the right to make our seperations permanent even if they are “in recovery for life” at any time. It is a fair decision. But I think as wives we have to be “done” with them, even if they stay in recovery and marry someone else. We are done, we do not care. Even if they become the men we wanted them to be after we divorce, we have to be done with it and stick with our decisions. We can’t second guess our whole lives. That is torture. And yes, I think the risk is very high for them to repeat past behaviors and lies, they did it for so long. The wool can be pulled again, as you said. We live with distrust in the marriage or we don’t. Right now, I am living with distrust, in fact 0 trust, and his recovery will be what it will be. It’s his life. He can throw it away or live healthy. Oh well. back to us…
How I relate to your “torn” emotions. Having young children does complicate matters a whole lot, as mother’s we want a united family, it is our make up. Young children don’t know daddy is an addict, they just know that mom left him. It is sucky! But when they get older I think they will understand. Like you Lori, I thought what my SA did would practically kill me. I think it damn near did. But Like you, I am rebuilding from the ashes and I like what I see although it is a struggle. btw, it does seem so unfair. They start a real recovery and “feel great” meanwhile we are still picking up the pieces of our shattered lives. It is outrageous. You have been through so much with this guy. 6 weeks into recovery is still way too early to tell. Please stick to your guns. His dedication and true colors will come out. People have moved back in w/their spouses too soon only to find they are up to their old tricks. Don’t be one Lori! Let him earn his way back in. Give it a time label – after 12 mos I will consider moving back in, or whatever. just a suggestion. For me, I am seeking to be able to forgive, whether I stay w/him or not. I don’t want to be so hurt and angry so I am trying to forgive and have compassion on someone who is very ill. If I do that I will be happier. At this point, that is what I want the most. I hope that helps. love to youHi Lori,
Just a word of caution. I think time will tell and youd almost have to sit back and watch for a long, long time. Probably years with him doing this level of treatment and recover even before he knows if he can do it. In the meantime, your life is passing you by and the toll it takes on kids with a mother thats always preoccupied with dad and not there for them 100%. You look young and very pretty Lori. You are very smart and caring…Im 52, and if I knew what I know now, I would have cut and run along time ago and Im most likely going to cut and run myself…because this is a miserable life on so many levels…I would just have a hard time trusting your husband. I know I dont trust mine.Nap…how long have you known about your husbands SA? I also dream about how life might have been if I had known and left years ago (I’m 52 also).
Amen, Pam…alot of wisdom there for us all.
Lori, yes – the pain is so persistent and intense and the way it can just decend upon you unexpectedly when something triggers it can make you wonder if it will ever go away. I sometimes think that I will never get over this. Ever. Then there are moments when I see hope. You have to take care of yourself if you want to care for your children. They will survive your recovery even if you aren’t 100% all of the time. Learning that your parents are human is not a bad thing and can be a good lesson for them to see their Mom cope with a difficult situation as constructively as she can even if they don’t know the particulars. I’m sure a counselor can help with that.
Hi Lylo,
I found out 4 months ago my husband is a SA. I only know the time this has sucked away from my life. It would be even more difficult with small children because I think it would be difficult to be emotionally present for them. This is difficult no matter what age we are or what stage of life we are in. These are all personal decisions and I think we help each other by giving perspective, support, tips for coping, and what may lie ahead. Its very helpful that we recognize each others pain-if it wasnt for this website, I think I would be in a constant state of distraught. I am thankful for all my sisters and wish us all the best.Hi Lori,
I guess each time they go into recovery we want to believe that this time it really is the last time. When I found out the time before last that he was acting out, I was devastated. I ended up on anti depressants for about six months. I have three children to look after, and I have to say I didn’t do a great job of looking after them at all. My weight shot up and I felt and looked disgusting. Through out all this my SA did give me support, spent all his time with me, trying to show he was changing. He went into therapy. From my point though, even though he was doing well, I wasn’t. I hid how I was feeling for fear it would trigger something. The pressure was really bad. I kept checking his emails.. I began to withdraw from him sexually and mentally, not wanting to become vulnerable again incase he hurt him.
I guess my SA was in recovery until last Oct, when as he says, he was rejected by me so much that his anxiety levels rose and he acted out using porn and chatting with an escort. He still thinks I am the trigger to him acting out, something which I now know isn’t true.
He went to a counsellor and was finally diagnosed with SA. His feeling is that now he knows what he has, he can control it. He has told me since his diagnosis he has been able to control his urges. I have to say we are now going though the worst period in our relationship. I finally blew up a couple of weeks ago. The pressure of wanting to believe him, of wanting to trust him, of him trying to be good got too much. I am still trying to recover from the first, then the second, then the third and so on… and yes, I can understand it when you say how can he be getting on so well, when I am suffering so much.
I am starting counselling tomorrow. I actually resent the fact that I have to do this at all!! I was mentally healthy, strong, focused and happy within myself self before I met him. I am now OCD checking, distracted, tormented and exhausted.
Regardless of what he does, I am putting myself first so I can carry on for the kids. I have had alot of downs but really don’t want to live my life through anyone elses.
I guess the way forward is to recognise what this is and get the help and support for yourself to make you strong and the person you were before.
MMP
xHi MMP,
Something I am in the process of doing which may help you too, is Im writing a list of acceptable behaviors I can live with. (boundries). When Im done wiriting them, I plan to orally present them to my husband, give him a written copy to sign. This way he knows what I will and will not live with. Its putting the dots close together but Im doing it for myself to be proactive instead of reactive all the time. Its not a long and detailed list -just very basic, simple, and clear. Hope this helps…Your sister, NAPMMP,
It is interesting I came back and read this tonight! We just had the worse fight in a long long time. I just blew up on him. I leave for my intensive on Sunday and it is 20 below there currently. It will be a tad warmer sunday. 7 degrees. I live in Florida. It was 70 here today. I freeze at 50. It just set me off that I am going somewhere miserably cold, haven’t slept in three nights because of nightmares. Had to deal with two women yesterday face to face that he had sex with and I am angry. I carried on about how it isn’t fair. He did this to me. I was a good wife and mother and the only thing I did wrong was love him. I had believed in him and trusted him and that I hate what he has done to me. I was so happy and strong. I was confident and at peace with my life and now I am angry, and hurt, and scared, and feel humiliated regularly. I can’t remember the last time I felt truly happy, and when I try to remember it, I know I was being deceived so the happiness was in many ways an illusion.
when I left him this time, I started talking to a man I met during our last seperation whom I didn’t feel like I could talk to without cheating ( even though SA has a part time live in and was having sex with 6-7 women a week). Still, i felt disloyal so I met stopped talking to him. Anyhow, this time I “knew” I was leaving for good and my marriage was over so after about 2 months I found this guy through facebook. We were hitting it off very well and had plans to go out. In the interum my SA came back on his hands and knees begging. Pleading. Apologetic and swearing he was going to do all it took to fix himself and help me to feel whole again. I got roped back in and cancelled my date. I found out two weeks ago that he had sex with someone the very day I was supposed to go out, but cancelled because I was trying to remain loyal and supportive. He was still in his full blown addiction and I thought he was better. He had just gotten out of a mental hospital and he actually met the girl there. The next day he had sex with his neighbor. I went back to him and into the fire and again put my life on hold for this man.
Here we are 7 months later. I am here because of lies and deceptions. I shouldn’t be here, yet I am. He lied to me to get me to stick around and now although it appears he is truley “in recovery” how will I ever know and ever feel safe with him? I am so damn angry at him. My every day is hell and riddled with women. I had to have lunch with a woman yesterday and every time she spoke I could just picture her lips around my husband because he told her in a text what a great blow job she gives last june. Yet he is happy. He feels peace. He feels like a weight is lifted from his shoulders and I am still living in hell. Wondering why I haven’t walked away when I wouldn’t be here to today if he didn’t lie to me about his recovery then. I may not have gotten into a serious relationship with that man, but I may be a whole hell of a lot happier today because I would no longer be wrapped up in his lies and never knowing when he is or isn’t telling the truth.
Anyhow, I yelled at him all of that. It just doesn’t seem fair.
Lori
Lori I am so sorry for the horrid mud that you have been dragged through. Decent people want to give their loved ones a chance to make it. If not you would always wonder. That being said, wise women on this site have spoken about boundaries and you must set firm boundaries. Within them if he continues to progress then you can gain a sense of safety and peace fir however long he can maintain that. If not, then you have to have peace knowing that you extended all you could and he wasn’t ready to be your partner. If you choose to move on, then that is for YOUR and your childrens health and wellbeing and if someday he ends up back in your life then you know it isn’t because you couldnt leave when it was the right thing to do. Incidentally, one of my husbands playthings is suing our company for sexual harassment from one of our employees. She has given blowjobs and more to half the male staff and I just have to deal with her. Every time she answers the phone I just look to the heavens and say ‘this is so wrong…’. How on earth did you get through lunch???
Our situations are not fair, Lori. I want to hear how your intensive goes. I, too, have awful nightmares. You don’t deserve this hell. Take care of yourself and your children.
Lori,
Best to you at your intensive and try to stay warm. I hope your treatment helps you. As far as your husband goes, I wouldnt trust him either. He sounds so out of control and it seems to be getting worse. I just hate to hear you getting hurt by him over and over again. Take good care.
- You must be logged in to reply to this topic.